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Super-Spooky Halloween Tales!

Super-Spooky Halloween Tales!

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Excuse me, young man. I’m a hobo clown and I was wondering if you could tell me how to get to the locomotive station. As you can see, I have all my belongings wrapped in a handkerchief on this stick, and I have tattered gloves, and I just want to hit the open road to HAHAHAHA GOT YOU! It’s just me, your old pal Tomlin! Not a hobo clown. I love Halloween.

Friends, I don’t need to tell you that the season of the witch is upon us, Halloween, with its creepy ghosts and goblins and terror lurking around every corner. As I know you love Halloween as much as I do, I thought I might drop in today with my annual collection of frightening Halloween stories for you to share at your own get-togethers this weekend. Try not to get too scared by them; they are fairly horrifying. Buckle in and prepare to be scared. And have a happy Halloween, everyone.

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The Scary Houseguest

A young couple returned home from a Halloween party one night and retired to the bedroom to go to sleep. An hour later, a knock came at the door. “Humvahamamuh!” a voice mumbled through the door, “huvnanamaaahhh!” The husband bravely opened the door to see a horrifying spectre from his past. “Hammvanamavahamma!” the spectre moaned.
“Who is it?” asked his wife, frightened.
“It’s just Billy Gillispie,” said the husband. “He probably wants a ride home or something.”
“Weird,” said the wife. “I thought he went back to Texas.”
“I did too, to be honest,” replied the husband. “But he’s out here on the porch.”
“That’s crazy,” said the wife.
“Yeah, I know,” answered the husband.

———

The Phantom Reporter

Vanderbilt Football Head Coach Derek Mason sat in his office one afternoon, going through scouting reports, when a reporter knocked at his door and walked into his office. The reporter looked very pale; he had deep-set, dark eyes, and he pierced Derek Mason with an intense gaze. “Coach Mason,” he said very hauntingly, “are you pleased with how the team has been playing?”
“I think we’re playing very good football but getting some tough breaks,” said Mason.
“Well,” said the creepy reporter. “I think the team looks very good.”
Later, when Mason was meeting with his staff, he asked “Hey, do any of you guys know of a creepy reporter who looks really pale and has a really spooky stare? He came by my office and told me the team looked very good.”
The room became very quiet as the staff looked around at each other in shock.
“Coach, that wasn’t just any reporter,” said assistant coach Charles Bankins. “That was Keith Handley, the reporter who dresses up to make himself look like a ghost reporter.”
“Oh, okay,” said Mason. “That makes sense now. But why do you all look so scared?”
“Because,” replied Bankins. “Vanderbilt football hasn’t been very good since at least 1982!

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A Vision from the Past

Mississippi State Basketball Head Coach Rick Ray came out of the locker room to practice and blew his whistle. “Okay, let’s get started!” he shouted.
The team looked at him in disbelief. “C-Coach, your head!” said Tevin Moore, handing him a mirror.
As he peered into the mirror, he shrieked at the horrific visage in the reflection. “Oh, dear God no,” he cried.
“What is it?” asked Moore.
Ray clutched his head, breaking the mirror dropping to his knees, his wails filling Humphrey Coliseum. “It’s the ghost of Rick Stansbury’s hair!”

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The Ghost Coaches

Bruce Pearl walked through Auburn Arena with the University President, discussing his role as Auburn’s new head coach.
“We think you’ll do great here,” said the President, ” and we’re happy to have you. But I have to warn you, sometimes people say Auburn Arena is haunted by the ghosts of old coaches.”
“Really?” Asked Pearl.
“Yes,” said the President. “A janitor once said he saw old Sonny Smith, pacing the sidelines as if he was still coaching a phantom team.”
Wow,” said Pearl.
“And once,” continued the President, “an administrative assistant said she swears Shug Jordan was standing at the end of one of the halls, looking at old trophies in the case.”
“Amazing,” said Pearl.
“One time,” said the President, “a player said he saw Bill Lynn standing in that doorway over there, watching him play.”
“That’s unbelievable,” said Pearl. “Hey, isn’t that Tony Barbee sitting over there in the rafters right now?”
“Yes,” said the President, “but that’s not a ghost. That’s really Tony Barbee, he still lives here in the basement and sleeps on a cot.”

———
A Mystery on the Farm

One autumn, a month before Halloween, a farmer began noticing over the course of several weeks that his chickens and pigs were disappearing from their pens. At first he suspected foxes or coyotes were the culprit, but traps wouldn’t stop the disappearances. In the fresh mud near the chicken and pigpens, each morning, he noticed giant footsteps in the ground.
Each night the same thing happened; chickens would disappear, giant footsteps would appear in the mud.
“Maybe it’s Bigfoot,” the farmer’s wife said.
“There’s no such thing as Bigfoot,” scoffed the farmer.
As Halloween approached the disappearances continued, along with the footprints, so the farmer decided one evening to sit up in a chair and find out what was happening. The night grew late, and the farmer fell asleep in his chair only to wake to a noise in the grass.
“Who is it? Who’s out there?” shouted the farmer into the darkness. His pulse pounded and he was paralyzed with fear to come face to face with whatever waited in the shadows.
“Oh, hey, it’s just me,” said freshman Kentucky center Karl Towns, stepping into the light. “Sometimes I like to take night walks. I hope that’s okay that I cut through your farm. Also, I’ve been meaning to tell you that there’s a hole in your fence and I think your chickens and pigs are escaping.”


Watch ‘Housebound’ Before It’s TOO LATE

Watch ‘Housebound’ Before It’s TOO LATE

Grantland naturally beat me to the punch, but I too, suggest that you watch New Zealand horror comedy, Housebound, this Halloween. Or anytime as there is no statute of limitation on horror films, of which I’m aware.

