Where are those giant dice from Commonwealth Staidum when you need them?! 2018 5-star wide →
KSR’s take on recent non sports related happenings
By Megan Suttles on ©July 31st, 2015 @ 3:00pm
Last year, I fell in love with USA’s new series Playing House. The show follows two friends, played by Lennon Parham and Jessica St. Clair, as they navigate small town living, single parenthood and romance. In an interview, Parham compared the show to the classic Gilmore Girls. Like a starred item on a menu, I was sold without further explanation. Parham describes the Playing House location as “like Stars Hollow, but with a bunch of weirdoes.” While she may be referring to my hometown, the comparison works. Playing House is a similar series. Both shows have fast-talking leading ladies, a rag-tag group of supporting characters and seemingly unobtainable love interests. This comparison begs the question: Which show is better?
Similar to the Michael vs. LeBron debate, it is difficult to determine a person’s potential compared to a person’s legacy. And yet, the conversation continues.
To identify the worthy series, we will judge the shows on four scientifically proven criteria before the second season of Playing House starts August 4th.
Lorelai and Rory are the gold standard for what you want to see from two women on screen. My mom and I are a poor man’s Lorelai and Rory Gilmore. We aren’t as quick-witted. We aren’t motivated by coffee, but more so by cheese covered items. I think what is so loveable about the mother/daughter duo is that they have bits. Secretly, I believe that they were taking improve classes together to be more adorable in public.
In Playing House, Maggie and Emma have also been graced with the ability to riff off of each other. Subjects include, but are not limited to, the rules of brunch, keeping things right and tight and how “sisters are doing it for themselves.”
Overall, I’d happily transport myself into either one of these pairs. I would, however, choose Playing House because Lorelai and Rory, at times, seem overly dependent on each other.
Here’s a controversial statement for you: Sookie, from Gilmore Girls, is too much. Sookie is mentally taxing. Her manic energy is overwhelming. If you have ever spent time near a skittish Chihuahua, you know they make your blood pressure rise. I can’t imagine Sookie being a good cook. Her quick, unnecessary movements would cause all the soufflés to fall.
This is a common thread of the supporting characters in Gilmore Girls. Kirk, Paris, Michel and Taylor Doose were all approaching unbearable. All of the frustration from the supporting characters helps make Lorelai and Rory seem more loveable.
Playing House is more relaxed. The pace of the show is still as frenetic as GG, but the citizens are a little less uptight. Keegan-Micahel Key, Jane Kaczmarek, Bobby Moynihan, Andy Daly and Larry Wilmore all appear as residents of the charming Pinebrook, Connecticut town.
Without a doubt, Playing House has the more likable supporting characters.
There were almost as many cups of coffee as there were love interests on Gilmore Girls. The Gilmore’s cups runneth over with Lukes and Christophers and Deans and Logans. It seemed like Lorelai and Luke always seemed to get in their own way. Luke and Loralei never had an onscreen wedding. We, as an audience, gave the Gilmore Girls seven seasons and we never got a proper wedding.
In season two of Playing House, rumor has it that Darius “Hootie” Rucker and one half of HGTV’s Property Brothers will play the love interests for Maggie. Could you dream up two better middle-aged suitors?
Probably, but let’s not split hairs.
Hootie > Luke Danes
I can appreciate a show that sets unrealistic expectations. No one wants to see what a normal baby shower looks like. We have all been to those. We want to watch shows where the characters spend thirty seconds preparing for a party onscreen and the outcome is a Martha Stewartian Dream.
Both Gilmore Girls and Playing House play towards these aspirations. No one can throw a better themed party than the Gilmores. If you or I were to throw a Tarantino themed party everyone who show up as the bride from Kill Bill. Rory gets variety at her themed parties. That’s why Rory gets to date the Logan Huntzbergers of the world.
In the episode, “Spaghetti and Meatballs,” Playing House tries its hand at the themed-party episode genre. Emma is tasked with throwing together a fundraiser for Chihuahuas with nerve disorders. There is a spaghetti dinner and afterwards a little strip tease from the local cops. The episode is a perfect combination of Magic Mike, Remember the Titans and Save the Last Dance. If you watch one episode of the series, this would be the one to watch.
*I am only besmirching the name of Gilmore Girls to provoke you to watch Playing House. I need more people to talk to about this show (preferably over a cup of coffee while a grumpy store owners sulks in the corner.)
Why does Coach Stoops keep yelling Yahtzee?
Since 2013, Mark Stoops and the Kentucky Football coaching staff have used the term “Yahtzee” to denote a commitment to the UK Football program. Stoops and his staff routinely use this term in social media to help build excitement as new and promising recruits enter into the University of Kentucky sports universe.
Is Coach Stoops actually rolling a big pair of dice? That seems extravagant.
Probably not. This is probably an embellishment for purposes of conveying enthusiasm or a metaphor for a specific game he is winning, in this case perhaps the college football “recruiting game,” at which he is succeeding.
In the game “Yahtzee” a “Yahtzee” denotes five of the same dice rolled on one roll. Am I to believe that when Mark Stoops announces “Yahtzee,” he has just recruited five players of identical skill sets to fill the same position? Because I am not entirely sure that is the best use of his recruiting time.
No, it generally refers to one player at a time.
Not five? Because a “Yahtzee” is five.
No, not five. Just one.
Then shouldn’t he yells “Uno!” That is also a popular game, and “uno” is Mexican for “one.”
He says “Yahtzee.”
Why “Yahtzee,” then?
Again, it’s just a colloquial term; like Coach Stoops, many of our past UK coaches have relied on metaphorical terminology to signify recruiting success. Joker Phillips used “Jenga!” to imply he was “stacking” solid players on top of one another to create an effective team. Hal Mumme would announce “You sunk my battleship!” when landing a major commitment, insinuating that this new recruit was “sinking” the “battleship” of his preconceived notions of the limits of a player’s ability. Rich Brooks would exclaim “Mousetrap!” whenever a giant net trap would spring and fall onto one of his recruits, and beloved coach Jerry Claiborne would announce “Potato and Spoon Race!” sometimes just because it was one of his favorite games growing up as a young boy in Hopkinsville. Each coach has his own way of doing things.
Yes, but if Coach Stoops were rolling a big PAIR of dice, he would be playing “Yahtzee” wrong. “Yahtzee” is played using five dice. It would be much easier to roll two of the same number than five of the same number.
This is a good point. But you get the idea. It’s just a figure of speech.
I guess “Snake Eyes!” or “Boxcars!” isn’t as exciting as “Yahtzee!”
No, it’s not. “Boxcars!” would not be very exciting at all.
You know what would be great though? “Hungry Hungry Hippos!” That would mean that we have some big players and that the players are also hungry. For football game wins.
You should bring this up with the coaching staff. I think you’re putting way too much thought into this.
I will do that. Do you have Coach Stoops’ phone number or electronic mail address?
No, I don’t. Sorry.
That’s a good game, too. “Sorry.”
