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KSR’s take on recent non sports related happenings

Photobombing: UCLA

Photobombing: UCLA

UCLA_Entrance_Sign

Welcome to UCLA! Get ready to experience your education at a top-rated school The Hollywood Reporter recently referred to as “boffo” and Variety once named “the perfect educational vehicle for Emmy Award-winner Tom Skerritt!” It’s time for you to take learning to the next level at the very institution noted film critic Leonard Maltin once called “not laid out great” while teaching an adjunct class!

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Hey, guys! Get off the grass! Just kidding. The grass is created by computer generated imagery, or “CGI.” In fact, UCLA is the only university in the nation to be projected entirely onto a green screen, so enjoy the fabulous sites and sounds all around you but don’t wear green or people will be able to see through you.

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UCLA is all about the “LA Lifestyle,” which means when you’re not studying hard for a final at Williams Andrew Clark Memorial Library you’re free to explore underneath the many piers of Los Angeles’ beautiful beaches with your post-Britpop space-rock/slowcore fusion band as you shoot possible album liner photos with your Instagram “Lo-Fi” filter!

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Just another day on campus? Wrong! In just a few seconds a director will call action and Will Smith’s Galborian Intergalactic Escape Pod will come screaming and crashing down onto the sidewalk as a take in Renny Harlin’s latest sci-fi actioner Solar Justice comes to life before the running cameras. Look for it in July 2016!

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Call us! We’ll do lunch! Learn how to network throughout the industry when you enroll in UCLA’s award-winning Entertainment Connections Program and you’ll soon be discussing the latest numbers on that student film while you do cocaine off a samurai sword and text your mistress in Toluca Lake. As Cannonball Run II star Telly Savalas would say, “Who loves ya, baby?” We do! UCLA does!

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Get valuable work experience in the television industry with one of UCLA’s prime internships, available by applying at the UCLA Office of Work studies. Here we see a young intern already tasked with the important job of conducting a poll for Entertainment Tonight! And — spoiler alert — only 55% of you love Reese Witherspoon’s new haircut!

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Surprise! Dr. Judy Wong of UCLA’s Resnick Neuropsychiatric Hospital is hiding all over campus, waiting to jump out and scare you! But between you and us, we think she’s doing a lot more “delighting” than “frightening” people these days!

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Don’t worry! We don’t know what it is either! And we won’t tell anyone you don’t! Trust us, there’s stuff like this all over campus! That’s what makes UCLA so eclectic — just nod and pretend and your next girlfriend could be a yoga teacher who pretends to enjoy the films of Gael Garcia Bernal!

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The dining halls at UCLA are second to none. At any given hour you can meet up with your “amigos” and “fuel up” with some “‘za” as you make plans to head out to studio city and attend a taping of the hit CBS show Mom, starring Allison Janney and Anna Faris. While you’re in the dining hall, keep an eye open and maybe you’ll see Fast Steven. If you do, tell him hello — if you can catch him!

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No Katie, the second-to-third act shift has to come when Paul Blart realizes that his overzealousness just cost him his job! Only then can he come to terms with the fact that by foiling the big bank robbery can he gain everyone’s trust back! Workshopping your spec scripts are even easier (and more fun) when you’re doing it with fellow Bruins!

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Community garden, right?…don’t worry, we won’t tell! We’re cool!

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Many of UCLA’s award-winning professors are ex-industry professionals themselves. For instance, you’re sure to learn a lot from Nine to Five and Slap Maxwell star Dabney Coleman, who runs UCLA’s molecular biology department.

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From the day you step foot on UCLA’s campus you’ll be primed and prepared for a valuable career beyond our prestigious classrooms. Enjoy it, have fun, study hard and we can’t wait to see you as “Latino Gangbanger #4″ on an episode of NCIS: Los Angeles someday. At UCLA, you’re on your way!


Funkhouser’s Ultimate Christmas Album 2014

Funkhouser’s Ultimate Christmas Album 2014

 

Funkhouser Logo

FUNKHOUSER’S ULTIMATE CHRISTMAS ALBUM 2014

Over the course of the last four days, Funkhouser writers have shared with you their favorite holiday/Christmas songs.  The goal for all of these lists has been to provide our loyal Funkhouser readers with a Christmas playlist that they can enjoy and share at Christmas parties or holiday celebrations in the remaining time this season.  We wanted to give you a list of music that would break up the monotony of the same 20 songs that get played on the Christmas radio stations.  While a few of those songs you normally would hear are here, there are many you may never have heard before.

If you want to go back to see the individual lists from this week, and reasons for selecting each song, click the names of the Funkhouser writers below:

Kalan Kucera | Richmond Bramblet | C.M. Tomlin | Brennan English | S.E. Shepherd

Check out the playlists that we’ve put together for you below, we hope you enjoy them.  At the bottom of the page, we have bonus playlists from some of the KSR family who were unable to post their favorites, but we wanted to share them with you.

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SPOTIFY PLAYLIST:

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YOUTUBE PLAYLIST:

There are some songs however, that aren’t on Spotify for you to enjoy in the playlist.  You can go ahead and blame that one on T. Swift.  Anyway, any of the songs that weren’t on Spotify have been placed in a YouTube playlist for your enjoyment.

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We were also joined by other KSR family members who were unable to do a post for the website, but sent along their favorite Christmas tunes.  Their selections have been placed in the Spotify and YouTube playlists.

Matt Shorr:

Run DMC: Christmas in Hollis: Best Christmas song ever, in the best Christmas movie ever (“Die Hard”)

A John Waters Christmas: various artists.  All the songs are so gloriously off-kilter, you can’t pick just one.  However, pay close attention to “Happy Birthday Jesus” and “Little Mary Christmas.”  For the most jaded and cynical among us.

Dr. Demento Presents The Gretest Christmas Novelty CD of All Time: various artists.  Again, for the Christmas iconoclast, but less guilt-inducing than John Waters’ compilation.  This is pure Detroit late-night radio madness, with Weird Al, the Mackenzie Brothers, and a bunch of others your grandparents laughed at until their guts hurt.  Some annoying songs, but some with real staying power.

“Baby Please Come Home”: U2.  This will remind you that Bono actually has a great voice.  A classic sung by a classic.

“Silent Night”: Stevie Nicks.  You didn’t need reminding that Nicks has an amazing voice.  But here’s a reminder anyway.

 

Shannon The Dude:

Paul McCartney – Wonderful Christmas Time

Bing Crosby – Snow

Scott Weiland – Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas

John Coltrane – My Favorite Things

Vince Guaraldi Trio – Christmas Time is Here

Zooey Deschanel – Baby It’s Cold Outside

Mannheim Steamroller – Deck The Halls

Fiona Apple – Frosty The Snowman

 

Maria:

Mariah Carey: All I want for Christmas is You

Mariah Carey: Santa Claus is Comin’ to Town

Michael Buble: Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)

Celine Dion: Don’t Save it All for Christmas Day

Brenda Lee: Rockin’ Around The Christmas Tree

Andy Williams: It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year

Idina Menzel (duet with Michael Buble): Baby It’s Cold Outside

Johnny Mathis: It’s Beginning to Look a lot like Christmas

Carrie Underwood: Do You Hear What I Hear?

