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Drive-By Sleuthing – The Case of The Stolen Dog


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Let me preface by saying, this has nothing to do with Kentucky, sports, radio, or really pop culture for that matter…

About a week and a half ago, I started to take a new route to work.  My original drive to the office took about 20-25 minutes in the morning, having to go through heavily trafficked areas, including a large intersection in in front of a major high school.  I checked the ole’ smartphone, thinking, there had to be a better way.  In fact, there was.  The new course was going to shave about 5-10 minutes off of my trip time, making for a quick exit home at the end of the day.  So, on my very first afternoon home from work on this new path, which involves driving through not the nicest of neighborhoods, I happened across a house with this sign in the front yard:

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Oh no, poor pooch.  I’m sympathetic to any lost puppies, being a dog-owner recently in the last year.  After adopting our mutt last April, I’m not sure what we’d do without her.  Abigail (my dog, named after Psych character, Abigail Lytar) came with two settings, on and off, there is no middle ground.  Anyway, I digress.  I immediately felt bad for the owner of this dog, no one has the right to steal your pet from your home.  There were a few things I noticed from the sign though.  First, this person got a good look at the criminals.  Clearly, they were able to see the make and model of the car, as well as both the male and female culprits.  That’s a good start.  They were also able to get the plates off of the vehicle.  To be fair, there is a sign on the outside of the house that says, “Smile, You’re On Camera,” possibly frequently having intruders in this type of neighborhood.   The dog-owner has all of this on tape apparently.  So, why wouldn’t you want to press charges immediately.  If there’s anything I learned from “Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego,” it’s that if you know where the loot is, you get the warrant, then you get the criminal.  That’s what makes me a good gumshoe.

Then, I started to think, “does the victim know the culprit?”  You have to imagine, why would someone put a sign up like this if they didn’t know the person behind the crime?  I mean think about it, you’re probably not calling the cops, because this is someone you might deal with often.  Also, resorting to putting up a sign, you’re noting that this is someone who passes through this area, hopefully, often.  My suspicions, nay, Columbo-like hunches, were confirmed, when this sign appeared on my drive home two days later:

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Aha, contact has been made.  The sign immediately made me sad.  Apparently contact has been made, an agreement has been set to bring Fido back to his home, but the thieves have not met their end of the bargain.  To have your hopes dashed by inconsiderate people who have something that is dear to you is a sad thing.  But, again my original thoughts must be correct in that these people knew each other.  There had been some sort of discussion between the two sides, without a phone number being posted on the original sign, proving that there was a previous connection.  The first thing that had crossed my mind was that the people who took the dog had offered a ransom, which was answered by the owner, only to have the agreement retracted, resulting in not returning the dog.  That’s cold.  I obviously had been thinking too much into this, right?  Was I too concerned over a dog that wasn’t my own?  Over the next couple of days, the owner of the dog still had not received their pup, resorting to putting both signs up in their yard at the same time.  I began to give up hope that the dog would ever make it home.

But, there was a breakthrough!  On my way home on Friday, I saw this sign in the yard:

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Oh thank goodness, the dog had been returned to its rightful owner.  There was a wave of relief that rushed over me as I pulled up to the stoplight by the house.  I imagine that this is how Jessica Fletcher felt every time she realized that her nephew, Grady, was no longer in danger.  I started to look around to see if the dog was back on the porch, probably playing with a new toy that the owner bought for recently returned pup.  I didn’t see a dog anywhere, until I noticed something on the front porch that hadn’t been there before, wearing a sign, slightly different than the ones over the past couple of days:

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IT WASN’T EVEN A REAL DOG?!?!?!?!?  I’ve been worried for over a week about a mutt that doesn’t even exist?  Even the Hardy Boys would have never figured this one out.  That dog statue better have belonged to Cleopatra or Julius Caesar to cause that much of a fuss over.  You can’t see it in the picture, but the note that has been zip tied to the neck of the greyhound statue says, “Here you go!” Such a nonchalant response to a week’s worth of grand larceny charges.

So what’s the moral of this story?  I don’t know that there is one.  If there is, it might be that I grew up watching too much Matlock and Murder, She Wrote with my parents, leading me to try and solve crimes that APPARENTLY, aren’t worth solving.

@rbramblet

Article written by Richmond Bramblet

11 responses to “Drive-By Sleuthing – The Case of The Stolen Dog”

  1. rahrah

    Hahaha, nice post. Made me laugh out loud.

  2. John

    Abigail sucks (not your dog, I’m sure your dog is awesome). You should rename your awesome dog Chief Vick.

    1. CDub

      Have to agree… Abigail was NOT a good character. I named my dog Guster.

  3. Blue

    Well I’ll be dog gone. What a story.

  4. Louie the dog

    Ridiculous post, but made me laugh.

  5. You're know bloodhound

    It really never occurred to you it was a statue? That was my immediate assumption based on the wording of the first note. Who would say put my live pooch back on the porch where he belongs? You need to watch some more Matlock and Murder She Wrote before your next round of sleuthing.

    1. I'm know grammar king

      Wow. I need to watch more Electric Company. I get the right you’re but use know instead of no? This humble pie tastes like wet dog.

  6. Richmond Bramblet

    My name is seriously Richmond Bramblet. Even more ridiculous of a name than Wilder Treadway. My name is off the charts dumb.

  7. ClassicHumor

    Well done. Sadly I continued to read this ridiculous story and as did rahrah I too laughed outloud, so thank you for that.

  8. TJY
  9. Gap Tooth Danny

    Haha, they must have gotten tired of their garden gnomes being stolen, and thought the Anubis-like statue was safe. ANUBIS!