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Funkhouser

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The Walking Dead/UK Mashup

The Walking Dead/UK Mashup

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The following piece was guest written by special Funkhouser features writer Brad Morris.

Given the perceived lunacy of the past couple of weeks, (the travel ban, protests everywhere, Patriots coming back in the Super Bowl, Cats losing 3 out of 4, etc.) I felt this is the perfect place to welcome everyone back to the Walking Dead Season 7! This upcoming Sunday, February 12th at 9:00p.m. EST, TWD begins the back half of this years rumblings in the zombie apocalypse. Since the craziness that seems to be around us may point to the beginning of an actual apocalypse, why not compare characters from TWD to players and coaches that may mask similar traits in the real world? I’m not saying this is a literal translation, just a “let’s take a deep breath and laugh” translation. Sound good? Awesome, let’s roll. First in our lineup is….

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Rick Grimes/Coach Cal

Both of these leaders have had it rough in the past. The Sheriff of 2 rabid fan bases. The fictitious leader Rick and our own Calipari have had hordes of followers calling into question their leadership lately. Rick for his blundering around after Negan kills 2 of his crew, and Cal for the lack of rebounding and scoring. But if history serves me correctly, both of these guys know what they’re doing. It’s looked bleak before, but Rick and Cal are survivors who always know how to right the ship. For Rick let’s hope it’s before Negan can find out he’s being hunted instead of being the prey. And for Calipari, let’s pray that the newest “tweak” is just a practice or dream away from changing the direction of this season.

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Daryl Dixon/Malik Monk

The easiest comparison. The heartthrob sharp shooter of each group. In season 7 we’ve seen Daryl have a slump from his shooting prowess, what with being captured and forced to eat Alpo sandwiches at the Sanctuary. For Malik, it’s 47 points against UNC, then 15 points to the belly crawling Gators. The question has been asked, can this UK team win if Monk isn’t scoring? And like our survivors without Daryl, I don’t think the Cats can. So let’s see these guys get their shooting straight, and ride it out to glory for both seasons sakes!

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Glenn Rhee/De’Aaron Fox

Ah, the reliable ones. With these 2, you can always count on them to deliver. For Glenn it’s finding food and medicine, being the guide to getting in and out of places quickly, and being a trusty leader in his own right when called upon. Fox has been that way as well. Not even 100% this past Saturday, with barely any practice time, no team seems to have an answer on how to guard Fox. With his improving jump shot, the SEC better be ready for the blazing Fox of the bluegrass. Unfortunately for Glenn, he’s sitting out for the rest of the series due to lingering effects from a concussion that occurred in the first episode of season 7, and his chances of recovery are grim because of a slight case of death.

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Negan/Bam Adebayo

This was a tough one, or rather these are the tough guys. Negan swings his mighty bat Lucille and has a silver tongue, while Bam swings his hammering dunks on opponents whenever he gets the space. But another fact they have in common is the need for help from other people. Negan can’t be his devilish self without his devoted followers. Bam can’t be Bam without his teammates getting him the ball. Now the difference in these titans are that we want Negan to fail, and we pray Bam will succeed. 2 sides of the same coin with this dynamic duo.

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Merle Dixon/Isaiah Briscoe

Again, tough comparison here. Merle was a conundrum from the beginning. You knew he’d do anything for his little brother Daryl, you just a weren’t sure about the approach he took. From cutting off his hand, to aligning himself with the Governor, Merle made questionable choices during his time on TWD. But in the end you know he always had his brothers back. Same could be said about Briscoe. His brutality going to the rim gets him in trouble sometimes, both with the refs, Coach Cal, and the other team, however at times it works. There have been several games the last 2 seasons where the other team doesn’t have an answer for his wrecking ball style. And he’s on my team and he’s always watching out for his brothers.

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The Governor/Rick Pitino

And last but not least, my favorite comparison of this crossover event. The Governor is nuts, and that’s a clinical diagnosis. Starting with his mosh pit of death, onto his shooting his own followers, and wrapping it up by decapitating Hershel with Michonnes sword. This guy is just begging for someone to axe him, which fortunately happens by that same sword. And his girlfriend had the decency to put him out of our misery with a cue de gra cap in his forehead. Now I’m not saying that’s what should happen to Pitino, far from it. But doesn’t it appear that his time seems to be coming? First Karen Sypher and 15 seconds of unfortunate business, to the grand finale of strippers in Minardi hall squirting to the ceiling. His legacy will be forever shrouded in controversy, and it’ll be a shame, because he DID bring UK back from the brink of death not 26 years ago, and we should be forever grateful he did.

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I hope this parody was enjoyable to digest for you today. If you can’t wait to see Walkers digesting the living, then have no fear! We’re only 7 days away from The Walking Dead returning for the second half of Season 7, with 8 straight weeks of death and destruction in the zombie apocalypse to witness. You can catch it at 9 p.m. EST on AMC. This week also for the next Kentucky Deadcast to pop up with myself and Josh Juckett, as we debate and relive the first half of the season, and discuss what we think may happen the next few weeks. Until then, ta ta…


Santa Clarita Diet

The Solution to the“Drew Barrymore Problem” In Santa Clarita Diet

The Drew Barrymore Principal

Drew Barrymore isn’t my cup of tea.  My frustration with her lies somewhere between I can’t unsee her dancing with a pink feather boa in Never Been Kissed and her refusal to move the entirety of her mouth when she talks.  It doesn’t help that her acting spirit animal is a mediocre drama student.  Barrymore’s acting seems needy.  She tries too hard and it’s is painfully obvious.  It is like the Tom Green-iness never washed off of her.  In Santa Clarita Diet  she stays true to form. Barrymore plays Sheila Hammond, a suburban housewife who inexplicably turns into a zombie.  I found myself liking Santa Clarita Diet despite Barrymore rather than because of her immobile jawline.  The chasm between the cringe and the enjoyment made watching the recently released netflix series difficult.  Until I found the perfect solution.

The Drew Barrymore Solution:

Santa Clarita Diet

Pretend overacting is an inherent trait of all zombies

Tell yourself that a common side effect of being undead is frenetic neediness. Take all of the ticks and habits that make you want to turn off the show and tell yourself, “that’s how zombies are.”  Bless their little black hearts.  Make the paradigm shift in your mind to assume the personality change within the character.  This theory works! For one, the format allows it.  Barrymore is “normal” for only a few minutes at the beginning of the show.  There is not enough footage to truly get a baseline read for what her character was like pre-zombie.  As a viewer, we are safe to assume what her personality was like in order to tolerate what her character has become.

