Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.
Kentucky law enforcement officials are celebrating as they finish counting down the minutes for their delivery of fugitive Eric C. Conn and a 2 liter of Sprite. In an arrest order placed by the FBI on June 2nd for the fugitive, Pizza Hut has finally located the order and are delivering him as we speak.
It’s rumored that Conn had been living in a Havana pizza cafe just a few months ago, however Cuban pizza magnate Domingo Digiono refused to deliver the fugitive.
While Conn himself has always been “more of a Papa John’s guy” he’s prided himself on avoiding arrest for just over 6 months. Conn was last seen eating gas station food somewhere in New Mexico, and authorities lost track of him as he neglected to use his speedy rewards card at the time of his purchase.
Authorities had trouble tracking down Conn after receiving what they thought were initially conflicting reports causing a Domino’s effect of confusion. “One minute we’re getting intelligence saying, he’s at the pizza hut,” explained this case’s lead F.B.I. agent Patrick Noid, “The next we’re hearing he’s at a Taco Bell. Once one of our decoders started scanning the reports, we realized Conn was at a combination Pizza Hut and Taco Bell.”
Local La Ceiba Pizza Hut manager PequeÃ±o Ceasar assured reporters that Conn will still be warm when he arrives back on U.S. soil. “We placed him in the insulated pizza bag on behalf of the F.B.I. It’s way more secure than an ankle bracelet.”