In what may be my favorite movie of the year, aside from ‘The Lego Movie’, of course, ‘Housebound’ manages to do what few horror/comedy mashups can–both frighten and amuse the audience. It takes the bad 80’s horror theme that Tomlin explored yesterday and manages to make it … good? I don’t have my writer’s hat on today.

The film is carried by a an all-Kiwi cast, with its biggest and best the performance being the lead, Morgana O’Reilly; she plays an ‘Orphan Black’-esque felon under house arrest named Kylie, with a sharp and entertaining wit and punk bitchery.

Its on point cast + a twisted storyline + incredible musical score + satisfying horror jumpy moments = you’ll be hooked within minutes.

It’s a new indie comedy that won’t make you cry, unlike both ‘St. Vincent’ AND ‘The Skeleton Twins’ which absolutely broke me.. (Thanks Louie).

So buck the traditional “Halloween” and ‘Hocus Pocus’ lineup, and head on to your local creepy video store Amazon to watch Housebound on VOD. #StillSoIndie

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Funkhouser Presents: Prestigious Awards for Terrible Horror Movies

Funkhouser Presents: Prestigious Awards for Terrible Horror Movies

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Good evening! I’m glad you all could join us here at the Funkhouser Ballroom tonight. As Halloween is just around the corner, we thought this might be a great time to hand out some awards to our favorite horror films of the last thirty years. Remember, there was once a time when people who made movies didn’t expect or work hard for them to be good at all, and the mid-to-late-eighties and early nineties was a veritable smorgasbord of “If you have a horror movie, we will film it and release it to every theater in the country” thinking. It was beautiful, truly, and it brought us a slew of awful, awful films that were released with the same vim, vigor and marketing bucks as Gone Girl. It’s hard to believe, yes, but it was a glorious era. Shall we delve into some superlatives from this bygone horror-film Babylon, shall we? (Note: Most clips rated R for violence or language)

Best Laser-to-Head Explosion Delivered by a Renegade Mall Security Robot: Chopping Mall (1986)

Don’t you worry about why there might be a woman running through an empty mall in her underwear (she was partying in a closed furniture store) or why these robots are chasing her (they were struck by lightning and went haywire), just enjoy the fact that in the Chopping Mall universe it’s entirely possible for mall security to make your head explode. That’s why it’s important to LEAVE THE MALL WHEN THEY SAY THE MALL IS CLOSING.

Best Yogurt Horror: The Stuff (1985)

When you find something white and creamy bubbling out of the ground, and you don’t know what it is, it’s only the next logical step to market it to the general public as a new and delicious food. That’s the general logline of director Larry Cohen’s The Stuff. And I could extrapolate more on the plot, or you could just enjoy the following clip of Saturday Night Live’s Garrett Morris’ head melting while multi-time Screen Actors’ Guild Award Nominee Paul Sorvino shoots a machine gun at it.

Rubberiest Transformation into a Monster Dog: Monster Dog (1984)

Poor rock-and-roller Vince Raven (Alice Cooper). All he wants to do is shoot a music video for his newest video, “See Me in the Mirror,” at a secluded estate — and there’s a monster dog on the loose, killing people. How unfortunate! Warning: if you don’t want to know the ending of Monster Dog, don’t watch the following clip because it will ruin everything for you. If you don’t mind, by all means enjoy the transformation of Vince into the titular monster dog. Because it’s glorious.

Worst Day Out with Grandpa: Terrorvision (1986)

There’s nothing that will leave you with family issues more than watching your grandfather eaten by a monster that comes out of the television. Try explaining to your therapist that despite the fact you had a machine gun at eight years old, the hail of bullets you emptied into it just couldn’t stop the hideous alien creature reducing your dear ol’ pop-pop to liquid.

Most Ridiculously Strong Punch: Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan (1989)

You might be the best boxer in the world, but it doesn’t matter if your opponent is the immortal lake-dwelling undead slasher Jason Voorhees, who will punch the hell out of your head. Such was the case of poor urban tough-guy Julius in Jason Takes Manhattan. The round belongs to Jason. (Warning: language/punching NSFW)

Best Basketball Pass: Deadly Friend (1986)

It’s a timeless tale: boy meets girl, boy falls in love, girl is killed, boy puts a microchip in her brain, turning her into a killing robot-person. But the truly amazing thing is young robot-girl Samantha’s sports abilities, on display in the following clip as she executes a perfect pass just above the numbers.

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Morning Monologue: Daniel Radcliffe Kills Alphabet Aerobics Like It Was Voldemort

Morning Monologue: Daniel Radcliffe Kills Alphabet Aerobics Like It Was Voldemort

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Daniel Radcliffe is back on the talk show circuit, promoting his movie Horns.  During his stop at Jimmy Fallon, it is revealed that Mr. Potter is a bit of a lyrical gangster.  Here he performs Blackalicious’ “Alphabet Aerobics”, which will blow your mind, if not at least keep the dementors away…

 


The Halloween Costumes of Homestar Runner Ranked

The Halloween Costumes of Homestar Runner Ranked

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It’s Halloween time here at Funkhouser.  Halloween brings about a lot of traditions: Trick-or-Treat, costumes, candy induced comas, etc.  However, there is one true Halloween tradition, Homestar Runner Halloween Costumes.

For those not familiar with Homestar Runner, HR is a flash based internet cartoon that started back in 2000.  The cartoons began revolving around the character Homestar Runner.  Over time, the creators (Mike & Matt Chapman and Craig Zobel) started adding more regular characters, including the uber-popular StrongBad.  The Homestar Runner Players expanded to the likes of The Cheat, Coach Z, Strong Mad, Strong Sad, Marzipan and more.  Every Halloween, the creators put together a cartoon based around the holiday, with the characters dressing up as popular 70s, 80s and 90s pop icons.

