Hello, friends. Long time no speak. As you know, Lexington is currently playing host to the prestigious Barbasol Championship, which has brought top-tier golfers from all over the country to vie for, I don’t know, some money, or a trophy, or maybe some sort of “extra points” toward something. I don’t know.
As you may also know, my friend Aaron Flener, who is himself a former poster to this very site and longtime pal of KSR, is a professional caddie for the Professional Golfing Association and is at this very tournament. So this week we touched base for a few questions that I hope will shed light on this event and give us an insiders’ glimpse into the proceedings. Please enjoy.
CM Tomlin: Hi Aaron, it’s nice to talk to you again. I understand there is a big shaving exhibition in Lexington this weekend. Can you tell me a little about that?
Aaron Flener: I’m unaware of any shaving exhibition. I’m not saying there isn’t one because maybe there is, but I am here for the Barbasol Championship. It’s a golf tournament on the PGA Tour.
TOMLIN: Ah. Okay. I see. And you are working with this golfing party in what capacity?
FLENER: I am a caddie for [professional golf provider] J.T. Poston. Do you know what a caddie is?
TOMLIN: Nice try. Of course I do. I have two of them in my home. One holds my remote controls and the other holds my expensive regimen of luxurious shampoos and conditioners. I can presume that you carry this JT Poston’s remote controls and shampoos? Those don’t have anything to do with golf at all, Aaron.
FLENER Well Christopher Man, (I assume that’s what CM stands for) I guess in some stretch of the imagination I carry his remote controls. His golf clubs are what he uses to control his golf ball and I carry those in a contraption called a golf bag. Are you familiar at all with bags? If so, a golf bag is a bag that holds golf clubs.
TOMLIN: I’m not an idiot. I am familiar with the concept of a “bag” on both a fundamental level and as it pertains to golf and golfing clubs. So in your role as caddie, are you expected to impart information which could help Mr. Poston gain an advantage or “upper hand” in any situations? I would assume that as you are a professional caddie, your knowledge of the game is sound.
FLENER: I am expected to impart information which could give him the hand that is higher than the other hand. Thank you for asking. I try to say very helpful things like “whatever you do, don’t hit it in that water right there” and I’ll point at it and make him look just to make sure he’s thinking about it during his shot. They find that VERY helpful.
TOMLIN: What if he pulls you aside, say, on the tenth hole and tells you that he’s considering quitting his job and opening a very high-end artisan pet toys boutique? What kind of advice would you provide him for that?
FLENER: First I would tell him I didn’t know what the word artisan meant. Then I would tell him that while chicks dig pets and their toys, they dig the long ball even more. That would probably keep him playing golf and keep me employed. Employment is important to me.
TOMLIN: If I come down to the golf tournament, can you introduce my to my favorite golfer Chi Chi Rodriguez?
FLENER: Despite almost every former champion on the PGA Tour getting into the field this week (including something called a Jay Don Blake), I regret to inform you that Chi Chi is not playing in the golf tournament. However, if you come to the tournament maybe we can go to a Chi Chi’s Mexican restaurant afterwards. Would that make you happy?
TOMLIN: It would. Didn’t Chi Chi Rodriguez give a bunch of people Hepatitis A in 2003? That’s why we don’t see him much anymore, right?
FLENER: Yeah, he can’t be in places where people know he’ll be. Much like people with gambling debts or unpaid child support he doesn’t want to be found.
TOMLIN: Aaron, you famously have a beard. Have you considered shaving it off and surprising everyone at the Barbasol Championship, and every time someone asks about it you can tell them about Barbasol’s quality line of products? Follow-up question: do you know someone in marketing at the Barbasol Championship who I can bounce this off so you don’t get all the credit when this idea is a massive success?
FLENER: Chris, I’ve only been clean shaven a single time in the last 5 years because I lost a bet. However, if Barbasol would like to pay me I’d surely consider clean shaving my face daily with their high quality razor and shaving cream products. As they say, “you haven’t solved your facial hair problems until you’ve barbasolved them.”
TOMLIN: Let’s say there’s a guy on my street who’s car alarm keeps going off in the middle of the night. As a caddie, what club would you recommend I use to smash his windshield?
FLENER: Definitely the sand wedge. The club head is heavy and has sharp edges. You’ll be able to do the most damage possible with this club. I recommend stretching before you do it, wouldn’t want you to pull a muscle while committing your crime.
TOMLIN: Good to know. Jim Thiernan’s 2005 Subaru Impreza is totes going down. Thanks for chat, old friend. I hope you have fun and do a good job at the golf party and that Mr. JT Poston does well this weekend. Tell him that all of KSR is counting on him. I’ll hook up with you at Chi Chi’s later tonight for some margaritas and Hep A.
FLENER: Lovely speaking with you Christopher Man. I’ll see you at Mr. Rodríguez’s place this evening. I might be late because that’s who I am as a person but you guys be sure and save some Hep A for me!
The Barbasol Championship is being held July 19-22 at the Keene Trace Golf Club in Lexington.