Dearest Tubbers and Company,
It is rare that I ask much out of you. Sure, you have provided me with countless hours of entertainment and jubilation, yet have never asked anything in return. And yes, my knowledge and love of you made life easier as a salesman in eastern Kentucky. And, of course, my wardrobe would look much different (fewer blue T-shirts) if I had never heard your Siren song all those years ago. While I am forever grateful for all that you’ve done for me, I must make one small request: FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS HOLY AND PURE; BEAT THE HOOSIERS!
Ramel, what you may not understand is that I am no longer surrounded by the cozy, fluffy blanket that are the Appalachian Mountains of the EKY. No, no, I was exiled to a border state of our fair Commonwalth where Mountains are the things of legend (like fictional character Audie Murphy) and the wind howls like Alex Trebek’s mother (Are you satisfied now, Connery?). In this place, people with midwestern accents accuse my non-regional diction of being almost improper and beg me to regale them with such sayings as, “Cold enough to kill hogs.” While these attributes alone are not enough to induce my wrath, one fact remains to be discussed: They are all IU fans and would like nothing more than to rub my face in a Wildcat thrashing.
Woo, one consequence of a Cat loss will be my decision to NOT attend a c0-worker’s Christmas party on Saturday night. Although I have been promised that I will get to meet someone who appeared as a contestant on MTV’s Remote Control (hosted by Colin Quinn), I just could not bring myself to face all those IU fans replete with statistics of how the Hoosiers hold the series lead and tales of famous make-believe alumni such as Pete Rose and George Washington Carver. My pride in my team, ney, my Commonwealth will not allow such a thing to occur.
Furthermore, Sheray, I might as well not return to work at all considering everything about my employer screams “INDIANA” and I work in the same area as many IU grads. A Kentucky win would allow me to represent our glorious state with much panache and bravado as I would be sure to rub it in their collective face because, “Everyone loves a sore winner”. I think that’s how that phrase goes.
Finally, Dwight Perry and Mark Coury interlocking arms as Derrick Jasper shoots free throws down the stretch, if you need just a little more encouragement than the undeniably persuasive argument that I have already presented, look no further than to a local Lexington Hospital where a crippled little boy lays hoping against hope that the Cats will win. How do I know that little boy? I crippled him myself to give you further inspiration, and will return his puppy back to him safe and sound at the conclusion of a Wildcat victory.
Godspeed my Precious Wildcats, Godspeed,