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Rankings Are Out

In honor of Andy Griffith, a post from KSR’s (simpler) past. From July, 2006, Turkey Hunter’s rankings of the women of Mayberry, complete with the original comment section. Notice that back in those days, the only commenters were KSRers and their friends, Mosley, T Walters, Turkey Hunter, Intern, Mike Jones, etc….long time ago, but back during the KSR roots

Okay, the Barney post has stirred up some interest among our readers and I think this debate deserves its own forum. Time to rank the Hotties of Mayberry. The rules are simple: rank the women who appeared on the show in the order of your preference and explain why they deserve their position. I will get the ball rolling and submit my list for debate. Just as in my private life, I am willing to trade looks for, as they say in Animal House, “a certain morally casual attitude”.
Turkey Hunter Top 10

1. Manicurist– I forget her character’s name but she was played by Barbara Eden and brought a whole new level of culture to Mayberry-
Pros: smoking hot, blonde, employed
Cons: no health insurance, fixated on ex, talked nonstop

2. Skippy and Daphne-Fun girls
Pros: always up for good time, most likely to give “E” Entourage moment, Paris and Nicky of their generation
Cons: tendency to want to dance, old one sounded like James Earl Jones

3. Ellie May Walker, pharmacist
Pros: Tall, thin, milkshakes brought boyz 2 tha yard
Cons: Femnazi, wouldn’t give Emma her pills

4. Thelma Lou, Barney’s squeeze
Pros: attractive, had equity/homeowner, red head
Cons: was willing to hook up with Barn, bi-polar

5. Irene Fairchild, county nurse
Pros: hot, blonde, nurse (tough to gross out/access to antibiotics)
Cons: conservative-may refuse to wear nurse outfit at all times

6. Helen Crump, teacher/gf to Andy
Pros: strict disciplinarian/probably into kinky stuff
Cons: bitchy

7. Charlene Darling– member of Darling Clan
Pros: freak, family owned private distillery
Cons: many protective brothers, pretty sure we dated once already

8. Aunt Bee
Pros: Paula Dean in the kitchen
Cons: Paula Poundstone in the boudoir

9. Emma Brand-hypochondriac-
Pros: virtually impossible for unplanned pregnancy,
Cons: old, possibly contagious, drug dependent

10. Malcolm Merriweather, Englishman
Pros: soft presence, delicate features, made sweet newspaper tree
Cons: British, no motorized transportation, Ernest T owned him

Article written by Turkey Hunter

126 responses to “Rankings Are Out”

  1. Intern

    Emma is the type of lass you’d call at 3am for a ‘get-right-quick-fix’. Of course Mayberry didn’t have a cell phone tower so it would be difficult getting a hold of her through the switchboard at that hour. Irene on the other hand is the type you want to have over for Sunday fried chicken, introduce her to your mother and pastor, and then take her on a harmless stroll down to the fishin pond for light pettage.
    And you’re spot on with Helen Crump…definitely a closet freak. She had the badonk before badonk’s were en vogue.

  2. Matt Jones

    Great stuff….I would have put the movie star who came into town on one of the episodes and Barney thought she was into him somewhere on the list…but you still did quite well.

  3. Mosley

    But Helen was uuuugly (May she rest in peace). Have to agree with
    Barbara Eden as Manacurist. I have always had a thing for her, plus,
    if your’re a metrosexual, you can get all the manucures and facials
    that you like (unfortunately, she’s not on anti-psychotics, so that
    rules her out for you, TH).

    I agree that Ellie May was kinda hot, but I think she would be more
    inclined to pick someone off of this list rather than be on it.

    If this were the “More with Less, Less with More” game, is it safe
    to say that Helen get More with Less, and that Thelma Lou gets
    Less with More?

    One last thing, if Tom Gray can come up with stats for these ladies,
    it would be very impressive and might help settle these rankings.

  4. MaconVolfan

    Don’t forget the girl that Andy dated in one episode that could shoot a gun better than he could. That would be hot with the red state demographic. I’m partial to the 3 escaped convicts who kidnapped Barn. Come on, it’s like Caged Heat!

  5. Mike Jones


    I go with
    1) the movie star (good call Matt) Just gave me an Ashley Judd kinda feelin’.
    2) Ellie May, The pharmist (Roy D Mercer anyone?)
    3) Manicurist–I watched “I Dream of Jeanie” every morning (wood) before school.
    I didn’t watch it for Major Healy or Major Nelson either.
    4) Skippy and Daphne– double your pleasure, double your fun.
    5) Charlene Darling– Did the Darling’s band have a skin flute?
    6) Thelma Lou– I always had a little thing for Thelma Lou. As Carl Spackler
    might say, “Oh Mrs. Thelma Lou, you’re a little monkey woman. Yeah, you’re
    lean, mean, and I bet you’re not too far in between are ya. How’d you like to wrap
    your spikes around my…”

    7) The Nurse– I don’t remember her, but I have a thing for nurses in
    general, so I say her next.

