With football season set to kick off on Saturday there’s a ton of work to be done in preparation for the first tailgate. We’re gonna be spending the next few nights converting an old Ford E-150 Van into a ridiculously obnoxious party on wheels.
Rest assured when we are finished with it, you won’t want the damn thing parked anywhere near your house. Totally excited about this project. Gonna post updates on the van here on the blog whether you want to read about them or not. Pics too.
Profiles in Tailgating: In a rare moment of caring about something that doesn’t benefit me whatsoever, I’m offering to post stories/pics of your tailgate here as well. Here’s the deal. If your tailgate does not suck and you want to get your favorite cornhole board, beer bong, RV, or even your ugly mug on the blog send the pics to me at [email protected]. Include a backstory, your name(s), any tailgating traditions you may have, or whatever you think is relevant and if I deem it worthy I’ll put it on the blog. Given my popularity around this place I’m sure the response will be completely overwhelming.
Speaking of tailgating…
The 5 Most Annoying Tailgaters:
1. The Mooch: Rolls up to the tailgate with nothing but a coozie and a smile. This guy usually glad hands a few people, makes the necessary small talk, and quickly moves on to the all important question,
Who do I need to pay to eat and drink? Where’s the booze? Dude then proceeds to slam beer like Stone Cold Steve Austin and eat like Kobayashi. He’s very closely related to your roommate freshman year that had no problem drinking your last beer in the fridge or taking down whatever food your mom made for you. As an added bonus, when it’s time to pack up everything for the day, he’s like the Cincinnati Reds in the post-season: No where to be found.
2. Superfan: Oh, you went to every home game last season? Well, I went to every game, including the road games, and the bowl game. I also donated tons of money to the K Fund and lived out of van in the 1990’s to follow the basketball team around the country for the NCAA’s. Yeah. I’m impressed. Congrats jackass. You must be the greatest fan on the planet. Seriously. Let’s rip C.M. Newton’s name off the field (which I fully support) and put your name up there (this part is sarcasm). No act is more tired or played out than listening to this guy give his statistical analysis of why he is a better fan than you. 1. You aren’t. 2. No one cares.
3. The Girlfriend Who Hates Sports: Nothing like this raging bitch to lighten the mood at the tailgate. One of your buddies will inevitably be tied down to this succubus and will trot her out to at least one tailgate a year. The chances of seeing her greatly increase at homecoming when she’ll no doubt be looking to see which of her former sorority sisters have swelled up like a Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade balloon and catch up on the latest rumors of who’s doing who. Seriously, who wouldn’t want to spend the afternoon listening to that and hearing how dumb football is? Double shot of Maker’s. Stat.
4. Social Tailgater: He’s just here for the booze and to check out the chicks. Doesn’t know Rafael Little from Stuart Little. Easily identifiable by his lack of team colors. Could be sporting a pink polo or maybe a green trucker hat. He may or may not actually go into the game. If it’s a late game he’s definitely ready to bounce midway through the third quarter to get posted up at the bar. Besides, that’s all tailgating is anyway, a chance to pre-game for the bar scene and hone his game. Really, what’s all the fuss about the football game for anyway? You can’t take a football game home with you and get something done.
5. Mark Hollingsworth: Cha ching. Rack.
High 85. Low 61. Mostly sunny. It moved. True Story. Still a little on the warm side for bourbon d’oh. I prefer to drink my bourbon once the thermometer stays below 80 degrees for the daytime high. Gonna have to stick with Bud Light this weekend.