Cultural Anthropology 101: The UK Fan Archetypes


transistorinv

Hello, friends, and happy SEC Conference Schedule Kickoff weekend! As we all know, this is when things start to really count (not that you don’t count, Samford!) and we really begin to see what the future holds for our boys in blue. To help you navigate the games to come, I thought it might be helpful for Professor Tomlin to point out the types of UK fans we all know and love in a piece we’ll call Cultural Anthropology: The UK Fan Archetypes, and get to know our Wildcat-loving comrades. Shall we? Indeed, we shall. And feel free to add your own in the comment section. As always, happy Friday.

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The Recruit Fanatic

Distinguishable traits: The Recruit Fanatic is always several steps ahead of the game and knows exactly which young players to watch as they grow closer to making their college choice. This fan is eager to google search any number of young teens in search of YouTube Mix Tape videos, clips of slam dunks, information on the personalities of their parents or likes and dislikes of their high school coaches.

Common quote: “Yeah, Michael Kidd-Gilchrist is good, but wait till you see Bernard Van Der Veer from Toluca Lake High School. That kid’s only a freshman and he makes Kidd-Gilchrist look like a chump. Too bad his mom has allergies to certain types of grass which grow in this region, but his dad knows Bret Bearup from summer camp and he sent a Facebook message to his girlfriend that his favorite color is blue. That’s gotta mean something.”

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The Septugenarian

Distinguishable traits: The Septugenarian is often found in the low-lying areas of Rupp Arena, often toting an overlarge handbage filled with various lozenges, tissues and medications. Loud noises startle the Septugenarian and if provoked, its defense mechanism of staring predators down can be a formidable technique compensating for a lack of teeth. Its markings include blue-tinted fur and a quiet ambivalence to its surroundings.

Common quote: “That Darius Milner is really something. Did you know I saw on the news that he has scored ten thousand points? I’m cold!”

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The Late Night Internet Crawler

Distinguishable traits: The Late Night Internet Crawler is a gatherer, a nocturnal creature often lit by the eerie glow of a computer screen in the very late hours of the evening. Its propensity to comment on all it sees makes it a very aware creature but his constant squawking fends off those who might otherwise mistake him for dangerous, and its facial markings generally consist of punctuation symbols.

Common quote: “LOL suk it UNC!!! Jus like Kansas bishes!!!!!! Davis FTW! :0p

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The Guy Who Only Talks About Two Years from Now

Distinguishable Traits: This fan cannot be satisfied by the goings-on of the current season as he is consistently and alternately troubled or excited by seasons following the next season. His constant fear is that whoever he is watching will be gone next season, and then where are we going to be? Without Shabazz Muhammed, nowhere, that’s where.

Common quote: “It’s hard to get excited about this team when you think of what’s going to happen when these guys all leave. I mean, who does Calipari have coming up? He needs to start recruiting for 2014 or we’re going to be in big trouble.”

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The “I Don’t Comment a Lot But Just Want To Say This” Guy:

Distinguishable Traits: Doesn’t comment a lot, but just wants to say this. Also a natural enemy to the Late Night Internet Crawler.

Common quote: “I don’t comment a lot, but I just want to say this. I can’t believe you guys are all harping on Terrence Jones. He’s an incredible player and he’s going to lead this team in the stretch. You guys are all crazy if you think he’s not as good as he was last year.”

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The Today-is-the-Current-Status-of-the-Program Fan

Distinguishable Traits: The TITCSOTP can’t be bothered with preparing for the future, because it lives entirely in the moment by the previous night’s win or loss. This is why its mood is constantly in flux and, when riled, can be extremely dangerous. Often found in: barbershops, office breakrooms and backyard get-togethers. DO NOT approach the TITCSOTP without first consulting the most recent boxscore.

Common quotes: “That’s it. It’s over. These guys are terrible. I can’t believe they were down at the half to Arkansas-Little Rock. You think this team can beat Syracuse playing like that? No way.” AND/OR “These guys are amazing. Did you see that alley-oop last night against Loyola? We could totally beat Syracuse playing like this.”

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The Guy Who Always Says We Might Lose

Distinguishable Traits: Known for a decidedly morose disposition, this fan feathers its nest against the worst possibilities. It often believes that losing is “good for them.”

Common Quote: “I tell you, I think we’re gonna get caught by Auburn. I just have a feeling. But might be a good thing for them to lose to someone like that, so they’ll take things seriously.”

