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From: Gary Rankin, Office of the President

To: John Calipari, Men’s Basketball Coach

Subject: Considerations for BBM


Dear Coach,

We recently got around to looking at your itemized request for the 2013 “Big Blue Madness” event to be held on October 18 and we have some questions. These questions are not meant to in any way discourage the pageantry and excitement of each year’s event, but rather to understand the necessity for certain requests. We’re sure you understand. Please respond at your earliest convenience.

1. Please make sure your staff is on hand two hours prior to the event should we have any questions or should anything need to be adjusted. We wish to assist you in any way we can to make sure the event goes well for everyone involved.

2. Is the “All Me” song something you have your heart set on? We are not familiar with Drake or “2 Chainz” (sic), but it would seem that the royalties on this tune are very expensive. Is it a popular song right now? If not, perhaps we could use an older or more obscure song with less pricey musical rights. Carol in our office suggested “Do the Loco-Motion.” It’s a very fun song! Also, we could purchase it for one-time use at a very affordable price.

3. While we like the idea of interactivity at events like these, giving every single person in the building a chance to have Dakari Johnson violently stuff their jump shot would take up a tremendous amount of time and seems like it would really slow things down. There could be liability issues as well.

4. We’re very sorry, but a working volcano is just not in this year’s budget. We checked with the Theatre department but they will not have time to construct one.

5. Though we like the idea, we feel that the spotlight that the part of the event where a bright spotlight shines down from the ceiling and God declares the University of Kentucky his choice to win the National Championship may be alienating to some. Please revise.

6. We’re not entirely sure what your office administrators meant by “pumping the scent of victory through the air vents.” What does that mean? We googled it and could not figure this out. Please let us know. Also, how strong is that smell? We would need it unnoticeable by Sunday afternoon’s touring performance of “Elmo’s Imagination Junction.”

7. Julius Randle riding a Siberian white tiger seems a little excessive, and also possibly a little bit dangerous. Will the necessary precautions be taken?

8. We checked into Maya Angelou writing an original piece for this event and she regretfully declined. Perhaps one of our Introduction to Poetry students can pen something sufficient. We will contact the English department.

9. We’re not sure of the significance of a translucent tank full of manta rays. Please clarify.

10. At this point it is much too late to secure the technology to project a hologram of Adolph Rupp into the spare seat next to every audience member. Also, all seats have been filled so there are no spare seats between audience members for these hologram projections.

11. We checked with WLEX meteorologist Bill Meck and there’s no scientific way to ensure an actual lightning strike just as the PA announcer says “Your Kentucky Wildcats,” as this phenomenon is wildly unpredictable. Can we do this with a lighting and sound effect?

12. Is Andrew Harrison shooting a flaming basketball into a live tableau of the building of the Panama Canal something which is integral to this year’s theme? We would like to know more about this.

If any of these cuts or revisions make planning the event more difficult at this point, please let us know as soon as possible, as we still have the phone number of the cloggers and they said they could come if we give them at least three days notice.


Gary R.

Article written by C.M. Tomlin

All I want is a HI-C and a turkey sandwich. @CM_Tomlin


  1. realme

    #6 just made me lol in my office.

  2. ktmiln2

    #2 is painfully true, yet still hilarious.

  3. Everybody

    C M Tomlin should not be allowed to post on this site anymore. His attempt at humor comes up short on every post. From now on Im skipping his posts entirely.

  4. ktmiln2

    #3- Shut up, Meg

  5. shields eyes

    #3 has a giant corn cob stuck…

  6. ClayBob

    Nailed it.

  7. JLP

    Tomlin is ABSOLUTELY the best of KSR in humor writing.

  8. JoeMoney333

    “Do the Loco-Motion.” … is a fun song… It works for the football team…

  9. trey

    Randle would look majestic riding a white Siberian tiger. Maybe he could don some Roman Empire era armour and weild a sword.

  10. me

    An Adolph Rupp Hologram would be the greatest thing in History

  11. Numbers of a particular post comment

    makes no sense here.

  12. Kentucky

    #3 is a LOU fan. Douche.

  13. WestKYUKfan

    Adolph Rupp hologram coaching along the sidelines would definitely be epic

  14. Snoop Stervie Sterve

    From one satirical writer to another, well done my friend.

  15. youngretiredbballplayer

    Are you serious Clark?

  16. EPIC

    Interesting that the hologram reference was thrown in this post. If they are looking to out-do the video screen court that is definitely the route to go, and if that happens I cannot promise that I won’t cry.

  17. Michael Gray

    I’m just posting this here because there is no other real place to post it but there is a local clothing company with a shirt that I think people on here might appreciate. Don’t click on it if cursing offends you.

  18. Bluegrass

    Would love to see #5 actually happen

  19. RICH

    Chane Behanan has been dismissed from Louisville team for violation of school rules. Of course the door is still open for a return, but he’s already screwing up post dismissal.

  20. Sir Brandon

    Tomlin maketh me laugh out loud yet again.

    #3, you also skippeth proper punctuation.

  21. CATandMONKEY

    Manta Rays…laughing WAY out loud.

  22. former KSR website to future commenters

    Callin out comment # ‘ s here with the NEW WEBSITE ” is like wind turbulence against a water stream.”

  23. JimTheChin

    #3 Shut your mouth… Tomlin rocks and so does Dubya.. This is what makes KSR unique. If you don’t like it, pay for info or listen to Larry Glover Live.

  24. Nick

    Point 12 was the one that had me rolling. Just the sheer absurdity was hilarious.

  25. matt

    I would’ve rolled with:

    Julius Randle riding a Siberian white tiger seems a little excessive, and also possibly a little bit dangerous. Will the necessary precautions be taken…to protect the tiger from Julius…….

  26. Joy Kiser

    These all sound like reasonable requests to me, does the administration not know who brings in the money?

  27. Jwall

    23&11. Most people can see the numbers fools

  28. cliff mims

    demarcus cousins, is the picture

  29. RahRah

    Pure gold! Lol @ scent of victory and white tiger.