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Hide ya kids, Hide ya wife, TH is Hatin’


turkey

Dear Coach Strong,

Welcome to da ville! Congratulations on taking a job less coveted, but with slightly more drug and violence issues, than mayor of Ciudad Juarez. I noticed you referenced those and other items of concern about your players in your recent “5 Core Values” speech. You do know that President Obama has not yet approved a stimulus package for declaring moral bankruptcy? Next time you quote from a sign hanging in the visitor’s room at Shawshank, you should probably cite your source (APA or MLA style will be acceptable). Is there any criminal act you aren’t worried about your players committing? Were all the “stop snitchin” shirts sold out? Was it going to throw off the numbering to attach the ages of consent in KY and other neighboring states? Tom Jurich is understandably upset that Cal keeps taking Rick’s players but from the sounds of your “pillars” speech, the only person you’re recruiting against is Marlow Stanfield. Good luck with that.

I know this job as a head coach was a long time coming, but given your impressive resume as an assistant, I figured I’d better do some digging to flesh out the reasons why. The consensus was that you interview poorly to quite poorly. Still, the last time I saw a pass over like the one you’ve experienced yearly, a youth-size Egyptian grave was running about 4 goats and doorposts were stained like a Porcini‘s placemat. A return of anonymous surveys among ADs with whom you spoke indicated that your interview believability was somewhere between Casey Anthony and Joran Van Der Sloot, with your likeability well below both. Most indicated that your stories of success had more holes than a Chilean mine shaft and that you likely lacked the requisite skills to even Netflix “Interview with a Vampire”. Next time, remember to speak clearly and concisely, always focusing on the question asked. Also, your diction will be better if you keep Jurich from making tea in your mouth while responding.

Chuck, I know you said that nothing will come between you and success here in Louisville. Just remember, Pitino draws more water in this town, and he comes between anything and everything. However, when the hard times hit, you can always count on the basketball coach for sage advice. Former U of L coach Bobby Petrino sought Rick’s guidance in Atlanta when he encountered a rough patch in his first season there as top dog. As is his standard counsel for sports and parenting, Pitino advised terminating the deal a mere 13 weeks into the process. But, Bubbles gets to coach in a real grown up conference now. Maybe, with a bit of luck, you can do the same.

Again, Charles, I’m sorry about the way this has to be but your move from Florida has taken you from Coke to Crystal Pepsi. You’ve gone from banging the Brittany Daniel of yesteryear to the Brittany Murphy of tomorrow. I appreciate that you wanted to head coach so bad you’ve gone dumpster diving in the Big East but this is the best it will ever be for you here. Just remember, no matter what the score on Saturday, we hate you. When you leave for a real program like say, Mississippi St., after back to back .500 seasons, we’ll talk again.

Regards,
TH

Article written by Turkey Hunter

29 responses to “Hide ya kids, Hide ya wife, TH is Hatin’”

  1. mocha

    very tough job to follow drew’s post but well done sir.

  2. Brittany Murphy

    Too soon, jr

  3. notbillyg

    The satirical lyricist of KSR. Lovely.

  4. ChrisL

    Re: Pitino… Between or in?

  5. macon_volfan

    I liked Crystal Pepsi….

  6. The Rapist

    I WILL GET YOU!!!

  7. ZombieLibrarian

    3 and 6, you’re way off. This was excellent. Well done, TH. I laughed my ass off through the whole thing. That was like a comedy machine gun.

  8. Matt Jones

    Hey folks, dont use the standard of Drew’s on every post. Drew’s was one of the 5 best we have ever had on the site. This post by Turkey Hunter is hilarious as well. Just enjoy and stop trying to be Simon Cowell

  9. mocha

    I mentioned on drew’s post that it was one of the funniest things I have ever seen on KSR, even since the early days.
    I complemented TH on his hatin’ ability above….and I will do so again. Well done TH. Well done.

  10. RussFarmer'sCleats

    Boom. Roasted.

  11. Zach Morris

    Just to revisit some past hate (and past TH brilliance): http://kentuckysportsradio.com/?p=3471

  12. BigBlueBrock

    My god, this is hilarious. I live in Lexington and if I turn my ear west and strain… I can hear Dirty Bird heads exploding in rage.

    Many kudos, TH.

  13. Old Man Brooks

    TH is always brilliant, just have to be able to get his context. Drew’s was excellent, but to see another one of the top 5 click on #11 link. That was so brilliant in earned Lochlan a Turtleneck Jurich timeout.

  14. TH's Mom

    Thanks for filling in for me today Matthew. Your going to make an excellent parent! You’ve got the condescension “thing” down pat.

  15. Michelle Obama

    For the first time in my adult life I am ashamed to be a Kentucky Wildcat fan.

  16. Owen

    Louisville Hate Day is wonderful. And nice reference to The Wire there.

  17. Zach Morris

    15. If you don’t like it you can GIIIIIIIIIIIIT OUT!

  18. Michelle Obama

    17) obviously lack a sense of irony. Also it’s get not git.

  19. freydaddy

    You sir have a job waiting for you at the Comedy Central roast circuit. Hell, if Greg Giraldo can get paid for his crap then your silver tongued beatdowns will send those b-list celebs running for their therapists!

  20. Jimmy McNulty

    Exceptionally well placed “The Wire” reference…

  21. Ted Stryker

    Man I love this website

  22. Jimmy John

    That was cute. But as much as you hate Louisville, please remember these three things.

    In the past 10 years U of L has accomplished the following:

    -We have been to a BCS bowl and won.

    -We have been to Omaha and competed in the College World Series.

    -We have been to a Final Four.

    That makes me smile.

  23. Lori M

    #22 Better save your post. You’ll be cut and pasting it for the next decade or more.

  24. utahdrought

    hahahaha…love the marlow reference

  25. Indycatfan

    OUCH, That stung like a hooker trying to draw a date in an all male gay bar. Well done TH

  26. Deowick

    Wow, a Marlowe Stanfield reference…outstanding. I often thought Mr. Stanfield would most definitely be a UofL fan. Except for the whole Baltimore thing, of course.

  27. Zach Morris

    18. Obviously you don’t understand the definition of irony. Is that you, Alanis Morissette?

  28. Matt C

    Marlo Stanfield. Awesome.

  29. VACat

    Still, the last time I saw a pass over like the one you’ve experienced yearly, a youth-size Egyptian grave was running about 4 goats and doorposts were stained like a Porcini‘s placemat.

    I have laughed for the last 10 minutes at this one line alone. Well done.