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Funkhouser Predicts Wrestlemania 34

I feel like I say this every year, but we are in such a Golden (lovers) Age of Wrestling. Over the past four days alone, there have been some of the best events emanating from New Orleans during Wrestlemania Weekend, including NXT: Takeover N.O., Evolve 102, ROH Supercard of Honor XII, Matt Riddle’s Bloodsport, and Joey Janela’s Spring Break 2 (which was BONKERS). NXT Takeover might have been the best Takeover yet, and I feel like we’re saying that after each one. The quality of wrestling and story telling has become top notch, specifically Bullet Club (is fine)’s current implosion with Cody, Kenny Omega, The Young Bucks, Marty Scurll and Kota Ibushi, With all that said, we have three of the BIGGEST days of pro wrestling remaining, starting with Wrestlemania Snickers. Sorry, Wrestlemania 34.

As always, we thought at Funkhouser that we would predict the outcomes of the matches happening at Wrestlemania 34, and Josh Juckett and I try our hands at figuring out what the hell is going on.  Who will make more correct guesses on a pre-determined sporting event? Only time will tell.

Wrestlemania Women’s Battle Royal

Richmond: The Fabulous Moolah Women’s Battle Royal is a nice addition to the sting of groundbreaking events for the WWE Women’s Division. I could see Becky Lynch winning this one, as she’s kind of on her own at this point. Absolution & The Riott Squad don’t really need it, as trophies like that usually split up factions. Maybe Natty could get it to be a bigger heel.

Andre The Giant Memorial Battle Royal

Richmond: You would think that this would be on the main Wrestlemania card with the Andre HBO documentary airing this Tuesday. However, it’s not. I think we get a repeat from two years ago, and a call-up from NXT takes this one home, specifically Andrade ‘Cien’ Almas. Heels benefit more from the trophy, and it’d be a nice start for him on the main card.

Cedric Alexander vs Mustafa Ali – Cruiserweight Title Match

 Josh:  Alexander.  I still haven’t gotten back into the cruiserweight picture so this is a blind guess.

Richhmond: Josh, START WATCHING 205 LIVE. Since Drake Maverick (Rockstar Spud) has taken over as the General Manager, 205 Live has been FIRE. The Cruiserweight Tournament that has led up to this match between Cedrick Alexander & Mustafa Ali was nearly perfect, and made bigger stars out of wrestlers who aren’t in the finals. I want Ali to win, but I feel like Cedric is the choice here, as he was next in line before Enzo went AWOL. Either way, it’s a shame this match is on the pre-show, as this might be secret match of the night.

Shane McMahon & Daniel Bryan vs Kevin Owens & Sami Zayn

Richmond: The Yes Movement vs the Yep Movement. It’s an interesting one to pick, as if Owens/Zayn win, they are re-hired to Smackdown, but Daniel Bryan is in his first match back. I’m going to say Owens/Zayn, but only as Shane or Bryan turn on one another so that Shane can continue to be unnecessarily in the middle of the ‘A’ storyline on Smackdown.

Josh: KO/Zayn. Yes! Yes! Yes! will be awesome to see, but they’ll lose when one of those two turn on the other.

The Miz (c) vs Finn Balor vs Seth Rollins – Intercontinental Title Match

Josh: I’m ruling The Miz out because his wife just had a baby so it wouldn’t be surprising to see him take time off.  In a perfect world, Balor would get the belt, a rumored Smackdown star comes to Raw, and the Bullet (I’m sorry, Balor) Club starts a takeover.

Richmond: Bullet Club is Fine.  I would love to see The Miz retain, as he was on fire during the lead up to this match, but I think WWE needs to pull the trigger on Finn and the OGBC soon. Otherwise, Finn’s just really hanging around Raw being happy to be with the b-b-b-b-b-boys, brothering softly. So Balor for me too.

Bobby Roode vs Randy Orton (c) vs Jinder Mahal vs Rusev
U.S. Title Match

Richmond: This is my yearly “I Don’t Care” match, mainly because Orton is involved. I’d be really happy to see Rusev win this one, as he’s really the odd man out in this foursome. He has some of the highest merchandise sales (which might have gotten him added to the match) and the Rusev Day chants will be deafening. But, I think Orton retains.

Josh: This ties into another match later, but if a certain Smackdown star went to Raw after Wrestlemania then that would open a spot in the championship picture.  The least likely person I’d imagine being in that spot is Rusev, so he gets my nod here.  Also, Happy Rusev Day.