Without this helpful tool you will be stuck watching the rest of the show thinking, “What if they cast Christina Hendricks instead?”  Don’t do that to yourself. It is bad enough that there is one more zombie show on TV.  But seriously, what if they cast Cameron Diaz? Just kidding.  That would be more of the same.

Without the Barrymore Solution in Santa Clarita Diet there are so many nuggets that you will miss. There is the incessant puking that is like Linda Blair with morning sickness at Six Flags.   There is a fun thought experiment about who would you eat, if you had to feast on brains because you are a zombie (the answer is a young, single Hitler.) There is the literal good cop/bad cop setup built into the story because the Hammond’s house is sandwiched between a sheriff and cop’s house.  

The best nugget is the Timothy Olyphant nugget.  Olyphant and his charming whisper of grey hair is the best part of Santa Clarita Diet.  He is always game to solve problems for his needy wife. He’s a terrible liar, but he lies anyway.  Shelia’s jokes are terrible but he laughs anyway.  He would literally kill a young, single Hitler for Sheila.  He is way more attractive than that creepy stalker routine Christian Grey does.    

The zombie horror genre has been tapped out.  Before we put it to bed with one final knife to the earhole, give Santa Clarita Diet another try with a skewed perspective.


Mad Props for The Walking Dead

Mad Props for The Walking Dead

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When the Superbowl does not have a team or storyline I’m interested in then the only thing that keeps me engaged is my annual prop bet challenge with one of my friends.  Every year we pick 21 prop bets and it is easily the most exciting part of the increasingly over-produced game.  As we turn the calendar past football season we have some things to look forward to, like the return of The Walking Dead this Sunday.  Like many of you, I felt the show once again bogging down during its first half run.  In true Superbowl fashion, I have decided to spruce things up a bit.  Below are 11 prop bets for the mid-season premiere to help generate some excitement for an episode which could be great but could also end up being another hour of the waiting game.  Remember, always bet responsibly and if you ever sing the national anthem at the Superbowl, wear something nicer than jeans.

  1. Number of settlements visited in this episode: O/U 4.5
  2. Number of walkers killed: O/U: 5.5
  3. Number of humans killed: O/U 2.5
  4. Length of time before first kill (walker or human): O/U 10.5 minutes
  5. Number of people who cry in the episode: O/U 5.5daryl-walking-dead-depression-113366
  6. Times you want to personally punch Carl in the face: O/U 3.5
  7. Will Negan kill someone: Yes/No
  8. Will we see Shiva (the tiger): Yes/No
  9. Number of times Glenn/Abraham are brought up: O/U 3.5
  10. Which gets more kills: Guns or other
  11. Who looks more alive: the first group of walkers shown or the Falcons fans at the end of the Superbowlfalcons-fans-750xx3166-1783-1038-0

Not To Be Outdone, Coach K Documentary ‘The Babadook’ Hits Netflix

Not To Be Outdone, Coach K Documentary ‘The Babadook’ Hits Netflix

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There’s no denying that Coach Mike Krzyzewski is one of the preeminent coaches in men’s college basketball.  Under his reign at Duke, the Blue Devils have been quite dominating and down-right frightening, winning an impressive five NCAA Championships, as well as appearing in twelve Final Fours in the past thirty-seven years.  Despite the success, Krzyzewski had to adapt both his coaching style and more importantly his recruiting efforts to match Kentucky’s John Calipari—one of his fiercest rivals—who ushered in the one and done phenomenon, which is being showcased in the upcoming 30 for 30 documentary One and Not Done on April 13th.  For years, Coach K didn’t do much to hide his anger, demonizing Calipari’s system and tormenting anyone who refused to believe that Cal’s process, was doing anything but ruining college basketball.  But after seeing highly talented kids choose Kentucky over Duke again and again, Coach K, who for years shunned the method, finally embraced Cal’s strategy, finding an eerily similar but uniquely bizarre and infernal recruiting practice that’s rarely been talked about—until now.

Krzyzewski is a polarizing figure to say the least.  Fans adore him, while his opponents, and maybe even his players, fear and despise him.  Yet, as we see in the documentary about him, it’s that very hate and vitriol which feeds him towards his relentless pursuit of perfection.  Little is known about how hard he recruits, that’s because he’s extremely guarded about what transpires during these in-home meetings.  Apart from a few individuals within his inner circle, no one really knows the one big secret he shares with every family that ultimately gets them to commit to Duke and not Kentucky.  The new 30 for 30 documentary on Netflix, provides a very intimate look at the man, myth, and legend of the prestigious coach, taking audiences behind the curtain, revealing never-before-seen footage, exposing that he’s not only a master recruiter, but also that he’s actually a shape-shifting demon known simply as The Babadook.

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As strange as this may sound, many simply scoff at the notion that Coach K is a Jungian-type shadow monster—the man is considered by many as “The Father of Duke Basketball” winning five championships after all.  But there’s some evidence in the movie that proves otherwise.  In fact, as we learn from the film, Coach K relishes in this moniker and asks families to affectionately call him “Papa Duke”.  Because of his odd manner of speaking, this is often misheard, as “Baba Dook”, hence the name.  Also unusual, during each official trip, he patiently stands in the doorway of the home and won’t enter until being explicitly asked inside.  This is key, he MUST be invited in.  Once inside, though, he never really leaves.  After dispatching with the normal pleasantries and impersonal chit chat, Coach K abruptly asks the family if they’ve prepared his bowl of worms.  While many families find this unusual, it’s actually tame compared to the demands of other suitors, so most oblige.  Interestingly enough, on the other hand, Calipari is brutally honest with his recruits telling them emphatically:  “You’re going to work harder than you ever have in your life.  If you don’t want that, don’t come to Kentucky!”  Nevertheless, once satisfied with the offering, Coach K presents the coveted Duke recruiting packet, which includes a customary campus map and some history on the program and school, various pamphlets on student services and financial aid, and finally a small booklet with a weird figure on the cover.  It’s this booklet which always intrigues families the most. Many if not all, fixate on it.  Sensing this, Coach K leans back in his chair and encourages the family to open the tiny book and recite the poem aloud.

