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Fifty Shades of Suck

I thought I was done for the day; then I got the urge to write down the first 50 things that came to mind when thinking about Louisville. Here are 50 reasons why we laugh at you, Louisville fans.

Fifty Shades of Suck….

 

1. #L1C4

You’re really sticking with it, aren’t you?

2. You held a parade in Louisville after your team lost to Kentucky.

Most schools would hang their head in defeat after losing to their rival for the second time in one season, but not the University of Louisville.

No, the Cardinals held a parade in downtown Louisville to celebrate.

3. The Five Core Values of Louisville Football

I) Be honest
II) Treat women with respect
III) No drugs
IV) No stealing
V) No weapons

Did this really have to be said??

4. You act like your football team is the ’85 Bears.

Newsflash: Louisville went 7-6 last year and lost in something called a Belk Bowl.

5. C-A-R-D-S! CARDS! CARDS! CARDS!

It didn’t sound right the first time you did it and it doesn’t sound any better today.

C-A-T-S! CATS! CATS! CATS!

J-E-T-S! JETS! JETS! JETS!

It’s not that hard.

6. Clint Hurtt is still on the football staff.

Clint Hurtt has fed more kids than UNICEF, and I’m not saying he passes out soggy Hot Pockets and canned goods to the needy every Christmas Eve. Clint caught the NCAA’s eye because he bought steak and lobster dinners for some of Florida’s top high school talent to try to sway their college decisions.

And by steak and lobster, I really mean steak, lobster, watches, shoes and lapdances.

7. “Point blank, period.”

Think before you speak, Chane.

8. Line-beards

You continue to wear them, after all these years.

9. Providence 90, Louisville 59

Good job. Good effort.

10. Pink wifebeater guy.

I know it’s not fair to pin him on the entire fanbase, but someone has to be responsible for his wardrobe.

I wouldn’t even know where to buy a shirt like that.

11. “L Yeah!”

Stop.

12. Remember when Rick Pitino hired Marquis Teague’s AAU coach?

It’s a shame that didn’t work out. I thought he had a really bright future on Louisville’s staff.

13. You can’t apply your own body paint.

“Stop. It tickles.”

14. 1986

That’s the last time you won an NCAA basketball championship.

15. 1990

That’s the last time anyone cared about it.

16. Tramp stamps aren’t just for women.

17. You take your pants off at tailgates…

… to reveal silk boxers.

With no girls around.

18. “Got Pitino?” t-shirts.

No, we don’t “got” Pitino. You have him and we hope you keep him for a long, long time.

19. You made a “Lexington Is For The Birds” billboard.

See No. 27…

20. “We’d rather have four years with Peyton Siva than one year with John Wall.” – Louisville message boards

How’s that working out for ya?

21. Your mascot has teeth.

And you still haven’t told anyone why.

22. Your home base is Fourth Street Live.

You know who else calls Fourth Street Live home?

Herpes, gonorrhea, chlamydia, syphilis, and T.G.I. Friday’s.

23. You paint a beak on your face for big games.

If you’re going to do it, go all out. Take a bite of fried chicken, chew it up and then spit it into his mouth.

24. You call your football stadium “The John.”

Oh, you don’t?

Well I just did.

25. You park like an asshole.

There is a special place in hell for this guy.

26. You want to do a #KentuckyHateDay but you’re not capable of pulling it off.

Try starting with a #KentuckyHateHour and see what kind of turnout you get. Grow from there.

27. You put the billboard in Frankfort.

And it wasn’t even on the right side of the road for incoming Lexington traffic to see.

That’s money you could’ve put towards extending the lease on your “We Won The 2007 Orange Bowl” billboard in Nobodygivesashitville.

28. You throw up your L’s.

I need a breather. I’ll let Wikipedia take this one…

[The loser is a hand gesture made by extending the thumb and index fingers, leaving the other fingers closed to create the letter L, interpreted as “loser.”]

Thanks, Wikipedia. Solid work.

29. You’re claiming four basketball championships now.

Even with the two fake ones, you’re only halfway there.

30. Your defense gave up a 57-yard touchdown with 28 seconds left to lose a rivalry game.

That rarely even happens on Madden.

Defend the deep ball much?