After Homestar Runner returned on April 1st, the creators of the cartoon decided to bring back the series on a semi-regular basis.  Last week, a teaser was placed on HomestarRunner.com, alluding to a new Halloween Special.  So, in preparation for that special day, we rank the top-three costumes of each of the main characters of Homestar Runner.  The costumes are ranked on an overly subjective scale of obscurity, as well how much they look like the character/person they’re portraying, (This does not include the 2010 Christmasween Costumes, other than one exception).

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Homestar Runner

#3. John McEnroe

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#2 Carl Spackler

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#1 Artie “The Strongest Man In The World”

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Honorable Mentions: Yahoo Serious, Greatest American Hero

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Strong Bad

#3. Cesar Romero as the Joker

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#2 Ozone (From Breakin’ and Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo)

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#1 Jambi (Pee Wee’s Playhouse)

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Honorable Mentions: Beetlejuice, Father Guido Sarducci

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Charles Barkley Is At His Most Charles Barkley-est When Playing Charades

Charles Barkley Is At His Most Charles Barkley-est When Playing Charades

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It almost sounds like a Family Guy non-sequitur. “Yeah Lois, it’s like that one time I played charades with Charles Barkley…”  But Sir Charles made an appearance on The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon, playing charades with Ewan McGregor and Jeff Tweedy.  Words can’t even express how perfect this is.

 


The Walking Dead: TAINTED MEEAATT!!!

The Walking Dead: TAINTED MEEAATT!!!

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Good morning Dead-ites!  Last night on The Walking Dead, I think we had a truly transformative conversation about cannibalism and the physical and emotional cost of ‘the Hunger.’  This guy knows what I’m talking about.  Namely to say that it is bad.  If there’s any lesson to gain from Episode three, I believe that it is probably “Bad things happen to those who cook and eat other people, no matter how they prepare them.”  I think that’s a great lesson to live by and an important thing to teach our kids.

Again, though, pleasantly shocked by the quality of this episode.  Looking at past seasons, the third episode has generally been on the tail end of excitement for the season (there was Carl’s surgery and Shane killing Otis in Season 2, Michonne and Andrea finding Woodbury in Season 3, Lots of flu in Season 4) and then there’s been the drag.  After watching this, I’m still hopeful that we’re going to skip ‘the drag’ this season and have an action packed jaunt up to our nation’s capital.  Until that happens, this was an exciting episode, let’s recap!

PS.  Starting next week, I’m going to include a new feature.  Tweet using the hashtag #BBWD (Big Blue Walking Dead) and I’m going to pick out a few of my favorites and either highlight them, use them as talking point or both.  Just try to top my puns, I dare you!

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Photobombing: Mississippi State University

Photobombing: Mississippi State University

 

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Welcome to Mississippi State University! We are happier than pigs in slop that you have chosen to continue your edgy-cation with us at MSU and can’t wait for you to learn all the great things about the University. You will have already received your mandatory cowbell and Duck Dynasty™ Season 6 DVD and you’re ready to embark on a mission of learning!

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With a beautiful, picturesque Southern campus and down-home hospitality, the friends you make at MSU will be among the best you’ll ever meet, whether gathering together to study, chat or just relax and enjoy each other’s company. If you need to use the bathroom at any time, Keith, just use a bottle. It’s okay.

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Whether you’re commuting or living on campus, Mississippi State will inevitably become “home” in no time, which means that — just like the home you grew up in — you can murder any trespasser who steps foot on your land. They will be buried in an unmarked graveyard back behind the Poultry Science Building. Sssshhh! Remember: you are within your rights!

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Lunch is available from 10:30 am to 1:45 pm weekdays, 11:00 am to 1:00 pm on Saturday and Sunday. Meal choices in Mississippi State’s dining halls include barbecue, lemonade tea and barbecue. And lemonade tea.

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Here we see the MSU Budgetary Committee putting the finishing touches on the 2015 residence halls budget in one of  MSU’s state-of-the-art meeting boardrooms. You won’t find any “bull” in MSU’s hardworking administration (though you may find an actual bull, which you should be sensitive not to provoke).

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Mississippi State Student Government loves to work hard…and play hard! Everyone mugs for the camera except the blonde in the top right, who was under the impression that joining Student Government would be a great way to impact the campus and not just watch a bunch of hilarious cut-ups quote lines from Glee. Sorry, Katie!

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The Department of Public Safety at Mississippi State is always on alert and protecting you and the campus from harm. Except during break time, which is time for the officers to — Hey, we told you not to come in here! It’s not what it looks like, okay? It’s…it’s…listen you better not say anything about this you hear me? This is what makes us feel alive and no one understands.

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At Mississippi State we love Bully, our bulldog mascot. Here we see Bully alongside his costumed counterpart and — uh oh! Hands where we can see them, you two!

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Students from Mississippi State’s Fashion Design & Merchandising Department gather together to celebrate another year of great collaboration. As you can see, there are varying degrees of skill level at work in the Mississippi State Fashion Design & Merchandising Deparment. But we’re a family, and that’s what counts. Seriously, many of us are literally family, which makes the Fashion Design & Merchandising Department Christmas Dance a target for the media each year.

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Get in on the “act” when you study musical theater at Mississippi State University in our illustrious Drama Department! Deliver your lines and “steal the show” when you take the stage among your peers. Please be on the lookout for Phillip, though; he is not affiliated with Mississippi State University or its Drama Department — he simply loves musical theater. If you see him please alert your professors as Phillip is currently under a legal restraining order.

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College is a great time for “partying,” but please be responsible. That rabbit is not real, Clem, and perhaps you shouldn’t be driving. No one else can see it but you. You probably need to lie down.

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Whatever interests you pursue at Mississippi State, you can do it while ridiculously ringing a cowbell at all times. Trust us, everybody really loves it a lot, so by all means please keep doing it all the time.

