Yeah, I called them the UK Legends. What are you going to do about it? Huh? Thought so.
With Joe B. Hall unjustly pulled from the sidelines, there is a coaching vacancy for the home team in the biggest non-UK event to hit Rupp Arena since Disney On Ice. A decision will surely be made soon, but not before we offer up our suggestions to the hiring committee.
I put together a little list of some potential candidates and I’ll need your suggestions in the comments section. Together, we’ll make sure the right hire is made.
— Larry Brown – Brown has 1,275 wins as a head coach, no affiliation to UK, and he’s Coach Cal’s bestest buddy. He also has ties to a couple of players from when he coached Tayshaun in Detroit and Nazr in Charlotte. I can’t think of a better option.
— Red Auerbach – He died? Oh. That would’ve been pretty cool, though.
— The Heavy Hitter – This team could use a Kentucky celebrity as its coach, and who is a bigger name in Kentucky than the Heavy Hitter? And he’s not just a face for the sideline, the Heavy Hitter’s got game. He can pass a basketball to himself! Maybe he could teach that move to Wall and Rondo. Although, that has to be a traveling violation. If only there were a way to reach out to him, like a catchy 1-800 number or something.
— Billy Gillispie – Billy Gillispie would be the smart hire. That way, if our favorite UK players lose to the Dominicans, we can just blame it all on him and laugh about it in a few years. The only concern would be him benching Jodie Meeks and starting Mark Coury over DeMarcus Cousins.
— Mark Emmert – Mark Emmert should have the closest seat in the house for this game. I want him to look out at this UK spectacle and I want him to enjoy it. Let’s put his nose in it.
— Drake – Drake has coached before and I can’t stop watching his game film. You’re welcome.
— Enes Kanter – The NCAA doesn’t recognize Enes Kanter as a member of the 2010-2011 UK basketball team, so what’s to keep him from coaching the team? He’s just a former UK student – no different than you, no different than me, no different from UK Andrew. Someone send a plane to Turkey.
— Billy Donovan – I heard his wife was looking at horse farms in Nicholasville yesterday and his son enrolled at LCA.
— Doug Harrellson – Doug Harrellson wouldn’t coach the team. His beard would tactically command a highly trained American basketball strike force over an inferior band of Dominican opponents. The team’s uniforms would feature the latest Mossy Oak camo technology and players would be replenished with lukewarm Busch Light and Copenhagen long cut during timeouts.
— Joe B. Hall – Let’s just do it and see what happens.
— Raffle – Why not let our good friend random decide who coaches the team? A $10 ticket throws your name in the pot to be the head coach of the UK Legends. Proceeds would pay off the entire U.S. National Debt with a little left over to buy Canada and turn it into a 3,851,787 square mile amusement park, paintball course, and golf resort.