(If only this were a post about Eric Idle applying for U.S. citizenship)
Yes, there is much fighting in Lebanon (again), the U.S. is pushing for sanctions on Iran (again), and Ireland is heading to the polls (again), but lost amid all this commotion to the vast majority of Americans was the outcome of a niche reality show on a struggling network known only for the saucy “Married with Children”.
To help Kentucky fans better conceptualize what this “American Idol” is like, just imagine that Patrick Patterson started out with 24 colleges that he might attend. Then, for the next 6 months or so, he would eliminate one school each week, until finally there were but a few to choose from (although you knew it was going to be UK, Florida, and Duke way back when the process started). Next, throw in dramatic pauses by a weaselly host (Matt Jones), bring back long-forgotten “stars” to perform and coach Patrick every week (Rob Lock, Stacey Poole, Joey Beard, etc.), and occasionally show clips of the presentations by schools “in over their head” in the Patterson recruitment (I’m thinking Hazard Community College, Rhode Island School of Design, and the University of Louisville), so that everyone can have an uproarious laugh at the expense of these schools whose friends tell them they have a great voice. Such is American Idol.
Now that you have a basic understanding, let’s review what actually happened tonight.
1. The audience at Hollywood’s Kodak Theatre (I like spelling the British way) was polluted with B or worse —list celebrities. Hasselhoff was back this year though he wasn’t eating a sandwich off the floor nor did he cry. No word on what his BAC was. The tall guy from “Everybody Loves Raymond Except Mosley” was in attendance as was Denise Richards (I can’t remember why she’s famous). However, the highlight was that Jerry Springer and Jeff Foxworthy were seated in back-to-back rows and that Foxworthy brought his glorious mustache.
2. Gwen Stefani performed…a song no one had ever heard…via satellite although I kind of think that it defeated the purpose. The Turkey Hunter was sorely disappointed as he saw only Gwen Stefani (who he does not find attractive) with exactly zero of her Japanese entourage.
3. Both Smokey Robinson and Gladys Knight were released from their respective states of semi-stasis in oxygen chambers long enough to perform old music with young kids. My girlfriend thinks Smokey has pretty eyes. She also finds Blake talented, so draw your own conclusions.
4. Green Day performed a song by John Lennon (I think?), without very much eyeliner and protesting the genocide in Darfur. Before you say Green Day has sold out by playing on American Idol, keep in mind that they did release the closest thing to a relevant protest album since the early ‘70s only two years ago. Also, Billy Jo Armstrong really has bad teeth.
5. Every former Idol came back to perform…with the exception of Fantasia. Unfortunately, the invitation was mailed, e-mailed, and texted to her. No one considered that a vocal invitation was necessary in her case.
Kelly Clarkson performed something way too dark for American Idol, Ruben had to do a duet with Jordin Sparks, Taylor came out and crouched over while convulsing and spinning around, and Carrie Underwood lit up my night with her lovliness. She is probably the best person on the face of the planet right now. To quote the Bard, “she glows with the radiance of one thousand flashlights shoved up her butt” (Hamlet, Prince of Denmark Act II. Scene II.)
6. The lowlight of the night was Blake “duetting” (is that a word?) with Doug E. Fresh, if that is his real name. Apparently, Doug E. Fresh is the “original” human beat box, a fact that was lost on me because I am not familiar with rap music prior to 1986. Mr. E. Fresh looked right at home on stage with a suburban, twenty-something, white kid, to the point that it reminded me of the SNL sketch with Horatio Sanz and Greg Minor? as two old rappers that hosted a TV show and chided others that chose not to rap about “cleaning your room, making good grades, or eatin’ your greens”.
7. In the end, to no one’s shock and amazement, Blake didn’t pull the upset and didn’t beat Jordin. Blake joins an ever-growing list of 2nd placers and takes up residence in Forgettableborough along with the Guarinis and the Digarmos–or so we must hope. Seriously, if I ever hear his “beat-boxing” on actual radio, I might have to take out that nest of Robin eggs on my front porch ( find them excellent, poached). Want that on your conscience, Blake?
Also, to help simplify things in the Comments Section, I am providing this easy to use guide to saying what you want to say about this post and others like it. Instead of typing in your comment, just save yourself some time and pick the appropriate letter. It will be much easier for everyone. Thanks!
A. Matt, seriously, this kind of stuff does not belong on the blog. Apparently, this guy does not understand that this is a SPORTS BLOG.
B. Matt, that was awful, seriously, it was neither funny nor informative? Also, are we going to get Patterson?
C. Matt, I wish you would cut out this garbage and give us what we demand: Up-to-date information about the goings-on of the UK program. DO YOUR JOB!
D. Matt, have you heard anything about where Patterson and Lucas are going? Also, could you tell us what happened on the Duke visit?