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The Middle-Aged Lady Who Creepily Latches on to One Player

Distinguishable Traits: Often disguised as a mother, grandmother or office secretary, the Middle-Aged Lady Who Creepily Latches on to One Player can be a slightly offputting creature, giving the veiled impression that she might like to mate with the object of her odd affections. Often the player in question will be slightly handsomer than the other players on the team, or seem like a particularly good person. Environmental note: the winter and spring of 2011 saw excessive growth of these creatures coinciding with with Josh Harrellson’s on-court successes.

Common Quote: “You know who I like. That Jarrod Polson. Calipari should play him more.”

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The Guy Living Elsewhere Who Gets Things UK-Related from His Family for Christmas

Distinguishable Traits: Perhaps once native to the Commonwealth of Kentucky, the Guy Living Elsewhere Who Gets Things UK-Related from his Family for Christmas has migrated to other climes yet still continues to get University of Kentucky-licensed apparel, hats, mugs and blankets from his relatives still in Kentucky. This creature may or may not actually be a UK fan, but after being spotted and spoken relentlessly to by Kentuckians visiting his habitat will eventually appear to take on the behavior of a fan.

Common quote: “Yes, I grew up in Bowling Green but don’t get back there often. I sort of keep track of the Wildcats but it’s hard to do from Seattle, you know? I hear they’re good this season. I’ll have to catch them on TV sometime.”

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The Doctor or Lawyer Who Wears a UK Sweater Vest to Games

Distinguishable traits: Greying, well-to-do, wears a sweater vest emblazoned with a small UK logo to games. Generally docile, this fan has inherited season tickets from The Septugenarian and, in later years, will begin to take on a similar appearance.

Common quote: “We should get going early, before the traffic starts.”

Article written by C.M. Tomlin

41 responses to “Cultural Anthropology 101: The UK Fan Archetypes”

  1. U SUCK

    U suck tomlin! Never write another post here or anywhere else again. I blame u for everything that sucks about the world & I hope u catch crohn’s disease

  2. TheReal

    Easily the best post in a while. Nailed it from start to finish. If you can’t find your fan archetype in these descriptions u arent a UK fan. Unfortunately I’m the “we might lose” guy. Lou Holtz approach.

  3. kycolonelmatt

    My wife is “the Middle Aged Lady” and she is only 26.

  4. Hammertime

    This is one of the best posts I’ve read on here.. these are all so true!

  5. Mark Wilson

    I dont know which one i am …..what does this mean???, I may be the recruit guy but i pride myself in thinking im Daniel Stern from Celtic Pride

  6. Mark Wilson

    *UK STYLE THOUGH

  7. Simple

    Excellent post.

  8. Simple

    You did forget the “U Suck” creature (see #1).

    And the “spelling and grammar = credibility” creature.

    And the “Your argument only is logical if I say it is,” which quickly devolves into “U SUCK.”

  9. Al B. Sure

    Good job!

  10. bbmaverick

    I don’t comment a lot but just want to say that I really enjoyed this post. Funny, though I couldn’t really find a category that I fit into.

  11. Lovelease

    The writer the gets big words fron disney cartoons
    P n ferb

    This site is simking matt jones
    Im mot putting u down im pleading to u to go back to basics
    Plus all these adds are clogging your site and they make u look like a sell our

  12. GameDay

    Lovelease or Siva’s dad?

  13. scoretowin

    I don’t comment a lot. But, I want to say that I really enjoyed this post. And, if everyone will settle down and enjoy the journey, this season is a lot of fun. Seriously, this is what I really want to say. I probably won’t post much more because I don’t comment a lot.

  14. Dave in Kabul

    What about the “Sarcastic Realist Fan who loves to F*ck with idiots” Archetype?

    And you forgot yer buddies ~ The Spelling Queen Beez!

    When you gonna have that KSR Spelling Bee Championship?

  15. Dave in Kabul

    MOOOOO

  16. Septuagenarian

    Where the f*ck are the spelling correctors when you need ’em?

  17. Al B. Sure

    Wow, #13! That was an original post!

  18. wilDCat

    I like this post almost as much as I like Polson. They really need to play him more.

  19. HillbillyInBC

    I’m “The Guy Living Elsewhere Who Gets Things UK-Related from His Family for Christmas”, but that common quote is utterly lame. It’s not hard to keep track of the Cats from Vancouver, and we don’t even get ESPN here.

  20. 4o Something

    What about us?