The Eagles: Please Come Home For Christmas

 

Tyler:

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays – NSYNC

All I Want For Christmas is You – Mariah Carey

Last Christmas – WHAM

Christmas Wrapping – The Waitresses

Christmas (Baby Please Come Home) – Death Cab For Cutie

Angels We Have Heard on High – Sufjan Stevens

Do They Know It’s Christmas – Band Aid

Oh Christmas Tree – A Charlie Brown Christmas

War is Over – John Lennon

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We here at Funkhouser wish everyone a Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah or a festive whatever you do or don’t celebrate!  All the best to you and your families!

The Funkhouser Christmas Album: Part 5

The Funkhouser Christmas Album: Part 5

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We are in the ho-ho-home stretch now, folks! I have to be honest, before this week I had no idea just how many Christmas songs existed. There are a lot! Once the Funkhouser crew is done with this little experiment, you lucky ducks are going to have a ton of new tunes to listen to while you go wassailing through your neighborhoods next week. So without further ado, let’s get on with it.

Here, in no particular order, are my five favorite holiday jams. Unlike some of the songs selected by my fellow writers that can be blasted at any old time, these tunes are best listened to with glassy eyes and a belly full of booze. I strongly suggest listening to these while slowing getting faded off a giant vat of bourbon and starring quietly at the twinkling lights of your tree. Click on the link to listen to each song.

 

Back Door Santa — Clarence Carter

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On the surface, this 1968-jam from Clarence Carter (which features the horn riff Run DMC used in “Christmas in Hollis”) is little more than a catchy, rhythm-and-bluesy holiday song about a “Santa” who prefers to enter the homes he visits via the back door instead of the chimney. That not only seems practical, but also far safer than navigating icy rooftops. A closer inspection of the lyrics, however, reveals it’s actually about a serial adulterer who visits women while they’re husbands aren’t home and likes to throw change at kids to distract them while he canoodles with their moms. Oh, what a fantastic little diddy to listen to on Christmas!

 

Hard Candy Christmas — Dolly Parton and Her Lady Pals

This hummable bit of melancholy is from the 1982 Burt Reynolds-Dolly Parton musical, The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas. In the film, the song is sung by Dolly Parton and her motley crew of prostitute friends as they pack up and prepare to leave their beloved brothel. Sure it’s a little sad, and maybe it’s not “technically” a Christmas song, but in my book there’s no better way to celebrate the most wonderful time of the year then watching Dolly Parton croon on the front porch of a fictional cathouse.

 

If We Make it Through December — Merle Haggard

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Oh, man. Can anyone sing about the struggles of the working man like Merle Haggard? Again, this isn’t a traditional Christmas song, but I’d argue it resonates with more people than a lot of the jingle-bell driven shlock that gets played this time of year. If you like to get drunk and cry over the holidays, this is the song for you. I mean, if you don’t openly weep when Merle sings, “Heaven knows I been workin’ hard/I wanted Christmas to be right for daddy’s girl./Now I don’t mean to hate December./It’s meant to be the happy time of year./But my little girl don’t understand/Why daddy can’t afford no Christmas here,” you might want to move to Whoville because you’re basically the Grinch.

 

Brothers/In Our World Mashup — Emmet Otter’s Jug-Band and Emmet Otter’s Ma

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Everyone has a special Christmas program that defines their childhood, and for me, that show is Emmet Otter’s Jug-Band Christmas. This 1977 Jim Henson production is basically a retelling of O. Henry’s famous short story, “The Gift of the Magi,” and it’s pretty much perfect in every way. This song appears near the end of the movie and serves as a reminder that, even with no money, it’s still possible to be the richest folks in the world.

 

Oh Come All Ye Faithful — Twisted Sister

Did you know Twisted Sister’s hit song “We’re Not Gonna Take It” is the EXACT SAME SONG as “Oh Come All Ye Faithful?” Well, now you do and you’ll never, ever be able to forget it when you hear either song from now on. Consider this my Christmas gift to you!

 

Cheers, y’all. And happy holidays to you and yours.

 

@TheSEShepherd

 

 


The Funkhouser Christmas Album: Part 4

The Funkhouser Christmas Album: Part 4

Merry Chrismahanukwanzakah Funkhouser, and welcome to Part 4 of our ultimate Christmas playlist, which goes up on the site tomorrow. This is more anticipated than the last episodes of Serial and The Colbert Report combined, I can tell you that much. Twitter is abuzz.

Don’t get too distracted by all of this holiday cheer though–Krampus is coming.

 

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River — Joni Mitchell

I don’t want to love this song, but I love this song. The  singer-songwriters of the 1970’s just have a way of getting to me. Don’t you just wanna wrap up like warm toasty cinnamon bun and listen to it for days? No? Harumph.

While not explicitly a Christmas song, its appearance in 2003’s Love Actually solidifies its status as a contemporary heartsick girls’ holiday favorite.

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Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays — NSYNC

Disclaimer: I cannot stand Christmas music, avoiding it like the plague seeing Christian Bale play Moses, but I received this album for Christmas way back in 1998. Don’t ask and you shall receive, that’s what I always say.

8-year old me was skeptical of said Christmas album, but look at those frosted tips–how could you say no?

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays was the penultimate original Christmas song of the album and it’s somewhat memorable for making you feel wonderful feelings from the floor to the ceiling.

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yamaclaus

The Christmas Song (from The OC Chrismukkah Mix) — The Raveonettes

If you’re in the 20’s and The OC didn’t change your life then we had different experiences. The mixes of The OC were the perfect transition from teeny boy band pop to the angst of California boy rock. Even around the holidays (especially around the holidays) the characters of The OC and the indie artists that soundtracked their lives were especially bummed, and The Christmas Song, by Danish duo, The Raveonettes–summed it all up perfectly. You will feel like an teen again with this slow burner.

This is a song that, despite the title, you can listen to anytime.

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Home Alone theme

White Christmas by The Drifters and the Home Alone theme–these two tunes truly sum up a modern Americana Christmas. Somehow, a movie about a family abandoning their child over the holidays seems more spirited than It’s a Wonderful Life and A Christmas Story.

PS parents–Harry Potter movies do not equal Christmas movies just because it snows sometimes. Fools.

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Deck the Club — Ying Yang Twins

The Ying Yang Twins decking the club with boughs of money? What else really needs to be said?

FINE, I’m sorry.

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Just Another Christmas Song — Stephen Colbert

“The voice of this generation of this decade,” Stephen Colbert, filmed a Christmas special way back in 2008 that featured luminaries in music and comedy like Toby Keith, Jon Stewart, Willie Nelson, and Elvis Costello. In honor of Colbert’s last episode this week, I’m giving a tip of my hat to him for his song, Just Another Christmas Song, which is my favorite of the album that overtook Kanye’s on the iTunes chart for a solid … while.

Let the lyrics move you:

Ho! It’s another Christmas song
Whoa! Get ready brother for another Christmas song
They play for a month, Ad infinitum
One day it struck me someone must write ‘em
So! It’s another Christmas song

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the Kinks in 1964, the year You Really Got Me was released

Father Christmas — The Kinks

Threatening to beat up Santa for money is truly rock n’ roll.

