Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.
Human genome researchers announced on Monday that they were finally able to isolate the gene that causes someone to cheer for the University of Florida. Researchers knew there was a genetic defect that caused people to cheer for Florida because, as Gene Watson said, “no one of sound mind and body would do that weird chomp thing so often without realizing how absurd it looked.”
When researchers pinpointed the genetic defect that causes people to cheer for the likes of Joakim Noah they additionally discovered that when this gene was removed, the person not only stopped cheering for Florida, but also felt the need to put on a shirt before going to the Olive Garden.
While this discovery has DNA researchers excited about the possibilities, they did say there were still limitations to what they could uncover. “I don’t believe current science has the capacity to figure out how South Carolina fans are able to get through a single football game with that rooster sound going off every 10 seconds,” Watson said. “It’s beyond our current realm of understanding.”