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“If it’s in a word or it’s in a look
You can’t get rid of Papa Duke

If you’re a really clever one,
And you know what it is to see,
Then you can make friends,
With this special coach,
A friend of you and me.

His name is Papa Duke
And this is his book.

A whistling, rumbling sound then,
Three sharp knocks,
pa-PA-pa DUKE!  DUKE!  DUKE!
That’s when you’ll know that he’s around,
You’ll see him if you look.

This is what he wears on top,
He’s funny, don’t you think?
See him in your dorm room at night,
And you won’t sleep a wink.

I’ll soon take off my funny disguise,
Take heed of what you’ve read…
And once you see what’s underneath,

You’re going to wish you were dead.”

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It’s at that moment when Coach K reveals his true form to everyone in the room!  As they scream AAAAHHHHHH DEAR GOD!!  WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU?!?  PLEASE DON’T KILL US!! and recoil in terror, he seizes on the opportunity to use their fear against them and in their panic they sign their soul—I mean, commitment letter to Duke—and before the ink dries he turns back into his normal smug looking self.  He immediately stands up, shakes hands, bids his adieu and leaves without another word.  Could this ritual explain the reason why he’s recruited sadistic players who exhibit sociopathic behavior and the fact that former players rarely talk about him after leaving the program?  The Babadook is a terrifying look at a complex and driven man, hell-bent on winning.  Before the credits fade, Coach K says, “I think you’re not a human being unless you have doubts and fears.”  Fear, that may sum it up, but that still doesn’t explain why parents and players continue to leave bowls of worms in their basements.


The Entertation Index: Jan 30 – Feb 3

The Entertation Index: Jan 30 – Feb 3

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Each week KSR’s Funkhouser collects the best of pop culture. The Entertation Index collects the best of the week for your consumption.

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Beyonce – On Wednesday, singer Beyonce announced that she was pregnant with twins. On Thursday – like one tends to do, the day after announcing pregnancy – she released an entire photo album of herself pregnant. Jay-Z could not be reached for comment as he was busy planning five year-long tours in a row.
Link: Beyonce Just Dropped a Pregnancy Photo Album

Depp, Johnny – After suing his management group for mismanagement of funds. actor Johnny Depp’s management team countersued with allegations that Depp refused to take their advice warning against the purchase of excessive goods including 45 luxury vehicles, $30,000 a month on wine, a Kentucky horse farm, multiple Los Angeles homes, a chateau in France and an entire chain of islands in the Carribbean. What does all of this mean for us? Mortdecai 2!
Link: Depp’s Financial Saga Deconstructed

 

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Dog, Triumph the Insult Comic – Following the inauguration of our 45th POTUS, Conan O’Brien released footage of venerable entertainer Triumph the Insult Comic Dog chatting with both supporters and detractors in another great segment from the character.
Link: Triumph Attends the Inauguration 

Gaga, Lady – Sunday night sees eccentric singer Lady Gaga hosting the Super Bowl halftime show, where she has promised to press will feature a “message of inclusion” meant to unite people. She has a long way to go if she thinks she can bring people together more than the 1999 Halftime show of Gloria Estefan, Big Bad Voodoo Daddy and tap-dancer Savion glover did.
Link: Lady Gaga Hopes her Super Bowl Performance Will Unite People 

Jenner, Kylie – On Wednesday model and Keeping Up with the Kardshians star Kylie Jenner kept her social media followers updated on her meeting with Hollywood’s Madame Tussaud’s Wax Museum, where the institution worked on the model’s new wax figure. Then, in a hilarious turn of events, the wax figure was accidentally returned to Jenner’s home while Jenner herself was placed on display, where she has remained for the past two days.
Link: Behind the Scenes with Kylie Jenner’s Wax Figure

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Rogers, Mister – A Pittsburgh man has intitiated a petition to rename the city’s airport after Fred Rogers of Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood, a seminal program from many adult’s childhoods. Though the petition would change the name of the airport, travelers would still be expected to remove their shoes and cardigans while passing through security.
Link: Pittsburgh Starts Petition to Rename Airport After Mr. Rogers

Schwarzenegger, Arnold — see: Trump, Donald

Trump, Donald – This week’s National Prayer Breakfast saw President Donald Trump asking attendees to pray for new Apprentice host Arnold Schwarzenegger’s low ratings of late. We haven’t seen a move like this since 1992, when George H.W. Bush’s request for prayers landed Hangin’ with Mr. Cooper a deal for three more seasons.
Link: Trump Digs in on Feud with Schwarzenegger The Hill 

 


Guaranteed Best Super Bowl Commercial of 2017: Marshawn in Scotland

Guaranteed Best Super Bowl Commercial of 2017: Marshawn in Scotland

Marshawn Skittles

There is already a clear winner for best Super Bowl commercial. The footage of Marshawn Lynch literally and figuratively pedaling Skittles in Scotland is already the front-runner.  Throughout the three minute promotion for Skittles, Lynch meets with some of the “real Houston” locals to discuss their love of Skittles and the Super Bowl.  

 

The commercial makes a loose connection between watching football and the need to have a bowl of Skittles near.  I anticipate that the actual prime time commercial will be even better.  Here are a few reasons why….

  1. There are many phrases from the video that we need to pepper into our everyday life.
  • “I ain’t seen no castle before”
  • “Eleven-sixteen? That sounds like what time it is right now”
  • “Them thangs real, bruh.”
  • “I got my good eye on you, boi.”
  • “Ridiculous o’clock?”
  • “Put it together and let it ride.”

     2. Skittles are Nasty, but Lynch is a natural salesman. 

Seeing all that rainbow colored signage makes me want to purchase a bag of Skittles, even though I know they are garbage.  The yellow pieces are laced with Pine Sol and the remnants get stuck in your teeth for weeks.  Marshawn’s love for these rancid M&Ms makes my easily manipulated consumer brain think, “Well, maybe I should give them another shot.”  They’re still gross. They’re still shaped like Leprechaun scat. They’re still not worth eating, but Lynch make me think otherwise.