Those guys look tough.

 


The Funkhouser Christmas Album: Part 3

The Funkhouser Christmas Album: Part 3

Santa_Claus

Happy Christmas, Gang. As you are likely aware by now, this week at Funkhouser has been dedicated to building the Ultimate Funkhouser Christmas Music Playlist — culminating in your very own, very perfect and comprehensive Spotify playlist on Friday.

On Monday, Kalan Kucera decked the halls with his Top Ten Christmas Songs.

Then on Tuesday, Richmond Bramblet kissed you consensually under the mistletoe with his very own list of groovy yuletide tunes. 

Today I’m happy to provide Part 3 of the list to get a holiday party going. Here they are, in no particular order — click on the link to take you to the song in question.

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Let it Snow – Luscious Jackson
While it’s true that this four-girl nineties alt-group’s day in the sun effectively ended with the ringing in of a new millennium, you have to enjoy the poppy goodness of Luscious Jackson’s winter cover tune, especially the groovy breakdown in the final third.

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Mr. Heatmiser – Big Bad Voodoo Daddy
The swing revival may be long gone, but that doesn’t mean that this brassy, almost Dixieland-esque cover of a 1974 tune from Rankin & Bass’ A Year Without Santa Claus — in which the heat does battle with the cold — doesn’t kill it. It’s so much damn fun and definitely worth seeking out for something a little different.

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Frosty the Snowman – Man or Astroman?
You gotta love Alabama surf-rockers and perennial cult favorites Man or Astroman? covering the children’s fave, even if it strikes more than a passing musical resemblance to The Champs’ “Tequila.”

Ramones

Merry Christmas (I Don’t Want to Fight Tonight) – The Ramones
The closing track off Joey & Company’s 1989 Brain Drain pops up every now and again on Christmas channels, but not nearly enough. The Ramones couldn’t get any airplay even by writing a Christmas tune, which should have guaranteed that. Oh well. It still exists, and it’s still wonderful.

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Santa’s Beard – They Might Be Giants
It may or may not be an actual Christmas song, but for all intents and purposes it belongs in this compilation. A cautionary tale about a man whose wife may or may not be shacking secretly up with the man with the bag, and a pitch-perfect example of TMBG in the late eighties.

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You’re a Mean One, Mr. Grinch – Deanna Kirk
In what may well be the running for one of my all-time favorite Christmas tunes ever, Ms. Kirk’s almost free-form jazz cover of the Dr. Seuss classic swings wildly from the slide of a clarinet and the thump of an upright bass to the choral intonations of all the Who’s down in Whoville. Tons o’ fun.

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Merry Christmas – Wesley Willis
Yes, yes. I know. It sounds just like all Wesley Willis tunes. And yes, I know, it mostly consists of a 30 second repetitive musical break and Willis shouting “Merry Christmas” over and over. But as Willis himself says, “that is what it is all about in a mix,” and that’s why it’s here.

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I Wish it Was Christmas Today – Julian Casablancas
The Strokes frontman covered this tune, from many the finale of an SNL Christmas episode, on an episode of Late Night with Jimmy Fallon as a surprise to Fallon. If there’s any such thing as a new Christmas carol, this should be considered one.

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Fairytale of New York – The Pogues (with Kirsty MacColl)
An anti-carol about a bickering couple who alternately hates and loves one another, this Pogues masterpiece remains a holiday tribute to a punk-era Big Apple. Nothing says Christmas like the timeless lines “Merry Christmas your arse/I pray god it’s our last.” And yet, it’s a stunningly beautiful tune. Hands down my favorite modern Christmas song ever.

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Merry Christmas from the Family – Robert Earl Keene
A lovely, lazy tale of a trailer-park Christmas, the rowdy denizens of a family which may have problems but no lack of love, and a fitting closer to this list. Hallelujah, everybody say cheese.


The Funkhouser Christmas Album: Part 2

The Funkhouser Christmas Album: Part 2

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Happy Tuesday everyone.  We’re only nine days away from Christmas and if you’re like me, you’ve been listening to Mix 94.5 since November 1st.  That’s all well and good, but if you’re also like me, you are sure to have noticed that they play about the same 40 songs over and over again.  So, we at Funkhouser have decided to give you a week full of our favorite holiday songs to make your listening experience even better over the next week and a half.  On Friday, we will have a complete playlist for the Ultimate Funkhouser Christmas Music Playlist, with picks from many of the crew from KSR.

Yesterday, Kalan Kucera put together his top-10 Christmas songs.  Click here to check them out.

Today, I’ll be bringing you some of my favorite holiday songs, listed in no particular order.  Click the song title to go to the YouTube link:

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Christmas Baby (Please Come Home) – Darlene Love (Live on Letterman)

One of the biggest Christmas traditions in the Bramblet household is the annual watching of the Christmas episode of the Late Show with David Letterman.  Combined with Jay Thomas telling The Lone Ranger story, and throwing footballs to knock the meatball off the top of the tree, Christmas just isn’t right if we haven’t heard Love croon this outstanding Christmas song.

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Rudolph (You Don’t Have To Put On The Red Light) – Mojochronic

RUDOLPH THE RED-NOSED REINDEER

Try and tell me you don’t want to hear a mash-up of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer and Roxanne by The Police.  You can’t can you?  I didn’t think so.

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That Spirit of Christmas – Ray Charles

Spirit of Christmas

Name a Ray Charles song that he doesn’t knock out of the park.  If you think of all the times they’ve put a slow song by Ray Charles in a movie, it highlights all the feelings and memories that go along with it (looking at you The Sandlot).  “That Spirit of Christmas” is most recognized for the scene from National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation (you’re welcome Doug Benson), and it really captures the sentiment of the scene, right before Chase falls out of the attic.

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Chiron Beta Prime – Jonathan Coulton

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I could try to explain the song Chiron Beta Prime, but it’s best if I let the Jonathan Coulton wiki do it for me:

Chiron Beta Prime” is a song on Jonathan Coulton’s fifth album, Thing a Week Two. It tells the story of Christmastime on a planet where all humans have been enslaved by uncaring and violent robots.

This has been on my Christmas playlist ever since I first heard the song.  It’s best if I don’t explain more, otherwise [message redacted]

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12 Days – Straight No Chaser

I think in the last year, if we hadn’t experienced them already, BBN and the rest of the world fell in love with the Acoustikats.  A Capella music stormed the nation, maybe.  However, this version of The 12 Days of Christmas is one of the few songs on Christmas radio that I don’t get tired of, mainly because they play it about once every 4-5 days.  Too many good parts in this song to spoil if you haven’t heard it before…

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“Christmas in Hollis” – Run DMC

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I know what you’re thinking.  You’re going to say, “Don’t you have any Christmas music?”  To which I reply, “This is Christmas music, man!”

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Christmas Eve Eve – Paul and Storm

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In a continuation of most of the nerdy songs on the list, musical duo Paul and Storm come together for, what I’m sure is the only song about December 23rd, which is “proverbially speaking, the next to last minute”.

