Cultured people have no time for TV shows featuring the Kardashians. Lucky for me, I bask in the light of a good dumpster fire. Khloe Kardashian’s spin-off, Revenge Body, seems to have some substance. Like a 2018 version of Extreme Weight Loss, Khloe and her jacked up entourage help participants maintain a healthier lifestyle. While there are some problematic moments, for the most part, Khloe emphasizes dealing with issues that are at the heart of eating addiction, loving the body that you have and working hard to meet healthier lifestyle goals.
The most enjoyable part of the show is sitting on your couch, munching on some snacks, and watching others be active, throw-up from too much activity and transform into better versions of themselves. The show would be less interesting if it didn’t have the ragtag group of trainers that she uses to help motivate each participant. But, even better than eating while others workout is pondering which trainer you would prefer if you were the one crying through crunches on national TV. Here’s a handy guide of some of the trainers on Khloe Kardashian’s Revenge Body.
Specialty: Deep Conversations at the squat rack
Probability He’d Make Me Cry: 70%
Probability He’d Make Me Throw Up: 35%
Gunnar is a wild card. For one, he spells his name with an “a.” But more importantly, he is squatting renting the space above a parking garage. I don’t know what this has to do with fitness, but it seems important to add. Gunnar has worked with Jennifer Lopez, Michael B. Jordan and one time, on The Real Housewives of Orange County, he made Shannon Beador take off her shirt to measure her stomach. He didn’t need to do that and I will never forgive him. Gunnar has A LOT of equipment in his gym. Like A LOT. It really seems like a tripping hazard. Gunnar emphasizes the importance of nutrition first then exercise second. Gunnar has me and my Cheezits shook. He makes meal plans for participants to not follow, then get confronted and then follow. (It happens every time.)
Specialty: Flexing while having a deep conversation
Probability She’d Make Me Cry: 100%
Probability She’d Make Me Throw Up: 46%
Lacey’s motto is “Passion. Persistence. Patience. = Excellence.” Which tells me she’s kind and thoughtful and bad at math. Her goal is to befriend you and then make you work out till your arms are as jacked as hers. She’s most known for her flywheel classes where she enjoys “turning up the torque” and referring to the room as a “stadium.” One of my life goals is to be comfortable saying those phrases out loud.
Simone De La Rue
Specialty: Being teeny tiny
Probability She’d Make Me Cry: 20%
Probability She’d Make Me Throw Up: 100%
Simone’s workout philosophy is a lot of jumping. Jumping on trampolines. Jumping on the ground. Jumping with some high kicks. Hence the assured throw-up. Simone is four feet tall. (I think, I didn’t check.) But, they always give her super tall clients. I think this is a strategy to make the participants feel even bigger. It’s an evil thought, but I wouldn’t put it past reality TV producers.
What’s fun is that by the end of the twelve-week revenge body schedule, Simone always has her clients in shape and creepily dressed just like her. There are worse cults to join.
Specialty: Being adorable and Australian
Probability He’d Make Me Cry: 0%
Probability He’d Make Me Throw Up: 52%
Luke has one shirt and that shirt says “mate.” It’s half the name of this gym. It’s signifies that he is 100% Australian. It’s an indicator that he wants to be your friend. It’s everything you need to know about him. Luke creates adorable nicknames for his client, like “Stephie.” and makes them workout in large group exercise classes like normal people.
Probability He’d Make Me Cry: 100%
Probability He’d Make Me Throw Up: 1000%
Corey specializes in “The Calliet Way” which is basically him being handsome and yelling at people. He’s a great motivator for his clients because he has catch phrases that rhyme and they typically have a crush on him so they are likely to show up for his sessions. Each of his clients eventually learn to show up for themselves and not for him. Blah Blah Blah
It’s also important to note that he only has ONE JACKET that he wears to each reveal. It’s a version of the leather jacket that Danny Zuko wears, but four times larger. He always accentuates it with a black baseball hat, that makes his head seem even smaller than usual. By my couch side calculations, it’s about the size of four Cheezits.
I don’t know what this has to do with fitness, but it seems important to add.