  1. Marshawn Lynch’s life story is the greatest story ever told.

I am forever thankful for Skittles because they introduced me to the rabbit hole that is Marshawn Lynch’s life story.  There are so many nuggets (or pellets, as you will see) of information that seem too amazing to be true. It might be the greatest story ever told and the only reason I heard about it was because of a non-fruit “fruit” snack.

For Example, when little baby Marshawn Lynch was born he was supposed to have a twin.  They know this because when he was born, another placenta came out.  The midwife looked to Mama Lynch and said “Don’t be surprised if he is as an amazingly strong child.” What happened to the other child? Why is this not addressed?

 But wait! It gets better, according to this article:

 When Marshawn was 12 or 13, we’d go to his games and I’d always have little candies in my purse,” Lynch’s mama explained. “Before the game, I would say, ‘Here Marshawn, come and get you power pellets.

 I just love this story.  Like Betty White in Lake Placid, She is feeding her son, not just feed him but to help him get bigger and destroy other things. 

The whole thing seems made up, but when you watch the commercial it seems totally plausible.  The combination of Marshawn “Beastmode” Lynch and Skittles “kernels of nature’s earwax” is the perfect combination.  We just need to put the two together and let it ride.


12 Books To Help Parents Explain The Trump Presidency To Their Kids

12 Books To Help Parents Explain The Trump Presidency To Their Kids

Young people, especially those in the grade-school to pre-teen years possess tremendous intellect and a burning desire to talk about current political and social issues like: voting, war, gas prices, health care, the environment, immigration, education, and government with their parents.  In fact, a recent study suggested that many kids are not only “very interested” in talking specifically about President Trump but also “extremely anxious and concerned” about how his administration’s policies might have an impact on their lives and the direction of our country over the next four (maybe eight) years.  They’re not alone, adults—including many who voted for him, feel those same fears and uncertainties too.  Therefore, it’s not surprising that many parents simply feel uncomfortable or unprepared to engage in dialogues with others, let alone their own children, on such matters.  Regardless, if you’re struggling to find an avenue to initiate the conversation, keep in mind your discussion should always be positive and assume the other person is coming from a good place.  Parents in particular, should also encourage their kids to be respectful of other people’s opinions, yet be skeptical and objective—developing their own critical thinking skills while at the same time empowering and encouraging their young ones to get involved on issues they are passionate about.  Reading books with your kids can help, but just remember, powerful messages oftentimes reside in the simplest of places.  Today, I offer 12 children’s books, to help parents explain the Trump presidency to their kids.

 

(1)

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“Just because it’s right for me
Doesn’t mean it’s wrong you see
But when it’s your turn to have a go
I get quite vexed don’t you know
Calling you a phony and all sorts of names
Which makes me look rather silly
And in the end, really, really lame”

(2)

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A fable about critical thinking.

(3)

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Polly Gonn is afraid of the dark.  Therefore it’s not unusual that when the lights go down, her anxiety surges.  She imagines all sorts of scary things like ghosts, zombies, liberals, or monsters waiting to jump out of the shadows and even boogeymen hiding under her bed.  Polly soon learns how to overcome her irrational fears, but in doing so, she discovers that the real darkness exists inside of her.

(4)

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“And here’s my secret” said the sly Fox, “What is essential is invisible to the eyes.  You shouldn’t always go by what comes out of his mouth, rather look at what’s in his heart.”

(5)

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A wordless picture book about gloating siblings who revel in tormenting Hillary-loving snowflakes all over their town after the election.  You win some and sometimes you lose…really, really, badly.  Sure to delight.

(6)

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Science, schmience.  Utterly infallible, clearly verifiable, factual data and information?  That’s bunk kids. Bunk!  This book gives young kids a fun and exciting opportunity to conduct their own “alternative” truth experiments at home.  When some uppity know-it-all starts trying to mess with your megula-umbilica, remember what Francis Bacon said, or was it Jerry Bruckheimer…”It’s not a lie, if YOU believe it!”

(7)

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A collection of short stories about friendship, involving two life-long cronies.  They enjoy celebrating birthdays, going swimming, baking cookies, flying kites, and from time-to-time, either terrorizing people at political rallies or harassing and trolling fair-minded, democracy-loving, uniquely diverse mammals on the internet from the comfort of their miry home.

(8)

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No urban legends here.  Just mostly true tales.

(9)

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Is it an allegory about the precariousness of power, the divisiveness nature of politics, or a story about a clumsy, thin-skinned bad egg with a fragile ego?  However you interpret it, history shows that building emotional and physical barriers between people and places is messy, and oftentimes the damage done is irreparable.

(10)

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Eight.  Long.  Years.  Llama and his mama are mad and maybe rightfully so.

(11)

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Even in the kid’s section, this dystopian classic is flying off the shelves!

(12)

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 Sorry folks, America’s Closed!  The Lady out front should’ve told ya.


Funkhouser’s 2017 Royal Rumble Pool Entrants

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We’re just a couple of hours away from the big Royal Rumble match.  Below are the spots in which everyone was put into for the Royal Rumble Pool.  Just a reminder: If your entrant number wins the Royal Rumble match, we will go by the tiebreakers to see which individual person will win the KLASK board game as the grand prize.  The person with the entrant number with the most eliminations will go through the same process to find out who will win the Codenames game!

One note… The way we count eliminations in our pool goes as follows: We do percentage eliminations.  So if two people eliminate a wrestler together, they get .5 eliminations.  If it takes four people to eliminate the big show, they will each get .25 eliminations.  This way, the total number of eliminations will equal 29 at the end of the night.

UPDATE: The Winner of our Royal Rumble Pool is Jordan Willis.  The runner-up had Braun Strowman, serving up the most eliminations.  Patrick Logsdon said the most eliminations by one person would be 5, closest to Strowman’s 7, so he wins the runner-up prize.  Thanks to everyone for participating.  I will contact the winners in the morning.

This table will get updated throughout the event, so if you can’t watch, you’ll still get to see what your entrants are doing!  Feel free to comment below or tweet at @KSRWrassleTalk on Twitter.  Happy Rumbling everyone!