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I SAID HANDS WHERE WE COULD SEE THEM, YOU TWO. Somebody get me a hose.


Is Scarlett Johansson the Right Lead for Ghost in the Shell?

Is Scarlett Johansson the Right Lead for Ghost in the Shell?

A good friend of mine recently posted 17 words on Facebook questioning the choice of Scarlett Johansson as the main character in a live-action version of 1995’s anime classic Ghost in the Shell. Those three sentences turned into a heated 21-comment thread that had to be defused with purposely humorous video embeds to calm everyone down, as happens with many such Facebook exchanges.

Why did my buddy and his buddies and a lot of other people’s buddies get riled up about Johansson taking the central role in a not too well-known sci-fi action flick? As Black Widow and Lucy, she’s proven herself to be a box-office draw as an action movie star, and she’s an exGhostcellent actress regardless. Well, if you’re not familiar, Ghost in the Shell occupies a place in the anime pantheon as one of the genres best-written, best-animated, and well-received anime movies ever. Oh, and the white, (usually) blonde, American Johansson would be portraying a raven-haired Japanese cyborg named Major Motoko Kusanagi. Let the flames begin.

This Facebook thread created some deep and interesting discussions regarding race, racism in Hollywood, Western adaptations—and many would say adulterations—of Japanese cinema, film casting in general, and a several other issues not really germane to the topic. Chief among them was, should Johansson be playing an Asian character?

The matter of race in cinema is not a small one. Given that many actors who are members of an ethnic minority, even those who have found critical acclaim, assert that making it in Hollywood as a non-white actor is still difficult, the topic deserves more than cursory treatment, and certainly more than I can give it here. On the surface, it would seem that casting Scarlett Johansson as Major Kusanagi in the most anticipated live adaptation of an anime film (Akira just ain’t happening anytime soon) would be an obvious insult to Asian or Asian-American actors who could ably play the role. I’m not so sure it is, though, for the following reasons:

  1. Though GITS is Japanese in origin and most of the characters have Japanese names, being Japanese or Asian is not an irreplaceable part of the character of Kusanagi. The story could have been—and could still be—the same were she named something American or Russian or Sudanese. It’s not like she’s being cast as Minny Jackson in The Help. If the live-action GITS is set anywhere but near-future Japan (see #2 below), I suspect that the main character will not be named Motoko Kusanagi. That said, I would have a huge problem with Scarlett Johansson playing a Japanese character named Motoko Kusanagi (wait for the last portion; link slightly NSFW). That would indicate that the director thought being Asian is integral to the character, but that such an important role couldn’t be played by an Asian actress. That would be a pretty big Eff-You.
  2. The story deals with themes of human- and transhumanism, the relationship between humans and machines, identity, individualism, etc., which are ideas that transcend most cultural and ethnic boundaries. In fact, if I had to guess, since Londoner Rupert Sanders will direct, the movie could be set anywhere from London to New York to Tokyo to Shanghai, really anywhere that can resemble a metropolis in the not-too-distant future. This shouldn’t materially change the movie. After all, The Grudge and The Ring (to name just a few) were successful adaptations of Japanese horror movies, largely because their most important elements weren’t dependent upon setting.
  3. Johansson is a gifted actress, and can probably pull off the mental/emotional complexity and demanding physicality of the role. Not saying other actresses couldn’t, but Johansson is a known commodity both talent and profit perspectives. This decision is about money, whether we like it or not, and Scarlett is a safe bet.Black Widow

All that being said, while I think Johansson is a superb actress, I would prefer she not be cast in the role of Kusanagi:

  1. The more GITS becomes about Johansson as Kusanagi, the less it becomes about the original movie itself. It is then infinitely more likely that the film becomes a huge-budget blockbuster worried only about making its money back and not too much about making a good movie. Yes, I understand that movies don’t get made for free, but I’m tired of really bad movies that could have been really good with a little more attention paid to screenplay, dialogue, etc., and at minimal expense. We’ve suffered through enough of that crap (Star Wars Episodes I-III, Terminator Salvation, etc.). I don’t want that to happen to my favorite anime, especially when there really haven’t been any good live anime adaptations (Fist of the North Star? Bleargh!), and especially-especially because GITS could be perfect for live adaptation in the right hands. Don’t get me wrong: I’d love to see live-action Akira, but it would be really tough to make the effects look good.
  1. So many good actors of non-white ethnicities—especially women—get so few good non-stereotyped roles. If nothing else but for better representation in film, I would love to see an Asian actress play this originally Asian role. There must be dozens of women who could fit this part well, maybe as well as Johansson. For studio purposes, a lesser-known but talented Asian actress could take the role for less than a tenth of the $10 million reportedly offered to Johansson. If the movie is crap, Johansson’s draw is only going to be so much after the first weekend, and probably winds up not being worth the price. If GITS ends up being a good film, though, it will be because of the screenplay adaptation and other non-Johansson elements. In this case, it probably brings in a ton of money worldwide with or without her, so why not save some money?
  2. Maybe the movie loses something in the translation, starting with its American lead actress? This is a stretch, but there may be cultural elements of GITS that simply don’t make it from animation to live action. I honestly have no idea what those might be, and we’d only recognize them when seeing the movie. By then it’s too late. GITS doesn’t get another shot at adaptation for another 10-20 years, if ever; and gets unfairly tagged as a cautionary tale for future anime adaptations.

I realize that my status as a white, American male in his 30s influences my views in ways that I don’t even realize. There are probably dozens of things that I dwelled on that others don’t think are a big deal, and several that I completely overlooked that might be very important to someone else. In either case, Scarlett Johansson can and likely will do a great job with Major Kusanagi, or whatever her name ends up being. And really thinking about the characters and themes in Ghost in the Shell, the live-action version probably doesn’t have to stay an “Asian” film to have the same impact as the original, if the movie is done correctly and stays close enough to its source material. But the further it gets away from 1995’s masterpiece, the less hope it has of matching the quality of its progenitor. To boil it down, I really just want to Ghost in the Shell done right.

