Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.
Now that the football stadium has officially been renamed and the ‘Kroger Field’ signage is in place, Girl Scouts have begun setting up their cookie booths near all of the stadium’s entrances as they prepare for a season of guilting fans into buying cookies every time they come to the game.
“I mean I like the cookies and everything but I don’t want to buy them every time I go to the stadium,” said long-time season ticket holder Kyle Trefoil. “I just want to walk into the stadium, I don’t want to have to fend off these poor girls that have been pressured by their parents to approach strange people asking for money while I’ve been drinking in the hot sun all day.”
Other fans felt the cookie booths were a bad idea for different reasons. “This is entrapment!” student ticket holder Caramella D. Lites said. “If I’ve been out tailgating since the sun came up, I’m obviously gonna hand over all of my cash for those cookies. Then I’m going to have to pick up extra shifts at the cafeteria.”
In addition to Girl Scouts outside the stadium, later in the season fans can look forward to pretending not to have any change when Salvation Army bell ringers setup by the entrance. Other changes fans can expect include more crowded concourses on game days as old ladies will be standing in front of concession stands with free sample cups full of olives and employees pulling giant Click List carts clogging up the walkways for fans that want to enjoy the game but don’t feel like coming inside.
Not all of the changes are expected to be negative though. Many are praising the discontinuation of senior discounts, saying it couldn’t come at a better time as most of the offensive line will be playing in the final season this year.