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A Quick, Fake Preview of Princeton’s Muggles

(Image of Princeton’s Library locker room storage from; player pictures below are from

It seems that Wildcat fans’ attention seems to be split between the projected NCAA Tourney matchups against Huggy and the Bucknuts. Getting overlooked are the Wildcats’ first second round opponents Princeton Tigers, who scrapped their way to an Ivy League Championship and a #13 seed. Unlike the teams coached by Pete Carril, this Princeton team does not rely on a constant barrage of back-door cuts. These Tigers are mobile and can score from both inside and and out. If Kentucky is not careful, they could find themselves down when the Snitch is caught.

Princeton’s top players include:


Ian Hummer, Sophomore Chaser

At 6′ 7″ and 226 pounds, you would not necessarily make crude jokes to his face involving his last name’s correlation with a lewd term for a sexual act. Hummer is the primary scorer for Princeton, taking 25.8% of Princeton’s total shots per game. has Hummer listed as one of the nation’s best effective scorers, even though he hasn’t taken one long shot at the hoops.


Kareem Maddox, Senior Keeper

Named the Ivy League’s Defensive Player of the year, this 6′ 8″ hulk dominates the Keeper Zone. Maddox averages 1.8 blocks per game in mostly-foul-free play (only 67 Yellow Wands on the year; averaging 2.1 Yellow Wands a game). Expect him to match up with Kentucky’s Terrence Jones and make life difficult for any of Kentucky’s Chasers who come inside the Keeper Zone.


Douglas Davis, Junior Seeker

Can create space on his own and escape thrown Bludgers by opponents’ Beaters. Recently gained notoriety for a last-second grab of the Snitch to propel the Tigers over Harvard in the Ivy League NCAA play-in game.

There is video of the Tigers in action, with commentary by CBS Sports’ Greg Gumbel. Study it well.

Fake Gimel is on Facebook. Don’t try to tell him how much you loved the Harry Potter Quidditch stuff, because frankly, he really doesn’t understand any of it. Klaatu Barada Nikto.

Article written by The Fake Gimel Martinez

I may be fake, but my passion for UK sports is real. Probably put all my best work at and, so go there when I start coasting here.

16 Comments for A Quick, Fake Preview of Princeton’s Muggles

  1. ebell55
    3:12 pm March 16, 2011 Permalink

    I’ve never whatched a Harry Potter movie and I never will as long as I’m an American Cat fan who is a Grown A** Man! However I knew that this jibberish had to come from one of those movies! I saw the word snitch and thought we were playing UT!

  2. tdr76
    3:21 pm March 16, 2011 Permalink

    I went ahead and purchased my Saturday session tickets, lets go Cats!

  3. Tobias Funke
    3:23 pm March 16, 2011 Permalink

    FGM: you’re slippin. no alt text on the lockerroom photo? and you call yourself a nerd.

  4. Don
    3:30 pm March 16, 2011 Permalink

    The beat Harvard on last second shot. Harvard took one in the golden snitch from Travis Ford’s boys by 17 or so last night in the NIT. Color me unimpressed.

  5. fifthoffive
    3:36 pm March 16, 2011 Permalink

    Kareem Maddox and Jerry Seinfeld – Separated at birth?

  6. BlueFins
    3:38 pm March 16, 2011 Permalink

    Ian Hummer’s twin brother, Iwanna, is a Sophomore at Morehead State.

  7. Kidnut
    3:38 pm March 16, 2011 Permalink

    Is that weatherman going to make an appearance in the game?

  8. SexnNursinHomes
    3:45 pm March 16, 2011 Permalink

    6- hahaha, they got a real whorey sister named Getta

  9. Anthonyeppsdrivingschool
    3:52 pm March 16, 2011 Permalink

    3, did you just blue yourself?

  10. Dale Gribble
    3:56 pm March 16, 2011 Permalink

    I’m hearing whispers that Clyde has tee times for 10:00 PM tonight in Lubbock, TX. Sounds like a done deal.

  11. RockyRoad
    4:50 pm March 16, 2011 Permalink

    Princeton is not even close to us. We don’t need anyone telling us to beware of them. We could only play Poole, Hood, Vargus, Polsen and Miller and still beat them by twenty. And I for one would like to never see Gillispie’s name never again mentioned on this site. He is a horrible coach, drunk or sober, and someone I would like to put in a room, tie up to a chair and slowly torture with a blowtorch and a pair of pliers.

  12. D'snuts
    4:51 pm March 16, 2011 Permalink

    I wish Fake Gimel would disapear again. I can’t find the actual words to describe these recent posts. What word is worse than lame? la

  13. Or'ngeNOMore
    4:53 pm March 16, 2011 Permalink

    Does Davis resemble our man Miller or what?

  14. cracka
    5:17 pm March 16, 2011 Permalink

    five on three? i like our odds!

  15. oliver wood
    8:15 pm March 16, 2011 Permalink

    Hummer can really score the quaffle, but they’re gonna need a few pints of felix felices to beat Kentucky. Butter beers and Madam Rosmerta’s oak matured mead on Euclid!

  16. Mack
    9:32 pm March 16, 2011 Permalink

    The Hummer sounds like he would enjoy playing the YUM-YUM Center.