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The Cowboy’s Christmas Ball – The Killers

Every year, The Killers release a new Christmas song in their odd and strange ways.  This year, they teamed up with Jimmy Kimmel for the song Joel, the Lump of Coal.  While that song is good, there are many others from the Killers that prefer for my Christmas playlist.  “Don’t Shoot Me Santa Claus” was one of the first that I heard, and “Happy Birthday, Guadalupe” might be the most played on my list, but The Cowboy’s Christmas Ball might be my absolute favorite.  It has a bonus in that it is paired with an awesome music video.

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Hooray for Santa Claus

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians

In another part of a Christmas tradition, Hooray for Santa Claus is the theme song to the movie, “Santa Claus Conquers the Martians.”  It is so stupidly catchy, that throughout the day you’ll find yourself going, “S-A-N-T-A C-L-A-U-S… Hooray for Santy Claus.”  Also, if you get the chance, watch Santa Claus Conquers the Martians, it should be on Netflix.  Oh, Droppo…

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All I Want for Christmas Is You – Mariah Carey

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C’mon… you’re not a human being if you don’t at least belt this out once a year…


The Only X-Mas Card I've Ever Made... You're Welcome Internet!

The Funkhouser Christmas Album: Part 1

The Only X-Mas Card I've Ever Made... You're Welcome Internet!

The Only X-Mas Card I’ve Ever Made… You’re Welcome Internet!

Good Morning readers!  Hope you’re enjoying the Holiday Season!  The Egg Nog, the reindeer costumes for your pets, your a**hole co-workers bringing in cake after cake, treat after treat after you’ve told them again and again that you’re “ON A DAMN DIET AND CAN’T BE EATING ALL THESE CARBS!  But thank you for the thought.”

What really ties the days together, the long slog ’til that day you get presents, is the ubiquitous holiday music.  It’s everywhere!  It’s been everywhere since October, but it’s really shouldn’t be legal to listen to it before this week.

In that vein, your good friends here at Funkhouser have decided to put together a little holiday music list for you and by the end of the week you should have all the X-mas songs you’ll ever need!  Without further ado, here are my top 10 Christmas songs!


10.  “God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen” by Dio

Dio_Christmas

Click the photo to listen to the song!

Even in his later years, Ronnie James Dio had the pipes and badassery to make one of the most metal Christmas song ever.  If only Dio had made an entire holiday album, this list would’ve been really easy to fill.

9.  “Jack’s Obsession” by Jack Skellington (The Nightmare Before Christmas)

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Click the photo to listen to the song!

There are a couple Christmas centric songs in The Nightmare Before Christmas.  This one is my favorite because of all of the visuals with Jack using Math and Science books to try and “solve” Christmas, which is awesome.  This is the method I use to solve everything.

8.  “Christmas Country Style” by The Statler Brothers

Click the photo to listen to the song!

Click the photo to listen to the song!

I don’t have a great reason for this song.  Maybe it’s that after being forced to listen to Statler Brothers Christmas Albums every year of my childhood, I grew to like this song.  It’s got great banjo.  But I’m not ruling out Musical Stockholm Syndrome.

7.  “The Night Santa Went Crazy” by Weird Al Yankovic

There are so many good Weird Al Christmas songs, so this was really difficult.  Honestly, though, what’s better than the mental image of a “big, fat, drunk, disgruntled, Yuletide Rambo?”

6.  “Santa Looked a Lot Like Daddy” by Buck Owens

Click the photo to listen to the song!

Click the photo to listen to the song!

This is a far, far superior version of the theme touched on by “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus.”  Plus it’s Buck Owens, Don Rich, and the rest of the Buckaroos.  If only they had sequin Christmas suits, this might be the best thing ever.

5.  “Christmastime in Hell” by Satan (South Park)

Click the photo to listen to the song!

Click the photo to listen to the song! (NSFW)

(The link above, just to make sure you saw, is super NSFW)  This, like most things by Trey Parker and Matt Stone, is absolutely irreverent, absolutely inappropriate, absolutely offensive, and absolutely hilarious.

4.  “Old Toy Trains” by Roger Miller

Click the photo to listen to the song!

Click the photo to listen to the song!

Have you noticed that I have a thing for country singer’s Christmas songs?  This song is great, sweet, nostalgic and by one of my favorite artists of all time.  With all of the great country songs on my list, the only thing that would be better would be a song called “Drunk on Christmas” by George Jones.  That doesn’t exist does it?

3.  “Blue Christmas” by Elvis Presley

In addition to this being one of the great Christmas songs ever, this particular performance is made great by all of the ladies around the stage continually screaming and going ga-ga over Elvis singing Christmas songs in leather.  Still one of the greatest voices of all time, just an all-time classic song.  (There’s also a great version sung by Johnny Cash and the Statler Brothers.)

2.  “Ding-A-Ling: The Christmas Bell” by Conway Twitty & the Twitty Bird

Click the photo to listen to the song!

Click the photo to listen to the song!

This, like most Conway Twitty songs, might be the most ridiculous song on the list.  Also, it’s #2 of all time.  I don’t know what it is about Conway Twitty but no matter how much I know that the songs are bad/creepy/annoying (SHUT UP TWITTY BIRD!)/etc., I can’t stop listening.  Cookies are always better at Christmastime, tho.

1.  “Little Drummer Boy/Peace on Earth” by Bing Crosby & David Bowie

Because even a grinch like me can get sentimental from time to time.  Merry Christmas everybody!


Excerpts from A Christmas Carol, Featuring Roy Williams

Excerpts from A Christmas Carol, Featuring Roy Williams

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“…He was Roy Williams. No warmth could warm, no wintry weather chill him. No wind blew that was bitterer than he. No one stopped him in the street with gladsome looks to say “Ho, there, Coach Williams! Are you full of vigor for William & Mary? No administrators asked him of his student’s classloads. No professors, nor their lofty and scholarly courses, dared to exist around him.”

“…As Roy lay there, his covers pulled to his chin, the din of clanging chains grew nearer and nearer until he saw his guest’s visage. ‘That powder-blue sportcoat! That gigantic nose! Those patented four-corners stalling maneuvers! I know you!’ He cowered in fear. ‘Why, pickle my eggs! Dean Smith!’”

“’Before the night is through,” Dean Smith said, his finger pointing at the clock, ‘ you will be visited by three spectres; these visitors will teach you to shun the path of academic scandal you tread. Remember what has passed between us, Roy! And change your ways before it is too late!’ With that Smith was gone, like a fart in a cyclone.
‘I’ll be ding-danged!’ trembled Roy Williams. ‘Three ghosts!’”

“At the stroke of one, just as Dean Smith had predicted, a spirit drew back Roy Williams’ bed-curtains. ‘I am the Ghost of Christmas Past, the wispy and pale figure spoke. ‘Your past, Roy Williams.’
‘Great! I haven’t seen Greg Ostertag in a few years,’ said Roy. ‘It will be great to see that guy.’
‘Your moral past,’ interrupted the Ghost of Christmas Past.
‘Yeah, okay,’ responded Roy. ‘Maybe we could go to that Rodney Crowell concert I seen in 1989. That was a good one. Shew!’
‘No…it’s..never mind,’ said the ghost.’”