Yes, it is.
Yes, that’s a good game as well.
Oh, no, I didn’t mean the game “Kerplunk.” That was just the actual sound of me accidentally dropping my glasses into the toilet.
Good luck with that.
This Friday, at theaters across the country, a movie opens that carries with it the weight of four prior installments, more than $2 billion in worldwide box office receipts, and one of Hollywood’s biggest star’s most reliable role. Why, it seems like only yesterday…
I can pretty much guarantee you that I’ll find my way to a theater this weekend to see Tom Cruise reprise his role as veteran IMF agent Ethan Hunt in Mission: Impossible: Rogue Nation. Overabundance of colons aside, I’m sure thousands more will do the same. But I don’t get the sense that a new Mission: Impossible occupies cultural headspace the way it should. I mean, if a new Bond movie was opening this weekend, people would be losing their minds, even though Ethan Hunt’s escapades stack up more than favorably against the Bond franchise’s much-celebrated, Daniel Craig-led renaissance.
Yeah, yeah, heresy-sacrilege-blah-blah-blah. Whatever. With Craig as James Bond, that series has suffered under the weight of its own desperation for gritty “realism.” Craig has become flatter and more humorless as the series has progressed, and the harder the movies have tried to live up to the spy movie standard set by the Jason Bourne movies, the further away from those lofty heights they seem to fall.
Meanwhile, Mission: Impossible just goes on being itself, making slick, occasionally comedic action films with tense, satisfying conflicts and resolutions. In short, they do what people think James Bond films did back when Sean Connery was still wearing the tuxedo. I say “think” because those early Bond movies are almost entirely awful. Seriously, go back and watch one. It’ll have more in common with Austin Powers than Casino Royale.
I mean, watch what you want, but when it comes to voting with my dollars, I know the series to which I’d rather give the nod.
Why, exactly? Let’s start with Tom Cruise. I’ll admit, Cruise is nothing if not easy to mock. His bizarre mid-to-late-2000s escapades – inextricably linked to Scientology – tipped the scales against him. He went from ultra-bankable megastar to slightly less bankable weirdo known more for jumping on couches than his work on screen. Sadly, it made people forget that the same goober who was on the front page of every tabloid in the world had killed it in A Few Good Men, Jerry Maguire, Magnolia (his greatest role), Vanilla Sky (underrated), Minority Report, and Collateral. Yeah, there were a few clunkers in there too, but go look at Jimmy Stewart’s or Cary Grant’s IMDB page sometime. How many forgotten films did they make?
The Mission: Impossible series has been an anchor for Cruise throughout, spanning three decades and serving as the clearest example of the kind of movie Cruise does better than any actor of his generation.
And what kind of movies are the Mission: Impossible films? What makes them work better than even the best of the Bond movies? Both feature stylized action, outrageous stunts, scantily-clad women, fancy tech, and Marvel-level super-villains. The key difference, I think, is that whereas the James Bond movies rest on the shoulders of just one character, Mission: Impossible shares the load. Yes, Cruise’s Ethan Hunt is clearly the main attraction, but the success of the heroes in Mission: Impossible movies always comes down to the effectiveness of the team. That iconic scene in the clip above is actually a perfect metaphor for the way these films work. Hunt is the one at the end of the rope, but he couldn’t do any of it without the assistance of his crew. The group dynamic adds suspense (more characters close to the action means greater plot variability), humor (especially since Simon Pegg came aboard), and ups the stakes (there’s always something to lose). Win-win-win.
And yeah, Bond has MI6, but Moneypenny, Q, M, and the rest mostly just serve as background noise to allow Mr. Shaken Martini to play over top of.
I’d be remiss to leave you without admitting that M:I 2, directed by John Woo, is a terrible movie. And it is. But it also serves as a great example of why the Mission movies have been otherwise so excellent. M:I 2 got caught up in trying to be something unlike itself. It dialed down the spy stuff and cranked up the action to 11. Think about the vault scene from the original movie. That scene is at least as harrowing, if not more, than the helicopter-train chase that ends the movie, and De Palma spent a hell of a lot more time on it. Why? Because espionage is at the heart of these movies, and the one time a director forgot that, the product was awful.
My bet is that they won’t make that mistake with Rogue Nation. And of course I’ve seen the Hunt-hanging-onto-an-ascending-airplane scene from the trailer, so yeah, there’ll be plenty of action. But if I know my Mission: Impossible, there’s some really freaking important intel inside that plane.
So what say you, Funkhouser-ers? -ites? -ians? Whatever. Are you gonna catch Rogue Nation in theaters?
On Friday Netflix releases the eight-part comedy Wet Hot American Summer: First Day of Camp — a series which you’ve no doubt noticed creeping into your various mainstream outlets (Hoda and Kathie Lee! The Tonight Show!) despite the fact that the source material it’s based on is likely one of the truest cult classics of the last twenty years. The series, which exists as a prequel to the events of the 2001 film Wet Hot American Summer, brings back every single adult member of the original film’s cast, has added a few more, and currently sits as one of the most insane comic cast lists since Stanley Kramer’s It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World. If you’ve seen Wet Hot as a film, I don’t need to tell you how great it is (I personally myself pride myself on having rewatched it roughly every seven months since the winter of 2001); if you haven’t, you may be wondering what the fuss is about. Here, then, are a few things you need to know going in to the Wet Hot American Summer universe.
1. In 2001, the cast wasn’t nearly as amazing as it looks now. In 2001, Amy Poehler had yet to become a huge star on Saturday Night Live, Bradley Cooper would still be eight years pre-Hangover, Elizabeth Banks was nowhere near Effie Trinket and Paul Rudd’s greatest claim to fame was being Alicia Silverstone’s older brother in Clueless six years earlier. Molly Shannon would be well into her SNL run, David Hyde Pierce would be almost finished with his Frasier run and Christopher Meloni was largely known not for Law & Order but for the HBO prison drama Oz. In fact, at the time of shooting the more famous true comedians in the film’s cast would be David Wain, Michael Showalter, Ken Marino, Michael Ian Black and Joe Lo Truglio — all former members of the freshly and fondly remembered MTV sketch show The State. That the show would serve as such a collection of future superstars is one of Wet Hot American Summer’s claim to fame, which makes the new series in 2015 all the more impressive as director Wain has always claimed that “the cast swore they’d never do it unless every single one of them came back to do it.” Which they all did.
2. The movie was a commercial and critical failure. Despite premiering at Sundance in 2001, USA Films bought Wet Hot for only $100,000 and gave it a limited release which garnered almost no audience, only netting $292,000 in theaters. In fact, it was such a failure that even a few years into its cult success in 2011, Wain told Comedy Bang! Bang! podcast host Scott Aukerman that the film had only then begun to make a profit from its cult status. The Dallas Morning News called it an “almost laughless bomb,” a Washington Post writer said it was “so depressing I almost started to cry” and one online critic longed for Friday the 13th’s camp-slasher Jason Voorhees to enter the picture and murder everyone.