Entrant # List 1 List 2 List 3 Wrestler # of Eliminations
1 Thomas Campbell Chance Calton Dustin Lueker  Big Cass
2 Mark willis Brandon Bailey jeremy sult  Jericho  2
3 Justin Fischesser Kenneth Price Blank  Kalisto
4 Craig Clark Andy Bass Blank  Mojo Rawley
5 Ben Stratton Bernie Stevens Blank  Jack Gallagher
6 Sammy Woodson Marc risinger Blank  Mark Henry  1
7 patrick logsdon Todd barboza Blank  Braun Strowman  7
8 Phatnutz5 Matteo Vallejo Blank  Sami Zayn
9 Matt hoverter Dustin H Travis Brueggemann  Big Show
10 Matt Zeb Coldiron Nick Dufrene  Tye Dillinger
11 Brandon Napier Cruz Brown Shane Kinzer  James Ellsworth
12 Lincoln McLeod Jackie Mosley Blank  Dean Ambrose
13 Scott abney Adam Shahzaib Khan  Baron Corbin  1
14 Josh Hammond Jeff Hyde Blank  Kofi Kingston
15 Clay Bell darren Blank  The Miz
16 John Day Justin Elmore Blank  Sheamus  1.5
17 James Ball Parker Riddle Brian Howard  Big E
18 Josh Hamperian Danny Adams Blank  Rusev
19 Chelsea Murphy Josh Potter Blank  Cesaro  1.5
20 Corey Young Lynn Bernard Blank  Xavier Woods
21 Michael York Eric howe Blank  Bray Wyatt
22 Jay Winkler Kayla M Robert Bates  Apollo Crews
23 Jordan willis Ryan Applegate Blank  Randy Orton  1
24 Dwayne Hadley russ mullins Blank  Dolph Ziggler
25 Kevin McGuffey nate Blank  Luke Harper  1
26 Chris Grove Bryan Dowell Blank  Brock Lesnar  3
27 Pat Cowley John Tyler Blank  Enzo Amore
28 Adam Wallace Paul Maddox Ryan P  Goldberg  3
29 James Cottle Nick Fulkerson Clinton Ratliff  Undertaker  4
30 Patrick logsdon Tyler Reed Blank  Roman Reigns  3

Two men who enjoy Victorian adventure-based literature.

FAQ: Kansas

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What is Kansas?

Great question. Kansas became the thirty-fourth state of our Union in 1861. It is located centrally in the United States, where it is shaped like an Amazon box damaged in the truck and is regularly prone to violent tornadoes which may or may not yield passage to fantastical lands. It is taken from the Sioux word “KaNze,” which means “Grace Under Fire Marathon.”

So who are the Wildcats playing this weekend, then?

I know. It is confusing that we just keep referring to University of Kentucky’s opponent simply by the entire state’s name, especially since other basketball powerhouses MidAmerica Nazarene University, Barclay College and something called Friends University. We’re talking here about the University of Kansas, and their men’s basketball team the Jayhawks.

Oh, I know the Jayhawks. I kinda liked their album Smile, but felt like they were kind of emulating Wilco. Too poppy. I prefer their earlier stuff.

No, not the band The Jayhawks. The team. The basketball team.

Oh, okay. What’s a Jayhawk, anyway?

A Jayhawk is thought to be the quarrelsome combination of the blue jay and the sparrow hawk, both aggressive birds. That’s the reason the threatening moniker was chosen for the athletic program

That bird wears shoes. Birds don’t wear shoes. That bird is, like, half shoes.

That’s true. It’s kind of weird. I think it’s just an artistic representation.

What do I need to know about these “Jayhawks?”

Kansas is the second-winningest Division I basketball team of all time; the first is Kentucky. They’re coached by the Bill Self, who definitely has hair. Look; you can see it. See all that hair? He totally has hair. It’s very obvious. Beautiful, natural hair. Why would anyone think otherwise, right? I mean, it’s plain to see.

Oh, I’ve heard about this team and university. Are they good?

Yes, they’re very good. They beat Emporia State! And Washburn! And some other good teams. But those two are the big wins, I think we can both agree.

Kansas plays at Phog Allen Fieldhouse. Who was Phog Allen?

Phog Allen was a wealthy man of leisure in 1873 who, along with his daring valet Passepartout, accepted a £20,000 wager that he could circumnavigate the earth in eighty days. The basketball arena is a lasting memorial to his amazing deeds. A statue in front of Lippincott Hall on campus, in fact, depicts two men discussing how much they enjoy the book of his journey.

Two men who enjoy Victorian adventure-based literature.

Two men who greatly enjoy Victorian travel-adventure literature.

What is life like on Kansas’ campus?

It’s a simpler time in Lawrence, Kansas. Each student gets up in the morning and drinks a cup of coffee on the porch as the faint sound of crickets die away with the rise of the sun. Then he counts his head of cattle and makes sure none of the fences need patching; sometimes he goes into town to see about some feed from Montgomery Ward. Round five o’clock it’s time for supper, and then he enjoys a pipe in his chair as he reads the family bible. After four years of this, you get a degree. Then, one day, you die.

All we are is dust in the wind, huh?

Nope. I got through this entire piece without a Kansas-the-band joke and I’m not going to start now. Good day, sir.


Funkhouser Predicts: Royal Rumble 2017

Funkhouser Predicts: Royal Rumble 2017

rumble

We’re just two days away from what is, arguably, the greatest pro-wrestling night of the year.  Sure, you can have your Wrestlemania or your NJPW Wrestle Kingdom (BTW, go watch Kenny Omega vs Kazuchika Okada from WK11, now.  I’ll wait…).  But, the excitement that comes from the Royal Rumble match itself, makes Royal Rumble PPV like wrestling Christmas for someone like me.  The past six months or so of WWE have seen a big shakeup, especially with the Raw/Smackdown brand splits (Team Blue all day), and have led to a modicum unpredictability of what the Wrestlemania card might look like in a month’s time.

As always, we thought at Funkhouser that we would predict the outcomes of the matches happening at the four (yes) four hour Royal Rumble event.  Josh and I, along with debuting pro-wrestling prognosticator Jay Winkler, try our hands at figuring out what the hell is going on.  Who will make more correct guesses on a scripted sporting event?  Only time will tell.

Before our predictions, be sure to sign up for the 4th Annual Funkhouser Royal Rumble pool contest!. It’s free to enter and you could win some fun prizes.  It’s a great way to watch the Royal Rumble which gives you added interest in wrestlers you might not have cheered for before.

Click Here to Enter the Funkhouser Royal Rumble Pool

Now, for the predictions!


