Dear Mr. Coach Drake,
You don’t know me, but I’m a lot like you. Sure, I’m not an incredibly talented black Jewish Canadian rapper (though I do a solid Gangsta’s Paradise karaoke). I don’t have beef with Chris Brown. I didn’t get a title ring. I don’t have bars named after me in Lexington and Louisville. And I’m not coaching in the Alumni game.
However, like you, I paid a due or two to get where I am. I wrote for start up sites, never got paid, had 10’s of 20’s of people reading what I wrote. But now I’ve arrived. At KSR, I get to read about how much I suck in every comments section! It’s what every kid that’s not good enough to play at UK dreams of doing. If people hate it, at least they read it, right? You faced similar adversity with your mix tapes before you made it to the life of poppin’ bottles and sittin’ court side. I bet not everyone loved every episode of Degrassi, did they?
These similar life experiences have bonded us more than you will ever know. Seriously, you’ll never actually know. But I have some advice for you as the coach of one of the Alumni teams next Saturday (tickets here).
It has recently come to my attention that you will be coaching in the Alumni game next Saturday in Rupp Arena. I’m really jealous that you’ll probably get to hang out with Perry Stevenson. Did you know he once blocked a free throw? It was really dumb, but it was the first one ever.
I digress. Drizzy, may I call you Drizzy? Drizzy I have some advice for you. I know you may not be familiar with all the X’s and O’s that are involved in the game of basketball. You probably don’t know the ins and outs of the dribble drive. You may think closing out is what you do when your bar tab hits $50,000. These things are perfectly okay.
The guys you will be coaching are professionals. They don’t need plays. They don’t need instruction. They already know what foot to jump off of when they fake a lay up to throw an alley oop to Anthony Davis. What they need is some of your swagger. They need inspiration to #DontGeek. You can provide that with a simple pre-game speech that I have prepared for you.
“Guys, first off let me say I’m happy to be here. I’m glad Coach Cal invited me. He must MISS ME. When he asked if I wanted to be involved I said ‘HELL YEAH.’
Secondly, shout out to all of you who arrived looking very FANCY this evening. I’m happy that you all have been so SUCCESSFUL. It safe to say this team is THE BEST I EVER HAD.
Anthony, I’m glad you saw the HEADLINES this summer and got some new clothes. You’d been needing to get some FOREVER. Guys, when you throw Anthony an oop tonight, don’t throw it below the rim. Aim RIGHT ABOVE IT.
I’m not going to do a lot with the substitutions, I don’t know who stayed UP ALL NIGHT and who didn’t. If you want to play, just say ‘I’M GOIN IN.’ If you are hot and don’t want to come out just say “Coach I’M ON ONE, leave me in.” When you are coming in and out of the game show love to the fans and you will get a huge ROUND OF APPLAUSE.
In closing, I’ve got MONEY TO BLOW and I definitely took the OVER (NO LIE), so STAY SCHEMIN out there and MAKE ME PROUD tonight. Go TAKE CARE of business. You’ll remember this MOMENT 4 LIFE.
Okay, bring it in guys. Here’s THE MOTTO for tonight: YOLO on three.”
Coach Mr. Drizzy Drake, let me be the first to welcome you back to the bluegrass. If you get time while you’re here, could you work with Kyle Wiltjer. I heard you’re great with a hook.