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The Interview the CJ Won’t Publish


reporter

In light of the recent allegations involving a certain college basketball coach and Generation Y‘s Hester Prynne, I considered it my journalistic duty to forgo my usual Louisville tirade and delve deeper into the circumstances surrounding their now most infamous encounter. To do so, I was forced to go to a source that, literally, got caught in the middle of all this. On the condition that I would only refer to him under the pseudonym “P”, I sat down with something intimately involved in the entire situation for a little Q and A. The following is a transcript of that interview:

TH: I want to begin by thanking you for taking this time to talk with me. Let me ask you right off, how has all this coverage affected you?

P:Coverage“? Seriously, you’re gonna use the word “coverage“ with me? I didn‘t get one bit of a coverage in all this going all the way back to the moment of impact. I mean, the woman is known as the “Louisville Creamatorium”, home of the ice cream paint job and I went there with nothing. Nothing. If it was yours, wouldn’t you have had it wrapped so tight that Dr. Dre would be sampling from it? It was ridiculous.

TH: You still have resentment for the lack of precaution afforded you and that is certainly understandable.

P: Seriously, you’ve seen this woman‘s photo if nothing else- she oozes instability- she has eyes like Vigo from Ghostbusters II. Success may be a choice; sans protection shouldn’t have been.

TH: I’ve heard some sympathizers say that given her “cougar” attributes, it would have been a tough situation for any man to turn down.

P: That is just false- comparing her to a “cougar” is like comparing Heathcliff to Garfield. Both were played out, with the major difference being that Heathcliff was a distant second in every important category except age. Same with her.

TH: Fortunately, this was just a single lapse in judgment. I’m sure this was just an aberration from the normal routine.

P: You honestly believe that? To use a basketball euphemism, he has taken way more than three teams to the final four. Every class of team too- from UCLA to Southern. Brescia if he thought he could. You guys in the media are too gullible. We’ve been through a lot together, but I’ve been telling him for years, just because there’s a coaching vacancy doesn’t mean you have to fill it.

TH: But, to the subject at hand, you had to at least enjoy some parts of that night.

P: Not true, TH. Simply not true. I had an obligation, but by no means did I enjoy it. I mean, do you enjoy paying taxes? I too was feeling the effects of the vino but not enough to ignore the situation I was being thrust into. To this day, I would rather have gone dumpster diving in a Haitian syringe bin than cross the goal line of the a la carte special being served up that night.

TH: But that said, you were, in fact, able to complete the job.

P: That is true- but not with the level of excitement usually reserved for such occasions. Most times, I reek of virility. That night, it was sort of like putting a drunk to sleep on a waterbed and having him slowly vomit out the side of his mouth. Not good. Not good at all.

TH: After all this, can you reconcile your relationship?

P: I don’t know. I still hang out with him, but I’m not sure we will ever work together in the same way.

TH: Thank you for your time.
I. HATE. LOUISVILLE.

Article written by Turkey Hunter

16 responses to “The Interview the CJ Won’t Publish”

  1. NewWildcatOrder

    Epic.

  2. uktailg8er

    “It was sort of like putting a drunk to sleep on a waterbed and having him slowly vomit out the side of his mouth.”

    That is one of the greatest quotes of all-time.

  3. Chris Minton

    “like putting a drunk to sleep on a waterbed and having him slowly vomit out the side of his mouth.” i may never get that visual out of my head

  4. Arms of Delk Legs of McCarty

    Excellent – “I still hang out with him”

  5. KYStout

    “just because there’s a coaching vacancy doesn’t mean you have to fill it.”

    Well played.

  6. booted

    Unbelievable!!!

  7. blueblooded

    I’m very disappointed TH. You are not any better than the rest of the Lou. media. How could you not ask this source about his health after visiting the Cleveland Clinic a few years back?

  8. Arms of Delk Legs of McCarty

    7 – I heard he went to the Clinic to get things straightened out.

  9. asdfasdf

    Little P

  10. the ghost of Billy Jack Haskins

    newsflash little P has herpasyphagonalits

  11. blueblooded

    I think P was originally worried that he was going to be on permanant disability, but from his quotes in this article, he must have been able to treat it with meds that time. The worst part is that like most people fighting these type of diseases, it looks like P has supplier that is taking him right back into the gutter.

  12. drmarc

    MASTERPIECE!!!

  13. William J. Le Petomane

    Can someone nominate this for a pulitzer? You all know you can’t get the true story from the MSM. Long live the Turkey Hunter’s hate of the filthy cards!!!!

  14. Kige Ramsey

    Turkey Hunter rules

  15. crazycooter

    This may be the funniest thing I have ever read on this site. Seriously.

  16. William J. Le Petomane

    “I would rather have gone dumpster diving in a Haitian syringe bin than cross the goal line of the a la carte special being served up that night.” Also a great line that cannot go unnoticed.