I was going to attempt to direct all of my hate today toward Louisville football, but when I tried to come up with a list of things that have happened since the last time your football team won a national championship, all I could come up with was this:
Things that have happened since the last time Louisville won a football national championship:
Instead, I decided to adjust the list a bit and re-direct my focus toward the things that have happened since the last time your basketball team won a national championship… in 1986.
Things that have happened since the last time Louisville won a basketball national championship:
(Key for the reader= a * denotes a slightly different progression for UL fans as opposed to the rest of the world)
1) I was born.
2) I have spent a quarter of a century on this earth
3) Kentucky won 3 national championships
4) Mike Marra got a tattoo
5) Every kid in America lost a friend to dysentery, typhoid, measles, cholera, exhaustion or trying to unsuccessfully ford the river.
6) Pagers–> Nokias/Snake game –> Flip Phones –> Razors –> Pink Razors –> Blackberrys–> iPhones AND Droids –> iPhones –> Siri –> #SiriSucks –> Emojies –>>
iPhone 5 equipped with a Hologram keyboard
* Pagers –> Go Phone –> Stolen iPhone
7) Mike Marra got another tattoo
8) Kentucky beat Tennessee football with a wide receiver at quarterback
9) Bruce Pearl beat Tennessee basketball with Aaron Craft at a barbecue
10) Brett Favre retired…a lot.
11) Sir Mix-a-Lot taught us “flat butts aren’t the thing”
* No one taught us “flat bills aren’t the thing”
12) Beverly Hills 90210 happened. Twice.
13) Everyone scored 383,294,202 points on Temple Run.
14) Mike Marra got another tattoo
15) Billy Ray Cyrus had the most talked about haircut in America. Billy Ray Cyrus had a kid. Billy Ray Cyrus’ kid grew up (not as fast as her teeth, though). Billy Ray Cyrus’ kid has the most talked about haircut in America. (she’s just bein’ Miley…)
16) Michael Phelps won 22 Olympic medals
17) Kentucky won a national championship in 2012 by beating Louisville in the Final 4
*Louisville won a steeplechase national championship
18) Michael Jackson was black.
19) Michael Jackson was white.
20) Michael Jackson said it doesn’t matter if you’re black or white
*Michael Jackson said it doesn’t matter if your black or white.
21) Two words: Jonah Hill
22) The Boston Red Sox broke the curse.
23) The Chicago Cubs broke the curse.
24) Nah, I’m just kidding.
25) Mike Marra got another tattoo
26) Lance Armstrong won the Tour De France multiple times.
27) Bobby Knight said Kentucky.
28) AOL Chatrooms –> AIM/Away Messages –> MySpace –> Facebook –> Twitter –> Moms on Facebook –> Instagram
* AOL Chatrooms –> AIM/Away Messages –> MySpace –> Facebook (once they allowed people to get it who weren’t in college) –> Twitter –> Became a Mom w/ Facebook –> A/S/L?
29) I fell in love with Charlie from the Mighty Ducks. I fell in love with Ted from “Hey Dude.” I fell in love with the shorter/chubbier Pete from “Pete and Pete” (I know, I’m weird…but it took dedication for him to try to dig out of his grounding on the 4th of July with nothing more than a Statue of Liberty figurine). I fell in love with Pacey Witter.
30) Coolio once rapped “I’m 23 now but will I live to see 24?”
31) Coolio is 43 now, but will he live to see 44?
32) The Batman series made about 3 too many movies.
33) The Berlin Wall came down.
34) Adele had at least 7 tragic break ups.
35) Tattoo…Mike Marra…you get the point
36) Saturday Night Live stopped being funny.
37) The Kardashians somehow became relevant.
38) I received 982 “Linked In” requests
39) I denied 982 “Linked In” requests
40) Taco Bell made a taco out of a Dorito. And
people Drew Franklin likes it.
41) The newspaper industry was diagnosed with a terminal illness.
42) Frank Haith smiled once.
(Clearly not in this picture)
43) Florida basketball won 2 national championships. Florida. Basketball.
44) Kim Kardashian could have had 131.8 marriages.
45) Al Gore invented the Internet.
46) Jorts were in style. Jorts went out of style. Jorts came back in style. Jorts got drafted in the NBA.
47) The TV show “Friends” started. The TV show “Friends” lasted a really long time. The TV show “Friends” ended. The TV show “Friends” could have re-aired all over again. Oh wait… (h/t TBS)
48) I think we saw Halley’s Comet.
49) Rick Pitino left Kentucky too early.
50) Rick Pitino left Karen Sypher too late.
51) John L. Smith and Bobby Petrino coached at Louisville. John L. Smith and Bobby Petrino coached at Arkansas.
52) Pete Thamel wasted a lot of time.