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UofL Scientists May Have Found Cure For March Madness


Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.

According to several people that read something on the internet somewhere, more than 60 million losing NCAA brackets are filled out each year. Of those losing brackets, it’s estimated that 40 million of them were affected by what sports medicine physicians deem ‘March Madness.’ Every year March Madness takes over valuable office time that employees should be spending on work. Symptoms include checking your bracket when your boss leaves the room and bonding with that older coworker you usually disagree with. Until a cure is found, or at least a better form of treatment, March Madness will continue to be the scourge of productive people everywhere.

While every year March Madness seems to take over valuable office time that many employees should be spending on work, it can also take up all the time employees spend checking Facebook when their boss leaves the room. Until a cure is found, or at least a better form of treatment, March Madness will continue to claim time theft victims.

However, one University’s research may have the answer in a trial vaccine that could eliminate March Madness from its campus and the surrounding area for at least the next four years. This past year the University of Louisville has found a way, against all odds, to remove itself completely from suffering any kind of symptoms of March Madness. While the vaccine was free for the fan base, it’s hard to say it didn’t come at a cost. Some point to some small dollar donations given to friend of the University Katina Powell, while others point to a lump sum of around $100,000 being the main cause for the diseases eradication.

Initial doses of the vaccine were perhaps too potent as they attempted to retroactively erase symptoms for test subjects all the way back to 2013. While a connection between this vaccine and autism has not been proven, there seems to be a correlation between this and drinking Canadian whiskey from a purple bag.

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Article written by Harold Leeder