Not since Twin Peaks has there ever been a television show to garner as much fan speculation as Game of Thrones. Given the mysterious, puzzle box nature of the book series it’s based on, how could it not? For years, viewers have been re-watching and theorizing to help answer some of the biggest questions in the series. Who is Jon Snow’s mother? Where do the White Walkers come from? What happened to Benjen Stark? Heading into the final season, all of those questions have been answered. Speculation has been one of the most enjoyable things about watching Game of Thrones. With the end beginning this Sunday, one final question hangs over our heads; just how does this massive, convoluted thing end? As a longtime fan of the series (I read the books years before the show came out, you unwashed troglodytes), I’m gonna take a crack at answering that. Be warned, I’m 90% sure one of these is correct.
The White Walkers Are Defeated, A lot of People Die
Fully completing his transformation into a character written by J.R.R. Tolkien, Jon Snow leads the armies of men into a final battle against the Night King and his icy horde. The budget is massive. The predictable characters (Jaime, Davos, Tormund, Theon, any CGI Animal Friend, Brienne, Jorah, Either Stark Sister, etc.) fall. It climaxes with Jon dueling and defeating the Night King (probably in front of the Iron Throne), but being mortally wounded in the process. He dies in Daenery’s arms. This is followed by a time jump that shows what happens to the survivors. The series ends with Daenerys triumphantly riding a dragon or Tyrion introspectively drinking a glass of wine and spitting out one last one liner.
Cersei Wins and Does Democracy (And More Incest)
After Jon, Daenerys, and everyone else defeat the White Walkers, Cersei and Euron come in from behind with their army of mercenaries and pirates and wipe out whatever is left of the good guys. She then systematically murders almost every remaining character in the series by firing Tyrion at them with a ballista. Jaime is made her personal her personal love slave. Cersei then callously abandons the throne after securing a life of security and luxury for herself, her love slave/brother, and their unborn child. Seizing the power vacuum, the surviving peasants revolt and set up a very basic form of democracy. Euron starts a Crüe cover band.
Everyone Is a Faceless Man
After a fairly conventional finale, one more shocking twist is thrown into the mix to darken a seemingly happy ending. Arya Stark hasn’t been Arya Stark in a long time, SHOCKER, she’s dead! As Arya’s face is peeled off like a latex mask, it’s revealed that The Waif (creepy girl that tried to kill Arya in season 6 ) has been taking her place ever since, for… reasons? Only it doesn’t stop here, more faces begin peeling off. It is quickly revealed that the entire cast has been killed and replaced with Faceless Men. Valar Morghulis, all men must die, this is so edgy and cool. Wildfire explosion. Somewhere far away, David Benioff and Dan Weiss pat each other on the back and go on to make the shittiest Star Wars movies ever.
The One True King Returns
In a shocking turn of events, neither Jon nor Daenerys kill the Night King. Brienne stands triumphantly over his frozen corpse. The surviving characters are just as shocked as the viewers. One (probably Bronn or Tyrion) makes a dry remark. “Well, that’s one less to worry about”. Brienne stoically replies, “No. One fewer”. It’s at this point that Brienne’s face is peeled off (last time this happens, promise) like a monster mask in Scooby Doo, and Stannis Baratheon makes his return. The one true king has been posing as Brienne since she supposedly killed him in the season 5 finale. He has one last offer for the people of Westeros; bend the knee or be destroyed. And by God, do they bend.
Jon Snow Becomes a Lumberjack
After an incredibly sub-par final season, everything is lined up for a pretty standard finale. The bad guy is locked away, Jon and Daenerys are expecting. That is until Arya randomly suffers a stroke, and is rendered brain dead. After stabbing the Night King in the neck with an ink quill, Jon puts Arya out of her misery. He takes her body out to sea and submerges it before sailing directly towards a storm to join her in the afterlife. Time jump. Daenerys is living in Argentina with the baby. Tyrion wears Hawaiians shirts and fedoras now, calling himself Angel Batista. Everyone thinks Jon is dead. In the last few minutes of the episode, we are taken north of the Wall to find him quietly living as a lumberjack. That’s it. Nothing else really. Lame, right?
Frodo Destroys the One Ring and returns to the Shire, Forever Changed
After the heart wrenching final steps of their journey results in Sauron’s defeat and the salvation of Middle-Earth, Frodo and the rest of the Fellowship of the Ring settle into new lives. Aragorn as the King of Gondor. Legolas and Gimli ride off together onto new adventures. Frodo, Sam and the rest of the Hobbits return to the Shire to little fanfare. Sam, Pippin, and Merry settle down fairly well, but they’ve all got their scars. Frodo in particular is irrevocably damaged, bearing serious PTSD from his time with the Ring. Due to this, he shares a tearful goodbye with all of his companions and sails into the Grey Havens with Gandalf, his uncle Bilbo, and some of the last of the elves. It’s very, very sad.
The Mother has Been Dead this Whole Time and Ted Ends Up with Robin
I know this is pretty harebrained, but hear me out. The Mother has been dead this whole time. BOOM. Bet you didn’t see that coming? But “why”, you ask. The show is called How I Met Your Mother, what would be the point of it if she was dead the entire time? If the show was really about the mother of Ted meeting the mother of his children, why does he spend half the show talking about all the times he banged their Aunt Robin? This is what it’s been leading up to. You know it. I know it. Just accept it.