“…The Ghost of Christmas Present’s eyes were crisp and clear and kind.
‘Take hold of my robe!’ he commanded. Roy Williams did as he was told.
Soon the two were soaring over the snow-covered, silent city, clad in mistletoe and holly, children snuggled safely asleep and families awakening the coming Christmas morn. Soon the town would awaken to the revelry of the holiday’s dawning.
‘Are you eating beef jerky?’ asked the Ghost of Christmas Past.
‘Yeah,’ said Roy Williams, licking a finger.
‘Give me that. Where did you even get beef jerky? Are you even paying attention to any of this? What is wrong with you?’”

“The Ghost of Christmas Past transported Roy Williams into a modest but by no means extravagant four bedroom home in a newer subdivision outside Chapel Hill.
‘Do you know this house?’ asked the Ghost. ‘It’s the house of one of your assistants. An underpaid, put-upon employee whose fingers you work to the bone. You treat him poorly, yet he protects damning evidence of corruption in the program for you at all costs! What will you do when you…hey, what are you doing? Get out of there, that’s not yours.’
‘Dang this guy gets a lot of magazines,’ said Roy, going through a stack of mail on the kitchen counter. ‘I’m gonna take this Sport Fishing. I ain’t read it yet.’”

“As the Spirit of Things to Come stood towering over Roy Williams, the ghost neither spoke nor moved, save an outstretched hand and spindly finger pointing at the Wikipedia entry on the laptop sitting on the table before him. The entry on the screen bore the following damning words:

 …in 2019 one of the greatest academic scandal of basketball history would be Williams’
ultimate downfall, leading him to an NCAA-wide coaching ban for the remainder of his years.

Roy Williams looked back at the terrifying, shrouded spirit.
“This thing got YouTube?’ asked Roy. ‘Lemme show you this thing where a monkey pees in his own mouth. It’s hi-larious. You gotta see it. You like YouTube? Hold on lemme get back to my email, there’s a link there.’”

“…The sun rose the next morning, Roy Williams sat up in his bed and saw the rays of sunshine peeking through his blinds. The spirits had come, and gone, each, and now it was a new day. As Roy Williams climbed out of bed and got ready to go into work, he smiled to himself in the mirror. He couldn’t remember much of what the ghosts said and he didn’t care. After all, if he’d learned anything from the past seven years at UNC it was that simply not knowing anything was the key to never having to worry about it. ‘God bless us,’ he said to the winner in the mirror. “Everyone.’”


Which Trailer for a Movie Set in a Dystopian Future Are You?

Which Trailer for a Movie Set in a Dystopian Future Are You?

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It’s been a pretty great couple of weeks for movie trailers, right? I mean, judging from all of the great trailers that have hit the internet since the beginning of December, it looks like 2015 is shaping up to be a pretty stellar year for movie-lovers. If you’re reading Funkhouser, odds are you are a fan of two things: movies and the internet. And if there’s one thing I’ve learned from years of scrolling past Buzzfeed posts on Facebook, it’s that people who love the internet love stupid quizzes! So, here’s a “quiz” that will tell you which of these trailers for a movie set in not-too-distant dystopian futures you are. Enjoy…and when you’re done, share this on Facebook so all your friends have something to scroll past while they’re reading their phones at stoplights!

 

White God

What It Is: A film from Hungarian filmmaker Kornel Mundruczo about dogs who have been cast aside by society exacting their revenge on the human race. It was one of the breakout films at the Cannes Film Festival and is an official selection of the Sundance Film Festival. Judging from the trailer, it sort of looks like Rise of the Planet of the Apes, but with 100% more dogs and 100% less creepy CGI.

You’re This Trailer If: You home-brew your own craft beer. You own at least two leather-bound books. Your favorite jacket is made out of tweed. You’re kind of boring to talk to at parties. This is the thinking-man’s dystopian movie, complete with everything that semi-pretentious cinephiles like in their films: a kid who looks like she out-acts her adult counterparts in the lead role, subtitles, plenty of symbolism, and a weird title that doesn’t seem to have anything to do with the content of the film. (That said, this looks pretty cool and, even though I’m going to hate hearing snobby art-house movie geeks tell me why I should love this movie, I’ll probably end up loving this movie.)

 

The Divergent Series: Insurgent

 

What It Is: The second film based on the “Divergent” series of kids’ books about a post-apocalyptic future in which “people are divided into distinct factions based on human virtues” (thanks, Wikipedia!). The film stars Shailene Woodley (who was great in The Descendants but who is quickly turning into the poor man’s Jennifer Lawrence, and I don’t mean that in a good way), Kate Winslet, Miles Teller, and everyone’s favorite BBN’er, Ashley Judd.

You’re This Trailer If: You’re a teenager or a grown-up who still wishes you were a teenager. You claim to love reading but you only read Young Adult books. You love stories that are about teens and tweens refusing to be defined by anyone over the age of 30. You still use LipSmackers instead of regular Chap Stick because you “like the fun flavors.” You own three or more cats. I mean, could this movie BE any more of a wannabe Hunger Games (this sentence is intended to be read in Chandler Bing’s voice.)? I’m sure this is fine and teenagers will flock to theaters to pretend to watch it while they SnapChat their friends for two hours, but if this entire genre of sci-fi-lite accidentally disintegrated in a vat of acid, I wouldn’t lose a minute of sleep over it, you know what I mean?

 

Mad Max: Fury Road

What It Is: The reboot/maybe sequel/next chapter of the Mad Max series starring Tom Hardy, Charlize Theron and the little kid from About a Boy who’s come a long way since rocking a bowl cut while singing “Killing Me Softly” on stage with Hugh Grant.

You’re This Trailer If: You’re not a dumb idiot who hates awesome things. Seriously, this might be the greatest movie trailer ever made. It’s filled with some of the craziest chase scenes and explosions ever captured on film. It’s filled with badass heroes, terrifying bad guys and a bunch of freaky weirdos. The music is appropriately heart-pumping and epic. And everything looks gorgeous — from the blood-red sand of the desert to the jet-black puffs of exhaust belched from the engines of tricked-out monster trucks. Growing up, the Mad Max movies were some of my favorites, and when I heard they were rebooting the franchise, I was worried they were going to soften the grimy harshness of the originals. But if the movie is half as good as this trailer, Mad Max might end up being the movie of the summer in 2015.

 

 

@TheSEShepherd

 

 


The Golden Globe Nominations Are In

The Golden Globe Nominations Are In

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Good morning ladies and germs! Ahahahahaha, I’m just over here laughin’ with Tina and Amy, havin’ a grand ole time.

Awards season is finally here, and I know you’ve all been waiting with bated breath. There have been several “awards” shows already in 2014–The Gotham Awards, Governors Awards, The British Independent Film Awards, and the AFI Awards, as well as the nominations for the slightly more relevant Independent Spirit Awards, but we’re finally to a somewhat bigger show!!! The Globes! The SAGs announced yesterday as well, but there are a few more surprises here. A few.

Birdman led the list of film nominations with 7, followed by Boyhood and The Imitation Game who each had 5 respectively. And on the smaller screen, Fargo got 5 nominations while True Detective scored 4. The big TV shocker of the day–no Modern Family :-O.