3. It prominently features a self-fellating can of vegetables, a renegade piece of falling debris from the Skylab space station and an ancient circa-1940’s Catskills comedian. That’s not to mention adults becoming engaged to children, a stellar performance of the Christian-themed musical Godspell at an all-Jewish summer camp and a refrigerator-humping Vietnam vet. While none of this may make any sense to the uninitiated viewer, all is revealed in the absurd context of the Wain-Showalter method, even if…well…some of it still doesn’t make any sense. Which leads us to point #4:
4. Things that don’t make sense will come to make sense in the prequel series. Wain has advised fans to go back and revisit Wet Hot American Summer (streaming on Netflix) before watching the series, as the series serves to set up a lot of the more unexplained and esoteric jokes of the film. The trailers alone have hinted at a human H. Jon Benjamin holding a can of vegetables (he voices said can in the film) and a presumably pre-PTSD Christopher Meloni’s origin story. If none of this makes any sense to you, you probably need to watch the film before the series.
5. It features this scene, which is one of my favorite in cinema history.
6. The movie may not be for you. I can think of a hundred people, personally, who I know would hate Wet Hot American Summer if they ever saw it, but I know two hundred who love it. The Wain/Showalter joke theory involves a lot of random absurdity, jokes with purposely no punch line, deliberately hack gags for the sake of hackiness and awkward acknowledgement of the cameras. It’s not going to be everyone’s cup of tea. But if it’s yours — and it’s most definitely mine — then it will be yours in spades. Trust me on that.
7. The new series premieres on Friday. It will feature eight thirty minute episodes, delve further into the backstories of the campers and counselors and add another third to the already overloaded cast, including actors Jason Schwarzman, Kristen Wiig, Jon Hamm, Josh Charles and more. But if you’re already a Wet Hot fan, you already know this, because if you’re already a fan this thing has been on your radar already for three years. It’s finally here, and it’s finally happening. Embrace it, because it’s probably all you’re going to get.
Starting on Thursday, July 30, “The Best Four Days In Gaming” will begin in Gen Con 2015. Gen Con is the “original, longest running, and best attended gaming convention in the world”. There are exhibits, special events and more than 14,000 events taking place over the four days of Gen Con. There is 24-hour gaming at the Indiana Convention Center, and is a dream for a fan of all board and card gaming (like myself). Last year, there was a turnstile attendance of bore than 184,500 and 56,000 unique attendance.
I will be in attendance at Gen Con 2015 as a representative of Funkhouser, so I will posting pictures to Twitter and Facebook, as well as possibly doing some Periscope or YouTube talks at the end of Thursday and Friday evenings, just to discuss my experience at the convention.
So leading up to the convention, I wanted to list some of the games that I am looking forward to getting my hands on, buying or simply playing on Thursday and Friday. These are in no particular order, Well, the ones at the top I’m more excited about:
Flick ‘Em Up
Flick ‘Em Up is a dexterity game that plays between 2-10 players (!). Pretzel Games, a shoot-off of Z-Man Games, has created this outstanding western theme game, where you are flicking disks around a table to accomplish goals in the game. The rule book comes along with 10-different scenarios, which involve building and player set-up, but you are also more than welcome to come up with your own scenario. In the most basic scenario, five outlaws take on five members of the law. You will flick a movement disk around the play area, to move your person. If you want to shoot at an opponent, you place a bullet disc next to your meeple, and flick it at one of the opposing meeples. If you hit them, they are knocked down and lose one hit-point. Lose three hit points and they’re out of the game. If you and another player end up in the same building together, you have a shootout, dueling back and forth until one player connects with their shot. The loser gets (literally) thrown out of the building back into the street. It is such a thematic game and I can’t wait to get my hands on it. An expansion is coming up in the future where players can ride horses, and there are ramps so you can shoot a player off of his horse… CRAZY!
Note: I have actually pre-ordered this, and will hopefully get to my house by the beginning of next week. But I hope to play some demo games at the Con.
Codenames is the product of CGE games and designer Vlaada Chvátil. Codenames is another party game that I’m looking forward to. In Codenames, you and your friends split into two teams. 25 words are laid out in the middle of the table, and one player from each team will be the “Spymaster”. These two players will be given a grid of different colors, corresponding which words correspond to their team. The point is to get your team to guess your eight code words before the other team guesses theirs. This is going to be a fun one. Let Rodney Smith from Watch It Played tell you about how to play:
Arcadia looks to be a fun little card game that is pretty much like Roller Coaster Tycoon in a card game. Your goal is to build up the best amusement park from the ground up. Buy your booths, stands and rides, and upgrade them to have the best park possible. You will also have to hire employees to make sure locations get built. With my experience of theme parks, I probably won’t win, but I’m only building wooden roller coasters and country shows where they sell lemonade for you to get out of the heat. Best Theme Park Ever!
I think I talked about Spyfall at the beginning of the year, but I’m still looking forward to it. Spyfall works like so: Up to eight players can play this game of social deduction. There are 40ish different locations in the box, and one bag will be pulled out, shuffled and dealt to all of the players. Here’s the catch: one player is a spy and doesn’t know the location that everyone else is at, and must figure out, by asking questions, where everyone is. However, the players have no idea who the spy is, so they must try and ask vague questions to figure out who the spy is, without giving away the location for the spy to guess. I may not get this, but I’d be excited to play this for the first time. Also, you can play it online FOR FREE at http://spyfall.meteor.com. Get your friends and smartphones together to play this!
Mysterium is a cooperative investigation game, where either everyone wins or everyone loses. Think of this game as Clue meets Dixit. A crime has been committed on the grounds of this manor, and the players have to figure out what happened. One player will play the ghost and knows what happened. They must give clues to the players, by means of “dream” cards, which are highly artistic scenes that may have hints or clues to weapons, culprits and locations. These clues are not always obvious, and maybe a highly red colored card could be a clue to the red hat a culprit is wearing, or maybe the gun on that card could be a clue to the weapon. It is up to the players to figure out what the ghost is trying get them to understand. This game is making its first appearance in an English version at GenCon, so I’m looking forward to try it.
WWE Superstar Showdown
Well, Duh. A wrestling deck-builder, based around the WWE product? I’m sold. The game has a bit of a rock-paper-scissors feel to it, but there is actual player movement, allowing you to be inside/outside the ring, top-rope, etc. It looks like an interesting game, but I don’t have too much to say about it. Also, with six characters, how did Big Show and Big E make it in the game? So confused…
More Ca$h and More Guns (Expansion)
There is not much that is known about this expansion, except for the fact that it’s happening. A while back I did a review of Ca$h and Guns and now there is a new expansion about to come out. It looks as though there are going to be a few more gun options, as well as a few more role cards. This big difference looks to be a bank vault, that you may need the necessary parts to open? I’m not really sure, but if it makes Ca$h and Guns more awesome than it already is, then I’m sold.
