To the thousands of BBN making their inaugural trip to Papa John’s Stadium this Sunday, please allow me to share some knowledge as to what expect from a UK/UL game presented by the palace that pizza built. I’ve traversed this enemy territory several times before and have some tips for a better experience at our host’s home turf. Before you head out to the game, you are going to need to make sure you dress appropriately.
UK coeds, I love the way you rock it at Commonwealth. Little blue skirts paired with cowboy boots or high heels are awesome. Jeans, snug blue t-shirts, and face stickers- even better. However, on this day, you will need to leave the heels at home. You don’t want to arrive at your stadium seat with your stilettos looking like Foge de Chao skewers of discarded menthol filters. The path leading to the stadium is littered with empties, rolling papers, and “5 core values” but those aren’t nearly as damaging to your shoes. I don’t know if anyone makes a blue and white rape whistle, but if you are parking in the neighborhoods surrounding the stadium, I’d do a quick Google search and get one overnighted.
Guys, pick something beer resistant as Cards fans love to throw their beverage with all the accuracy of a Will Stein slant pattern. In a tight spot with unfriendlies, have some scratch off lottery tickets handy to throw down and distract them.
As you make your way to the game on Sunday, you may be tempted to listen to the home team’s pre-game radio show to get acclimated to the unfamiliar players’ names that will be featured during the upcoming matchup and late night police taserings. During portions of these radio broadcasts, you may hear what sounds to be an individual trying to read something from a teleprompter typed in Wingdings with a mouth full of peanut butter. Welcome to a press conference by Cardinal’s head coach Charlie Strong. Strong is by all accounts a good man and good coach. But, if the last obstacle on Ninja Warrior was clearly pronouncing his own name, Chuck would never reach the finish line. Even Representative Todd Akin would consider what Strong does to the English language as “legitimate rape”. Better to just tune over to Matt.
Upon arriving to the venue, the University of Louisville would like for you to bask in the awe of Papa John’s Stadium, turning a blind eye to the hot mess that is everything else surrounding it. Papa John’s Stadium is beautiful. Papa John’s Stadium is modern. Papa John’s Stadium is the $10,000 tit job on the Janet Reno of college campuses. I’m sure you are used to tailgating in the shade of UK’s arboretum while soaking in the last warm days of summer with a cold cocktail in hand. Leave that mental picture at home. The only people who find the atmosphere surrounding Papa John’s Stadium pleasant worked on the set design of the movie Unstoppable. If red and black adorned trains are your type of thing (I’m looking at you Becca Manns), you will love it. However, if you expect the same type of tailgating experience you’re accustomed to in Lexington, as Al Pacino would say and Pat Summitt would do, “fughetaboutit”.
After you park your vehicle in whatever yard is not yet roped off by crime scene tape, remember to put all valuables in your trunk should you have forgotten to leave them at home. Nothing is sadder than having your GPS stolen by someone who will never, ever leave Jefferson County. If you go ahead and program a “favorite” spot on your system such as a “library”, “graduate school”, or “dentist”, it will make the device easier to track down at pawn shops during the recovery search.
Once inside the stadium, the accommodations are much better. The beer will be flowing, the music will be pumping, and you’ll be so excited about the pending upset you’ll soon forget about the concrete slab you just spent 5 hours sitting on. You will notice the “brass section” of the stadium is no longer reserved for the band but rather the recycling of bullet casings, but other than that, it is not that bad. While the bleachers strongly resemble Arkham Asylum, the occupants of those seats are more “Idiocracy” and less “Fight Club”. With the liberal alcohol policy of the Big East, the only thing you’ll need to flask inside the stadium is Febreze.
With these ideas in mind, you’ll at least have an idea on what to expect on Sunday other than a UK win.
Wear your blue, make a ruckus, and remember, as ALWAYS….I really hate Louisville.