Here are my thoughts on each of the (abundant) categories:

 

FILM

Best Motion Picture – Drama
“Boyhood”
“Foxcatcher”
“The Imitation Game”
“Selma”
“The Theory of Everything”

No real surprises here in the category of Boyhood and everyone else. Oh wait, I haven’t gotten to see anyone else. And they’re all historical dramas… So go Boyhood. The only real disappointment here is that another period piece set in 1960s Poland, Ida, was not included here. If you haven’t seen it–see it.

Some flicks that could be considered drama snub–Angelina Jolie’s Unbroken and American Sniper; both are due out on Christmas day.

 

Best Motion Picture – Comedy Or Musical
“Birdman”
“The Grand Budapest Hotel”
“Into the Woods”
“Pride”
“St. Vincent”

Is this category just Birdman and everyone else too? Yes. St. Vincent was very “meh” and who really wants a literal high school musical winning best comedy or musical, even one with Meryl Streep singing. So that just leaves Pride and The Grand Budapest Hotel. I was very pleasantly surprised to see Pride nominated, a film which hasn’t seen much buzz here in the US, along with Wes Anderson’s latest, but let’s face it, Birdman just may be a historically great film. This is its time to fly. No suspense.

 

Best Performance by an Actor in a Motion Picture – Drama
Steve Carell, “Foxcatcher”
Benedict Cumberbatch, “Imitation Game”
Jake Gyllenhaal, “Nightcrawler”
David Oyelowo, “Selma”
Eddie Redmayne, “The Theory of Everything”

Jake Gyllenhaal was quite creepy in Nightcrawler but have you seen Steve Carell in that prosthetic nose? That’s dayum creepy.

 

Best Performance by an Actress in a Motion Picture – Drama
Jennifer Aniston, “Cake”
Felicity Jones, “The Theory of Everything”
Julianne Moore, “Still Alice”
Rosamund Pike, “Gone Girl”
Reese Witherspoon, “Wild”

JULIANNE MOORE BROKE MY HEART. You may have heard that Sony got hacked by some North Korean empathizers, releasing Angelina Jolie drama and a lot of Fury upon the Internet. But it also released Still Alice, a film about a professor with early-onset Alzheimer’s. I may have seen it (I did) and it is absolutely devastating. Julianne Moore has to deal with Alzheimer’s AND having Kristen Stewart as a daughter in the film so let’s just give her an Oscar already.

While the crowded theater erupted in clamoring of “that crazy b***** during my viewing of Gone Girl, I was singing more of a “that brilliant Rosamund Pike!!” During Gone Girl. Obviously. If you haven’t seen it yet, where have you been? Adult movies for adults are kind of back in style.

The two surprising shut outs–Hilary Swank for The Homesman and Marion Cotillard for The Immigrant or Two Days, One Night. But look who got their spot, it’s Jennifer Aniston!

 

Best Performance by an Actress in a Motion Picture – Comedy Or Musical
Amy Adams, “Big Eyes”
Emily Blunt, “Into the Woods”
Hellen Mirren, “The Hundred-Foot Journey”
Julianne Moore, “Map to the Stars”
Quvenzhane Wallis – “Annie”

Julianne Moore with the double nomination! Sidenote: It’s Paul Thomas Anderson week over at Grantland, and you should check out their pieces on Boogie Nights. That movie just keeps on rockin’ and rollin’.

No one has probably seen any of these films yet as basically none of them are in theaters and who saw Cronenberg’s Maps to the Stars? Oh wait, I have. It was a typically disturbing look at the human psyche, set in Hollywood. Moore is good. She’s always good. Is it a comedy? Sure…… no, Jenny Slate and Obvious Child (an actual comedy) has alas, been ignored.

Amy Adams continues her hot streak in life with yet another Golden Globe nomination for a Tim Burton movie no less and we welcome back Quvenzhane Wallis to the awards slate, despite the fact that Annie doesn’t look so great. Blame Daddy Warbucks.

 

Best Performance by an Actor in a Motion Picture – Comedy Or Musical
Michael Keaton, “Birdman”
Bill Murray, “St. Vincent”
James Corden, “Into the Woods”
Joaquin Phoenix, “Inherent Vice”
Christoph Waltz, “Big Eyes”

Michael Keaton Michael Keaton Michael Keaton

I would have liked to see Bill Hader score a nomination for one of my favorite films of the year, The Skeleton Twins here, but I’m sure James Corden was great at singing and being a baker and whatnot.

 

Best Performance by an Actress In A Supporting Role in a Motion Picture
Patricia Arquette, “Boyhood”
Meryl Streep, “Into The Woods”
Keira Knightley, “The Imitation Game”
Emma Stone, “Birdman”
Jessica Chastain, “A Most Violent Year”

Patricia Arquette is going to take down Meryl Streep. That has to feel good. While Emma Stone is tremendous in Birdman, my dark horse pick is….. Jessica Chastain! 80’s crime drama, A Most Violent Year, has been seen by a lot of no one but it’s been getting some great buzz because we love the 80’s.

 

Best Performance by an Actor In A Supporting Role in a Motion Picture
J.K. Simmons, “Whiplash”
Edward Norton, “Birdman”
Mark Ruffalo, “Foxcatcher”
Ethan Hawke, “Boyhood”
Robert Duvall, “The Judge”

I want to see Whiplash. Badly. Why hasn’t it been released here??

 

Best Director – Motion Picture
Richard Linklater, “Boyhood”
Alejandro González Iñárritu, “Birdman”
Ava DuVernay, “Selma”
Wes Anderson, “The Grand Budapest Hotel”
David Fincher, “Gone Girl”

This is quite a slate for best director, but it has to be Richard Linklater, does it not?

 

Best Screenplay – Motion Picture
The Grand Budapest Hotel
Gone Girl
Birdman
Boyhood
The Imitation Game

Another strong category and I’m leaning towards GBH because that’s what the cool hipsters told me to say.

 

Best Animated Feature Film
The Boxtrolls
Big Hero 6
The Book Of Live
How To Train Your Dragon 2
The Lego Movie

Everything is awesome.

 

Best Foreign Language Film
Force Majure – Sweden
Gett, the Trial of Viviane Amsalem – Israel
Ida – Poland
Leviathan – Russian
Tangerines – Estonia Georgia

Ida!! I’m so happy to see you here, but Leviathan may be the winner. Everyone seems to love that flick I haven’t bothered to see.

 

Best Original Song – Motion Picture
Big Eyes – Big Eyes
Glory – Selma
Mercy Is – Noah
Opportunity – Annie
Yellow Flicker Beat – Mockingjay

Randy Marsh Lorde vs. Lana del Rey? I’ll take Lorde.

 

Best Original Score – Motion Picture
The Imitation Game
The Theory of Everything
Gone Girl
Birdman
Interstellar

Birdman drums for the win.

 

TELEVISION

Best Television Series – Drama

“The Affair”
“Downton Abbey”
“Game of Thrones”
“The Good Wife”
“House of Cards”

I didn’t even know what The Affair was until approximately 3 seconds ago. It’s on Showtime. Alright.

WHERE IS MAD MEN!?