There are thousands of other games that are being sold at Gen Con, and I look forward to playing them. Some others I’m excited for: Broom Service, Penny Press, New York 1901, Dead Drop, Stockpile, Warehouse 51, Mogul, Code 777 30th Anniversary, Nefarious, and Noir Black Box edition.
If you’re at GenCon, come find me. Or follow us at FunkhouserKSR on Twitter and Periscope! Hope to see you there!
It seems that every once in a while prison becomes a “thing” in popular culture. Recently there have been a couple of high profile escapes and Orange is the New Black is one of the most popular shows out there. Other shows like Prison Break and Oz were America’s prison fix during their respective runs. There are several other “reality” shows about prison, Breakout, I Escaped: Real Prison Breaks, and Lockup which take viewers on the inside to get a first hand glimpse of prison life. For me, landing in prison is one of my biggest fears, second only to alligators. After listening to the Serial podcast I make sure I keep the GPS tracker on my phone all the time and try to have a brief conversation everywhere I go. You always need a strong alibi and I try to make sure I’ve got that. You never know when you’re going to end up the slammer though, and for such an occasion you need to make sure you’ve got a proper plan for getting out. To help you make these preparations here is a list of some of the best prison escapes in pop culture history. (Spoiler Alert: Spoilers for all movies to follow) (Disclaimer: These are not guaranteed to work, you should make sure you get a good lawyer so you don’t need to try these out)
Andy Dufresne, The Shawshank Redemption
Of course this would be on this list. Andy Dufresne’s escape from Shawshank is an iconic moment and the following retribution he had set up is perfect. From his patience, he was in Shawshank 19 years, to his masterful planning, Andy’s escape sets the bar for all would-be prison escapees. Using the rock hammer he procured to make a chess set, Dufresne tunneled through the walls of Shawshank to the sewer. Once in the sewer, Dufresne crawled through the waste in the sewer and came out the other end a free man. The lesson here is to have patience when planning your escape. Also make sure that upon your escape you are able to have enough evidence and resources available to bring down the corrupt officials running the prison you were stuck in.
Magneto, X2: X-Men United and X-Men: Days of Future Past
Magneto is one of Marvel’s best villains. As such, he occasionally found himself behind bars, plastic ones at that. In these two films Magneto found himself in a specially constructed prison which did not have any metal, due to his ability to manipulate it. In X2, Magneto breaks out due to the guard’s increases iron content in his blood. In Days of Future Past he is whisked out by Quicksilver with the help of Charles Xavier and Wolverine. As powerful as Magneto was, he still needed help to escape. The lesson here is to make sure you have friends willing and able to assist in your breakout, especially if you have friends with special powers.
Edmond Dantès, The Count of Monte Cristo
After being betrayed by his best friend, Edmond Dantès finds himself locked up in the Château d’If, a prison fortress located by a cliff on an island. After meeting a fellow prisoner who had tunneled in the wrong direction, Dantès spent years trying to tunnel out of the prison. After the other prisoner dies, Dantès replaces him in the body bag and is then carried out of the prison and thrown over the cliff into Mediterranean Sea. Prior to being thrown, however, a ball and chain had been fixed. Dantès grabs the keys from the warden, pulling him over the edge with him. Once in the water and freed, Dantès kills the tortuous warden and embarks on an epic quest of revenge against those who conspired to put him in prison. The lesson here is to befriend an old friend while on the inside so you can take their place in the body bag when they die. Make sure this friend has a secret treasure which can bankroll your extravagant revenge. You also may want to double check that the prison you’re in does in fact dispose of dead bodies the same way an early 19th century prison fortress did.
Allied POW’s, The Great Escape
For those of who are more socially oriented and want to make more than one old friend in prison, this is the escape plan for you. In The Great Escape, a group of prisoners organize to escape from a Nazi POW camp believed to be escape-proof. Throughout the movie the group attempts to dig three tunnels for the proposed escape, but are rebuffed several times. Eventually they complete one of the tunnels and 76 escape and begin their dash to friendly borders to complete their escape. The ending is not exactly happy, as most of the escapees do not reach freedom, but the run for freedom is one of the more exciting sequences I’ve seen. The lesson in The Great Escape is to be organized and persistent in your escape efforts.
Frank Morris, John Anglin, Clarence Anglin, Escape from Alzatraz
Like the previous film, Escape from Alcatraz is based on the true story of an escape from one of the most notorious prisons in America. Morris, the Anglin brothers, and Charley Butts devise a plan to tunnel through the weakened concrete in their cell walls and escape through the walls of Alcatraz, then using homemade rafts to cross the water to their freedom. To buy them time while they escape, paper mâché heads are made and placed on their bunks to look like the men sleeping. On the night of the escape, Butts’ is unable to get through his tunnel so Morris and the Anglin brothers go on without him. The movie does not show whether they crossed the bay and reached their freedom, however an implicit clue is left which suggests they succeeded. The lesson here is to become adept at random hobbies such as paper mâché and homemade raft making so that you can utilize these new skills in your escape plan.
Tony Perkis, Heavyweights
Tony Perkis is a mildly sadistic fitness freak who takes ownership of Camp Hope, a camp for overweight children. For years Camp Hope was a fun place for everyone (I’m still looking forward to actually jumping on “the blob” someday). Perkis takes over and turns the camp into a true weight loss camp, using shame and embarrassment as motivators. After being forced on a hike, the campers rebels against Perkis, and take him prisoner. Perkis disables the electric fence holding him in, then fashions a fake Hershey Kiss wrapper out of some aluminum foil. Using the fake chocolate, Perkis lures his captor to the fence then grabs him and breaks out. The lesson here is to study your guard so you can exploit there weaknesses in your escape.
By Mrs. Tyler Thompson on ©July 27th, 2015 @ 9:00pm
Rare is the moment when my Nashville and Kentucky worlds intersect, but this video going around Music City has a Bluegrass connection. This morning, country/folk/rock musician and Kentucky native Chris Stapleton posted this video of Bill Murray rocking out and singing along to his song “Fire Away” at his June 12 concert in South Carolina:
Posted by Chris Stapleton on Monday, July 27, 2015
The always cool Murray is a cult hero these days, especially among the hipster sect (I’ve seen at least three cars with Bill Murray bumper stickers in my neighborhood lately), so seeing him geek out over music is kind of awesome. Especially when that music is made by a Kentuckian. (Chris was born in Lexington, but raised in Paintsville.)
Here’s the performance that got Murray rolling:
By Richmond Bramblet on ©July 24th, 2015 @ 8:00am
Update (7/24 – 3:30 PM) – After a 14th place finish in the land worm and a 9th, 19th and 27th in events 4-6, CrossFit Maximus have moved into 15th place, jumping up six spots from before competing this morning!
There is a stigma that goes along with the word CrossFit. One of which is that people who do CrossFit, can’t stop talking about it. I don’t know about anyone else on the KSR Staff, but I certainly know that both Tyler and I do CrossFit workouts, and we have tried to not bombard you with our WODs and Metcons and AMRAPS, etc. etc. etc. However, I do want to talk about a Kentucky CrossFit related story.