    We’re the “40 Something Male who follows 17 and 18 year old kids around asking for autographs ‘for our children’ and have no life because our wives have left us and our children are embarrassed by us because we spend all of our time on the internet discussing or arguing about UK Basketball” fan.

  21. WE_ARE_UK

    Definitely love the middle aged lady label lol. Absolutely true haha. A lady who works with my mother constantly sends texts during games about “her little lamb” whenever Doron does something good. Also she is HIGHLY upset about the Demarcus situation and claims people are “picking on him”.

  22. Profit is Good

    I’m the “let’s find a way to profit off of these crazy bastards” fan.

  23. Vincent Vega

    I went to High School @ Toluca Lake

  24. Ashley Judd

    I do not creepily latch on to one player. I am not a slightly offputting creature and I do not give the veiled impression that I might like to mate with the object of my odd affections.

    YOU BASTARDS!!!

  25. TN Cat

    Which one is Matt Jones? The guy who talks about 2 years from now? I’m the one that always says we might lose but living in TN you have to brace yourself to hear all about it from UT fans in case they do lose.

  26. boomdaddy

    I don’t see “the dumb ass” catagory listed. I have been in that catagory a time or two. I am guessing a lot of others have too, no matter who they root for. The dumb ass is one blindly bets on his team, when he knows good and well they have no chance in hell of beating the spread.

  27. warrior

    What about that fan that hates each and every opponent with every fiber of his body? I need my own category.

  28. Jones Returns

    I don’t comment often but I just want to say: hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahvhahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahah

  29. Al's IndiCats

    I guess I would fall into the guy living elsewhere….I buy Full Court so I don’t miss a UK game. When my children were young, they knew if the house catches on fire they were keep it as far from the tv until the game’s over. In the past 12 years we’ve gone to 11 1/2 SEC tournaments. The reason for the half is….well the house burned down and it took us almost two days to open the fireproof safe to find insurance papers, titles, and oh yeah the SEC tickets.

  30. Eloy

    THIS IS FUNNY! Starting with the not Jerry Tipton post, to the ‘brows’ picture, to this classic, KSR is on a Friday ROLL! Keep it up.

  31. Ashley Judd

    Jones! You’ll never see the Snagglepuss, if you keep insulting me like this!!!

  32. nolablue

    There’s also another bizarre sort of Kentucky fan… who is actually a fan of another school, but who obsessively
    knows facts and stats about UK that most UK fans don’t even know. I don’t know what I’d call those fans.
    “Jealous”, maybe?

  33. the truth

    best post on ksr in some time

  34. TR

    This is a true classic! What about the fan that can’t enjoy the team without thinking about how good we would be if Jodie, Pat, Eric, Boogie…. had stayed 1 more year. “What if (Jodie) had stayed one more year, We would be awesome.” Then you have the compare every player with a past player… “This guy is just like Eric Daniels”. I guess we know who that is.

  35. RIP Mel Turpin

    Moving away doesn’t take the blue out of your blood – it only intensifies the pride in our team. And living in a resort area makes it more important that we wear all those shirts, hats, hoodies, snuggies, etc. that our mothers give us. We have to endure the Duke, Carolina, Indiana, Florida, Connecticut, Kansas, and UCLA fans that are wearing their gear. It’s a battle out here in the hinterlands…we are doing our homeland proud by waving the Big Blue Flag behind enemy lines! You should show your respect for us TGLEWGTURFHFFC – we are defending the faith in ways you cannot fathom.

    Between sports bars, ESPN3, and paying for the special DirectTV package – I don’t miss a single UK game. I even have the UK license plate holder. So don’t be dissin on those of us that can’t live in God’s country.

  36. Eric

    Great post! Thanks for the laughs.

  37. DEasy

    Quality post and #1…. You suck. Hard.

  38. The Septugenarian

    could you people sit down and be quite.. i cant see the game.

  39. yeah first

    It should be mandatory to throat punch the FUC$S who leave before the final buzzer…. win or lose!!!

  40. walter

    Love this post. You should chronicle Louisville fans similarly. Don’t forget to include the “sure Cards lost to UK, but we play in a tougher conference” and are therefore superior to UK type. (this fan also usually spouts off RPI standings to shore up their team’s inadequacies.)

  41. That UK Guy Living in Phoenix

    I have a UK cap that I wear during basketball season – provided UK is ranked in the Top Ten. Never put it on during football season after we play the cupcakes. I still have that southern drawl. During football season, when people ask me where I’m from, I tell them “Alabama” (or whichever SEC state team is best).