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I don’t want to live in a world with five oceans


If you listened to today’s show, you heard me tell the story of how my world was turned upside down while playing trivia last night.

In case you missed it, here’s what happened: I was playing a trivia game that asked me to name the five oceans. I named four oceans — the four I was taught in school and have known my entire life — and then called the question stupid because there is not a fifth ocean. I was sure of it. A fifth ocean? That’s nonsense. What kind of trivia game doesn’t know there are only four oceans? Get outta here with this tomfoolery. Don’t you insult my Earth like that.

Then I was introduced to something called the Southern Ocean and I’ve never been so blindsided. This Southern Ocean thing is an actual fifth ocean, allegedly, and now everything I learned in school is a lie. I don’t know which way is up right now. I don’t know what to believe. I put my blood, sweat and tears into my West Broadway Elementary School education, and now you’re going to tell me it was all for nothing? You’re going to tell me that when my teacher stood in front of a classroom full of eager young minds and said there are four oceans, that I would later find out it wasn’t true? What’s next, huh? Did they make up gravity? Is long division a lie too? Was George Washington even a real person?

I thought we were past this after Pluto was ripped from my nine-planet solar system. I’m just now getting over that one, okay? But the lying didn’t stop there because we now have a fifth ocean and that is unacceptable to me. I refuse to acknowledge the Southern Ocean and its make-believe waters. It’s a sea of lies and fake news.

Read this nonsense Google told me when I demanded the truth:

The Southern Ocean is the ‘newest’ named ocean. It is recognized by the U.S. Board on Geographic Names as the body of water extending from the coast of Antarctica to the line of latitude at 60 degrees South. The boundaries of this ocean were proposed to the International Hydrographic Organization in 2000. However, not all countries agree on the proposed boundaries, so this has yet to be ratified by members of the IHO. The U.S. is a member of the IHO, represented by the NOS Office of Coast Survey.

What a load of crap. I hope the IHO’s stupid Southern Ocean dries up.

I want to live in a four-ocean world and I hope you feel the same. I ride or die with the Atlantic, Pacific, Indian and Arctic.

Article written by Drew Franklin

I can recite every line from Forrest Gump, blindfolded. Follow me on Twitter: @DrewFranklinKSR

9 responses to “I don’t want to live in a world with five oceans”

  1. dgtuk

    Drew: Totally with you….!!!

  2. Han

    Don’t forget they also started using BCE and CE instead of BC and AD.

    1. gobble gobble

      That’s bc religion is stupid

  3. ArmyCatFan

    Hahaha you all cracked me up with this all day today

  4. trey

    Hmm…the horizon line in the picture you used at the top looks incredibly flat

    1. runningunnin.454

      AT Duke, they teach there are only two oceans; and, you can fall off the edge of both of them.

  5. Guy In An Unbuttoned Hawaiian Shirt

    Lesson learned. Never bother learning anything.

    1. BigBlueMeade

      Lesson learned, never stop learning, so as not to fall behind the curve. Be proactive not regressive.

  6. BLUEsky

    This is another glaring example of the “Mandela Effect.” According to some, the Large Hadron Collider on the border of France and Switzerland created a rift in time during one of their experiments, when seeking to access information from outside the dimensions that are currently known to exist, forever changing our timeline to what it is now. Some people are remembering bits and pieces of the former timeline, effectively remembering history slightly different. Of course, this can’t be accurate. Everyone knows that there are, and have always been, five oceans. 🙂 🙂 🙂

    Someone tell Matt and Drew about this. It would make a great fun topic on the show!