A wise man once said, “If you have hate in your heart, let it out.” Before Kentucky takes on the Tennessee Volunteers, I had to get out all of the hate I have for Tennessee. The list is lengthy, but not long enough.
Tennessee Orange — The color orange is not objectively hideous. It goes great as a trim, a la Auburn, but the Pantone Tennessee chose to use is absolutely disgusting. It burns pupils. Like a hunter’s garb, it’s used to stand out from the crowd, except in Tennessee’s case it’s to tell every outsider, “I cheer for a women’s basketball school.”
The Fulmer Cup — So many Tennessee players used to have run-ins with the law that there’s now an unofficial award given to the college football program with the lengthiest criminal records. Rutgers leads the current standings.
Erik Ainge — The Tennessee quarterback was generous with the football, mostly to opposing defenses. He threw three interceptions against Kentucky in 2007, but that all was outweighed by seven touchdowns. That’s right, SEVEN touchdowns. I learned to hate Tennessee after the 52-50 loss in quadruple overtime at Commonwealth, one that could’ve ended with a UK win in the second overtime. If only Lones Seiber’s potential game-winning kick wasn’t blocked by Dan Williams.
Tyler Bray — You can’t really hate Tyler Bray — after all, he did lose to UK — unless you owned the car he pelted beer bottles with from his apartment balcony.
Peyton Manning — He once tea-bagged a trainer. People forget that.
Derek Dooley’s Pants — I can’t decide what’s uglier, Dooley’s pants or Pearl’s orange jacket?
Entitlement — Tennessee fans believe they are God’s gift to football. They were good when Phil Fulmer was calling the shots. He won a National Championship and had nine ten-win seasons. Since he was forced out ten years ago, Tennessee has not finished in the top 15 or won ten games in a season. A ten-win season isn’t happening anytime soon.
Smoky — Of all the cool dog mascots in the SEC, Smoky is the worst.
Champions of Life — I hate that Tennessee fired Butch Jones, the SEC’s Champion of Life. However, I will thank them for hiring him after the UK search committee decided he couldn’t cut it at Kentucky.
They Some Snitches.
Third Down for What — Lil Jon isn’t even from Tennessee, yet he created an obnoxious third down anthem that rang throughout Neyland Stadium.
Eric Berry — “Third Down for What” isn’t even the worst Tennessee football song. That title belongs to the Eric Berry Halle Berry remix.
Rocky Top — I take it back. Rocky Top is the worst Tennessee song. It’s not just the worst Tennessee song, it’s the worst song ever. When the unending anthem is punctuated by a “WOO!” an angel loses its wings.