  6. MaconVolfan

    Mrs. Mendelbright is an interesting case as well. She’s silly (and most likely loose) when drunk, and she’s easy to con, thus making her easy to love one night, then leave the next morning to ‘join the Peace Corp.’ Plus, as with Emma, little chance of getting stuck with child support.

  7. Duncan Cavanah

    I hereby decree this the best post of all time. I’m ashamed to say
    that I can’t remember this woman’s name, but does anyone remember the
    girl who Andy was seeing when Barney kept butting in to go over and
    eat pizza? Ultimately, as he did with every girlfriend, Barney organized
    an engagement party for them when they weren’t actually engaged, and then
    they made out in the car in front of everyone. Anyway, that girl was the
    hottest. Also, how about Juanita at the diner as a write in candidate?
    I know we never saw her, but when Barney would recite the “Juanite, Juanite
    from you head down to your feet” poem, you knew she was hot.

  8. lexblue

    All I can say is Great Stuff.

  9. Intern

    Also, Ellie Mae’s independence was before her time; and that’s sexy in a Sandra Day O’Conner kind of way. Not many women had the courage to run for the town council back then. Good candidate, poor timing.

  10. Duncan Cavanah

    I can’t beleive I forgot this. There is an episode where a female convict
    is held in the Mayberry jail, and Andy and Barney argue over who will stay
    the night to guard her. Unquestionably the hottest girl in Andy Griffith
    show history.

  11. T. Walters

    I’d have to say that I agree with the manicurist as number one, but that’s because, like Mosley, I’ve
    always had a thing for her. ‘I Dream of Jeannie” is underappreciated for how hot she was in that show.

    But Elle Walker has got to be a close second. Maybe it’s my soft spot for pharmacists, who are by nature
    a very attractive lot, but she’s hot despite that.

  12. Sexual Ninja

    What about Otis? True, he was a dude, but even Tony Soprano said that guys are given a pass when locked up.

  13. Mosley

    I think what TWalters meant to say was that pharmaceutical reps are
    a very attractive lot. Isn’t that the case Mr. Walters?

  14. Matt Jones

    T, as a pharmacist, likely hates reps….in the same way that I hate door to door law salesmen.

  15. Mosley

    That really is what a pharmaceutical rep does in your mind, isn’t it.
    They go from door to door performing the function and dispensing
    the same services as a pharmacist. I like some pharmacists, but
    they clearly aren’t trained as well as pharmaceutical reps. Let’s
    see those 4 years stack up against 8 weeks. SNAP!

  16. T. Walters

    There is generally two types of drug reps. One is the smoking hot, Elle Walker-looking skirt that
    could be selling Shagari’s class notes and I’d buy them. The other is the friendly, typically male,
    type that is good for conversation my not as aestheticly pleasing. Mosley, as we have all read on a
    number of occasions, can be counted on for a good spirited banter.

    We all hate door-to-door law salesmen. I buy my law in bulk at Sam’s like every other flag waving,
    red-blooded American.

  17. Mosley

    I got a good deal on some law from this dude that was selling it
    out of the back of his ’84 Dodge Aries. Come to think of it, some
    of the other things he was selling would qualify him as either
    a pharmaceutical rep or a pharmacist.

    As for your segmentation of reps, I think it’s obvious you feel
    that I fall in the former category rather than the latter although
    I don’t look like Ellie Walker and haven’t worn a skirt in weeks.

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  114. Jakob

    This is exactly what I expected to find out after reading the title Rankings Are Out. Thanks for informative article

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  118. Ironic

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    whether it be Mayberry or KSR. 🙁

  119. Greg

    Barbara Eden was “Ellen Brown”.

  120. Carolina Blue is past tense for CAROLINA BLOWS

    Macon hit it on the head. The girl that showed Andy up with the shotgun was “it”. I think SnNH would admit that he has squeezed out a few to that episode.

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    Great blast from the past.
    Also loved the spam comments.

    Thought about watching Innerspace starring Dennis Quaid & Martin Short, guess I’ll watch Andy Griffith instead.

  122. Dmacky

    Nurse Peggy McMillan would be way up there. But none could top Big Maude that trapped Barney and Floyd in Mr. O’Malley’s cabin.

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  124. brific

    Irene Fairchild was the county clerk, not nurse. There were 2 hot blonde nurses on the show. One, the rich girl, was peggy, played by joanna moore. moore was married to ryan o neal and was the mother of tatum o neal. the other was mary, the one who andy kept trying to get alone but barney kept interrupting.

  125. Steve

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