Please let me know in the comments section what you think about all this.

Follow me on Twitter: @MattShorr


Hannibal Buress Made Headlines & I’m Exploiting it

Hannibal Buress Made Headlines & I’m Exploiting it

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Just to talk about Hannibal Buress.

If you don’t know what headlines I’m referring to, you need to step up your Internetting. Fine, or just Google “Hannibal Buress” and maybe throw in a “Bill Cosby” for good measure.

Bill Cosby being an accused rapist (again and again) aside, it is apparently a bit that Hannibal has been doing for about 6 months now that randomly got traction/blew up the Internet because the technological age is …. slow sometimes?

But I’m using this brief window in which Hannibal Buress is a headline story to my advantage to praise a guy who may be the next in line for the title of the best in comedy, potentially taking the helm from a personal fan, Louis CK.

Much of the Funkhouser writing crew is already in love with Hannibal Buress, and here’s just a few reasons why:

30 Rock

Hannibal Buress was a writer for the fifth season of 30 Rock for a short six months, but his real impact on the Emmy-winner and my favorite comedy of the 2000’s, was felt as the “recurring homeless guy.”

Whether it was vomiting on (stupid) Lutz for proclaiming “it’s just hard to concentrate, it’s so nice working outside” or telling Liz Lemon to kiss a sexy baby, Hannibal really brought it to the obscure cameo role, summing up why it’s not really that crazy to hate New York.

Gibberish Rap

The original song was recorded in a “friend of a friend’s”, and was released with Clams Casino on THA BEAT and production help from his friend, Tony Trimm. It came out in the glory days of rap music, late 2012.

Naturally it blew up because look at these $%&*%^ lyrics (brought to you by the good people of Rap Genius):

Rappin, rap rap rappin’
I’m rappin, rap rap rappin’ (rap)
In my socks rapping (socks)
Got on my jeans (jeans)
Jeans, degrees put on deodorant
Soda sh*t, Whodepsit
KSBFKLAJSBVLJHEB;OAWEINVWEAIORBNVEWI;RV;KASNDVK;;adl;knadkjvndkjans;kvjv ksJDNVSKJDNVSD;JNSDKJ
Gibberish rap!
*raps more gibberish rap followed by the line killing the b**ch*
Gibberish rap. *begins laughing*
Yooooo, That was off the top of the head!!!!
Y’all want more? Oh sh**!!!!

Some other lyrics have been added or subtracted since the original recording dropped, namely some referring to chicken body parts, but I digress.

The song became the #1 rap single in Norway, supposedly, and was then remixed by Skrillex himself live, with some help from Ryan Phillipe.

His music career has taken off, and Hannibal released a classic two-sided mixtape with Tony Trimm which featured Flying Lotus, A$AP Rocky, and more. Dope.

My favorite part? “I was drinkin’ in the club, I went to the club, had a drink in that club then I left that club, went to another club, beat a seal with a club.”

Listen to Charcuteries and Champagne here.

Because of his unparalleled musical genius in scat and autotune, Hannibal Buress was chosen to direct and star a music video for up and coming rap star, Chance the Rapper (who recently visited UK’s campus).

Watch “NaNa” here.

Juice

Hannibal Buress is likely best-known not as failed SNL writer or a musician, but a standup comedian. He’s been featured on a 2012 Comedy Central special, Animal Furnace, every late night show that remains on your television, and has performed with John Oliver and Aziz Ansari, and probably others, I DUNNO.

But through listening to far too much Hannibal standup on YouTube, I have come to the conclusion his best jokes are about juice.

Hannibal enjoys pickles, and rather than throwing away the jar once the pickles are gone, he uses the pickle juice for seasoning, flicking it upon his sandwiches. Very economical and eco-friendly. Neil Young would be proud.

Hannibal’s other juice bit revolves around apple juice; if you’re buying a lot of apple juice on sale at a grocery store, the old man glaring at you and your white girlfriend must not be racist–he’s jealous of your apple juice. That’s what the euphoria of apple juice does to a person, makes them forget racism exists.

The Eric André Show

It’s a late night, parody talk show on Adult Swim. It stars Eric André and Hannibal Buress. They talk about such useful things as Elmo and sampling pretzels. It’s known for making some nervous.

Lincoln

Lastly, in my “stuff about Hannibal Buress and why he’s awesome” list, we have Broad City.

After scoring his own development deal with Comedy Central, Hannibal is co-starring in the series Broad City, has a commitment for a pilot for his own show, and a one-hour standup special after his ongoing standup tour.

Here’s what Buress had to say on all that Comedy Central $$:

This is really exciting I can finally quit my day job at Quiznos. People talk down about the illuminati a lot, but this is proof that membership has its benefits.

My favorite comedy currently on television, Broad City is the expansion of a web-series started by Abbi Jacobson and Illana Glazer. The show is essentially a buddy comedy about two loser 20-somethings making their way, poorly, in New York City. No, it is NOT HBO’s Girls, in that it is actually funny as opposed to just depressing and anxiety-inducing.

Hannibal stars as dentist and hookup partner of Illana, and he is the responsible voice of reason alongside Illana (she eats bagels from trash cans and sleeps on toilets).

The show has absolutely allowed Hannibal’s brand of dry humor to thrive, and if you’re going to watch anything on this list… don’t watch the Eric André Show. Make it this.

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Heroes.


Burgoo Game Review (and Giveaway!)

Burgoo Game Review (and Giveaway!)

