Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.
“The year is 2045. A stack of mobile homes teeters on the edge of architectural art and impending doom as lights brightly flash from inside a home the camera slowly zooms in on. Then a door slaps open and out steps a slick-suited baby-faced John Calipari.” This is the opening to Coach Calipari’s newest book Ready Player One-And-Done. The coach sits on his couch pausing a bootleg copy of the film Ready Player One periodically as he dictates his new book into a handheld tape recorder.
While it’s no sequel, Cal asks his potential readership to, in his words, “think of it as Players First: Coaching From The Inside Out meets Willy Wonka, but like if ol’ Bill only made little candy basketballs.”
This is Calipari’s first foray into young adult fiction, and he promises to have it done in the next couple hours. Booksellers claim they’re seeing pre-orders fly off imaginary shelves. Set in a dystopian future, where collegiate basketball coaches are the most famous people on the planet, ‘Coach Cal’ battles through a fantastic universe filled with 80’s nostalgia and lottery picks to try and grab his 28th and final NCAA Championship.
“You see some evil old NCAA president hid the 3 keys to success around the world, and I,” Cal pauses momentarily to correct himself, “Coach Cal has to find them to unlock the NCAA tournament. I look for players as far away from Kentucky as possible, to help me win it all. I travel around in a flying DeLorean and I end up finding all three keys in this old beautifully written book, filled with videogame-like cheat codes called Success Is The Only Option. Sorry, I promise no spoilers, just DeLoreans and the hearse from Ghostbusters.”
Advanced reader copies have received mixed reviews from critics, as many claim Calipari’s writing style relies heavily on fast cuts and transitions and that, as an author, he lacks the skillset to maneuver during slow-moving phases of the plot. However, Calipari fans are hopeful Scorsese or Spielberg will sign on to direct the film, or as the author himself suggested, “Heck, maybe even that guy that made Hoosiers, Mike Pence.”