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University of Kentucky Basketball, Football, and Recruiting news brought to you in the most ridiculous manner possible.

Big Blue Sports Roundup: Khan You Bloodsucker Edition

I wish to go on… hurting you.

Every week we’ll do a quick rundown of the UK Athletic Schedule. Yes, this is just reposting info you can find at the UK Athletics Website. At least it’ll be reposted in a nice concise manner.

I wish to go on... hurting you.

I wish to go on... hurting you.

Men’s TennisRevenge is a dish best served cold; it is kinda cold in the Boone Tennis Center. Two Kentucky players are involved in the ITA Southeast Regional Single’s draw hosted this weekend in Lexington. Kentucky freshman Eric Quigley defeated two nationally-ranked players before falling to Tennessee’s John-Patrick Smith. Kentucky senior Bruno Agostinelli knocked out Smith in the semi-finals. Bruno then battled Georgia’s Nate Schnugg, the 12th rated player in the nation, for nearly 3 hours in the finals, finally losing 7-6(5), 5-7, 6-4. Time was a luxury Bruno did not have.

By being a finalist, Bruno advances to the ITA National Indoor Finals that is held November 6th through the 9th in Charlottesville, Virginia.

Women’s Volleyball — The Wildcats keep on rolling. On Friday the Wildcats roasted Arkansas 3-0. Sunday the ladies fielded a little trouble from their Ole Miss visitors, but prevailed 3-2. Their success has netted them being ranked 22nd in the current coaches poll.

Wanna see the ladies take care of business? Well, this weekend, you’ll need to go to Starkville, Mississippi at 8PM ET on Friday, and Tuscaloosa, Alabama at 2PM ET on Sunday. (Or you could watch FSN South on Sunday, as the contest is scheduled to be televised.

Men’s Football — Heading to Gainesville. At least have fun with it; make a drinking game where you take a shot or drink every time you think the Wildcat offense did something wrong. That way, if you don’t want to watch the 4th quarter, you should have enough alcohol to inspire you to pass out.

Men’s Soccer — Sophomore Midfielder Tyler Burns, I dub thee Dragonslayer. Your goal in the 99th minute of overtime put away the UAB Blazers with a score of 2-1. You and your merry band of kickers are currently tied for second place in the C-USA on the strength of your national 16th-best scoring offense and the 22nd-best goals-against average. But lo! Your path leads you to peril, including a battle with the (Dark) Knights of UCF (7-4-1, 3-1-0 in C-USA) on Wednesday at 7 p.m. ET in Lexington. Then on Saturday, you host an attack of Golden Panthers from Florida International at 7PM in your castle. Stray but a little, Slayer and friends, and you may find yourselves south of heaven:

Rifle — North! To Alaska-Fairbanks on Friday. Clap for Alaska!

Cross Country — Long races, short season. The Wildcats put together an impressive showing at the Penn State National Invitational, the Wildcats final regular season meet, last Friday. The men’s team finished 7th (out of 28 teams), and the women’s team finished 6th (out of 28). The men were led by Sophomore Adam Henken, who finished 6th overall. Leading the ladies was Senior Jessica Ortman at 19th overall. The SEC Championships on November 4th is the next contest for the team, but hopefully it will not be the last.

Women’s Golf — The ladies were working on their crucial putting skills at God Golf this weekend. In the match play tune-ups, junior Erica Still defeated senior Mallory Blackwelder 3 and 2 on the Miracles course. Empowered by an amazing eagle on the Ark, junior Kristin Vincent defeated freshman Alyssa Randolph 6 and 4. The match on the New Testament course was defaulted to sophomore Louise Ljungstedt when freshman Megan Moir took the Lord’s name in vain and was immediately smited.

The Wildcats jump back into real action at the Derby Invitational in Auburn, Alabama on Friday through Sunday.

Women’s Soccer — Sometimes, you just can’t win for losing. The Wildcats feel that way, after suffering a 3-1 loss at Arkansas and a 2-1 loss at LSU. That makes 6 straight SEC losses in the last 6 games. With the season drawing to a close, the Wildcats need to win the next three games outright, and hope things go badly for South Carolina and Vandy, in order to make the SEC Tournament. This week’s chances to pull out a miracle are on Thursday, when the ladies host Mississippi State at 7PM ET, and on Sunday visiting Ole Miss at 2PM. Both Mississippi teams are at the bottom of the SEC West standings.

Men’s Golf — A nice honor for seniors Ben Fuqua and Andy Winings. Both have been rank among the top-10 golfers in the SEC; Fuqua is ranked 3rd, and Winings 8th. Nationally, Fuqua is ranked 9th and Winings is 38th. The men jump back into action October 24th through 26th for the Isleworth Collegiate Invitational.

Men’s & Women’s Basketball — Running more suicides than an emo convention.

Seriously, the Women’s team invites you to their Fan Day on November 1st. According to the press release, “the event is free of charge and will feature inflatable games, music, free posters, an autograph session and a Blue and White scrimmage. Doors will open at 10 a.m. ET and the first 200 fans will receive free food.”

Free food AND inflatable games? They have successfully addressed my fat and child-like nature! I’m so there! (Look, I’m not being sarcastic. Its like they’ve reached into my mind and pulled out exactly what incentives I need to leave the basement.)

Of course, November 1st is also the Men’s Blue-White game. The game time has been changed to 6PM. That way you can watch the Football Wildcats play Mississippi State on the television. Oh, wait, nevermind.

Article written by The Fake Gimel Martinez

I may be fake, but my passion for UK sports is real. Probably put all my best work at and, so go there when I start coasting here.