I thought I was done for the day; then I got the urge to write down the first 50 things that came to mind when thinking about Louisville. Here are 50 reasons why we laugh at you, Louisville fans.
Fifty Shades of Suck….
You’re really sticking with it, aren’t you?
2. You held a parade in Louisville after your team lost to Kentucky.
Most schools would hang their head in defeat after losing to their rival for the second time in one season, but not the University of Louisville.
No, the Cardinals held a parade in downtown Louisville to celebrate.
3. The Five Core Values of Louisville Football
I) Be honest
II) Treat women with respect
III) No drugs
IV) No stealing
V) No weapons
Did this really have to be said??
4. You act like your football team is the ’85 Bears.
Newsflash: Louisville went 7-6 last year and lost in something called a Belk Bowl.
5. C-A-R-D-S! CARDS! CARDS! CARDS!
It didn’t sound right the first time you did it and it doesn’t sound any better today.
C-A-T-S! CATS! CATS! CATS!
J-E-T-S! JETS! JETS! JETS!
It’s not that hard.
6. Clint Hurtt is still on the football staff.
Clint Hurtt has fed more kids than UNICEF, and I’m not saying he passes out soggy Hot Pockets and canned goods to the needy every Christmas Eve. Clint caught the NCAA’s eye because he bought steak and lobster dinners for some of Florida’s top high school talent to try to sway their college decisions.
And by steak and lobster, I really mean steak, lobster, watches, shoes and lapdances.
7. “Point blank, period.”
Think before you speak, Chane.
You continue to wear them, after all these years.
9. Providence 90, Louisville 59
Good job. Good effort.
10. Pink wifebeater guy.
I know it’s not fair to pin him on the entire fanbase, but someone has to be responsible for his wardrobe.
I wouldn’t even know where to buy a shirt like that.
11. “L Yeah!”
12. Remember when Rick Pitino hired Marquis Teague’s AAU coach?
It’s a shame that didn’t work out. I thought he had a really bright future on Louisville’s staff.
13. You can’t apply your own body paint.
“Stop. It tickles.”
That’s the last time you won an NCAA basketball championship.
That’s the last time anyone cared about it.
16. Tramp stamps aren’t just for women.
17. You take your pants off at tailgates…
… to reveal silk boxers.
With no girls around.
18. “Got Pitino?” t-shirts.
No, we don’t “got” Pitino. You have him and we hope you keep him for a long, long time.
19. You made a “Lexington Is For The Birds” billboard.
See No. 27…
20. “We’d rather have four years with Peyton Siva than one year with John Wall.” – Louisville message boards
How’s that working out for ya?
21. Your mascot has teeth.
And you still haven’t told anyone why.
22. Your home base is Fourth Street Live.
You know who else calls Fourth Street Live home?
Herpes, gonorrhea, chlamydia, syphilis, and T.G.I. Friday’s.
23. You paint a beak on your face for big games.
If you’re going to do it, go all out. Take a bite of fried chicken, chew it up and then spit it into his mouth.
24. You call your football stadium “The John.”
Oh, you don’t?
Well I just did.
25. You park like an asshole.
There is a special place in hell for this guy.
26. You want to do a #KentuckyHateDay but you’re not capable of pulling it off.
Try starting with a #KentuckyHateHour and see what kind of turnout you get. Grow from there.
27. You put the billboard in Frankfort.
And it wasn’t even on the right side of the road for incoming Lexington traffic to see.
That’s money you could’ve put towards extending the lease on your “We Won The 2007 Orange Bowl” billboard in Nobodygivesashitville.
28. You throw up your L’s.
I need a breather. I’ll let Wikipedia take this one…
[The loser is a hand gesture made by extending the thumb and index fingers, leaving the other fingers closed to create the letter L, interpreted as “loser.”]
Thanks, Wikipedia. Solid work.
29. You’re claiming four basketball championships now.
Even with the two fake ones, you’re only halfway there.
30. Your defense gave up a 57-yard touchdown with 28 seconds left to lose a rivalry game.
That rarely even happens on Madden.
Defend the deep ball much?
31. You ride crotch rockets together…
…in matching t-shirts.
32. You say our coach is a cheater.
That’s like the pot banging a kettle in a restaurant while the frying pan watches from the next booth over.
33. Only the Louisville athletic department and East L.A. tattoo parlors still use Old English lettering.
Coincidentally, both have similar rap sheets.
34. You thought Brian Brohm was the second coming of Jesus Christ with a football in his hand.
You, and no one else.
Churchill Downs is suing his NFL career for the trademark rights to “The Fastest Two Minutes In Sports.”
36. You wear KFC 10-piece chicken buckets on your head.
The only time you’ll catch me sticking my head inside an arena’s sponsor is when they open the doors to Kate Upton Arena or The Brooklyn Decker Center.
I used it already?
Well let this be another reminder of how dumb it is.
38. You tailgate with strippers poles.
That 42-year-old woman who’s all strung out on Xanny bars and dancing on your homemade stripper pole is someone’s mother.
She’s someone’s grandmother, too.
39. You raided DisneyLand’s wardrobe.
And wore your tall tee over it.
40. You won’t admit that you’d be a bottom tier football program in the SEC
Charlie Strong said it last month: “I don’t want that schedule.”
Keep beating up on the Big East.
But look out for Florida Atlantic.
41. UofL football sells tickets on Groupon.
That was an exciting 16-14 game. I can’t believe I missed it.
42. You brag about winning a national championship in steeplechase.
I can’t find it anywhere online. Google didn’t even know it happened.
43. You know what steeplechase is.
I can’t find it anywhere online. Google recommended steering wheel covers.
44. You smother your babies with prizes from the Kentucky State Fair.
Yes, there is an infant under there.
45. You’re going to write me and say, “We’ll see you, Sunday.”
Well I’m writing you right now.
46. Louisville basketball sends more young men overseas than the U.S. Army.
Play for Rick Pitino at Louisville and your draft stock will plummet faster than you can get a passport.
47. This guy.
He has all the elements. He’s like your Captain Planet.
“Flatbill! Tattoos! Line-beard! L’s up! Mirror pic!
All these powers combined…”
48. “Anthony Davis should be worried about Gorgui Dieng.” ~ Chris Smith, prior to the Final Four game
49. You go out in public looking like this…
If you’re old enough to get in the bar, you’re at least 15 years too old to be shaving a Cardinal in the back of your head.
50. No matter what you do, you’ll always be our wittle brother.
It’s our job to pick on you. That’s what big brothers do.
Happy Hate Day, kiddo.