The goal of the CrossFit Games is to find the “Fittest On Earth”. It just so happens that there is a Kentucky team vying for that title. The CrossFit Games are taking place this week, from July 21-26 in Carson, California, and Crossfit Maximus of Lexington, Kentucky has made the trip to try to be the fittest team on Earth. Laura Clark, Erica Spitz, Jenny Bradford, Eric Oxley, Dex Hopkins and Chris Walker represent the Lexington based team, and they currently sit in 21st place, but with eight events left to go, they can really move up the leaderboard over the next three days.
In day one (Wednesday), Maximus competed in two events. The first event was titled “Water Worm”. The event saw the six competitors do a combined 150 (75-50-25) deadlifts of an awkwardly weighted worm sandbag, along with two 500 meter swims around a pier, while holding on to a team boogie board. Maximus took 24th place in the event, completing in a time of 43:18.61. The second event was a six mile relay run, with each team member completing a one mile leg each. Maximus finished in 14th place, running six miles in 36:36.00.
Watch the “Water Worm” event:
As noted before, they are in 21st place, sitting just three spots behind CrossFit Mayhem Freedom, the team which boasts “The Champ” Rich Froning on their team. Froning was the individual men’s CrossFit Champion in 2011, 2012, 2013 and 2014, and has since transitioned to team competition, trying to find success in that area as well. CrossFit Maximus and Mayhem Freedom are in the same region and have previously battled each other earlier this season in the Central Region.
In the final week of May, the Central Region teams competed in Minneapolis, Minnesota. Through five of the seven events of the Regional competition, Maximus led over Mayhem Freedom 411-405. Froning’s squad surged in the final two events to win the region, but with a third place finish, Maximus secured their spot in the 2015 CrossFit Games.
Lexington’s squad will be back in action today starting at Noon on ESPN3. Event 3, called the “Earth Worm” will see the teams have to run a combined 1800 meters and perform 150 combined squats with the team worm bag. It will be a land version of what they had to do on Wednesday. Events 4,5,6 this afternoon will have the teams break off in to three pairs, performing 545 lb. deadlifts (more weight on one side of the bar for men), and bar muscle-ups. Each pair will have to do the same amount of work, but in different rep schemes. Take a look a the full event listing in the graphic below.
Be sure to watch Maximus in the CrossFit games this weekend. Coverage will begin at 12:00 PM today on ESPN3, and events 4, 5 & 6 will take place at 1:45 PM.
You can also watch it in the YouTube pane below when it becomes available at Noon:
Summer’s here, y’all. Lexington is a hot, soupy mess. I can’t remember having this much rain, ever, and I’ve lived in this area since 1982.
Nasty sweltering weather is good for movies. Any structure I can enter and stop sweating is worth the money. Most of the marquee movies have come out already (Mad Max: Fury Road, Jurassic World, Terminator Genisys), and Star Wars: The Force Awakens doesn’t open until December 18. Let’s focus on the next couple months. What’s out there worth seeing?
Southpaw: is it selective memory, or does it seem like the last few years have been packed with boxing movies? Southpaw, premiering this Friday, July 24, looks like a dozen other redemption stories. You won’t find a cast much better than Jake Gyllenhaal, Rachel McAdams, and Forest Whitaker, though; and it’s directed by Antoine Fuqua, whose Training Day and The Equalizer probably cancel out Olympus Has Fallen. Southpaw has gotten good early reviews, so it may have enough fight scenes and grit to satisfy the pugilist, but enough depth and character development to reel in those not too into the sport itself.
Unexpected: hmm, this could be a heartwarming coming of (parent)age movie that…OK, it looks pretty blech. A feel-good movie that looks like it’ll deliver a message with all the subtlety of Crash? No thanks. Yes, I’m biased toward big explodey action and sci-fi and horror, but I really can appreciate well-constructed movies about non-flammable things like love and friendship. Love Actually is great. Zooey Deschanel and Michael Cera can turn crap movies into something watchable. Hell, When Harry Met Sally is one of my top ten favorite movies. Unexpected just seems…uninspired? I really want this movie to be good, since I love Cobie Smulders (and I’ve only seen 3 episodes of HIMYM!), and I want Anders Holm to succeed as a thank-you for making me laugh so hard during Workaholics I almost passed out. Prove me wrong, Unexpected. Maybe this would be a good one to watch right before Southpaw on July 24.
The Gift: a young couple suffers the consequence of a terrifying secret from the past that comes to yada yada yada. This has been done a hundred times, even more so than boxing redemption films. Yet, Jason Bateman, Rebecca Hall, Joel Edgerton? A trailer that teases a good narrative but doesn’t rely too heavily on jump-out-go-boo and doesn’t reveal too much? This works pretty well at getting the viewer interested in what the hell happened 20-something years ago. The Gift might be worth watching. (Opens August 7, 2015.)
Assassination: we should all be able to agree that the trailer tells us virtually nothing about the movie. Someone is ‘posed to get smoked, and there’s lots of guns and explosions. The fun part looks to be the setting: Seoul, 1933. I have no idea what Seoul 1933 actually looked like, but apparently a cross between the American Wild West and The Rocketeer. This is one of the few trailers that could benefit from giving away more of the movie. As is, though, Assassination will serve as a good “oh yeah, I heard about this one,” on Netflix on a sick day. (Opens August 7, 2015.)
These are tricky. While a good director (and a good narrative or script) can make just about anything interesting, a biopic’s success is based mostly on two things: name recognition and timeliness. One can make up for the other, which is why a documentary of anything JFK- or Marilyn Monroe-related could still make a mint today, but a Casey Anthony docudrama better have been in the works before the verdict was read. Three biopics of note:
I Am Chris Farley: a little puzzling that it took this long. Maybe the best physical comedian in the last 30 years (sorry, Jim Carrey) and probably one of the top 10 Saturday Night Live cast members ever, Farley deserves a documentary. But almost 18 years after his death? I just don’t know how much interest this can generate beyond diehard SNL fans and Tommy Boy devotees—and I’m saying this as a Farley fan. Was it finding the right script or director? This wasn’t Elvis, so estate issues probably weren’t a factor. I Am Chris Farley will have to rely on some good marketing (read: re-insert some Farley sketches into the pop-culture mindset, and soon) on top of solid word-of-mouth. David Spade can’t watch it enough times on his own to make it a success. (Opens July 31, 2015.)
Amy: this film, about Amy Winehouse, is certainly timelier, as she passed away in 2011. That voice coming out of that frame was enough to pique interest, but the quality of her voice and music won folks over and sent her to the top of the charts. Will enough people care enough to see a documentary about her life? Probably. She’s definitely still got the name recognition. Amy is garnering great reviews, and has enough insight into her life and what might have led to the end of it to take off on the art-house circuit. Let’s hope it gives her the treatment she deserves. (Premiered July 3, 2015, but won’t reach smaller markets for a while.)