Tag Preshow

Cesaro & Sheamus (c) -vs- The Club (Gallows & Anderson) – Two Referees – Pre-Show

Richmond: I, as well as anyone who has been watching WWE for the past 12 months, feel sorry for The Club. They left NJPW for WWE at the height of their popularity, having been in The Bullet Club with Finn Balor, AJ Styles & Kenny Omega.  Now they’ve been a ‘dominate’ tag team in the WWE who really has nothing to show for it.  They really deserve more accolades in the WWE for what they’ve gone through, but I don’t think they’ll get it here.  With a two referee stipulation here, I see one ref having the champs win, the other having The Club win, and we’ll settle it in the post Rumble Raw on Monday night.  I’m calling a Draw, but it is weird that Sheamus and Cesaro are announced for the Rumble, but the Club isn’t.

Jay: Look, The Club is fantastic, and they deserve better than to win the belts on the pre-show. So I’m predicting Sheamus and Cesaro beat them on the pre-show. Yippee.

Josh: Sheamus and Cesaro


Banks Jax

Sasha Banks -vs- Nia Jax – Pre-show

Richmond:  Sasha Banks had a hell of a 2016, concluding with her WWE Women’s Championship win over Charlotte in a Falls Count Anywhere match on Monday Night Raw in November.  Of course though, Charlotte won the title back on the December PPV, because, records…  So, Sasha has stepped aside for Bayley to take on Charlotte, but needs a new feud.  How about relative of The Rock (not Roman Reigns) Nia Jax.  Jax was a bulldozer in NXT, but couldn’t win the big ones, so she came to Raw and started taking out the smaller women. Can Jax defeat The Boss?  I’m going to say no, mainly because the pre-show needs a crowd pleasing win to cheer up the crowd before the actual PPV.  Sasha Banks wins via something Eddie Guerrero would have done…

Jay: Pretty sure Nia has yet to lose on the main roster without any kind of interference. Since I don’t picture anyone coming to Sasha’s aid, I’ll take Nia Jax.

Josh: Sasha Banks


Womens 6

Becky Lynch, Nikki Bella & Naomi -vs- Alexa Bliss, Natalya and Mickie James – Pre-Show

Richmond: I honestly don’t have much to say about this one.  I think given the time, we should have had Bliss vs Lynch on the main show to rival Charlotte vs Bayley, but alas, we don’t.  Naomi called out Alexa Bliss on Smackdown, Mickie James cost Becky the Smackdown Women’s title, then Nikki/Natalya cancel each other out.  So, because this is non-title, I see Naomi pinning Alexa Bliss to win for her team.  Side bet, these six will be in a women’s Elimination Chamber match next month at the Smackdown Exclusive PPV.

Jay: Mickie James didn’t exactly get a hero’s welcome upon her revealing as La Luchadora, but I still expect Bliss/Natalya/James to pick up the win here. Plus, Alexa Bliss is the GOAT.

Josh: Alexa Bliss, Natalya & Mickie James


Swann Neville

Rich Swann -vs- Neville – WWE Cruiserweight Championship

Richmond:  If you have been snoozing during the Cruiserweight matches on Raw, you’ve been missing out. Also, you should really be watching 205 Live on the WWE network, which has had some pretty good wrestling on it, and ALICIA FAWWWWWXXXXXXX.  But the best thing that could have happened for 205 Live and the Cruiserweight division is the return of Neville.  Neville is miffed because he wasn’t included in the Cruiserweight division debut, and has deemed himself ‘King of the Cruiserweights’.  Angry Neville is the best Neville, and has turned 205 and the division up 10 notches.  Neville wins this one, which might be contender for match of the night if given the time.  BRING HIM HIS CROWN!

Jay: I love Angry Neville. I popped HARD when he came back at Roadblock, and I think it would be best for everybody involved, minus Rich Swann, for him to take the Cruiserweight Championship in dominant fashion. And I think he will. Neville wins.

Josh: Neville


Charlotte Bayley

Charlotte (c) vs Bayley – WWE Raw Women’s Championship

Richmond: Betting money says Charlotte wins this one, mainly because she has never been defeated in a championship match on PPV.  That hat streak holds up here, only to be broken by Bayley at Wrestlemania.  We’re going to get a pretty good match here, hopefully without any Dana Brooke run-ins, but that’s not guaranteed.  The only other acceptable option is if the match is a no-contest when Bayley gets tangled up by two of her wacky-waving-inflatable-arm-flailing-tube men during her entrance.

Jay: Charlotte’s PPV streak is probably destined to end at WrestleMania. By that logic, Charlotte retains at the Rumble. All I want at WrestleMania is Sasha vs. Bayley 3, but alas, WWE loves a good streak, so don’t count on the underdog victory here.

Josh: Charlotte


KO Reigns

Kevin Owens (c) -vs- Roman Reigns – WWE Universal Title – No DQ/Jericho in a Shark Cage

Richmond: That damn Shark Cage (TM).  Look, I get that we want to sell the shark cage playset, but we did that at the last NXT Takeover with TM-61 vs Authors of Pain.  It had a nice throwback to Paul Ellering’s past shark cage appearance, and TM-61 is cool enough to do flippy stuff off the scaffolding. Here, it just seems forced and that never makes for a good wrestling stipulation.  A reasonable person would look at this and go, Roman Reigns wins, because… Roman Reigns.  But, because this is now no-DQ, the advantage swings to Kevin Owens, who could walk away the victor.  This is a tough one to call, I’ll say Kevin Owens, but he doesn’t make it to ‘Mania with the title.

Jay: I’m inclined to believe that somehow, someway, despite being suspended in a shark cage above the ring, Chris Jericho will find a way to help his best friend, KO. Throw in the No DQ stipulation, and that’s a recipe for a Kevin Owens win. Keep hope alive.

Josh: Roman Reigns


AJ Cena

AJ Styles (c) -vs- John Cena – WWE World Heavyweight Championship

Richmond: This has been one of the best built matches I can remember in quite some time.  AJ Styles defeated John Cena at Summerslam last year, leading Cena to disappear for a bit and Styles to become “The Face That Runs The Place/The Champ That Runs The Camp”.  John Cena returns to put everyone on notice that he wants to tie Ric Flair’s 16 Time World Championship record, which is a road that runs through AJ Styles.  You don’t really know which way this one is going to go, as you have Cena who should headline Wrestlemania because it’s good for business.  He’ll be on the Today Show to promote Wrestlemania, he’s much better at promotional appearances than anyone else.  But AJ Styles has been carrying pro-wrestling on his back for quite some time now, and he’s earned the right to walk into Wrestlemania as the champ.  Cena wins this one, but I’m not happy about it.