31. You ride crotch rockets together…

…in matching t-shirts.

32. You say our coach is a cheater.

That’s like the pot banging a kettle in a restaurant while the frying pan watches from the next booth over.

33. Only the Louisville athletic department and East L.A. tattoo parlors still use Old English lettering.

Coincidentally, both have similar rap sheets.

34. You thought Brian Brohm was the second coming of Jesus Christ with a football in his hand.

You, and no one else.

Churchill Downs is suing his NFL career for the trademark rights to “The Fastest Two Minutes In Sports.”

35. Because.

Just because.

36. You wear KFC 10-piece chicken buckets on your head.

The only time you’ll catch me sticking my head inside an arena’s sponsor is when they open the doors to Kate Upton Arena or The Brooklyn Decker Center.

37.  #L1C4

I used it already?

Well let this be another reminder of how dumb it is.

38. You tailgate with strippers poles.

That 42-year-old woman who’s all strung out on Xanny bars and dancing on your homemade stripper pole is someone’s mother.

She’s someone’s grandmother, too.

39. You raided DisneyLand’s wardrobe.

And wore your tall tee over it.

40. You won’t admit that you’d be a bottom tier football program in the SEC

Charlie Strong said it last month: “I don’t want that schedule.”

Keep beating up on the Big East.

But look out for Florida Atlantic.

41. UofL football sells tickets on Groupon.

That was an exciting 16-14 game. I can’t believe I missed it.

42. You brag about winning a national championship in steeplechase.

I can’t find it anywhere online. Google didn’t even know it happened.

43. You know what steeplechase is.

I can’t find it anywhere online. Google recommended steering wheel covers.

44. You smother your babies with prizes from the Kentucky State Fair.

Yes, there is an infant under there.

45. You’re going to write me and say, “We’ll see you, Sunday.”

Well I’m writing you right now.

46Louisville basketball sends more young men overseas than the U.S. Army.

Play for Rick Pitino at Louisville and your draft stock will plummet faster than you can get a passport.

47.  This guy. 

He has all the elements. He’s like your Captain Planet.

“Flatbill! Tattoos! Line-beard! L’s up! Mirror pic!

All these powers combined…”

48. “Anthony Davis should be worried about Gorgui Dieng.” ~ Chris Smith, prior to the Final Four game

#AnthonyDavisSaidShutUp

49. You go out in public looking like this…

If you’re old enough to get in the bar, you’re at least 15 years too old to be shaving a Cardinal in the back of your head. 

50. No matter what you do, you’ll always be our wittle brother.

It’s our job to pick on you. That’s what big brothers do.

 

Happy Hate Day, kiddo.

Article written by Drew Franklin

I can recite every line from Forrest Gump, blindfolded. Follow me on Twitter: @DrewFranklinKSR

52 Comments for Fifty Shades of Suck



  1. Bigblue
    8:36 pm August 30, 2012 Permalink

    This pretty much sums it up!!



  2. bmt22033
    8:38 pm August 30, 2012 Permalink

    This may be the best #LouisvilleHateDay yet!



  3. Just me
    8:40 pm August 30, 2012 Permalink

    Is it just me of does the guys head on 49 say Go Card?? Not only do you have your head painted like a kid at a local carnival, the carnie doesn’t realize Card is short for carnival & not a guys name (Carl) who can see the back of your head. Good job Ben Dover!!!



  4. Just me
    8:41 pm August 30, 2012 Permalink

    Stupid spell correct.

    Short for Cardinals*



  5. ted harper
    8:43 pm August 30, 2012 Permalink

    Blahhhhhh u of l fan here. You uk fans can take your hate day and shove it up your ass holes. After my cards beat your cats down 45-6 then all you babies will be cryin to your mommys. Enough with the line beard jokes. I got more action when I had my line beard than any of you fools combined. Im countin my clock jus waitin for dis game to start. Its gonna be epic. Go cards baby!! L1C4!!



  6. theSkinny81
    8:44 pm August 30, 2012 Permalink

    fantastic! 36 is complete win…



  7. DavisBrow
    8:46 pm August 30, 2012 Permalink

    And Drew nails the last second shot! Good God that was brilliant!!!



