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A User’s Guide to Thunder Over Louisville

2007 Thunder Over Louisville Regulations

As many of you know, today is one of Louisville’s biggest of the year, the official kicking-off of Derby Season and the esteemed date of the very famous Thunder Over Louisville, which is known as the largest annual fireworks show in the country.

Some of you may be thinking of heading down to Thunder this afternoon. As a service, I contacted the Louisville Chamber of Commerce to see if there’s anything you need to know before visiting, and they were kind enough to provide us with a short leaflet on the festivities. The following list of guidelines may help you enjoy the day to its fullest and avoid any trouble as you take in the event and this beautiful day:

1. No unsanctioned open alcohol containers will be tolerated.

2. Please keep your children near you at all times.

3. Restrooms will be provided at designated stations; please do not request to use the restrooms of restaurants, stores or other establishments.

4. The air show is for licensed and registered aircraft ONLY; please do not attempt to enter festival airspace with your own aircraft or aircraft which is not recognized nor accepted by the standards of the FAA.

5. Diarrhea may be acquired by consuming many of the festival’s foodservice booths. For a list of these booths or information or to learn how you can secure diarrhea before visiting Thunder Over Louisville, please see a separate pamphlet available by request.

6. Due to public demand, those who have unkempt tatoos, excessive body hair or sweat profusely will be required by local police to remove their shirts upon entry to Thunder Over Louisville. Force is authorized by these personnel.

7. To best enjoy Thunder Over Louisville’s fireworks display, cock your head toward the sky and open your eyes. This best works after the fireworks display has already begun; at other times this will not yield desired results.

8. Frotteurism is not permitted in the public areas of Thunder Over Louisville. For your consideration, however, frotteurism will be permitted at designated frotteurism stations.

9. Please refrain from explosive profanity at the sight of Thunder Over Lousiville. If you must exclaim expletives, please scream them into a sanctioned, soundproof “profanity bag” available at the information center.

10. Please remember that old people have the right to enjoy Thunder Over Louisville as well. Knocking them over, stealing their mobile assistance vehicles or screaming expletives at them will not be tolerated by law enforcement (see “profanity bag,” no. 9).

11. The sale of elephant ears is permitted only if the confection is called an “elephant ear” for euphamistic purposes. The sale of actual elephant ears for public consumption at Thunder Over Louisville is punishable by international environmental laws.

12. Due to a current legal dispute over claims concerning the size and breadth of Thunder Over Louisville’s fireworks display as the largest in the country, we regret that this year no Minnesotans will be permitted to enjoy the festival.

13. Please keep genitals inside your clothing at all times. Removal/display of genitals will only be permitted with a medical excuse from a pre-approved list of doctors. A list of these doctors will be provided by the Chamber of Commerce.

14. If a member of the visiting carnival staff tries to eat your baby, please alert local law enforcement. Do NOT try to handle the situation yourself.

We hope these regulations will provide a safe and stable environment for this year’s festival. Enjoy Thunder Over Louisville!

Article written by C.M. Tomlin