I don’t know how many of you watched it, but last night ABC aired a 2 hour test of endurance that no man should have to endure. No, I am not talking about David Blaine’s crazy attempt to hold his breath under water for 9 minutes. I am talking about the incessant rambling of Stuart Scott’s play by play, which did not cease for the entirety of this most ridiculous stunt. First of all, in the era of high definition, there is no business using a man on television with an eye lazier than Alf. I can’t imagine how fun it would be to watch him read an eye chart in a Doctor’s office as he skipped from letter to office fixture in a vain attempt to focus on any one thing. And I know others have belabored this before, but his venacular does nothing to convince me he is from the hood. I believe, in the rank of street cred, he falls somewhere between Gilligan and Steadman (Oprah’s cocksmith). I would be willing to bet almost anything he owns the box set of Designing Women and thinks that Meshach Taylor’s role as Anthony Bouvier was “tha bomb kid, straight playa fo real.” But I did the unimagineable, I stayed tune the whole way through.
Now, as for my man David Blaine, he tried valiantly, for whatever reason, to cap a 7 day stay under water by holding his breath for nine minutes in hopes of breaking the previous record of 8 minutes 58 seconds. For whatever reason, he also decided to shackle himself in 8 places to add a degree of difficutly to the stunt. I thought this was just a wee bit superfulous as, come on, 9 minutes on its own is impressive enough. I can only guess that the reasoning behind this was that the stunt was coordinated by Scott Peterson (ooh, too far? nah). Why stop at the cuffs? Why not have him take a bong hit and see if he could hold it during the duraion of the attempt? At least the obligatory speech afterwards would be unforgettable either way. Well, long story short, after 2 hours on my part and countless months of preparation on his, Blainey failed. Mr. Scott rambled on that no one could be disappointed with David’s 7 minute plus effort given the circumstances. Wrong. I was most disappointed. I spend most days not breaking any records and now I just wasted 2 hours watching him do the same thing. Well, they did say he spent the most continuous time underwater giving him that title, Titanic victims excluded. Better luck next time David. Should you try again, I will most certainly tune in. And maybe I will beat my own personal best of 36 seconds.