Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.
Ryan Lemond celebrated America’s independence today the only way he knows how, by winning his 3rd personal hot dog eating contest and beating his own previous record by eating 4 hotdogs and half of a pretty old breakfast tornado at the Speedway on Euclid Avenue.
While Lemond is a champ at home here in Lexington, his numbers don’t quite compare to the competitors in Coney Island, “Sure Joey Chesnut may eat 72 hotdogs, but is he eating them while his wife fills the car up with gas, and thinks her husband is just inside using the bathroom?”
Lemond was able to eat the hotdogs and throw away his trash before exiting the popular off campus gas station, “I mean she’ll never know, unless she checks the debit card statement. Who am I kidding, these are speedway dogs, her and everyone in my house is going to know what happened in about an hour.”
Second shift manager Terry Watson explained that Lemond’s victory comes with an asterisk, “I mean I’ve seen 3 other people eat at least 7 hotdogs at the roller today, although technically we’ll say Ryan won, since those guys should be disqualified because they try and just pay for 2 of them. So at least Ryan’s honest with me, but I wish he hadn’t made a championship belt out of my mustard packets.”