In the spirit of KSR Kindness Day, I owe you an apology. As you know, I’ve been very cruel to you over the years. Most recently, I was told to stop making fun of you while filling in on The Paul Finebaum Show. Trashing SEC campuses is against the network’s policy, apparently. Who knew?
Before that, you were the butt of many jokes. For instance, I called you the asshole of America on Twitter. I once referred to your sororities as cattle. I also wrote the following description of your university in a game preview of Mississippi State:
Founded in 1878 as the Agricultural and Mechanical College of the State of Mississippi, today Mississippi State University is best known for producing Dak Prescott, the current starting quarterback for the Dallas Cowboys; and for the prominent smell of cow manure steaming from the bottoms of boots, the mud-flaps of trucks, and on the used condoms around campus.
Oh yeah… I’m also sorry for saying Mississippi State’s school motto is Couldn’t Afford Ole Miss. I completely made that up. Mississippi State’s motto is actually Learning, Service, Research. Just wanted to clear that up.
Needless to say, I was way out of line for my past statements regarding Starkville, a city I’ve visited many times. Will I go back? Unlikely. Actually, no; I will not go back. But that doesn’t give me the right to trash your community online and on air, which I have done far too often.
So, please, accept my apology. I was out of line and there is no excuse for my actions. I’m sure there are many people who consider Starkville a lovely place in the Golden Triangle region of Mississippi. It’s a city with so much to offer; from the Ulysses S. Grant Presidential Library to the Cullis & Gladys Wade Clock Museum to the Oktibbeha County Heritage Museum to some other stuff that’s probably cool. It’s also home to my favorite coffeeshop in America, Strange Brew Coffeehouse, and, until recently, my favorite spot for a good cinnamon roll, Marti’s Bakery. You’re going to miss that place.
Moving forward, I hope we can come together and put our contentious past behind us. I want to live a life of being on great terms with Starkville and I hope you feel the same way about me, too. It’s unfortunate it took a kindness holiday for me to extend this apology, but it’s better than never and I’m truly sorry for my actions. You didn’t deserve the slander. You’re a good city. You’ve got good people.
You may not be for me, Starkville, but, hey, at least you’re not Knoxville. That place is trash. I wouldn’t even breathe the oxygen in that sh*t hole of a city if I needed it to survive.