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Let’s Let the Healing Begin, Indiana!


Friends, as a victory in tonight’s titanic struggle against the Hoosiers will take us one step further in our quest for total domination of the NCAA, it goes without saying that this game holds a little more of a personal angle. Seriously, if I need to tell you why tonight’s game is important, you might as well click on over to Yahoo!’s “OMG” gossip page to find out more about The Hunger Games.

It’s no secret that there’s a little past animosity between UK and IU fans, no doubt to be settled tonight. But seeing as both teams are on an equal playing field at the moment, the boys in blue and red can settle their differences between them. We, on the other hand, should seriously try to bridge the growing gap between ourselves and our Hoosier neighbors to the west. That’s why today, in the interest of healing these open wounds, perhaps we should look at how to heal these wounds between us. After all, until the Mayan-predicted collapsing of the earth, whereupon many of our state borders will shift mightily and we’ll all perish, they will continue to be forever bonded to us. So let’s be the bigger men and women, and take the necessary eight positive steps toward conflict resolution in accordance with the professionals, shall we?

1. Set a time and place for discussion.
How about Atlanta on March 23? Say, 9:45? We’ll bring the Tostitos and the Anthony Davis.

2. Define the problem or issue of disagreement.
Indiana, you claim that you’re better than us because of a last-second shot which handed us our only loss. On the other hand, we contend that we’ve beaten teams much better than you. You also think it’s hilarious, apparently, to call us “Ken-Sucky,” which is hurtful to our feelings. Our emotions are important too, Indiana.

3. How do you each contribute to the problem?
Indiana, you claim that we should “shut our mouths” because you “already shut them for us earlier this season.” Admittedly, we aggravate the problem by being in close proximity and having arguably the best team in the nation at the moment. Our loud, collective cheering probably startles your horses and cows, and for that we apologize. We don’t want to mess with your livelihoods. God knows we all enjoy corn, right? See? Common ground. We’re getting somewhere.

4. List past attempts to resolve the issue that were not successful.
On December 10, we tried to be nice, but you insisted upon beating us by one point. One point! That’s not very cool. You just had to one-up us, didn’t you? You could have just tried to draw a foul, only made one free throw, and we’d have been tied. Wouldn’t that have been nice? We could have all been happy until overtime, when Terrence Jones and Anthony Davis would have displayed some fantastic dunks. And that would have been fun for you to watch! Everyone could have enjoyed that, I think. You were being greedy.

5. Brainstorm. List all possible options.
Look, we like to be fair. So how about we toss out some ideas that might help everyone?
-We shoot a three-pointer, and then you come down the floor and share the ball with us.
-You move out of the way so we can score more easily.
-We’ll help you up off the floor after Michael Kidd-Gilchrist’s torso to your face knocks you down.
-We all enjoy the jump-roping halftime show together, as a group.
-Perhaps one or more of our many NBA-bound players can come work for the Pacers. You guys like the Pacers, don’t you?

6. Agree on one solution to try.
How about we play a game and see who wins it? Now, you have to be fair: if we win, you can’t keep on talking about December 10, okay? If you’ve won one game and we’ve won one game, then we’ve each won a game against one another, and we can all be happy with how the season turned out. It’ll be like we’re equal!

7. Reward each other as you each contribute to the solution.
If you’ll be happy with our successful maneuvers on the court, we’ll in turn not take it personally when you foul us desperately and repeatedly in the last thirty seconds of the game. We understand that it’s just business, and that you’re not trying to be mean. In fact, we will appreciate your determination! When everyone respects one another, we are all winners of the game. And you can rest assured that when it comes to forgiveness, you will be advancing to the Elite Eight of Respect! Even though there is no trophy at stake for that, because it is an ethereal concept and not a real Elite Eight.

8. Set up another meeting. Discuss your progress.
Tell you what: after our meeting in Atlanta, we will see you in the fall, and we can all have fun playing basketball together again with all new players because many of ours may be playing in the NBA. We can all share in each others’ stories and do some catching up, and all of this will be behind us. There’s no reason why we can’t be friends, Indiana. It’s important for this relationship to grow. So let’s shake hands and end this silly rift. When we’re cutting the nets down in New Orleans, we’ll think back and smile fondly. That smile will be for you, because we couldn’t have done it without you. We love you, Indiana. And we forgive you.

Article written by C.M. Tomlin

67 responses to “Let’s Let the Healing Begin, Indiana!”

  1. mocha

    tonight’s game will be a piece of cake for UK.

  2. Fateagued
  3. Han
  4. Han

    Drat, foiled again

  5. Ivan Drago

    we must break them

  6. Fateagued

    Sorry Han, :D

  7. catfaninrockytop

    They are talking mad noise on the ESPN preview board. I have a feeling their talking will not persist…

  8. CAYUTS FAN
  9. tfordstyle

    florida. they be scared of losing over and over by lots.

    lville thinks they can win.