Call Me Lucky: this one blows my hypothesis right out of the water. I’m a huge stand-up fan, but I’d never heard of Barry Crimmins. It doesn’t seem that many other people have either, so it doesn’t matter how timely this is (and given that there’s a lot of talk of AOL, it doesn’t appear so). All that aside, this trailer makes a good case to see the movie, if nothing else to see what this guy’s about. If David Cross and Patton Oswalt are giving Barry Crimmins a thumbs up, let’s check Call Me Lucky out. (Opens August 7, 2015.)
By Josh Juckett on ©July 21st, 2015 @ 3:00pm
July 7, 1996. I remember it like it was yesterday. I was ten years old with at least seven of those years being a Hulkamaniac. I grew up watching wrestling with my dad, a Ric Flair fan, and became one of Hulk Hogan’s fans. I had the Hulk Hogan wrestling buddy and was all for anything with wrestling. Up until July 7, 1996 wrestling to me was crystal clear. There were the good guys and the bad guys. The bad guys won sometimes, but the good guys always got back on top. On that date, at the WCW Bash at the Beach pay-per-view, Hulk Hogan made a surprise appearance. He came down to the ring, the returning crusader, to save Sting, Macho Man, and the whole of the WCW from the despicable tag team of Kevin Nash and Scott Hall, the Outsiders. Hogan entered the ring and the Outsiders cleared out, leaving only a fallen Macho Man. Hogan had saved the day! Then, in a moment which has never left me, Hogan delivered his patented leg drop on the Macho Man. The stunned crowd sat in silence trying to process what happened. Hogan was joined by Hall and Nash and this was birth of the New World Order, and the death of my innocence.
For the next eight years I watched wrestling religiously. Back in the late 80s-mid 90s you had to be a fan of both WWF and WCW since they interchanged stars so often. By the late 90s the rosters settled down a bit and you just had to channel surf on Monday nights and hope you caught the best moments of either WCW Nitro or WWF Raw. The Monday night programs, the Thursday night Smackdown and Thunder shows, the occasional pay-per-view (they were expensive then), I watched anything I could. I got wrapped up in the storylines, practiced wrestling moves on my friends (and my little sister), and played wrestling videogames. Groups like the nWo and DX made it cool to root for the perceived bad guys. Both organizations had great entertainers. Stone Cold, the Rock, and Shawn Michaels were great in the ring and with a mike. There were still clear sides to root for and against (though the wrestlers were constantly switching sides depending on the story). Then things started to change. The WWF bought out the WCW in 2001 and then changed their name to WWE in 2002. Everything seemed different and by the time I graduated high school in 2004 I drifted away from wrestling. By the end of college I had only a passing knowledge of who the big names were. Many of the superstars and storylines I loved were gone, so I moved on from my wrestling fandom. Since I stopped being a fan I have stayed firmly on the periphery, occasionally dipping a toe back in the water when big events happened, such as Bret Hart’s return in 2009. Those instances didn’t last long, and I never got back into it.
Fast forward to last Friday when I notice the WWE Network app on my Playstation. I had heard of the network and thought it seemed like a pretty good deal for fans. For $10 a month you got access to all WWE programming plus archived WWF and WCW stuff (ECW too if you were into that) and all the pay-per-views as well. They offer the first month for free so I signed up so I could relive some of my favorite childhood moments. After watching several old PPVs and Monday night shows I was feeling the itch to get into wrestling again. As luck would have it, Sunday night was PPV night and I resolved to give the WWE a shot at roping me back in. These are my observations on WWE Battleground. For those of you who are current wrestling fans please bear in mind that I have no prior knowledge of the events leading up to these matches or storylines other than what was shown during the event. I also have no allegiances or fandom for any of these wrestlers so when I disparage your favorite wrestler, don’t take it personally. (Spoiler alert for Battleground below)
The WWE has always been pretty hardcore about pushing its brand. That’s one of the reasons they won the Monday Night War. This hasn’t changed as there were a lot (at least six or seven) of programming or social media plugs for the WWE. I get it, you have to hype up your product, but it seems like unnecessary filler and the bottom screen Twitter crawl was annoying. I absolutely admit that this is just me being a crotchety old man, and I’m ok with that.
It seems like modern day superstars have very ordinary names. Granted it’s only one PPV and I’m getting limited exposure to the roster, but man these names are boring. John Cena, Seth Rollins, Kevin Owens, Randy Orton, Bray Wyatt? The best names of the night were Roman Reigns and Brock Lesnar, but even those sound normal. The Big Show and the Miz were the only ones with “character” names and they didn’t even wrestle. What happened to the non-realistic names like Hulk Hogan, Ultimate Warrior, Sting, etc. Even the tag team wrestlers used regular names. I’m used to guys like Road Warrior Hawk and the Road Dogg as good tag team names. This could just be the result of the particular lineup for that night, but the names left a lot to be desired.
When did the Divas division become actual wrestling? Back when I was a fan the Diva fights added up to little more than slapping and hair pulling. Battleground’s Divas match was legitimate wrestling and was far more than just parading attractive scantily clad women like it used to be. There always seemed to be one or two of these wrestling divas but the WWE has done a good job developing the Diva talent into an entertaining product.
One of the things I remember most fondly of my time as a wrestling fan were the entrances. A lot of this comes from familiarity. When I heard breaking glass, I knew Stone Cold was coming out and could get excited accordingly. With the exception of Cena, I didn’t immediately recognize anybody’s intro music. This did not prevent me from enjoying several of the entrances though. I enjoyed Brock Lesnar’s entrance, especially his timing with the fireworks. I was already familiar with Cena’s intro but I hadn’t seen it in a while so I enjoyed him running to the ring and playing the crowd. The best entrance of the night was Bray Wyatt. One of my favorite intro gimmicks is the arena going dark, and his entrance nailed that. The added effect of people using their cell phone lights to create a creepy glow throughout the arena was pretty cool.
Wrestling matches tend to be a bit formulaic and, as a result, predictable. This was another factor which led to me getting out of wrestling. Quite simply I was getting bored. The first few matches of the night fell into this category. The tag team championship match between the Prime Time Players and the New Day (whose microphone skills left me yearning for some New Age Outlaws) was horribly predictable. Halfway through the event I had been able to script out most of the matches, including the interference of the Wyatt-Reigns match. Things took a turn for the better though starting with the Divas Triple Threat match. After that, the Cena-Owens match had more twists than M. Night Shymalan’s filmography, and the night got a huge boost from the surprise return of the Undertaker during the Lesnar-Rollins match. This last one was especially important because main events should never be as one-sided as that match was. Lesnar had suplexed Rollins so many times and dominated so thoroughly that it was inevitable that something was going to happen. The Undertaker appearance was even more impressive once I found out that it had been 16 months since he had appeared at a WWE event.
