Villanova: My dad owns a boat.
Kansas: My dad owns a truck.
North Carolina: My dad owns part of a Bojangles franchise.
Gonzaga: I love the regular season. The tournament, not so much.
Kentucky: I stand to win a steak from somebody, one way or another.
Arizona: My yard includes more than four varieties of cactus.
Duke: I think Grayson Allen is fine.
Louisville: I only have eight minutes left to get my free soft cooler with three lap dances.
Oregon: I have a one-hitter in my pocket right now.
Florida State: I found a snake in my pool this morning.
UCLA: I played a cop in at least three student films.
Baylor: I have never traveled outside of a 400 mile radius of Waco, nor do I wish to.
Butler: I used my parents’ credit card to buy Alabama Shakes tickets.
Florida: I have a tan-line on my eyes.
West Virginia: There is an adult superstore within five miles of my home.
Purdue: It was a real adjustment moving to the big city of West Lafayette.
Virginia: I spent some time last night removing a Fireball stain from my Sperrys with a toothbrush.
Minnesota: I only own one pair of swim trunks and I don’t know where they are.
South Carolina: My perfect date is a hibachi restaurant and two tickets to Dixie Stampede.
Notre Dame: I didn’t really go to Notre Dame but have spent $7,000 on merchandise.
Iowa State: I wear boots with a suit to funerals.
SMU: Which soccer team my son plays on is way too important to me.
Cincinnati: I smoke at the zoo.
Maryland: Last week I accidentally left my Uggs at a Planet Fitness.
Creighton: I get all the perks of being Catholic without any of the job connections in Chicago or Boston.
Michigan: I once killed a bird with a snowball.
Dayton: I’ll go to Ruby Tuesdays, but only if we go to the nice one.
Wisconsin: I don’t care which Ruby Tuesdays we go to.
Miami: Last night I tried to fight a bathroom attendant.
Arkansas: I will pay top dollar for scaled Luke Bryan tickets.
Northwestern: I’m easily the third-or-fourth-best guy on my improv comedy team.
Vanderbilt: Someday I hope to make out with a robot.
Saint Mary’s: I’m religious but, you know, “California religious.”
Seton Hall: My friends from high school sell steroids to my current friends.
Michigan State: I have a foot tattoo and spend several weekends each summer on a houseboat.
Virginia Tech: I still have a scar from a hazing incident.
Oklahoma State: My tractor racing record is 16-4.
Wichita State: I unironically own a pair of overalls.
Marquette: I consider myself to be among the coolest people in Milwaukee.
VCU: These are my “going out” chukka boots. There’s a difference.
Xavier: Stop asking me if I’ve met Bill Murray.
Providence: I would like to give you a kiss. Please sign here…and here…and initial here.
Wake Forest: I’m 36 years old and still have my fraternity paddle hanging on the wall. In the living room.
Rhode Island: I can give you turn-by-turn directions to at least eight Dunkin’ Donuts right now.
Southern Cal: Five of my last six meals have been fish tacos.
Kansas State: I’m going to get drunk at the mall food court if you want to come with.
Nevada: You want meth? I can probably get you meth.
Middle Tennessee: The back of my truck has an anti-Hillary Clinton slogan spelled out in mailbox letter decals.
UNC Wilmington: Let’s get high and do skateboard tricks.
Princeton: I wear a sweater and button-down to bars.
Bucknell: I have a dog in my purse right now and am on my way to a “Moms’ Yoga” class.
East Tennessee State: I have missed classes or work to hunt.
Vermont: I know the difference between good sorghum and bad sorghum.
Winthrop: I starred in my high school’s production of Grease and my hometown loved it.
New Mexico State: Take off your cowboy hat and get into this hug circle, buddy.
Florida Gulf Coast: My other job is selling pirate-themed beach towels outside the Harris Teeter.
Kent State: I’ve been soaking these gummi bears in vodka for nine hours.
Iona: I have changed my “look” to impress a barista.
Northern Kentucky: My favorite restaurant is Chipotle.
Troy: Would you like to buy some boiled peanuts or fireworks?
Texas Southern: I drive a motorcycle and listen to Flo Rida.
South Dakota State: My favorite movie is Val Kilmer’s “Thunderheart.”
Jacksonville State: I use the phrase “Dirty South” colloquially at least once a day.
North Dakota: You are literally the first human being I’ve seen all day.
By C.M. Tomlin on ©March 17th, 2017 @ 1:30pm
Villanova: My dad owns a boat.