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What Your NCAA Tournament Team Says About You


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Villanova: My dad owns a boat.
Kansas: My dad owns a truck.
North Carolina: My dad owns part of a Bojangles franchise.
Gonzaga: I love the regular season. The tournament, not so much.
Kentucky: I stand to win a steak from somebody, one way or another.
Arizona: My yard includes more than four varieties of cactus.
Duke: I think Grayson Allen is fine.
Louisville: I only have eight minutes left to get my free soft cooler with three lap dances.
Oregon: I have a one-hitter in my pocket right now.
Florida State: I found a snake in my pool this morning.
UCLA: I played a cop in at least three student films.
Baylor: I have never traveled outside of a 400 mile radius of Waco, nor do I wish to.
Butler: I used my parents’ credit card to buy Alabama Shakes tickets.
Florida: I have a tan-line on my eyes.
West Virginia: There is an adult superstore within five miles of my home.
Purdue: It was a real adjustment moving to the big city of West Lafayette.
Virginia: I spent some time last night removing a Fireball stain from my Sperrys with a  toothbrush.
Minnesota: I only own one pair of swim trunks and I don’t know where they are.
South Carolina: My perfect date is a hibachi restaurant and two tickets to Dixie Stampede.
Notre Dame: I didn’t really go to Notre Dame but have spent $7,000 on merchandise.
Iowa State: I wear boots with a suit to funerals.
SMU: Which soccer team my son plays on is way too important to me.
Cincinnati: I smoke at the zoo.
Maryland: Last week I accidentally left my Uggs at a Planet Fitness.
Creighton: I get all the perks of being Catholic without any of the job connections in Chicago or Boston.
Michigan: I once killed a bird with a snowball.
Dayton: I’ll go to Ruby Tuesdays, but only if we go to the nice one.
Wisconsin: I don’t care which Ruby Tuesdays we go to.
Miami: Last night I tried to fight a bathroom attendant.
Arkansas: I will pay top dollar for scaled Luke Bryan tickets.
Northwestern: I’m easily the third-or-fourth-best guy on my improv comedy team.
Vanderbilt: Someday I hope to make out with a robot.
Saint Mary’s: I’m religious but, you know, “California religious.”
Seton Hall: My friends from high school sell steroids to my current friends.
Michigan State: I have a foot tattoo and spend several weekends each summer on a houseboat.
Virginia Tech: I still have a scar from a hazing incident.
Oklahoma State: My tractor racing record is 16-4.
Wichita State: I unironically own a pair of overalls.
Marquette: I consider myself to be among the coolest people in Milwaukee.
VCU: These are my “going out” chukka boots. There’s a difference.
Xavier: Stop asking me if I’ve met Bill Murray.
Providence: I would like to give you a kiss. Please sign here…and here…and initial here.
Wake Forest: I’m 36 years old and still have my fraternity paddle hanging on the wall. In the living room.
Rhode Island: I can give you turn-by-turn directions to at least eight Dunkin’ Donuts right now.
Southern Cal: Five of my last six meals have been fish tacos.
Kansas State: I’m going to get drunk at the mall food court if you want to come with.
Nevada: You want meth? I can probably get you meth.
Middle Tennessee: The back of my truck has an anti-Hillary Clinton slogan spelled out in mailbox letter decals.
UNC Wilmington: Let’s get high and do skateboard tricks.
Princeton: I wear a sweater and button-down to bars.
Bucknell: I have a dog in my purse right now and am on my way to a “Moms’ Yoga” class.
East Tennessee State: I have missed classes or work to hunt.
Vermont: I know the difference between good sorghum and bad sorghum.
Winthrop: I starred in my high school’s production of Grease and my hometown loved it.
New Mexico State: Take off your cowboy hat and get into this hug circle, buddy.
Florida Gulf Coast: My other job is selling pirate-themed beach towels outside the Harris Teeter.
Kent State: I’ve been soaking these gummi bears in vodka for nine hours.
Iona: I have changed my “look” to impress a barista.
Northern Kentucky: My favorite restaurant is Chipotle.
Troy: Would you like to buy some boiled peanuts or fireworks?
Texas Southern: I drive a motorcycle and listen to Flo Rida.
South Dakota State: My favorite movie is Val Kilmer’s “Thunderheart.”
Jacksonville State: I use the phrase “Dirty South” colloquially at least once a day.
North Dakota: You are literally the first human being I’ve seen all day.

Article written by C.M. Tomlin

All I want is a HI-C and a turkey sandwich. @CM_Tomlin

9 responses to “What Your NCAA Tournament Team Says About You”

  1. Ridge Runner

    Awesome! Too many favorites to single out one. Hahaa

  2. Souf beach Lou

    The “one hitter” reference is really dated. They’re vaping shatter now

  3. ukjaybrat

    Michigan: I once killed a bird with a snowball.
    … In september

  4. Sentient Third Eye

    What’s wrong with wearing boots to a funeral?

  5. Caleb Epley

    UCLA and Purdue are golden.

  6. anrbob

    I smoke at the zoo….that is UC dead on!

  7. CATandMONKEY

    Brilliant.

  8. nillapuddin

    Gotta say, I live in Fort Myers, FL (FGCU)

    We don’t have Harris Teeter here, never even heard of it

    1. kylesnotmacysmom

      I read that and thought Harris Teeter = UNC or Duke. FGCU = Publix. I have shopped both Publix hands down!