Not only was I happily surprised with the less than predictable outcome of some of the matches, I was also happily surprised that the story still matters. Prior to each match the relevant backstory was given so viewers were up to speed on what was going on between the opponents. Sometimes this was annoying and unnecessary, like in the case of the tag team match and the opening Orton-Sheamus match. The announcers can give you filler on the less relevant matches. Others, such as Wyatt-Reigns, Cena-Owens, and Rollins-Lesnar, the background was significant and gave a better depth to the match itself. The stories were always the main driving force of entertainment for me as a fan, and at the end of Battleground I was interested in what would become of the three above mentioned stories, although it looks like Lesnar-Rollins will take a backseat to Lesnar-Undertaker. I smell a triple threat match.
The mike skills these days are awful. At least they were on Sunday night. I hope there are some roster members with more charisma who just weren’t active, otherwise I feel bad for current fans. The most mike time went to the Miz, who had a couple of decent quips, but overall he was very bland. He was obviously hamming up the bad guy, goofy routine, but he was mostly just uninteresting. The next longest talking segment belonged to the New Day tag team. Again, awful. I’m not even going to waste anymore time talking about it, I’m just going to post this video of Stone Cold. (NSFW: Language)
A lot has changed about watching wrestling from my previous time. For the most part all of the characters, including announcers, are different. Even the holdovers from my time were much less like I remember them (Jerry “The King” Lawler was not nearly snarky enough). The presentation style is different, Michael Cole actually referenced stats and there was a Twitter crawl section on the bottom of the screen. Ultimately though, what goes on in the ring and around the stories is what will or will not keep my interest piqued. I don’t know if Battleground was a good PPV. After it ended I got on Twitter to see what WWE fans had to say about it and get a pulse on whether it was a good event or not. (Those damn Twitter adverts worked!) The overall sentiment seemed positive, except towards Cena who I guess everybody over the age of 12 hates. I enjoyed it a lot more than I thought I would, especially after an underwhelming first hour or so. I have a long way to go to say I’m again a fan, but I’m willing to explore this a little further. In the meantime I will continue to watch, and hope I see moments that make me react like this guy.
By Richmond Bramblet on ©July 21st, 2015 @ 9:03am
Seth Meyers is subtly killing it on Late Night with Seth Meyers. He’s not trying to do anything that’s over the top. I think James Corden is gaining an edge, solely due to his remotes, or his Carpool Karaoke segments. But Seth Meyers is one of the most genuinely funny people in Late Night TV. So much so that he doesn’t have to really try to be funny. Jimmy Fallon lays it on pretty thick, but Meyers is just cool calm and collected. In this segment from Late Night last night, Seth just goes on a bit of a rant about the middle finger, and looks like it wasn’t even scripted at all. Oh Seth, what can’t you do?
There’s no doubt that you heard the buzz and chatter this weekend about a big, important pop culture anniversary. It’s almost a certainty that if you were between the ages of 5 and 18 on July 19th, 1995, there was one movie that left an indelible mark on your psyche. It might’ve taught you some new lingo; or maybe it helped you realize that you shouldn’t judge other people by the way they look or talk; if you’re from middle America, it showed you the wonders of a West Coast lifestyle that you’d never seen before. I’m speaking, of course, about Free Willy 2: The Adventure Home.
You remember where you were when this movie came out. “Is that that whale movie, with the kid?,” you asked. It is, and it’s influenced every single thing that’s come after it. Not only that, but it’s shaped the way that an entire generation thinks about the world and their childhood. The lessons we’ve learned from Free Willy 2 are legion.
The plot of this masterpiece involve the hero of the first movie, Jesse (Jason James Richter). Jesse lives in the Pacific Northwest with his foster parents, Glen (Michael Madsen) and Annie (Jayne Atkinson). This seemingly tranquil family life is interrupted when he finds out that a) his birth mother is dead and b) he has a younger brother, Elvis (Francis Capra), who’s coming to stay with them. Sibling rivalry has never been more quickly fostered. Once they’re on vacation, it becomes even more awkward as Elvis tries to keep up with Jesse as he builds a budding romance with his buddy –‘s goddaughter Nadine (Mary Kate Schellhardt).
Oh, right, the whales. Willy is there. Willy’s brother Little Spot and sister Luna are there too. The whole orca family is present and they seem happy. Right up until an oil tanker goes aground, spilling it’s payload in an orgasmic explosion all over the alpine paradise they’re living in. Industry has exploded all over the place and worse, the CEO of the oil company wants to sell the whales to SeaWorld. They don’t call it SeaWorld, but you and I can connect the dots.
Needless to say, Jesse and his family and friends save the whales, save the day, and save humanity as they help nature once again triumph over industry. It’s a heartwarming tale that teaches you things. It’s school for a Saturday. I can name at least 5 lessons it taught me that I remember to this day, like:
- Always shake the hand of any girl that you meet. That’s A+ flirting.
- Whales f***ing love harmonicas yo. They’ll be putty in your Piano Man hands.
- SeaWorld, Big Oil, Evil Yuppie CEOs… they’re all part of a giant conspiracy. Skull & Bones sh*t.
- You can become bosom friends with any animal, anywhere. They won’t eat you if you’re cool as hell.
- Denim swimsuits were, and always will be, the bomb.
And those are only five!?! There are myriad lessons about Foster Families, about how Michael Madsen is probably gonna end up being a real badass foster dad who teaches you how to shoot people with saline buckshot, about how Native American holistic medicine is way better than our white, anglo-saxon bullcrap. It’s a picture just rife with learning.
When you watch something as affecting, as moving as Free Willy 2: The Adventure Home, it’s hard to take our entertainment today seriously. A movie with a message–oil bad, orca good–is something we don’t see a lot of today. Studios and directors lack the cajones to impart serious wisdom on the modern viewer. Is it, just maybe, because we lack the sophistication to process such a message? Are we too desensitized by Hell’s Kitchen and the Paddington movie that we don’t even recognize right from wrong anymore?
Maybe. Those seem like questions that are too deep for just one humble blogger to answer. So maybe you should revisit this endlessly discussed classic yourself. Maybe you too will see the deeper lessons that were meant to be imparted on us back then. Maybe now, as a species we’re mature enough to truly appreciate the genius of The Adventure Home.
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Forecastle was delightful. People were lovely and polite. At any moment there was an act to watch, listen to and enjoy. But, even in this festival utopia, there is a hierarchy. There are things that are slightly more awesome and some things that you can do without. Here, presented in as a shameless copy homage to the Grantland Power Rankings, are the 2015 Forecastle Power Rankings.
1. Cathedral’s Lead Singer, Brodie Jenkins
There is no alpha male at Forecastle. There is just Brodie Jenkins. She is intense. If she were a Disney princess, she would be Esmeralda. Both Esmeralda and Jenkins combine seductive (not trashy) dance moves with an emphasis on flowy hand gestures. I worked extremely hard to get a good picture. I just couldn’t. I feared she would sense my weakness and challenge me to a sexy dance off. I’d lose. Royally.