 

Best Television Series – Musical or Comedy
“Girls”
“Jane the Virgin”
“Orange Is The New Black”
“Silicon Valley”
“Transparent”

This category is far less dull, with a Louie shutout and a lot of young programs on the scene, including Hulu’s Transparent (starring Jeffery Tambor). This could be Hulu’s big year! Can’t believe I’m saying that.

Let’s all raise a glass to Modern Family getting shut out this year, and let’s smash a glass over The Mindy Project getting shut out yet again! No Veep, no Brooklyn Nine-Nine, and no Parks & Rec as well. But yayyyyy Girls, I guess.

 

Best Performance by an Actor in a Mini-Series or a Motion Picture Made for Television

Martin Freeman, “Fargo”
Mark Ruffalo, “The Normal Heart”
Billy Bob Thornton, “Fargo”
Matthew McConaughey, “True Detective”
Woody Harrelson, “True Detective”

Fargo>True Detective but is anyone > than Woody Harrelson or Matthew McConaughey? We’ll see…

 

Best Performance by an Actress In A Television Series – Drama
Claire Danes, “Homeland”
Viola Davis, “How To Get Away With Murder”
Julianna Margulies, “The Good Wife”
Ruth Wilson, “The Affair”
Robin Wright, “House of Cards”

Viola Davis, while your Shonda Rhimes show is not my thing, I am happy to see you here.

I am not happy that once again, there is no Tatiana Maslanay for Orphan Black. But I just gotta shake it off.

 

Best Performance by an Actor In A Television Series – Comedy Or Musical

Louis C.K., “Louie”
Don Cheadle, “House of Lies”
Rickey Gervais, “Derek”
William H. Macy, “Shameless”
Jeffrey Tambor, “Transparent”

House of Lies continues to get nominated for stuff which is just beyond me.

This one’s Jeffery Tambor’s to lose. #HuluPlus

 

Best Performance by an Actress In A Television Series – Comedy Or Musical

Lena Dunham, “Girls”
Edie Falco, “Nurse Jackie”
Julia Louis-Dreyfus, “Veep”
Gina Rodriguez, “Jane the Virgin”
Taylor Schilling, “Orange Is The New Black”

No Amy Poehler AND no Mindy Kaling. *overturns desk

Congrats to Gina Rodriguez though. Who would have though a telenovela remade for the CW would be getting award noms? Not this girl.

 

Best Mini-Series Or Motion Picture Made for Television

“Fargo”
“The Missing”
“The Normal Heart”
“True Detective”
“Olivia Kitteridge”

This is quite a category, but Fargo v The Normal Heart looks to be the race. True Detective has lost its buzz. Though McConaughey hasn’t! ZING.

 

Best Performance by an Actress in a Mini-Series or a Motion Picture Made for Television

Maggie Gyllenhaal, “The Honorable Woman”
Jessica Lange, “American Horror Story: Freak Show”
Frances McDormand, “Olive Kitteridge”

Frances O’Connor, “The Missing”
Allison Tolman, “Fargo”

Not picking Frances McDormand (a hero of mine) or Jessica Lange (another hero of mine) is painful, but the favorite has to be Allison Tolman. But perhaps a Gyllenhaal will pull an upset January 11…

 

Best Performance by an Actor in a TV Series, Drama

Clive Owen, “The Knick”
Liev Schreiber, “Ray Donovan”
Kevin Spacey, “House of Cards”
James Spader, “The Blacklist”
Dominic West, “The Affair”

There are too many TV categories. And I’ve seen basically none of these shows. I may have more of a life than previously imagined…

 

Best Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role in a Series, Mini-Series or Motion Picture Made for Television

Uzo Aduba, “Orange Is The New Black”
Kathy Bates, “American Horror Story: Freak Show”
Joanne Froggatt, “Downton Abbey”
Allison Janney, “Mom”
Michelle Monaghan, “True Detective”

This is all Uzo. Also, since when is the show, Mom, a mini-series?

 

Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role in a Series, Mini-Series or Motion Picture Made for Television
Matt Bomer, “The Normal Heart”
Alan Cumming, “The Good Wife”
Colin Hanks, “Fargo”
Bill Murray, “Olive Kitteridge”
Jon Voight, “Ray Donovan”

Bill Murray with the double noms! I have no thoughts here. I’m finished!

 

The Golden Globes air January 11 on television, probably.


Star Wars: Episode VII and Terminator: Genisys Will Make Or Break 2015 For Sci-Fi Fans

Things have been pretty quiet for sci-fi fans lately, with few marquee movies being put out in the last few years. Star Trek Into Darkness generated some interest, but Enders Game barely covered its production budget, Edge of Tomorrow didn’t gain the traction it deserved, and Interstellar kind of took us by surprise. (And would we call The Hunger Games science fiction? You tell me.) That ends next year. 2015 is going to be BIG for sci-fi fans. Delving more deeply into Kalan’s Monday piece, we’ll look more closely at two films in two of the biggest franchises that will define the genre this coming year.

Star Wars: Episode VII—The Force Awakens

Due out December 18, 2015, there may be no more highly anticipated film in the last 10 years than the new Star Wars. Its status as possibly the most recognizable film series in the world would be enough to generate huge interest in the newest installment, but fanboys and casual moviegoers alike are doubly excited because of the colossal disappointments that were Episodes I-III. Ever since Lucas pooped out Revenge of the Sith and everyone acted like it was OK because it sucked less than The Phantom Menace and Attack of the Clones, fans have felt like they deserved another quality three Star Wars pics. They may get them, starting with The Force Awakens. With sci-fi golden child J.J. Abrams (Lost, Super 8, the new Star Trek movies) both writing and directing, I firmly believe we can bury our worry and learn to love again. Remember how we felt after the Billy Clyde years, when all we wanted was to feel OK about ourselves again? After such an awful couple years, we were afraid to hope for too much. And then Coach Cal came along. Remember when Wall and Cousins and Bledsoe committed, and PPat decided to stay? Remember the feeling that maybe we wouldn’t just return to respectability, but to glory? That feeling of possibility? That’s Episode VII: someone got inside our heads, saw what we were afraid of, and decided not to yank away the football again, Charlie Brown. In Abrams, this flick has an A-list director AND writer who knows the fanbase; Lawrence Kasdan, the writer of Star Wars: Episode V—The Empire Strikes Back (the best of the bunch); and to top it off…Harrison Ford, Carrie Fisher, Mark Hamill, and even Peter Mayhew (Chewbacca) and Kenny Baker (R2-D2)! When I found that out, I honestly didn’t care who was cast in whatever other roles there may be. Star Wars is my filmic comfort food, and Han, Leia, Luke, Chewie and R2 are my favorite dishes.

Now, this is a self-described teaser trailer: just enough to get your neck hairs a-tinglin’ without saying much. Oh, the bigots and killjoys have already been out in force complaining about a black stormtrooper and a lightsaber with blade and hilt. Maybe they should sit back and enjoy 90 seconds of the most iconic visuals of the Star Wars series, and the most recognizable theme music in all of cinema:

I’ve been burnt so many times—thanks, Matrix sequels and Terminator Salvation—but I can’t contain my excitement for this one.

