Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.
Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell is introducing legislation that will allow states all across the country to legally cultivate their own ropes, especially if those ropes are made from hemp. Whether the purpose of the rope will be for lassoing cattle or whipping enemies of Indiana Jones, producers won’t have to worry about it being illegal when they make it anymore.
Before 2014, rope and its ingredients were outlawed completely in the United States, because Americans thought hippies were awful, and even their jewelry looked a lot like some sort of perfectly harmless drug. However, times have changed, and we’re supposed to respect hippies now, as if they are people too, and it’s not fair for the government to treat them otherwise.
Hemp, often thought of as a gateway rope, has been part of a pilot research program here in the Bluegrass for the last couple years. Believe us, the study was even more boring than it sounds. So as he’s grown tired of hearing about it, and in general is tired because it’s still a few hours removed from his 4 o’clock feeding schedule, McConnell is attempting to have hemp removed from the list of schedule 1 braided fibers by pushing rope through Senate doors.
“Well, my necklace collection just got a whole lot less dangerous,” said one grown man we interviewed who didn’t give us a name but we could identify very easily by the sheer fact that every day he wakes up thinking that putting enough weird smelling oil on his body will help cover up how bad he naturally smells.
“Just think: legalizing hemp and other rope farming could be a big boost to the Kentucky economy, and hopefully help cover some of those 1 percenter salaries we’re paying teachers,” said Governor Matt Bevin’s last supporter Lee Cruse.
If hemp is removed from the controlled substance list, it would be great news for a bunch of people that are best known for not letting the government control them, man.