  10. Marco from KY

    Good job on the prepare/enrich counseling

  11. SexnNursinHomes

    effin Hunger Games. Watch it turn out to be John Carter part 2.

  12. Ridge Runner

    This is not witty, may be bland, is not breaking news but I have to crow somewhere…

    I go my Atlanta Elite 8 Tickets for Sunday. Gotta get by Indiana I knwo but hell…took the chance & got the tickets. I am as excited and nervous as a Cat on a hot tin roof.

    OK…I’m done.

  13. Ridge Runner

    11…Wifes gotta go too –so I’ll practice my “wandering eyes” for da cheerleaders -just a bit before I go. Cool?

  14. me

    Not to be jumping ahead …. but AFTER we thump IU – does anyone know what time the game would be Sunday?

  15. Ridge Runner

    14…stubhub ticket rep said it’s up to CBS to announce the exact game time (TV thing ya know)

  16. strange brew

    @ 12, even though I think IU will be harder than most here, I just don’t see them winning twice. UK beat Kansas, UNC, UofL and UF three times. Besides UofL, all of those are teams are better than IU. It took Vandy three tries to win. How did their postseason turn out?

  17. me

    @15 – thanks!

  18. ADDA

    LOLOLOLOLOLLOLOL #8

  19. Ridge Runner

    16..gotcha. I agree. Not to mention the boys will be (scratch that–I mean “are”) stoked for this rematch more than any.

  20. UKBlue

    I would rather play easier teams; if we’re going to have to take people out, then bring them on.

  21. Roland

    This NCAA Tournament is VERY interesting. This feels like college basketball.

  22. TheDecker

    Anybody know what our crowd looks like? I live in Indianapolis and they’re talking how the majority are Hoosier fans. That can’t be right..in Catlanta????

  23. Reality

    The only thing worse than a Tomlin post is Drew Franklin being on the radio show.

  24. Ridge Runner

    It’s kinda funny in a way…

    March Madness comes along and every year people come from out of the woodwork to offer insight on the tourney. I’m talking about people you meet day to day. I have found myself kinda just nodding my head and letting them ramble (some of them) who now are all Mr. & Ms. College Basketball. Like many of you, we in BBN live & breathe it 24/7 – 365 so when ya run into folks like that….heck, I just have to nod & smile.

  25. Nashville Kat

    Why do birds fly upside down over Indiana? There’s nothin’ worth crappin’ on.

  26. Ridge Runner

    22…those folks have some land to sell ya in the south pacific too.

  27. Doug

    This is awesome and hilarious

  28. uklaw95
  29. Roland

    #24, Was just up in town a little while ago and did some domestic shopping wearing BLUE and couldn’t get out of a store without someone wanted to talk basketball.

  30. Ridge Runner

    29…I know exactly what ya mean my friend.

  31. SexnNursinHomes

    13- cool as hell. Love looking at da cheerleaders.

  32. Ridge Runner

    31…there ya go! lol

  33. lexslamman

    24.

    It is especially funny up here in northern New York – all the Syracuse ‘fans’ pretend to know what they’re talking about, it is really kind of cute.

  34. SexnNursinHomes

    32- if you stare hard enough, you will see that stuff hanging out looking like a rost beef sammich from Arby’s.

  35. strange brew

    To be fair, if you take away the meth usage, the racism, support of Bobby Knight, how ugly they are and their lies, IU fans aren’t that bad.

  36. Ridge Runner

    lexs…I can imagine up there, yes. I live in Augusta GA (2hrs from Catlanta) and I admit..most UGA fans treat us good and respectful but thats an SEC thing I believe. There are always some that are in left field though. But hell yeah…bud your in a whole new area when it comes to stuff like that I bet.

    SNH…yes sir. Making a note of that now as we speak! haha

  37. HOO HOO

    “Tell you what: after our meeting in Atlanta, we will see you in the fall, and we can all have fun playing basketball together again with all new players because many of ours may be playing in the NBA.” You failed to mention that they will be broke after 10 years just like your boy Antoine Walker.

    Hoosiers attend grad school and become doctors, lawyers, etc. while UK grads become the following…

    http://www.hazard-herald.com/view/full_story/6739673/article-Former-UK-player-indicted-for-alleged-ticket-scam

    http://www.kentucky.com/2008/12/11/622427/ex-uk-player-indicted-in-texas.html

    HOO HOO HOO HOOSIERS

  38. Roland

    As much as everyone (other team fans and attention seeking media) hates on UK basketball team this year, this tournament is turning out special. As long as UK hangs in there, the talk will be college basketball. All the other teams dream of taking out UK. UK being GOOD is GOOD for college basketball.

  39. GoCats2

    #37 I was going to come back at you with some NBA players from IU and what they are up to but I could not think of any.

  40. SexnNursinHomes

    37- you inmpregnate your grandmothers in Indiana. classy. VERY classy. Oh, and say hello to Kelvin “iu sanctions” Sampson too. cheater cheater penis eater

  41. bigblue

    Wow Coach Cal and the Uk effect is in full effect. Eloy is listed on draft express as the number three center available looking at being drafted late first round early second . Wow great job Cal and Eloy!

