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University of Kentucky Basketball, Football, and Recruiting news brought to you in the most ridiculous manner possible.

An Open Letter to Coach Drake

 

Dear Mr. Coach Drake,

 

Hello.

 

You don’t know me, but I’m a lot like you. Sure, I’m not an incredibly talented black Jewish Canadian rapper (though I do a solid Gangsta’s Paradise karaoke). I don’t have beef with Chris Brown. I didn’t get a title ring. I don’t have bars named after me in Lexington and Louisville. And I’m not coaching in the Alumni game.

 

However, like you, I paid a due or two to get where I am. I wrote for start up sites, never got paid, had 10’s of 20’s of people reading what I wrote. But now I’ve arrived. At KSR, I get to read about how much I suck in every comments section! It’s what every kid that’s not good enough to play at UK dreams of doing. If people hate it, at least they read it, right? You faced similar adversity with your mix tapes before you made it to the life of poppin’ bottles and sittin’ court side. I bet not everyone loved every episode of Degrassi, did they?

 

These similar life experiences have bonded us more than you will ever know. Seriously, you’ll never actually know. But I have some advice for you as the coach of one of the Alumni teams next Saturday (tickets here).

 

It has recently come to my attention that you will be coaching in the Alumni game next Saturday in Rupp Arena. I’m really jealous that you’ll probably get to hang out with Perry Stevenson. Did you know he once blocked a free throw? It was really dumb, but it was the first one ever.

 

I digress. Drizzy, may I call you Drizzy? Drizzy I have some advice for you. I know you may not be familiar with all the X’s and O’s that are involved in the game of basketball. You probably don’t know the ins and outs of the dribble drive. You may think closing out is what you do when your bar tab hits $50,000. These things are perfectly okay.

 

The guys you will be coaching are professionals. They don’t need plays. They don’t need instruction. They already know what foot to jump off of when they fake a lay up to throw an alley oop to Anthony Davis. What they need is some of your swagger. They need inspiration to #DontGeek.  You can provide that with a simple pre-game speech that I have prepared for you.

 

“Guys, first off let me say I’m happy to be here. I’m glad Coach Cal invited me. He must MISS ME. When he asked if I wanted to be involved I said ‘HELL YEAH.’ 

 

Secondly, shout out to all of you who arrived looking very FANCY this evening. I’m happy that you all have been so SUCCESSFUL.  It safe to say this team is THE BEST I EVER HAD.

 

Anthony, I’m glad you saw the HEADLINES this summer and got some new clothes. You’d been needing to get some FOREVER. Guys, when you throw Anthony an oop tonight, don’t throw it below the rim. Aim RIGHT ABOVE IT.

 

I’m not going to do a lot with the substitutions, I don’t know who stayed UP ALL NIGHT and who didn’t. If you want to play, just say ‘I’M GOIN IN.’ If you are hot and don’t want to come out just say “Coach I’M ON ONE, leave me in.” When you are coming in and out of the game show love to the fans and you will get a huge ROUND OF APPLAUSE.

 

In closing, I’ve got MONEY TO BLOW and I definitely took the OVER (NO LIE), so STAY SCHEMIN out there and MAKE ME PROUD tonight.  Go TAKE CARE of business. You’ll remember this MOMENT 4 LIFE.

 

Okay, bring it in guys. Here’s THE MOTTO for tonight: YOLO on three.”

 

Coach Mr. Drizzy Drake, let me be the first to welcome you back to the bluegrass. If you get time while you’re here, could you work with Kyle Wiltjer. I heard you’re great with a hook.

 

Sincerely,

 

Aaron Flener

@AFlenerKSR

 

 

 

 

 

Article written by Aaron Flener

John, I was first team All-State. I can put the ball anywhere I want to. I'll make it rain out here.

27 Comments for An Open Letter to Coach Drake



  1. steaming pile of
    9:43 pm September 7, 2012 Permalink

    POOOP is what this was.



  2. Dake
    9:44 pm September 7, 2012 Permalink

    Well played sir, well played ‘eh.