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It is (read: should be) well known that Burgoo is THE food of Kentucky, whether people who live here readily know that or not.  Owensboro claims itself as the “Center of the Burgoo Universe.” It was ranked #12 by Deadspin in “Foods of the States Ranked” where they said:

Kentucky’s signature food, a whatever-you-got stew that never tastes the same twice, gets a million imaginary bonus points for its wonderful communal nature: People just bring whatever ingredients they can, and everybody puts what they’ve got into the stew, and out comes burgoo, and that is just f****** beautiful, even though in reality probably 78 percent of its ingredients were scraped off I-64 with a snow shovel.

Outside of that last half sentence, Burgoo is awesome because it is a communal food. People bring what ingredients they have and combine them with the ingredients of others to make one unique stew.  That communal aspect is also at the heart of Tasty Minstrel Games’ microgame: Burgoo.

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Burgoo is a microgame for 2-5 “chefs” and says it plays in 15-20 minutes, but the more you play it, that play time might be shorter once you get used to it.  The game was made by Dan Manfredini, with art by Rob Lundy.  Burgoo is a reskinning of a game that Manfredini had previously made called “Chains of Fenir” with a theme from Norse mythology, but in its current state, Burgoo fits the microgame theme much better.

Here’s how Burgoo is played:

Each player takes two each of the following ingredients: meat, carrots, onions, celery, potatoes, and spices, and randomly places them on the table in front of them in a long column, making their “batch”.  Each player will then take one of each ingredient and place those tiles hidden in their hand.  The remaining ingredient tiles go back into the middle to form the “pot” of Burgoo.

In a two player game, each player would make two "batches" apeice

In a two player game, each player would make two “batches” apiece, this is just an example of batches and the pot…

On a player’s turn, they will do one of three actions: 1) Add an Ingredient, 2) Sample the Burgoo, 3) Split a Batch.  That’s it, turns are pretty simple.  If you add an ingredient, you choose one ingredient from your hand say what type it is and then either top or bottom. You would then take that ingredient from your hand and throw it in the pot.  If you choose top, you and every player that has that ingredient at the top of their batch column will also remove it from that spot in their batch and place it in the pot.  If you call bottom, the same happens, except from the bottom of the column.

If you start running out of ingredient tiles in your hand, you might want to Sample the Burgoo.  To do this, you simply say what ingredient you’re taking from the pot (so everyone knows), and put it in your hand.

If you Split a Batch, you take an ingredient from your hand and add it to the pot.  You can then split your batch above or below that ingredient in the line.  This allows you to have two columns to work with, and might be able to put multiple ingredients into the pot at once. You can split your batch as many times as you want, but only once per turn.  The batches can also be any length.

If you call an ingredient, and it happens to be the last ingredient in one of your neighbor’s batches, you capture that ingredient and put it in your hand instead of it going into the pot. Why is this important? Because the winner of the game is the first person to put their entire batch into the pot, and if there’s a tie, the winner is the person with the most ingredients remaining in their hand when they go out.  If there’s a tie there, the player who made the final play wins the game.

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I’ll be honest, about halfway through my first play of Burgoo I thought, “How is this a game?”  Players were quiet, just picking an ingredient and placing it in the pot from their batch, seemingly kind of bored with the game.  BUT – there was a moment as we were playing, when people started splitting batches and running out of ingredients, where it got tense and exciting.  The strategy of the game kicked in, paying attention to the batches of the other players around you, trying to figure how to split your batch in a way that doesn’t benefit your opponents.  My initial reaction had quickly changed, as now I wanted to play it again, seeing exactly how this was a game.  Drawing tiles from the pot, trying to figure out if I played certain ones, if it would allow one of my opponents to win.  Eventually it did, but I was excited to see it all play out.  I would recommend, if you’re bringing this game to a group for the first time, express that you need to play it twice, as the second play through is much more tense as people start to figure out the game.

I have kept going back to Burgoo in my mind since the first time we got to play it.  I keep trying to figure out some amazing strategy to the game where I can win every time, but it’s not possible.  Because the tiles are randomized at the beginning of the game, you’re looking at an all new puzzle every time you play.  I think the next time our group plays it, there is going to be about a minute or so of everyone looking at the table to everyone else’s batches before someone makes the first move.

Burgoo was initially put out through Kickstarter, in Tasty Minstrel’s “pay what you want” model for the game. People could pay $3 for one copy, $6 for two, and so on and so forth. The game did well, selling making over $20,000 on its original $5,000 goal.  Coming in an envelope (as shown in the first picture above), the game consists of 96 ingredient tiles and a rulebook.  The tiles thick enough that you’re not going to accidentally bend them over the course of play or if you keep them just in the baggie they come in.  I really like the artwork for the ingredient tiles, it’s easy to tell what everything is. For some reason though, and it might be that I play games on a fairly brown table, when I’m pulling ingredients from the pot, I have the hardest time finding the brown potato tiles. They just seem to blend in, while the brighter colors of all the other tiles seem to pop a little more.

The two player game works well, and in fact, it’s a whole new puzzle all in its own.  Each player gets two batches instead of one, and the game becomes a struggle (albeit enjoyable) to try and outplay your opponent.  You pretty much know what each other has at all times, and if you can split your batches just right, you can take advantage of plays that they MUST make unless they sample the pot.  I almost liked the two player experience more that the four player.