  8. Manbearpig
    8:48 pm August 30, 2012 Permalink

    I want to go to Kate Upton Arena!



  9. CreoleCat
    8:51 pm August 30, 2012 Permalink

    Post of the day. Point.Blank.Period



  10. kes
    8:52 pm August 30, 2012 Permalink

    GREAT! I LOVE IT!EXCELLENT JOB DREW. but we are still going to get killed



  11. Ted Harper
    8:53 pm August 30, 2012 Permalink

    I couldn’t get laid in a womens prison with a handful of pardon papers.



  12. floydsScissors
    8:56 pm August 30, 2012 Permalink

    No. 5 – Can this guy be #51?



  13. UKGirl17
    8:58 pm August 30, 2012 Permalink

    This is the best post that drew has EVER done! EVER



  14. Ukfan
    9:02 pm August 30, 2012 Permalink

    Drew deserves a raise after today’s performance. Point, blank, period.



  15. ak400_99
    9:07 pm August 30, 2012 Permalink

    Drew i always thought you were hilarious. i love when you are on the radio show, but you have out done yourself today! all of your posts were hilarious, but my stomach hurts after 50 shades of suck.. that was absolutely hilarious!! great louisville hate day to all and if i ever see you out drew i’m buying you a beer. stop going to the tin roof though you’re to old. Cats by 3 sunday!



  16. CatFanInKC
    9:08 pm August 30, 2012 Permalink

    How in the hell are you going to top yourself next year, Mr. Franklin? Bravo, good sir. Bravo.



  17. Justin
    9:09 pm August 30, 2012 Permalink

    Being a cardinal fan myself….

    I found this very very funny. Good article!



  18. Justin
    9:09 pm August 30, 2012 Permalink

    P.S.

    L1C4 is stupid



  19. OwensboroCatFan
    9:11 pm August 30, 2012 Permalink

    Wouldn’t this be a great idea to do weekly with Indiana “stupid hoosiers”. Let’s start tomorrow!



  20. CatWalk
    9:16 pm August 30, 2012 Permalink

    LOL, this was the best post that i have read on this site in a long time. when i reached #50 i found myself disappointed that it wasnt continuing on to #100! Oh and #5, i know i saw you at the state fair. Out of all the flat bills and line beards I saw there I know you were one of them and you fit in with everyone there so well. Everytime I see a picture posted of a UofL fan i get on my hands and knees and thank the Lord that I am not one of you. What are UofL fans thinking?!



  21. Reason31
    9:18 pm August 30, 2012 Permalink

    Nut to butt… lol



  22. wolfcreekbrian
    9:25 pm August 30, 2012 Permalink

    Drew, thats some funny stuff right there!



  23. DrewFKilledIT
    9:25 pm August 30, 2012 Permalink


  24. Buckets
    9:27 pm August 30, 2012 Permalink

    Well done, Drew. Great stuff all day. Best #louisvillehateday yet. U of L fans are the biggest clowns on the planet. Their football program is mediocre and they think its great. I guess they have to have something to cling to because they know their basketball program will never be in the same ballpark as Kentucky’s. At least they realize they are losers, hence throwin’ up da L, dog.



  25. Roggensak
    9:31 pm August 30, 2012 Permalink

    Tip of the cap to Drew. WOW! That was spot on! I laughed at everyone of the 50! You outdid yourself good sir! You remind me of my friend who is always spot on funny.



  26. jacocat
    9:47 pm August 30, 2012 Permalink

    i vote #36 for the hall of fame.



  27. Drew for President!
    9:50 pm August 30, 2012 Permalink

    Doesn’t L1C4 require an “L” at the end of it? If it does stand for Louisville 1st Cards 4 LIFE. Where’s the L? Idiots.



  28. bigblueyoda
    9:52 pm August 30, 2012 Permalink

    So funny but one correction those are peckers on their faces!!!



  29. Wampuscat43
    9:55 pm August 30, 2012 Permalink

    Outstanding. That’s a wrap.



  30. iucansuckabigblue....
    9:56 pm August 30, 2012 Permalink

    I’m all hopped up on Monster energy drinks and burnt rubber smoke. Not a dirty bird logo left without burnout marks all over it. Been waiting for sundown. Were going to get the field next.