Here’s some homework for you, listen to Cathedral’s song “Harlem.” Your goal is to dance to the song like a sexy, wacky, waving inflatable tube man. Brodie Jenkins can do it. Can you?
Didn’t think so. That’s why she’s number one.
2. Big K.R.I.T.
After watching wispy women croon for hours, watching Big K.R.I.T was like having a good steak after years of clean, vegan eating. Big K.R.I.T claims he, “Grew up on the country side of town/Now I’m ballin’ under the city lights.” His words speak to me. I have country roots AND I tend to ball under city lights. Big K.R.I.T. also raps about “rotating my tires.” I too have had my tires rotated before! Granted, when Mr. K.R.I.T. writes about his rotating tires, he is referring to riding in his car that is “candy coated pearl with the bowling ball swirl.” I’m sure we lead similar lives.
What sets Big K.R.I.T. apart from all the others is his security guard. The security guard does the typical survey of the surroundings and stand while looking uninterested in the flashing lights. What is most impressive is that security guard also took special care that the water bottle labels were all facing out.
I guess we don’t lead similar lives.
3. Sturgill Simpson
Men everywhere should be thanking Sturgill Simpson. When he wrote “The Promise,” he gave every man a “get-out-of-trouble-free-card.”
Guys just keep this song in your back pocket and sing it whenever you’ve done too much (or not enough.)
4. My Morning Jacket
There were a lot of moments spent standing and sweating at Forecastle. There were also a lot of perfect moments. My Morning Jacket might have had the most memorable. During “Wordless Chorus,” the sun had finally gone down. Everyone gathered at the same stage. As My Morning Jacket got to the part of the chorus that was wordless, glow sticks flew through the air. A perfect moment.
I just feel bad for the couple next to me who fought through it all.
Watching VH1’s Behind The Music: Woodstock ’99 will give you anxiety if you ever go to a large music venue. I watched footage of water shortages, fights and overall grime.
Forecastle wasn’t Woodstock ’99. I never waited an unreasonable amount of time in line, there were refillable water stations and I didn’t have to fight anyone to get to the porta-potties. I’m calling that a win.
Festivals are a renaissance for all of the fashion that you thought died. Gauchos are viable clothing options. Fanny packs are a source of pride. Speedos are perfectly respectable in a Non-European climate. Festival wear is also and opportunity to wear a leotard sans pants. As long as your bits are partially covered, the only thing you’ve got to lose is your dignity.
7.Teenage Girl Greetings
Step One: Spot your friend from far away
Step Two: Yell her name. (Make sure that everyone near hears and fear that she is drowning in a pool)
Step Three: Run the entire distance.
Step Four: Meet your friend in the middle; pick her up Dirty Dancing style. You need everyone around you to know you are having the time of your life.
Repeat thirty minutes later when you see her again.
Beach balls are the worst. Would anyone notice if they went to a concert and there were no beach balls? Has anyone ever said, “You know what this concert needs is more beach balls!?”
No. I would support letting people carry knives into the concert, just for the sole purpose of stabbing the beach balls. They are pointless. (Unless you are a plastic surgeon handing out cards to people who get reamed in the face and need a nose job.)
I won’t be able to attend Forecastle today, so all of today’s acts won’t make the rankings. It is safe to assume that the mouse will be modest and the panic will be widespread.
Also not ranked:
Newborn babies at festivals; The Ohio River; People clapping off beat; Vapeists; Artisanal popsicles; Chris Stapleton’s beard; Overpasses that work as shade trees; Men’s refusal to button shirts; The sheer amount of PBR; Requests for “Free bird”; Commonwealth flags on sticks; Joe’s Crab Shack freeloaders; The amount of things Sturgill Simpson has to do before he dies: Dirty hippies; Clean-ish hippies; An overall good time.
While Ms. Brennan English is off on a summer adventure, I’ll be your guide to Forecastle Festival 2015. Aside from trying to touch the least amount of people in a crowded area, I plan on exploring all the music, art and activism. Hopefully, if I follow my to-do list, I’ll have plenty to share with you later on this weekend.
DO: Find A New Band To Enjoy
Obviously, I’m excited to listen to My Morning Jacket, Houndmouth, Sturgill Simpson and all the others. I’m even more excited to daydream that My Morning Jacket will pick me out of the crowd to sing-along with them on “Evil Urges.” I’m just putting this out there, I’m available. But, the greatest part of any festival is finding that one band that you haven’t fallen in love with yet. The next greatest part is talking about them way too much and recommending them to your friends until they get annoyed. I’m sure I’ll find a band to strongly suggest. I just hope it isn’t Diarrhea Planet. They seem to have the most unfortunate name.
Do: Chow Down
I get that this is a music festival. However, you must always follow the golden travel rule: whenever you leave your area code, you must eat fabulous food. I believe that I spent approximately the same amount of time on the Forecastle app investigating the food choices as I did planning my music schedule.
If you need me, I’ll be that girl instagramming my meal. If you are currently judging me, then I’d like for you to honestly tell me you are not even somewhat intrigued by the idea of a jalapeño corndog or pork belly on a stick.
Do: People Watch Without Abandon
Recently, I went to the Rolling Stones concert in Indianapolis and the people watching was unlike anything I’d ever seen before. I have high hopes for Forecastle. I am excited to see what a Louisville hipster looks like. It will be like seeing an animal in its natural habitat. I also get bonus points if the Louisville hipster says that something was so #L1C4YearsAgo.
I also plan on doing an extensive fanny pack and/or flower crown count.
TO-DON’T: Freak Out Like A Teenage Girl
I don’t do well around people with any degree of celebrity. Once, when I was fifteen, I saw Kid Rock in a mall. (It is possible that it was just some man with stringy hair wearing a wife beater.) I freaked out. I don’t even like Kid Rock, but for some reason, I thought I was meeting The Beatles.
I fear I will meet Chris Stapleton and ask him if I can braid his hair or something equally odd. Best-case scenario, I’ll have a story to share.
Regardless of how it all pans out, I’ll have a detailed report this weekend about all the hair-braiding, fanny packs, pork belly and other behind the scenes fun!
By Richmond Bramblet on ©July 17th, 2015 @ 8:28am
Well, that didn’t take long. Just seven days after I put out the call to the Big Blue Nation to break my record of “Most Granny Style Free Throws in One Minute,” I got the email from RecordSetter once again.
This time, it was Kentucky’s own Kyle Brosmore of Crestview Hills, KY who broke my record with 12 free throws in a minute. (Tyler Michael was the rebounder in the video). Kyle actually broke the record the same day the challenge was posted on KSR, so good on you Kyle. Apparently the verification process takes a bit, but none the less you did it.
Due to technological issues, Kyle’s video won’t post on KSR, but you can Click Here to view his record breaking performance.
Now, that doesn’t mean that Kyle has the record forever. 12 Granny Style Free Throws in a Minute is an impressive number, that’s one every five seconds. Can any other member of the Big Blue Nation break it?