Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.
In the unenviable position of defending indefensible acts, the University of Louisville continues its Sisyphean struggle to act like what they allowed to happen was no big deal, and after today’s press conference announcing their appeal was denied it appears the University’s plan of overwhelming the NCAA with scandals didn’t work according to plan.
“Ya’ll ever seen an appeal? They’re super long and boring, and that’s just for one violation. Imagine how much paperwork is required when you’ve broken every rule in the book. Heck we even broke some rules that haven’t even been written yet. The logic is, if you write a long enough story, no one will read the whole thing,” explained the University’s “Compliance Officer” Jeff Smeocan-Gunne. “Why else would we appeal something we admitted to doing?”
Unfortunately for UofL, the NCAA managed to finish reading the documents, and announced their decision this afternoon, “While we found the appeal of our previous decision hilarious, we couldn’t find any merit to it. One page just said ‘Look dude rules were meant to be broken.’”
The NCAA’s spokesperson explained they were kind of getting annoyed with the whole process, but weren’t shaken, “Look the banner is coming down, they should be used to things falling from the ceiling. No but seriously, Louisville your program has a lot of problems and it’s time to take your medicine. Which I’m pretty sure might be Valtrex. I mean you know things are bad when we are living in the participation trophy generation and you can’t even get one of those right now because we’re not letting you even pretend like you participated.”
In response to the decision the University’s future former interim president Greg Postel decided to speak out against the decision, “We believe the NCAA is simply wrong, and these punishments are excessive and downright Ivan Dragonian.”
We reached out to the NCAA for further comment via email, “We have to applaud their efforts, but at some point you have to recognize the difference between getting a standing ovation and getting the clap.”