Dear Mr. Radio,
It is with great disappointment I write this letter to you today. I recently became aware, via my secretary, of a “Tennessee Hate Day” being promoted on your internet place. I find this to be an incredibly immature use of your time, and I feel as if I should write to “set the record straight” on a few things.
The University of Tennessee has been a fine, upstanding institution in this state for almost twenty years. To insinuate that this university is somehow “less than” your own is positively ludicrous, and the ongoing stereotypes of our state’s fine citizens which you insist upon purveying is becoming simply too much. For instance, of the ten people I recently and informally polled, just five of them had a car in their yards. That’s only 15%!
Furthermore, the University of Tennessee’s curriculum is the finest in the entire city and continues to do great things. Just last year, we graduated the second most taxidermists in the country (we’ll get you next year, North Carolina!), our Truck Stop Management Program is consistently among the top in the country, and concert violinist Roy Acuff once was quoted as saying “The University of Tennessee is a university in Tennessee.” Has your precious Ashley Judd ever said that? Point Tennessee.
Someday you may even have to rely on University of Tennessee graduates. Then you’ll feel silly for having mocked us. Think about that next time you need a human shield, or when you need a new set of “truck balls” for your trailer hitch. Truck balls don’t grow on trees, you know!
Without Tennessee and its responsible citizens, the rest of the world would be denied many notable contributions to society, such as clocks created out of varnished slices of tree trunk, hilarious can cozies, or recording artist Tennessee Ernie Ford. And what if Ron Slay hadn’t been available to fix your toilet last week? You’d have been in a world of hurt, I’ll bet!
Our sports programs have always been top-notch, and we’ve always remained dedicated to it. Can you imagine how many slain goats per week it takes to keep the terrifying cave-monster who coaches our women’s basketball team satisfied? Can you even fathom how many interstate chemical and oil spills have been rectified through the charitable donations of our discarded headbands? Tennessee sports are good for both the students and the community.
And if you didn’t have Tennessee, everyone in Kentucky would fall down into Alabama. Look at a map, idiots. It’s plain geography. Have you ever even thought about that? Probably not.
Also, on a very serious note, we’d thank you to stop mentioning Bruce Pearl’s sweating issues. He has a glandular problem, and it’s no laughing matter. Seriously.
Thank you for allowing me a chance to respond to your “Tennessee Hate Day” today, and I hope I’ve cleared up some things about the University, and state, of Tennesssee for your audiences. Now I must get back to work. As you can imagine, if I took time out of my busy day to write personal letters to everyone who thinks Tennessee is full of rednecks and jackasses, I’d never get anything done. We look forward to hosting you in Thompson Boling arena this weekend.
William Joseph Raymond Jackson, Jr.
Office of the President, University of Tennessee