  42. BOO HOO

    Kelvin Sampson
    Bob Knight
    Yeah, Indiana is the epitome of classy. Hahaha. hoohoo.

  43. Wu Tang Financial

    37 is the product of generations of inbreeding coupled with abundant meth usage.

  44. PA Cat

    Does anyone have the definition of a Hoosier that was posted earlier in the week?

  45. Roland

    Will there be couch burning on Euclid tonite if IU goes down? I think not but the city will be rowdy.

  46. Al's IndiCats

    LMAO Poor little who who. Two things that you forgot in your little statement. Yep you have your doctors and lawyers alright, that’s because none of your basketball players MAKE to the pros. But that’s ok, not everyone can play the pro game and it’s good to have something to fall back on. You have Steve Alford who coached at Iowa for a while, but then your savior Bob Knight refused to shake hands with him with their first meeting, plus to the fact Stevie got as far as he could from Indiana. (NM) Whatever happened to Bailey? Yeah he kinda fell off the earth. Jay Edwards? last I heard he’s still sitting around Marion HS still telling folks how he saved IU basketball, no job but still reliving the old days. Yep you Hosyiers can sure tell the world how well you all made out.
    Walker, well some people just can’t handle the wealth and fame he was one.

  47. Champ

    no 2:00 post???? this is bull. I want my money back

  48. McGhee

    Whoo whoo wont be back here for a very long tie after tonite. you little gay basturd

  49. NashvilleCat
  50. Walter Sobchak
  51. SKat

    51: Gotta love The Onion!

  52. Indiana Glass Houses

    So my post got yanked because I listed too many links to Indiana athletes/coach who have committed crimes? Is there a limit of 10 links?

  53. Indiana Glass Houses

    Sorry. Spoke too soon. I’ll hang up and take my answer off the air and Go Cats!

  54. HOO HOO

    Irrational UK fans living vicariously through their NBA stars while they are dirt poor is hilarious. What isn’t hilarious is the fact IU grads have to pick up the tab for the majority of UK fans living on welfare.

    HOO HOO HOO HOOSIERS

  55. lexslamman

    54.

    You won’t be laughing when Anthony Davis drinks your milkshake.

  56. Real Cats Fan

    Hoo Hoo, ever heard of Todd Leary?

  57. doc

    The healing begins with the cats stomping the life out of these rejects…
    ESPNUhas shown the first game all week….I want REVENGE!

  58. doc

    Too hoo….what an appropriate name (that means it fits for you in Hoosier Land).
    Come back after the game and lets see if you still crow….

  59. Scoutblue23

    I’m so nervous I’m going to throw up. All of my relatives are Hoosier fans. We CANNOT lose this game.

  60. catfan38

    Whoooo Whoooo is worried or he wouldn’t be on a UK website! He’ll wet his pants before this game is over! GO CATS!!!

  61. Ryan

    What a waste of half a cake!

  62. Poo Poo Hoosier

    Okay. You got me on Todd Leary. Glad you didn’t know about Lynn Washington smuggling drugs or Cortez Smith robbery or Robert Montgomery Knight’s outstanding assault warrant for hitting a police officer in Puerto Rico. We should forget that last one anyway, ’cause Coach explained it for Sports Illustrated when he said of the Puerto Ricans, “F—’em, f—’em all.… The only thing they know how to do is grow bananas.”

  63. World's Most Interesting Man

    I don’t often talk to Indiana grads. But when I do, I ask for large fries.

  64. BOO HOO

    Hey HOO HOO, we know you’re not big on facts because, well, lets face it, you’re not very smart. Indiana is tied for 10th with New Mexico as far as biggest welfare state. You got us ole hicks down here beat…Kentucky isn’t in the top 15. How sad is your life? Can’t wait to hear from ya tomorrow!

  65. Al's IndiCats

    Who Who? I lived in Indianapolis for better than 37 years, and during those 37 years I’ve given to more poor uneducated Hoosiers than I have Kentucky people. I’ve taught (at my own expence) Hoosiers how to weld and run lathes, drills, and other shop machines in order for them to make a living for them and their families. I’ve coached kids in basketball, football, baseball and soccer to make sure Hoosier kids understand the importance of sportmanship as to the development of going out into the real world. What I’ve witnessed in you, is that you were in none of my classes. For I see you have no CLASS whatsoever!
    GO CATS!!!!!!!!

  66. HOO HOO's Welfare Check

    Hoo Hoo is like school in the summertime…no class! but you’re check is in the mail. once cashed, you will be able to buy that 2012 Kentucky NCAA Championship hoody! and buy your mom something nice. raising you must have almost killed her.

  67. bigblue

    #54 I can stand you callng Sumbody out likes this.call Mat an get this person off dis sight.he dont no this is the bbn we dont take nuthng from nbody i am pissed now.