em>Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.
Like a newly adopted dog it’s taken some time but Kentucky fans have finally started to get used to the new name of their home stadium ‘Kroger Field.’ However, as many fans will find out in two weeks when they return to the stadium, part of the agreement also allows Kroger the ability to engage in one of their favorite corporate pastimes, rearranging an entire building so that customers are completely lost next time they go in.
“We find that our customers get bored if they come in our stores and know how to find everything,” said Kroger spokesperson Sam Walton (no relation). “If they come in here and know where everything is, they’ll just walk in get their stuff and leave. So to boost profits we move everything around so you have to aimlessly wander the entire store to find bean sprouts or whatever dumb vegetables people are into now. We’re taking that same logic and applying it to Kroger Field. If you have to wander the concourse you’re more likely to buy cotton candy and bottled water.”
“I’m preparing myself for the worst,” said longtime football season ticket holder Kevin Martin. “I wouldn’t be surprised to go to my seat for the Florida game and find they’ve moved the paper towels to that section. You know what? I wish they would reorganize the frickin’ parking lot man. They could make the whole parking lot a round-a-bout and it wouldn’t be half as bad as it was last week.”