Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.
To quote the Lion King, “the circle of life, it moves us all. Shimnya nabem da dab a da.” The University of Louisville, who used to play their home football games in Papa John’s Cardinal Stadium, removed the pizza mogul’s name from the side of the stadium after the former (you’d assume) best friend of Peyton Manning was outed for using racial slurs on a conference call. But now, the university has found itself in desperate need of around $13 million in order to buy out the contract of head football coach and volleyball enthusiast Bobby Petrino. The only way to raise that kind of money? Sell the naming rights to their football stadium. And, believe it or not, there is only one business owner with that kind of cash mixed with the enthusiasm for Crown Royal required to put their name on a football stadium in Louisville, John Schnatter.
“We are really in a weird spot here,” said a guy who agreed to answer our questions when we asked to speak to ‘not Tom Jurich but whoever the new guy is.’ The spokesperson continued, “we haven’t had to fire a coach for just being bad in forever; it’s usually for some other reason. If Bobby would commit a major NCAA violation or violate ethical and moral codes then we’d still have to give him a third strike but we’d at least be in familiar territory.”
Whoever it was we talked to continued, “the flip side was unprecedented too. We weren’t sure exactly how to broach the subject of offering the naming rights back to Papa John. There are so few cases where rich men have to actually face consequences for their actions, we didn’t know how long we had to wait before calling him or anything. We could find no other cases like this of a rich, white guy doing or saying something terrible and having anything taken away from him.”
The University has not finalized an official offer with the Papa, however, another football loss could speed proceedings along.