Dear Coach Strong,
Welcome to da ville! Congratulations on taking a job less coveted, but with slightly more drug and violence issues, than mayor of Ciudad Juarez. I noticed you referenced those and other items of concern about your players in your recent “5 Core Values” speech. You do know that President Obama has not yet approved a stimulus package for declaring moral bankruptcy? Next time you quote from a sign hanging in the visitor’s room at Shawshank, you should probably cite your source (APA or MLA style will be acceptable). Is there any criminal act you aren’t worried about your players committing? Were all the “stop snitchin” shirts sold out? Was it going to throw off the numbering to attach the ages of consent in KY and other neighboring states? Tom Jurich is understandably upset that Cal keeps taking Rick’s players but from the sounds of your “pillars” speech, the only person you’re recruiting against is Marlow Stanfield. Good luck with that.
I know this job as a head coach was a long time coming, but given your impressive resume as an assistant, I figured I’d better do some digging to flesh out the reasons why. The consensus was that you interview poorly to quite poorly. Still, the last time I saw a pass over like the one you’ve experienced yearly, a youth-size Egyptian grave was running about 4 goats and doorposts were stained like a Porcini‘s placemat. A return of anonymous surveys among ADs with whom you spoke indicated that your interview believability was somewhere between Casey Anthony and Joran Van Der Sloot, with your likeability well below both. Most indicated that your stories of success had more holes than a Chilean mine shaft and that you likely lacked the requisite skills to even Netflix “Interview with a Vampire”. Next time, remember to speak clearly and concisely, always focusing on the question asked. Also, your diction will be better if you keep Jurich from making tea in your mouth while responding.
Chuck, I know you said that nothing will come between you and success here in Louisville. Just remember, Pitino draws more water in this town, and he comes between anything and everything. However, when the hard times hit, you can always count on the basketball coach for sage advice. Former U of L coach Bobby Petrino sought Rick’s guidance in Atlanta when he encountered a rough patch in his first season there as top dog. As is his standard counsel for sports and parenting, Pitino advised terminating the deal a mere 13 weeks into the process. But, Bubbles gets to coach in a real grown up conference now. Maybe, with a bit of luck, you can do the same.
Again, Charles, I’m sorry about the way this has to be but your move from Florida has taken you from Coke to Crystal Pepsi. You’ve gone from banging the Brittany Daniel of yesteryear to the Brittany Murphy of tomorrow. I appreciate that you wanted to head coach so bad you’ve gone dumpster diving in the Big East but this is the best it will ever be for you here. Just remember, no matter what the score on Saturday, we hate you. When you leave for a real program like say, Mississippi St., after back to back .500 seasons, we’ll talk again.