    First



  3. Dake
    9:44 pm September 7, 2012 Permalink

    D’oh, slow Canadian internet



  4. UKBigDaddy
    9:47 pm September 7, 2012 Permalink

    This is not good. Believe it or not, I’d rather read more Billy Cylde crap…



  5. WTF
    9:52 pm September 7, 2012 Permalink

    that was awful.



  6. steve
    9:58 pm September 7, 2012 Permalink

    how does this crap get posted on here



  7. Columbia Ave's Finest
    10:04 pm September 7, 2012 Permalink

    Anyone who says this is not good is either not a Drake fan or does not have a good sense of humor. Actually probably both. Great article, I bet Drake responds to this lol



  8. Hal
    10:20 pm September 7, 2012 Permalink

    you are the kathy griffin of uk sports bloggers.



  9. bigbluejon
    10:23 pm September 7, 2012 Permalink

    I don’t know how long it took you to come up with that speech, but let me assure you it was a waste of time.



  10. ukfan
    10:23 pm September 7, 2012 Permalink

    lol very clever.. I bet a lot of the people who didn’t like it don’t even realize why the letter was creative to begin with, old asses.



  11. cats11
    10:31 pm September 7, 2012 Permalink

    10. I’m 21. I thought it was stupid. You can use “lol” on Tomlin’s post because it was hilarious, but you can’t use it here.



  12. jaxcats8503
    10:35 pm September 7, 2012 Permalink

    You’re absolutely right, ‘ukfan’. Flener, please replace Corey Nichols at 9am.



  13. TenRev
    10:51 pm September 7, 2012 Permalink

    That is funny. I’m not sure which is better, the meaning of “closing out” or the fact that he took the “over”. Well played all the way around.



  14. cousin justin
    10:57 pm September 7, 2012 Permalink

    I have seen your Gangsters Paradise karaoke. Went over kinda like this post. But, as you know, everyone who participates gets a trophy, so there’s that. Keep paying those dues. And keep an eye out for Drake’s posse.



  15. Bleaker
    11:16 pm September 7, 2012 Permalink

    Too long. Trying too hard. Study a Tomlin post. Short, funny, and to the point. You are welcome.



  16. ColumbusCat
    12:28 am September 8, 2012 Permalink

    Dos anyone else remember Adam horn from the blogging contest? Can’t believe he got cut, woulda been a powerhouse over here.



  17. HeshimuEvans'2ndGradeTeacher
    12:46 am September 8, 2012 Permalink

    thought it was pretty funny up till the drizzy speech



  18. Dangit Bobby
    3:11 am September 8, 2012 Permalink

    Wow almost as bad as a Johnathan Schuette article… almost.



  19. Nopressisbadpress
    3:47 am September 8, 2012 Permalink

    Well written, well delivered, and hilarious. I think you guys don’t appreciate what this post player brings to table. Allow yourselves to laugh! Think about how he mixes it up on this blog. Do you want everyone to be an x’s and o’s guy? No. This post is a deep three for me, even if it was a Donald j hookshoot.



  20. crap
    8:34 am September 8, 2012 Permalink

    this utter garbage, keep this crap off this site please!!!



  21. johnblinkybolton
    9:15 am September 8, 2012 Permalink

    I don’t get it..



  22. Cooter rupe
    9:36 am September 8, 2012 Permalink

    This is worse than Glasgow police



  23. AaronJ
    9:44 am September 8, 2012 Permalink

    Matt needs to revoke your rights to post, wtf is this crap?



  24. JPhelps
    10:01 am September 8, 2012 Permalink

    And Flener says, “Thank you for all the posts…” He doesn’t care if you like what he posts, the fact you clicked on it to post, he did his job. haha, but I agree, The “BTI suck factor” is strong with this one.



  25. Gabe Dadi
    12:13 pm September 8, 2012 Permalink

    Aaron Flener is the beginning of the down fall for KSR.

    Long live Marc Maggard!



  26. Jeremy
    2:15 pm September 8, 2012 Permalink

    good game, good effort



  27. BHFanatic
    6:48 pm September 8, 2012 Permalink

    very well done