Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.
“The economy around us has changed and we are all making some cutbacks,” Head Coach David Padgett says to his team as he passes out Lean Cuisine meals. “We’ve all had to take pay cuts, everyone in this room, but we can’t let it impact our performance.”
Whenever management is forced to cut salaries there is always a risk that performance will be impacted. And after a devastating 29 point loss to UK over the weekend, it’s become evident that the pay cuts players have taken this year have indeed had a negative effect.
“I was expecting a check,” Senior Clark Vance said. “Instead I got enrolled in a jelly club. 4 years with the University. I’ve gotten a Christmas bonus every year but this one. You don’t want to give bonuses, fine. But when people count on them as their salary, well what you did just plain…” “Sucks,” interjected redshirt sophomore Russ Snelling.
After telling the players that they all just needed to keep working and that he would try to get bonuses reinstated, Padgett left the meeting room and went into the kitchen. He began unboxing those Lean Cuisine Supreme Pizzas where you have to fold the box over to create a cooking surface and started microwaving them two at a time. “We’ve got recruits coming in later,” Padgett said to us, smiling as he fought back tears. “I hope these high schoolers like low cal pepperonis.”