    Hate day and burnouts on Central.. Classic

    Go Big Blue!!!



  31. UK ALUMNI
    10:06 pm August 30, 2012 Permalink

    I feel like you should have to graduate from the school before you are able talk about how a school feels about little brother.



  32. Brad
    10:20 pm August 30, 2012 Permalink

    That was beautiful, thank you.



  33. Al's IndiCats
    10:27 pm August 30, 2012 Permalink

    That’s pretty damn funny #5, odds are you couldn’t get laid in a women’s old folks prison with a hand full of Hundred dollar bills.



  34. BPsycho
    10:28 pm August 30, 2012 Permalink

    Google didn’t even know it happened!

    Lol

    #23 Yup. He’s just about reached a level where he can do that every post IMO.



  35. Al's IndiCats
    10:29 pm August 30, 2012 Permalink

    Sorry 11, I didn’t see your post, but great minds think alike



  36. Card Killer
    10:32 pm August 30, 2012 Permalink

    Classic. All time great Louisville hate post



  37. BPsycho
    10:34 pm August 30, 2012 Permalink

    #33 Lol he’s countin his clock just waitin.

    He got more herpes when he had his line beard than any of you fools combined!



  38. Sypher's aborted fetus
    10:49 pm August 30, 2012 Permalink

    #37 I think he said jill gave him herpes…and jill probably got them from Sypher (she did say 15 seconds with Sypher is heaven) HAHA



  39. Neil
    10:51 pm August 30, 2012 Permalink

    You all forgot one of the best….They stole their lame slogan “the ville” from Syracuse. Syracuse started calling themselves “the cuse back in the mid 90’s. Louisville just totally stole it ….copycats.

    and they actually put “the ville” on the front of their football jerseys….how dorky was that?



  40. T Glover
    11:06 pm August 30, 2012 Permalink

    GO CARDS!!!!! ANYTHING BUT A WHINEY ASS WILDCAT!! This is a great example of the academic excellence at kitty college… Lol… Elementary shit!



  41. Sypher's aborted fetus
    11:22 pm August 30, 2012 Permalink

    Thank God for Tardinal fans…the gift that keeps on giving. They make it way too easy!!



  42. Sam
    1:18 am August 31, 2012 Permalink

    I am a big UK fan. Listen to yourselves. No wander people think UK fans are awful. I am embarrassed.



  43. sam
    3:13 am August 31, 2012 Permalink

    I am also a big cardinal troll. No *wonder people think UL fans are awful. Parents of Cards fans should be embarassed.



  44. alan
    6:22 am August 31, 2012 Permalink

    Excellent read, Drew. You had me crying with the pictures and captions. I have to say I’m so fortunately not to live around any of those characters, even though some of my friends are Louisville fans. I didn’t realize that the L-fans are so sensitive. Drew, you have to do this every year just like you do with the now classic video of the Alabama fan who hates Tennessee.



  45. 6xJimmy
    7:50 am August 31, 2012 Permalink

    Great job Drew!



  46. king cat
    8:06 am August 31, 2012 Permalink

    39-actually the ville started in 1980 when pancho wright said the ville is goin to the nap. championship game was in indianapolis that year.



  47. TrishM
    8:25 am August 31, 2012 Permalink

    Drew, I would like to add one more to your list which I swear is true, for the final game in New Orleans the Angry Birds went out bought Kansas shirts to where to the game, I wonder what they did with those shirts.



  48. cb foo
    8:33 am August 31, 2012 Permalink

    Holy Shit. #44 about smothering the babies with giant BBall had me rolling. That kid looked miserable.



  49. Big Blue Coming at You
    9:32 am August 31, 2012 Permalink

    Drew, i said you better bring it and you did. It was a magical #LouisvilleHateDay. Well done sir!



  50. TardSoHard
    9:57 am August 31, 2012 Permalink

    What’s the difference between trash and Louisville girls?

    Trash gets picked up.



  51. Women Everywhere
    12:46 pm August 31, 2012 Permalink

    No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no….hell I’ve lost track of all the guys “I’d never” from these pics



  52. Owen
    6:38 pm August 31, 2012 Permalink

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZR-H-FQDenw
    In response to #30. 80 yards. THAT rarely happens on Madden.