We are nearing the end of the Blogger Contest and we are down to a Fab Five. This round, all five writers were told to write about Florida football and had free reign to go in any direction they pleased except a post on Tim Tebow. This is one of those entries.
I hate Florida. I mean, I really hate Florida. I know that Kentucky has rivalries with Tennessee, Louisville, Arkansas, etc. Those teams all elicit an appropriate amount of ire, but nothing gets my blood going like some Florida. Year in and year out, this is the team I want to beat the most. Football. Basketball. Baseball. Transgendered water polo. Whatever. I want Florida to lose and lose in the most embarrassing fashion possible. The question must be asked: What rankles a man so? What can stir this simple country boy to such vitriol? What ho, gentle reader, allow me to enumerate the ways in an homage to both Shakespeare and David Letterman.
10) THE COACH. Urban Meyer, a name that sounds like a pharmaceutical company, is an absolute flaming bag of excrement. He blames poor performances on the flu, he throws tantrums when his team isn’t considered for a national championship, he disrespects former players (ask Billy Clyde how that worked out), and he has the most condescending, passive-aggressive press conference demeanor this side of Hal Mumme. He is a tool. I take that back. He is a tool shed harboring all manner of high-powered toolery that he uses to show what an absolute douche nozzle he is. Need more proof? He is friends with Bill Belichick. I rest my case.
9) FORMER PLAYERS. Ever draft a Florida Gator on a fantasy football team? Prepare for disappointment. Ignoring the human groin pull that is Fred Taylor, every Florida wide receiver that makes it into the NFL suddenly can’t catch the ball or run a pattern to save his life. Don’t even get me started on the egregious, multi-platform exposure that is Emmitt Smith. Between Dancing with the Stars, Just For Men commercials, and his ill-fated analyst role on ESPN, Emmitt. .
*Emmitt Smith barges in*
Emmitt: Somebody say my name?
Christopher Johns: Yes, Emmitt. We are talking about you, your insufferable presence, and your Alma mater.
Emmitt: Alma mater? You mean my Gators? That offense do look gooder but not best. After the YouTee game, I tell them what Jimmy V said, “Don’t quit, don’t ever quit” and they be OK. Leadership has to come from leaders. As offense get better, the defense is goin be that much more better. You see.
Christopher Johns: Thank you Emmitt, for that insightful commentary. Please leave.
*Smith mambos out, stage left*
8) THE COLORS. Orange and bright blue? That combination is better suited for a bad Pennywise costume, not a football uniform. Their garb is an affront to the senses and makes you want to scoop your eyes out with a melon baller.
7) RIGHTEOUS QBs. Florida has more God-fearing signal callers than Notre Dame. I’m not even exclusively talking about Tim Tebow here. Danny Wuerffel started this trend. They do things like point to the sky after every play, quote Bible verses at press conferences, and hang around for a senior year after an extended prayer session resulted in God recommending he stick it out in college. Hey, Preacher Dan. You play on Saturday. I get my churchin’ on Sunday. If I want a clean cut white boy preaching The Word with my violent collisions, I’ll head to a league game at Asbury.
6) THE WOMEN. Speaking of piety, is it any wonder Tim Tebow is still a virgin? Have you seen the skanks at Florida? They have more extensions, implants, and make-up than your average Vivid girl. They shimmer with more bronzer than a gladiator helmet. From afar they look great (nothing puts beauty on a woman like distance), but you get up close and they are an absolute train wreck. Give me a Kentucky Southern Belle any day over one of these worn-out, leathery flatbackers.
5) THE GATOR CLAP (or the waterhead version of The Hokey Pokey). Appropriately named considering the female promiscuity at UF (See above), this stupid demonstration of group-think is more annoying than Rocky Top. How many of us have been leaving a stadium and encountered a drunken Chris-Leak-jersey-wearing Gator fan performing this stupid clap right in our face? The ubiquitous overhead shot of The Swamp doing The Gator Clap joins the Terrible Towel and the Tomahawk Chop as one of the top three idiotic, socially-engineered fan responses that make real football fans retch. Also, at home games, Gator fans do The Gator Clap to the Jaws theme. Do these welfare idiots even realize that Jaws was a shark? Highly doubtful.
4) GATORADE. Ah yes. The nectar of Zeus himself that has Keith Jackson waxing poetic on commercials regarding the greatness of the University of Florida. Hey, who made this drink popular? A basketball player from North Carolina? Yeah. As Red Fox would say, “Swallow it and shut the f-up.”
3) OLD FLORIDA. At the end of the third quarter of every home game, the Florida band plays “We are the Boys from Old Florida” to a serenading fan base. This is a dreadful tune that meanders along with lyrics that make absolutely no sense. Here are two lines from this atrocious warble:
Where the girls are the fairest,
the boys are the squarest.
The first line is an outright lie (see #5 above, again) and the second? The boys are the squarest? Huey Lewis aside, has square ever meant anything other than an insult? Well, they get points for being honest. I guess.
2) MR 2 BITS. Um. Actually, this is the one charming part of Florida football. Mr. 2 Bits is an elderly gentleman that leads the Ben Hill Griffin Stadium in the classic cheer. Mr. 2 Bits is like Florida’s Bill Keightley. It would be bad karma to insult this aspect. Moving on. . .
1) THE FANS. They are a combination of Pabst-swilling swamp-dwellers and privileged, carpetbagging elitists that say things like, “Let me get my fresh together”, before heading out to Ybor for a Zima with a Red Bull chaser. One side pops their collars and the other wears their hair down to their coll. . .well, let’s be honest. That side doesn’t own a shirt with a collar. They are a volatile mix that bring out the worst in each other. Class and decency are foreign words to this horde. As the only state in the south that isn’t Southern, the respectful nature of the rest of the SEC fan base is lost on these morons. The fans exhibit the worst sort of smug, egotistical arrogance combined with alcohol fueled bravado and ego. Decorum means nothing and is lost on these fools. They are the worst aspect of The University of Florida and the ultimate reason that I root for them to lose every game every time in the worst way possible.