Dear Dr. Gee,
Some comments you made regarding the University of Kentucky and our SEC brethren were brought to our attention today in a report from the Associated Press. According to a recording obtained by the AP, you said the Big Ten will never consider adding Kentucky because the conference values academic integrity. “You tell the SEC when they can learn to read and write, then they can figure out what we’re doing,” you said. You did. You said that.
While I admire your commitment to academic achievement and understand the skepticism you have regarding the University of Kentucky’s academia, I encourage you to take any Big Ten invitation you may have, turn that sum-bitch sideways, and stick it straight up your bow tie-wearing ass. You got that, Gordo?
You see, down here in SEC country, we value things that you Big Tenners just can’t comprehend. We value excellence. We value seven consecutive BCS national championships. Seven. We value three of the last four Heisman trophy winners. We value paying for our tattoos, not bartering for ink with autographed jerseys and bowl rings. We value bowl eligibility. We value not tailgating in Iowa, Wisconsin and Nebraska. We value The Grove. We really, really, really value The Grove.
In the SEC, we value speed and athleticism on the football field. We value scoring more than 50 points in basketball. We value Senior Night, and not cutting down the nets when we lose. We value the Sweet 16, but strive to get past it. We value the first three rounds of the NFL draft, and the first pick in the NBA. We value SEC basketball games at Auburn. (We don’t really value basketball games at Auburn.)
We value the Tennessee Volunteers, the Georgia Bulldogs and Marshall Henderson’s drug problem. We value Alabama football, Kentucky basketball and Steve Spurrier being Steve Spurrier. We value the Vanderbilt Commodores, because they’re going pro in something other than sports. We value Arkansas and its volleyball program. We value motorcycles.
We value Diet Dr. Pepper. We value Golden Flake potato chips. We value Texas Pete hot sauce with a Sunkist chaser. We value Barry Booker, Dave Baker and pretending to know what the hell Jimmy Dykes is talking about. We value counting to 14 and knowing it’s more than 10. We value not calling ourselves Legends or Leaders. We value our youth. We don’t shower with them. We value Penn State Jokes.
We value the finest collection of women the world has ever seen. We value sundresses in the spring and summer. And in the fall. And in the winter. We value Purdue being full of dudes and Wisconsin being jealous. We value your corn, and make our bourbon with it.
We value being better than the Big 10. We value how much you value Christian Watford’s shot and the pass interference call in the 2003 Fiesta Bowl. We value Jadeveon Clowney and the remains of Vincent Smith he left behind. We value Nick Saban’s deal with the devil and John Calipari’s approach to the one-and-done. We value Urban Meyer, circa 2008. We value excellence. I said that? I’ll say it again. We value excellence.
My point is, Dr. Gee, you can keep your Big Ten and its academic integrity. Us illiterate folk are doing just fine down here in the south.
Big Blue Nation, on behalf of the SEC
Good luck with those damn Catholics.