Jay: t’s time for Big Match John to get his win back. AJ Styles has been the MVP of WWE pretty much ever since his debut at last year’s Royal Rumble, but there comes a time in every champion’s life when they must give the belt back to John Cena. The time is now.

JoshJohn Cena


Royal Rumble

The 30-Man Royal Rumble Match

Richmond: Whew, where to begin with this one.  22 men have been announced so-far with Mojo Rawley earning the most recent spot on Smackdown.  With eight unannounced, you have to think those could be Samoa Joe, Tye Dillinger (#10), Tyler Bate (WWE’s UK Champion) & Pete Dunne, maybe Finn Balor, the losers of the two Championship matches earlier in the night and one legend?  Lesnar and Goldberg take each other out of the equation.  I’d like to see a showdown between The Undertaker and Baron Corbin after Corbin’s “The Undertaker said he’s dug 29 holes for 29 souls? That’s good, the world needs ditch diggers” line on Talking Smack.  This has been called one of the most unpredictable Rumbles in history, and I have to agree.  My final four in the ring will be Braun Strowman, Sami Zayn, Bray Wyatt and… Samoa Joe.  Strowman eliminates Wyatt, Joe and Strowman get into a hoss-fight by the ropes, when Zayn tosses them both over and wins the 2017 Royal Rumble.  Sami Zayn wins… but probably Randy Orton.

Jay: Goldberg and Lesnar will cancel each other out. HHH will take care of Seth Rollins. I don’t think a legend like Undertaker wins. So who’s left? I’ll tell you who: Samoa Joe. What better way for the Samoan Submission Machine to burst onto the scene than to win the Royal Rumble? I certainly can’t think of one.

Josh: So many angles to choose from in the Rumble, taker Lesnar and Goldberg all seem like having different storylines going into ‘Mania so I’ll say Big Show, but lean toward a surprise win from HHH, The Rock, or Kurt angle. Maybe even Finn Balor makes a return. All seem just as likely…


That’s it!  Those are our predictions.  Do you agree/disagree?  Let us know in the comments below or at @KSRWrassleTalk on Twitter.  Be sure to sign up for the Royal Rumble pool if you haven’t done so already.  It’s free, so there’s nothing to lose!  Happy Rumbling everyone!

 


College GameDay Poster Rubric

College GameDay Poster Rubric

College Gameday Poster Rubric1

It has been a big week for signs.  Between the inauguration, the women’s march and College GameDay coming to Lexington, savvy investors are putting all their money on markers and poster board.  Typically, the football gameday signs get all the attention, but something tells me that Kentucky might be more confident with sassy basketball ESPN acrostics.  I live for GameDay signs.  On any given Saturday, you can find me judging homemade signage more harshly than Simon Cowell critiques a pitchy contestant on American Idol.  It truly is an art form.  Some signs are just awful.  I often wonder, how did this pitiful person make it through high school with such terrible puns and poor penmanship.  So, as an act of charity, I’ve put together the perfect rubric to help you assess whether your sign is fit for basic cable viewership.  

Pop Culture Relevancy:

Relevancy is fleeting.  Sometimes hot takes don’t stand the test of time.  It is important to make sure that your references are up to date.  No one wants to read more Manti Te’o jokes about fake girlfriends or Steve Harvey blunders.  

Readability:

Goodness.  Some signs are garbage.  Proper spacing, marker color v. background color and penmanship need to be considered before you begin composing your signage.  Also, if you want to be modern, please consider your font choice before creating signs.  Comic Sans is for cheesy puns.  Arial is for bold assertive statements and Curlz should never, ever be considered.

Shade:

The goal of a GameDay sign is to point out the inadequacies of your opponent.  Throw some shade! It’s College GameDay and we all know the pen is mightier than a sword.   Witty phrases written in glitter are just as helpful to the team as a last second three pointer. It is important that your sign roasts your opponent in just the perfect way. Here’s a perfect non-example of what not to do.  It just makes me love John Calapari more and want fried seafood as an appetizer. 

john calimari

Creativity:

No one will ever top the sign where each letter of ESPN spelled male genitalia. Ever. All other signs are just fighting for second place.  There is definitely a hierarchy for what puts a sign up for consideration for a silver medal.  If your sign features a moveable part or interactive feature, congratulations! You’ve won bonus points in my heart.  You can also take a decent sign, hand it to an adorable child and wah-lah, it’s noteworthy.  From there on out, signs are just somewhere along the continuum.  But, keep in mind, all signs matter.  Sometimes the quantity is better than the quality.

Grammar and Mechanics:

I’ve learned this one from experience.  I once spelled Tim Tebow’s name wrong on my GameDay sign.  It is one of my greatest regrets. So, dot your I’s, cross your t’s, check your you’re’s and reassess your then and than’s.  People are ruthless.   No one wants to get sign attention for the wrong reasons, like this guy…

Spelling Game Day Sign


I’ve Got the Power

I’ve Got the Power

With the arrival of a new Presidential administration comes many new faces to powerful positions to run these great United States.  For some reason there still is not a Czar of Television and Movies in the cabinet despite the obvious need for one.  Since we live in a post-fact, alternate fact, and what the fact? society, I have decided to create the position and fill it myself.  As your new official Czar of Television and Movies I want you, my fellow Americans, to know exactly what I’m going to do with my phenomenal cosmic power.  Here is my plan for the next four years as your Pop Culture Potentate:

  • Item One: Award Shows
    • I am officially disbanding the awarding committees for all major award shows and replacing them with the puppies from Animal Planet’s Puppy Bowl. I am removing all biases from humans and placing the fate of the awards in the paws of America’s greatest treasures.
    • In lieu of the aforementioned change I am personally providing an alternate fact reissuing of all previous awards for Emmys, Golden Globes, and Academy Awards. To prove this monumental task is in good hands, I will let you know that the 1999 Academy Award for Best Picture has indeed been awarded to Saving Private Ryan instead of Shakespeare in Love. shakespeare-in-love-saving-private-ryan-slice
  • Item Two: Remakes, Reboots, and Redundancies
    • I am hitherto placing a more rigorous procedure on remakes and reboots. In an effort to spur the creative mind of Hollywood there is now a 25 year moratorium on remaking a show or movie in any format.  Reboots are subjected to a lesser 10 year moratorium.  After the assigned time a property can be discussed for a  remake or reboot only if the original property has less than a 90% on Rotten Tomatoes, would be significantly helped by technological advances, and (in the case of reboots) the original story can be tied to the new content.
    • In an effort to reduce redundancies I am requiring all movies and tv shows to submit full synopses to the Plotline Unilateral Board for Ensuring Success committee. This will be a bipartisan committee that analyzes scripts and determines if movies have nearly identical plotlines and are scheduled for release within a few months of each other (Deep Impact Armageddon, No Strings Attached vs. Friends with Benefits, etc).  If a redundancy is identified then each production team must submit one person to compete in a thunderdome to determine which movie will be released.
  • Item Three: Wage Inequality
    • I am hereby issuing a decree that the Key Grip, Boom Operator, and Gaffer are to be paid commensurate with the highest paid actors and actresses. If they have to work with the funny names then they deserve better compensation.
  • Item Four: Commercials
    • Since advertising revenue is a big part of the movie and tv viewing experience it is impossible to completely eliminate it. In an effort to streamline the experience of being bombarded by unwanted solicitations I am establishing an online virtual portal which allows people to volunteer for a four-hour commercial-viewing class.  If you complete the four hour course, which is nothing but watching commercials for four hours, you will receive a code which can be provided to your cable, internet, or theater which allows you to bypass all commercials.  The class certifies you to be ad free for a duration of six months at which point you may take the class again to recertify. rob lowe
  • Item Five: Applauding in Movie Theaters
    • There is to be absolutely no applauding in movie theaters. Exceptions are allowed if viewing a movie wherein someone who participated in the creation of said movie is in the audience.  In all other instances, DO NOT APPLAUD AT THE END OF THE MOVIE!  THEY CAN’T HEAR YOU!  If you feel compelled to express your gratitude then email them or post to a message board or write a letter.  To enforce this I am creating an army of undercover theater goers and if someone is caught violating this ordinance they will be subjected to a ten hour loop of awful things based on their level of violation.  Here are the tiers of punishment:
      • First Offense: Jim Carrey’s most annoying sound in the world from Dumb and Dumber
      • Second Offense: Nails on chalkboard.
      • Third Offense: A fork scraping a plate.
      • Fourth Offense: Rebecca Black’s “Friday”
      • Fifth Offense: The KSR App notification laugh.

I assure you my fellow Americans that this is only the beginning of my efforts to make tv and movies great again.  I look forward to getting your feedback and either disregarding it or reimagining it to fit into whatever narrative I decide.

 

 


Funkhouser’s 4th Annual Royal Rumble Pool Contest – THIS SUNDAY!

rumble

Alright, ladies and gentlemen, it is now time for what that you all have been waiting for: The Fourth Annual Funkhouser Royal Rumble Pool Contest.  For years, my friends and I have been doing this contest as a supplement to the Royal Rumble Pay-Per-View.  There are usually 10 of us who get together during the evening and participate in the contest.  Before the match, we each put $5-10 into the pot that goes to the winner.  Because there are 10 of us, we each draw three entrant numbers from 1-30 out of a hat, that correspond to entrants in the Royal Rumble match.  Whatever wrestler comes out as the number we drew, becomes our wrestler.  If the number we drew wins the Royal Rumble, we win the money in the pot.  Also: the person who drew the entrant with the most eliminations on the night gets their money back as a consolation prize.

Last year, we ran the third straight year of this contest with Leuker (yes, the same Leuker from the KSR Football Podcast questions) drawing the winning entrant number of #30, while also winning the tiebreak against two other people who drew #30.  Leuker has won back-to-back Funkhouser Rumble Pools, not unlike HBK or Steve Austin in the actual Royal Rumble.

This Year’s Royal Rumble will take place on Sunday, January 29th at 8:00 PM on the WWE Network.

The prizes for this year are have been determined!

The winner of the 4th Annual Funkhouser Royal Rumble Pool will win a copy of the tabletop game KLASK!

This is a game we have featured on Funkhouser beforeand it could be yours.  It’s a $50 game and it could be yours just by entering our Royal Rumble pool.

The runner-up of our Royal Rumble pool (The person whose number made the most eliminations) will win a copy of the tabletop game Codenames! ($20 value)  We’ve also featured Codenames on Funkhouser, and we’re a big fan of it.

If you want to participate:

Click Here To Enter the Pool

1. Enter who you think will win the Royal Rumble, and how many eliminations will be the most by one wrestler.

2. I will randomly assign entrant numbers to the contestants, using a random number generator.  So, the first 30 people to sign up, will be listed as 1-30 in random order.  If we have more than 30 people, I will do a second list again randomized 1-30.  Also, if we have more than 30 people participate, and two people end up with the same entrant #, then I will go to who you picked as the Rumble Winner, then # of eliminations in your comments for the tie-breakers.

3. Watch the Royal Rumble Match, and cheer on your Superstar!

4. If your number wins the Royal Rumble, you win the prize.  The person who has the entrant with the most eliminations will win the second place prize.

To help you with your selections so far (you can wait up until the Friday before the Rumble if you want to see who might be in), here is who is officially in the Royal Rumble as of 1/24:

-Goldberg
-Brock Lesnar
-Big E
-Kofi Kingston
-Xavier Woods
-Braun Strowman
-Chris Jericho
-Baron Corbin
-Seth Rollins
-The Undertaker
-Dean Ambrose
-The Miz
-Dolph Ziggler
-Cesaro
-Sheamus
-Bray Wyatt
-Randy Orton
-Luke Harper
-Big Show
-Sami Zayn
-Big Cass
-Rusev

I will contact, via email, the winner of the 2017 Funkhouser Royal Rumble Pool to get your contact information.  So sign up using the link above and check back during the Royal Rumble to see what entrant # you drew.  I will update this page during the match as wrestlers enter the match, so if you want to comment on the Rumble during the match, you can continue to do so in the comments.  Happy Rumbling!