Skip to content

Kentucky Sports Radio

University of Kentucky Basketball, Football, and Recruiting news brought to you in the most ridiculous manner possible.

BLOGGER Contest: Jared Quillen on Vandy

vandy

In this round, the “Who Wants to be a Blogger” contestants were each given one of UK’s rivals to make fun of/dissect. Each got a different team and over Monday and Tuesday, you will read each of them. Each judge will pick one favorite to move onto the next round and your comments will be considered by all of them.

Welcome to Vanderbilt University

As the Dean of Admissions, let me be the first to congratulate you on your acceptance to Vanderbilt University. Following is an informational brochure for you and your parents to look through and read together. We look forward to having you on campus and please do not forget to fill out the attached the form so that we can send you your argyle sweater vest. You will be expected to wear this to all classes and university functions. It is recommended that you wear it to social and athletic events as well.

History

Vanderbilt University was founded by Commodore Norrington of the HMS Interceptor after he sailed into Nashville and proclaimed it should be the location of the “Harvard of the South”. The mascot was named Commodore in his honor.

Student Life

housing

VU offers many opportunities for socializing, making friends, and integrating into the university system. Following are some of our organizations with a brief description:

Vanderbilt Karate Club: Essential for any awkward suburban preppy kid.

Vanderbilt Prison Project: We are proud to say that we actually do have an on-campus prison project that is actively pushing for looser sodomy legislation in Tennessee.

Sexual Health Awareness Group (SHAG): Often at odds with the Vanderbilt Prison Project but everyone loves the acronym.

Born Again Hindu Armenian-Americans for Peace in the Canary Islands: Pretty exclusive group.

Students for a Free Tibet: A “Free Tibet” campaign is an integral part of any American campus experience.

Housing

studentlifejpg

For you parents; all first year Vanderbilt students are required to live on campus, so your daughter will be safe from a lot of the riff raff found at other universities.

Commodore Athletics

Football: We have a long and illustrious tradition of mediocrity. In 2008 the football team had their first winning season in over 25 years and their first bowl victory in 50 years.

Women’s Bowling: Due to its exceeding popularity, we recently added women’s bowling to our proud athletics program. In 2007 the Lady Dores brought home Vanderbilt’s first ever national championship. While not technically a sport, we’ll take it.

Basketball : Vanderbilt basketball has finished with at least a .500 SEC record for three straight years and continues to control the middle of the SEC East. Additionally, the Dores have only lost to Kentucky 131 times. That’s 11 times less than UT if you’re counting.

Memorial Gym was built to accommodate concert hall performances (true) because the string choir beat the basketball team in a game for creative control. The string choir performances are excellent, but the basketball can provide a low-brow alternative when you are lacking anything else to do
Vanderbilt Stadium Similarly, the football stadium has no weight room, just a pipe and cigar lounge courtesy of the debate team’s 7-2 victory over the Commodore football team back in 1980. We find this prevents the athletics program from taking up valuable schmoozing space.

Notable Alumni

Several great Americans call Vanderbilt their Alma Mater:

Amy Grant of Christian pop music fame, has been making middle-aged folks feel good for 30 years.

James Patterson Worlds greatest author who wrote “Kiss the Girls”, a novel later made into the feature film of the same name that jumpstarted Ashley Judd’s “also starring Morgan Freeman” career.

Jay Cutler is a former Denver Broncos crybaby and country club brawler; now a member of the Chicago Bears

Matt Freije Currently plays basketball for the Lebanese National Team (Ok, so he’s actually not American, but again, we’ll take him)

Al Gore Saving the planet one slide show at a time.

Skip Bayless Skip offers his sports genius daily on ESPN’s “First Take” as he argues the pompous elitist’s opinion against African Americans such as Stephen A Smith, Greg Anthony, Jalen Rose, Marcellus Wiley, Shaun King, Donovan McNabb, Lil Wayne, and Bow Wow.

I hope this has been informative and will help you to see that a wonderful world of opportunity awaits you during your time with us and indeed after graduation.

Sincerely,

Jared Quillen
Dean of Admissions

Article written by Matt Jones