The Bar (c) vs Braun Strowman & ? – Raw Tag Team Titles

Richmond: This is a tough one. Braun is on a mega roll right now. There are many thoughts of who his partner could be: Elias, Curt Hawkins, Lars Sullivan, Brain Strowman, etc. I think The Bar retains, as Braun’s partner blows the match, then Braun eats a human being in the middle of the ring.

Josh: The Bar. Strowman is a singles masterpiece and I’d love to see him back in the title picture.  I’m hoping this mystery partner angle is a means to get to another singles push.

Alexa Bliss (c) vs Nia Jax – Raw Women’s Championship

Richmond: Nia Jax picks up the win in this one. Once you kind of hit the “body shaming” angle, you need the bully to lose, and in this case, Little Miss Bliss has been the biggest bully. Nia wins this one.

Josh: Bliss is such a great heel champion that it’s hard to see her lose the belt at Wrestlemania.  I’m rooting for Jax because that would be a cool moment, but my money is on Bliss.

Kurt Angle & Ronda Rousey vs Stephanie McMahon & HHH

Josh: Angle and Rousey. There’s no way Rousey loses her debut unless she turns on Kurt and goes heel right off the bat.  I don’t think that’s going to happen.

Richmond: Yeah, Angle & Rousey on this one. My concern in the pick, is that I could see HHH & Steph winning to set up something for Ronda to do for the next couple of PPVs. But I’ll stick with Angle & Rousey

Bludgeon Brothers vs The Usos (c) vs The New Day – Smackdown Tag Titles

Richmond: I’ll take Luke Harper in any match, all day. He’s deserved more than he’s gotten in his WWE run. Is Bludgeon Bros. the right thing, especially with War Machine in the wings? I don’t know. However, this is going to be a STRONG match, with the already awesome New Day and Usos. While I think it will be one of those two, let’s say Bludgeon Brothers, because if they lose, I fear they won’t get much momentum after Wrestlemania

Josh: I love the Bludgeon Bros, they’re definitely my favorite team in this match, but they just don’t have that champion feel.  I expect the New Day to regain the belts and hopefully the Bludgeon Bros can stay in the picture.

Charlotte (c) vs Auska – Smackdown Women’s Championship

Richmond: Asuka. Next. (Look, this match will be awesome, but there’s no question here)

Josh: The Queen vs The Empress is one of the top 3 matches I’m looking forward to.  I’m giving Asuka the nod because I don’t think her first Mania is when she gets that first L.  Asuka gets the win and we get a super hyped rematch next year.

AJ Styles (c) vs Shinsuke Nakamura – WWE Title Match

Josh: Nakamura. Styles is rumored to be heading to Raw after wrestlemania, which leads me to my pick.  I’m expecting this to be the match of the night.

Richmond: This has been a long awaited match, which I agree will be in the top three matches (This, Asuka/Charlotte, Ali/Alexander). Nakamura for the win here. There’s a lot needed with some new match-ups on Smackdown, and with Nakamura in the picture, (as Josh noted) AJ can go over to the Monday night show.

Brock Lesnar (c) vs Roman Reigns – WWE Universal Championship

Josh: Lesnar’s eventual return to UFC is the worst kept secret in the business.  Unless this has been one of the most elaborate works ever, I expect Reigns to win.  Hopefully there will be some sort of special run in (Samoa Joe, Styles, anyone) to spice it up.

Richmond: Even Conor McGregor’s nonsense can’t distract us from the other UFC news, in which Lesnar is gone after Sunday. The ultimate swerve would be for Lesnar to win tonight, but Reigns has this one.

Josh: Taker. WWE Hall of Fame inductee Kid Rock will perform American Bad Ass, Taker will ride his bike down, get a huge pop, and beat Cena.  Cena will leave to make movies then come back later. If this match happens I hope for the sake of Taker’s legacy that it’s a good one.

Richmond: I’m going to take the angle that we get some sort of encounter but not a full match. Undertaker comes out to tell Cena no, then Cena snaps in a Shawn Michaels way and beats down Taker. It sets up some sort of storyline that runs to Summerslam. (I really think what Josh said will happen though)

What do you think will happen? Let us know @FunkhouserKSR on Twitter.

Article written by Richmond Bramblet