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The World’s Worst Holiday Gift Guide

There is a gift guide for everything.  There are gift guides for men, besties, pets, even gifts for people who “have everything.”  (That last guide would more honestly read as “A gift guide for people who don’t mind being pretentious.”) It is officially the season for being inundated with options for gifts for those we love.   In an effort to weed out the gifts that should remain ungifted from the respectable presents, we have assembled the world’s worst gift guide to help with your holiday shopping.

Shopping fatigue is real.  There comes a time when you have exhausted all your shopping tricks and there isn’t a satisfying option on the World Wide Web.  Here are some options for when you just give up.

 Twerking Santa Claus: The picture doesn’t do Santa justice.  His belly isn’t the only thing that shakes like a bowl full of jelly.

Kitchen Sponge Bed:  Nothing says “I love and appreciate you” like a gift that makes a time consuming chore less practical!

Ombre Puzzle: Gwyneth Paltrow is the artful curator of her website GOOP.  The lifestyle blog is notorious for whimsical (read expensive) tips for how to live like a celebrity.  This nearly impossible puzzle is just one of GOOP’s many ways to add a little celebrity style to your everyday drab life.

The Power Nap Head Pillow: The perfect gift for people who like to nap while looking uncomfortable.

Now listen. You and I both know that not every gift exchange is a “Gift of the Magi”-type situation.  There may be some instances when you are giving to those who are difficult to love.  Here are some passive aggressive presents that will say, “Hey! I thought of you and here’s the best I could do!”

The Butt Station Desk Accessory:  I just can’t imagine a desk that would be improved by this accessory.

Pop Up Hot Dog Toaster: Not only is storing a hot dog toaster impractical, I’m concerned that the mechanics aren’t safe.  Even common sense doesn’t suggest that hot dogs and buns have the same cook times. Very problematic.

4D Gummi Bear Skeleton: This might be the worst present ever.

  1. There are 41 pieces! There is the maximum potential for losing pieces.
  2. It’s frightening
  3. Gummi Bears aren’t real.  What advantage could be gained from studying their mythical bones?
  4. The thought of gummi bears having bones has ruined their sugary goodness for me forever.

Cat Butt Purse: I’m offended by the butt sewn into the purse.  I’m offended by the decorative balls added to the bag.

I’m not sure when we reached it, but at one point the market became over saturated with highly specific products aimed at a very specific audience.  I blame Shark Tank.  Regardless of its origins, there are some gifts that are so specific that they could only be a gift to one recipient.

Jonathan Adler Soul Cycle Candle: Finally a gift for someone that wishes for their home to smell like sweat, rubber and people falling off of stationary bikes.

Kurt Cobain Pop! Doll: It feels wrong to have Kurt look so cute.  I’m just going to imagine this as a Billy Ray Cyrus doll instead.

Cat Hand Puppet: Nope.  Nope. Nope. This cat is giving me some creepy murdery vibes.

Hidden Valley Ranch Keg: If liking ranch makes you cool, then owning a vat of ranch makes you the coolest. Right?

All kidding aside, I would gladly accept any of these terrible presents.  I would be delighted to re-gift them later.

Article written by Megan Suttles

I can't decide if I want to use this space to be witty or insightful. I guess it will be neither.