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This is not going to be a game that you center your game night around, but it’s a good game to play if you’re waiting on someone to get there.  Or, it would serve as a good opener game for a small group of people.  The setup time is minimal, (“If only I could just find the potato”) and it plays in 8-12 minutes.  I would certainly recommend this to people, if you can find a copy.  You’ll only be able to get a copy through Tasty Minstrel Games’ website, once it’s updated (via Gen Con).  Edit: You can get a copy at the Board Game Geek Store for $5.  Oh, I almost forgot. There’s also a Burgoo recipe in the game manual so you can make Burgoo during your game night. Although, every Burgoo enthusiast knows that you should always keep your personal recipe held tight to your chest, despite it being a communal food.  Now I’m hungry…

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Can’t find a copy?  Well you’re in luck!  Thanks to Tasty Minstrel Games, as they have given us THREE copies to give away here on Funkhouser.  All you have to do is leave us a comment in the section below. When you leave a comment, let me know “What is your favorite game to play on game night?”  I will pick three people at random who will each win one (1) copy of Burgoo.  You have until 10/28/14 to leave a comment to enter for a chance to win.


The Walking Dead: ‘Strangers,’ Dangers

The Walking Dead: ‘Strangers,’ Dangers

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What threatened to become tired on last night’s episode of The Walking Dead instead turned into to something much more interesting (and much more disgusting!).  What can I say, I’m a little jaded–looking at you Seasons 2, 3, and 4–and every time the action stops, I’m nervous that the group is going to hunker down and spend the next season and a half hunkered down in a K-mart fighting off Walkers at the Slurpee station.  Happily, though there was more talking this episode than the last one, events still seem to be moving at a rather heady pace;  huzzah!

So grab yourself a turkey leg, a leg of mutton, a chicken leg; snacks that will in no way whatsoever foreshadow anything having to do with anything else in this episode, and enjoy the recap of ‘Strangers’!

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Which Would You Rather?

Which Would You Rather?

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Happy Friday, everyone! Well, we didn’t succeed in freeing Big Blue Madness. So those of you not attending the official kickoff to UK’s basketball season in person at Rupp will be huddled around your laptop watching the proceedings on the internet, which is super fun because it’s not like you don’t already spend an unhealthy amount of time staring at your computer all week! Tonight, as you’re hunched over, squinting at the tiny screen — much like an elderly grandmother does when she’s forwarding the latest email titled “READ THIS: EBOLA SPREADS THROUGH KITTIES’ SANDPAPER-TONGUE KISSES!!1!” — keep in mind that this must be how self-righteous, cable-cancelling cord-cutters watch sports all the time, all in the name of saving $40. SUCKERS!

Anyway, as you look for ways to kill the next few hours of work leading up to the festivities, I thought we could play a quick round of my favorite game: Which Would You Rather?

If you’ve never played Which Would You Rather? before, here’s how it works: I present two scenarios, from which you must decide which you would rather experience. For example, which would you rather do: Dress up as the Wildcat and do one arm pushups when the football Cats beat UT Martin 59-14, or spend four hours as an ESPN phone service representative fielding angry calls and trying to explain the intricacies of copyright laws relating to live broadcasts to members of the Big Blue Nation?

See how much fun that is?!

OK, here’s a tough one for you. Which would you rather watch:

Wolves, starring the dude who played Khal Drogo in Game of Thrones and some kid who had a minor role in the latest X-Men movie, which just takes a bunch of stuff from other recent werewolf movies and shows (A “teen wolf” playing sports! A dreamy wolf-kid whose favorite time of day appears to be “twilight!” A grizzled hunter and a “wolf man” face off!) and throws them all into a trailer that looks like it could be a spoof created by Saturday Night Live.

OR…

A two-hour movie about this monkey giving itself a bath in a sink?

 

I know which one I’d choose (give me the monkey movie, but extended it to three and a half hours because it’s a monkey! Giving itself a bath! In a sink!), but I’ll let you decide for yourself.

 

@TheSEShepherd

 

 

 


10 Things You Didn’t Know About LSU (Number 6 Might Surprise You!)

10 Things You Didn’t Know About LSU (Number 6 Might Surprise You!)

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How well do you know our opponent this weekend? The following TRUE facts might surprise you!

1. The fans once caused an earthquake.

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The crowd reaction to a play at a 1988 home game was strong and loud enough to register as an earthquake by a seismograph in an LSU classroom building.

2. Mike the Tiger can forecast the future.

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Rumor has it that LSU mascot Mike the Tiger can predict the number of touchdowns his team will score by the number of times he roars just before game time.

3. Head Coach Les Miles tastes the grass at each stadium he visits.

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The quirk originates from reporters spying Miles eating grass from Tiger Stadium after a win against Alabama. Additionally, on Friday mornings before home games Miles arrives at the stadium to chew the entire field down to a very tidy 1.2 inches.

4. Eating the food at an LSU tailgate will kill you.

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The average life expectancy of a Louisianan in 2014 is 34 years old, owing largely to high triglycerides, moonshine still explosions, airboat accidents and inadvertent bear trap activation.

5. Mike the Tiger dutifully receives two digital rectal exams per year.

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It’s very important, even for tigers, to stay ahead of colorectal polyps and other illnesses of the prostate and lower intestine.

6. LSU loses an average of 23 fans to water moccasin bites each year.

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Campus officials have tried to curb the snake population inside the stadium but, although numbers appear to be on the decline, have yet to eradicate the snakes within the upper sections.

7. This is a photograph of the current President of Louisiana State University.

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His name is René Moses Babineaux, he loves a good crawfish boil and most decidedly voted AGAINST Newton Crain Blanchard in the last election.

8. Tailgating outside of Tiger Stadium on game day is a family event.

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LSU fans indoctrinate young football-lovers into the fold early, involving them in many of the traditional activities of LSU tailgating at a young age.

9. While visiting Baton Rouge, you run a roughly 67% chance of a Voodoo Man putting a horrific spell on you.

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Upon your safe arrival home it is advised that you check your body for tails, extra eyeballs or the very popular “fire-brain.”

10. By vote in 2011, the Constitution of the State of Louisiana was officially replaced by a widescreen DVD copy of Smokey and the Bandit II.

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It is already more successful than its historic predecessor, which only featured Dom DeLuise a little bit.

