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Mitch McConnell Pushes Bill To Legalize Rope


Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell is introducing legislation that will allow states all across the country to legally cultivate their own ropes, especially if those ropes are made from hemp. Whether the purpose of the rope will be for lassoing cattle or whipping enemies of Indiana Jones, producers won’t have to worry about it being illegal when they make it anymore.

Before 2014, rope and its ingredients were outlawed completely in the United States, because Americans thought hippies were awful, and even their jewelry looked a lot like some sort of perfectly harmless drug. However, times have changed, and we’re supposed to respect hippies now, as if they are people too, and it’s not fair for the government to treat them otherwise.

Hemp, often thought of as a gateway rope, has been part of a pilot research program here in the Bluegrass for the last couple years. Believe us, the study was even more boring than it sounds. So as he’s grown tired of hearing about it, and in general is tired because it’s still a few hours removed from his 4 o’clock feeding schedule, McConnell is attempting to have hemp removed from the list of schedule 1 braided fibers by pushing rope through Senate doors.

“Well, my necklace collection just got a whole lot less dangerous,” said one grown man we interviewed who didn’t give us a name but we could identify very easily by the sheer fact that every day he wakes up thinking that putting enough weird smelling oil on his body will help cover up how bad he naturally smells.

“Just think: legalizing hemp and other rope farming could be a big boost to the Kentucky economy, and hopefully help cover some of those 1 percenter salaries we’re paying teachers,” said Governor Matt Bevin’s last supporter Lee Cruse.

If hemp is removed from the controlled substance list, it would be great news for a bunch of people that are best known for not letting the government control them, man.

To keep up with The New Circle Circular, like the Facebook page or follow Harold Leeder’s Twitter Account.

Article written by Harold Leeder

15 responses to “Mitch McConnell Pushes Bill To Legalize Rope”

  1. mcayce

    Sad and goofy-must be your first article

  2. katfan33

    Great article. Hilarious and well done.

  3. ukkatzfan

    Saying goes” give him enough rope and he will hang himself”….. politically speaking that is. Bad guy Son of a Mitch versus the new kid in town wearing his white hat to cover his uneven hair blowing his nose whistle as the first warning that there is a new sheriff in town.

  4. Cousins Fake Tooth

    Funny how you can comment on fake political articles about Republicans…..but articles about Matt Jones running from Politico have comments turned off.

    1. Han

      I just find it sad how many people continue to support undeserving politicians simply because they’re from their party.

    2. chris gettelfinger is not walking through that door

      No comments are allowed on Jonathan Miller’s posts either. When it comes to politics it’s Kommie Sports Radio.

    3. chris gettelfinger is not walking through that door

      And as I’ve said before, it’s Matt’s site so he can do what he wants. I just think turning off comments is gutless. That is all.

    4. ukkatzfan

      Well CFT, glad you think it is funny. You seem to have your panties in a wad otherwise. Hahahahaha. Signed a Republican with a sense of humor. Doubt i would vote for mitch or jones either one. But I will very quickly vote again for President Trump.

    5. ukfan377

      I agree. I find it cowardly to turn off the comments, but that’s ok. If he does run, then he will eventually here the critics and fans alike. I hope somebody does unseat Mitch, but I hope it’s a conservative instead. Sorry Matt.

  5. j4stone

    Way to stay above the fray Matt. You accuse McConnell of being afraid because of their attack and now you have your cronies do this. Who’s afraid now? You want to act like you’re so superior intellectually and morally. Way to go. You said on your show yesterday that you’d talk policy against him anytime. Now you are getting into the weeds. No wonder people don’t care about politics anymore.

  6. Azulgrande75

    Don’t embarrass yourself Matt, your ego is writing checks your body can’t cash! Only hope to unseat Mitch is to run a minority candidate aginst him unfortunately.

  7. TrueBluePhil

    Look, I am not a Mitch supporter but this BS writing is whats wrong with this country right now. You can make over 30,000 different products with hemp and you attack a sitting senator because he wants to bring Jobs and business to kY and the US and you resort to this child like writing.

    Man you are a real low life if this is all you have.

  8. Alleykat16

    This needs to pass and hopefully it can grow into what at one time tobacco was for our farmers. Hemp is a product that can be used for 1000’s of products. Go Hemp

  9. Alleykat16

    Let me say this I’m i no way a fan of Mitch.

  10. Trevathan

    I’ve said many times that I hate our state so much but I really just hate the ignorant people that live in it. That live in a small town bubble that assume issues aren’t happening if they’re not happening to them. Who long for America to turn back into the days they loved the most, regardless of how socially impossible those days were for people who don’t look and act and think just like them. Just a constant state of God-fearing denial and God-dependent outlooks on what the world is and has and will become. Ignorance.