 

 

 


Forget Pumpkin Spice, It’s Guillermo del Toro’s Season

Forget Pumpkin Spice, It’s Guillermo del Toro’s Season

We’re midway through October guyz! Halloween is a mere *counts on fingers, 15 days away!

The best part of October isn’t the dreary rain, the pumpkin spice Pringles and Oreos, or the MLB playoffs (ROFL), but the excuse to shamelessly binge and bask in the comforting embrace of Freddy Krueger–or the more family-friendly Sanderson witch sisters.

Indulging in the more twisted, darker elements of fiction night after night throughout the month October is like joining a Fight Club, but for tamer sorts. You can’t have bruised knuckles at that business meeting on the importance of business.

This month, I’ve enjoyed my favorite guilty pleasure genre to the utmost, watching some new horror flicks of the indie fare such as Coherence and Willow Creek and …. less so. Yes, I saw the spinoff movie about the doll from The Conjuring. Eyes were closed the entire movie because DOLLS.

I’ve relived older favorites: Dawn of the Dead, Nightmare on Elm Street, The Fly, Halloween, Ringu, Seven, Silent Hill, Cape Fear, and [rec], to name a few.

No, I don’t exercise. Thanks for being concerned for my health though.

Within that list are some of the most well-known horror and thriller minds of the past 40 years–George Romero, David Carpenter, and David Cronenberg, but today is for celebrating one active director, screenwriter, and producer, Guillermo del Toro.

To celebrate the release of his production, the visually-breathtaking animated film, The Book of Life, here’s why you should be watching Guillermo del Toro classics this fall.

Ladies, The Book of Life has Channing Tatum’s voice, gentlemen, Ron Perlman’s. Zoe Saldana, meh?

Treehouse of Horror

While I’ve rarely gone out of my way to watch The Simpsons post-2006, The Treehouse of Horror episodes are a yearly ritual, a portal one must cross before being permitted to speak of Oscar season. Last year’s episode wasn’t particularly riveting, but its Couch gag, filled with references to the major del Toro films, Hitchcock, King, and every movie monster imaginable is worth multiple re-viewings. It’s evidence of what an absolute nerd, just like you and me!, that del Toro truly is.

Need more proof that Guillermo could dominate at cos-play?

Bleak House

Guillermo del Toro’s Bleak House or Man Cave, in Los Angeles isn’t as much a home as a source of inspiration for del Toro and those with which he works.

Every item in the house is

here to try and provoke a sort of shock to the system and get circulating the lifeblood of imagination which I think is curiosity. When we lose curiosity, I think we lose entirely inventiveness, and we become old.

A creative wacko with malformed fetuses and pictures of the Cheshire cat decorating his home; but he’s clearly not just into creepy, as one can cite in his involvement in Puss in Boots and Kung Fu Panda. I find Antonio Banderas creepy but otherwise, Puss in Boots is ever so cheerful.

War

Did any American public school kid ever learn about the Spanish Civil War? Of course we didn’t; we naturally had to be taught by a Mexican filmmaker. He really should have starred in Revenge of the Nerds.

The fact that war, the broadest reaching real life horror, isn’t the subject of more genre films outside of traditional dramas is rather shameful, but del Toro does it masterfully. Though best known for Pan’s Labyrinth, the story of an Army officer’s daughter escaping into a fable during the Spanish Civil War, his other suspenseful, though less fantastical story, The Devil’s Backbone, is my personal favorite.

The film explores the dichotomy of extreme depravity and greed alongside the decency of humanity, portraying an isolated boys’ orphanage run by Republican sympathizers outside in 1939 Spain, just before the ultimate victory of Franco’s forces.

As bleak as this sounds, I must reassure you that there is a ghost. Ghosts make everything better.

Both The Devil’s Backbone and Pan’s Labyrinth are must watch films during the month of October that go beyond the scope of a typical horror, war drama, or fantasy, and both frighten an audience, and get it talking.

The effects of war on children is key in both films:

I hate Hollywood movies with children as happy, brainless creatures that spout one-liners. What I tried to put in The Devil’s Backbone is how unsafe it is to be a child. Many times in my life I saw children almost kill each other.

Orphans!

In real life, the thought of an orphan makes an ordinary human quite sad. But introduce an orphan element in a horror film and AH S***.

Del Toro’s fascination with the darkness of childhood can be seen in his best Spanish-language films (his best films are ALL Spanish language films), such as The Devil’s Backbone, Cronos, and The Orphanage. Clearly, they each involve orphans as well.

Cronos is a 1993 film written and directed by del Toro about an Mexican antique dealer and his orphan granddaughter who live a rather peaceful and idyllic life until an ancient and powerful device makes its way into his shop. The golden insect can grant its user eternal life, but at a “naturally unnatural” cost to his humanity. Additionally an evil Ron Perlman and his employer will stop at nothing to attain the device. Combining a powerful and innocent young orphan girl, Ron Perlman, insect references, perverted human behavior, clocks, death, and Catholicism–this film has all the trademarks of del Toro. It is sad and creepy and worth watching this Halloween.

One of the best scary flicks of the 21st century has to be The Orphanage. Produced by del Toro and directed by a protégé , Juan Antonio Bayona, this is one of the most visually striking, yet simple suspense-driven horrors ever made. The tension is absolutely palpable. Set in the protagonist’s childhood home, a former orphanage for handicapped children, it tells the story of a mother and her adopted son’s tragic disappearance. Its supernatural and traditional elements leave you both terrified and devastated.

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Although I’m not a fan of The Hobbit films (del Toro is the screenwriter), one can’t help but respect the man’s range. If you’re not watching or re-watching the Spanish language horror classics discussed above this month, Mama and Splice are both decent horror films with a touch of the del Toro worth one’s time. And there’s Hellboy, though his love of cats is anything but scary.