Terminator: Genisys

Speaking of Terminator, which is in my top 5 favorite movies ever (T2 is close, but not quite), Terminator: Genisys will debut on July 1, 2015. Man, do I have mixed feelings. On the one hand, I have been obsessed with the Terminator series since I first saw it as a youngster. The first and second movies were fantastic. Then Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines came along, which is a perfectly OK sci-fi action flick if you take the Terminator name off of it. Then came Terminator Salvation…five years later, the wound is still too raw for me to write about it. At first I blamed director McG, but the more I read about the cuts and edits forced to get it to PG-13, the more I got pissed off at everything about the movie. I really do have a problem, y’all.

Anyway, Terminator: Genisys is directed by Alan Taylor, who has written and directed a bunch of films, but they all seem kind of meh. The writers have churned out a lot of material, but it’s stuff like Drive Angry and the Scream movies. I don’t know, this just feels like Terminator Salvation redux.

This trailer just doesn’t blow my skirt up. At first I didn’t think Emilia Clarke as Sarah Connor was a good choice, but it looks like she may fit well. The effects look top notch (don’t they always in the trailer?), especially the highway chase scene. But haven’t we been here before? The story doesn’t seem to be terribly new, except that maybe altered and alterable intersecting timelines will be explored. T2 said No Fate but what we make for ourselves, T3 said Judgment Day is inevitable, T4 said some stuff, T5 says that Judgment Day may not be inevitable. Yet in all cases except Terminator Salvation, Skynet sends back a terminator to kill someone, and someone else gets sent back to stop it. I really, really hope that T5 adds something new to the storyline. At this point, I’d settle for watchable movie. So far, though, it looks big and kinda dumb.  (Come on, an epic, inspirational speech before heading to war, too?)

All that 2015 lacks is another Star Trek sequel and a tolerable new Alien flick. Sure, there’s a whole slate of other movies coming out, but with Star Wars and Terminator headlining—and let’s throw in Mad Max: Fury Road—does anyone care who opens?


Last Minute Shopping Ideas: Buy Burt Reynolds’ Stuff…

Last Minute Shopping Ideas: Buy Burt Reynolds’ Stuff…

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There is a lot of speculation going around that Burt Reynolds is hurting for cash.  So much so that he is selling 600 items with Julien’s Auction House.  While this looks bad for ole’ Bandit, this is a perfect opportunity for everyone else to cross off some of those Christmas list items that are left for the loved ones in your life.  Here are some of the items that you could pick up over the next couple of days.

Check out all 673 Items at Juliens

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“SMOKEY AND THE BANDIT” 1977 PONTIAC TRANS AM COUPE

Car

Current Bid: $130,000

This is Mr. Reynolds’ 1977 Trans Am Coupe (T-Top) which was used as a promotional vehicle for the movie and gifted to Burt for his collection.  She features a 400 cid Pontiac V-8 engine, a 4-barrel carburetor and an automatic transmission.  With a gold plaque on the driver door stating “1977 Pontiac Trans Am Owned By Burt Reynolds” and a customized “Bandit” logo, this is “no ordinary automobile”; it’s a piece of “Hollywood History”.  This is an amazing opportunity to own what just might be the coolest car EVER!

I was hoping they through a few more quotations around things like “piece” and “own” just to add a little more to this entry.

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MUHAMMAD ALI SIGNED BOXING GLOVE TO BURT REYNOLDS

Gloves

Current Bid: $1,500

A pair of red Everlast brand boxing gloves. The left glove has been signed “To Burt,/ Muhammad Ali” in black marker.

The right glove has been signed “To Burt’s Mustache/Muhammad Ali” in red marker

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JACK NICKLAUS SIGNED AND INSCRIBED PHOTOGRAPH TO BURT REYNOLDS

Nicklaus

Current Bid: $600

A print of a color photograph featuring golfing legend Jack Nicklaus. Nicklaus has inscribed the photograph “Burt/ I enjoy your work/ ‘almost’ as much as/ a 65/ All the best/ Jack Nicklaus” in black marker. Framed

I appreciate The Golden Bear throwing some shade at Burt… “I enjoy your work, ‘almost’ as much as getting stuck in a sand trap and getting up and down in seven.”

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BURT REYNOLDS PINK COWBOY BOOTS

Pink Boots

Current Bid: $900

A pair of pink ostrich leather cowboy boots monogrammed “BR” on the instep of each boot. Labeled “Custom hand made by Gadarion-Exotique.” These boots are custom made for a size 10 foot. From the personal wardrobe of Burt Reynolds.

Pulling. Them. Off.

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BURT REYNOLDS NAMEPLATE

nameplate

Current Bid: $500

From Burt Reynolds’ office desk.

Just in case you want to pretend like you’re auctioning off every single thing that you own.  Also if you don’t have $5 to make your own.

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BURT REYNOLDS ROLODEX

Rolodex

Current Bid: $2,000

Burt Reynolds’ Rolodex from his home office. Entries are typed or handwritten onto note cards and include the contact information for many of Reynolds’ celebrity friends, restaurants, and business contacts. The Rolodex is constructed of beige metal and black plastic with a roll top, model number 2254.

There looks like there are a ton of names in that Rolodex.  So, give this gift to the person who would love to have the 1980s telephone number of Loni Anderson, Farrah Fawcett and Dom DeLuise

 


ICYMI: Sweet New Trailers

ICYMI: Sweet New Trailers

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There really wasn’t too much going on this weekend, pop culture wise.  This weekend saw the release of Into the Wild 2 Wild and a bunch of other movies that didn’t look too promising.  The most interesting musical happening was that body suit Nicki Minaj wore during that second song on SNL.  TV was an uninspiring mishmash of holiday episodes and re-runs. There are things called books.

This must be the entertainment dead week of the year, but with The Hobbit, The Interview, and other movies coming out in the next couple of weeks, it ought to get a little better.  Until then, there were some bad ass trailers released recently, here are the coolest of them:

Star Wars… duh.


Chris Pratt looking a little more serious than he normally is, but this looks pretty cool!  #PrattPrattPratt


This is the only one of the trailers that I’m not 100% in on.  I feel like there’s probably a little too much Arnold and, let’s be honest, how many times are they going to have to go back and save Sarah Connor.  Couldn’t one of the movies actually be set in the future?


A very teasery trailer introducing the new James Bond Movie!


Here’s All You Need to Know About Peter Pan Live

Here’s All You Need to Know About Peter Pan Live

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So tonight, NBC aired a live musical version of Peter Pan starring Allison Williams (daughter of NBC Nightly’s News‘ Brian Williams; co-star of the HBO drama Girls) as the titular Peter Pan, and Christopher Walken (acclaimed actor; everyone’s favorite crazy uncle) as Captain Hook. As you can probably guess, it was three hours of weirdness, bad acting, and pure camp.

Every pop culture site on the internet will have a run down of the spectacle tomorrow, so rather than pile on with an overly long deconstruction of a shoddy stage production broadcast on a major network (aka, shooting fish in a barrel), here are two images that provide a nice summary of the proceedings.

First, this happened:

And then Allison Williams tried to sneak in a subtle promo for Girls, but I totally busted her on it:

Nice try, Williams.

If you watched all three hours of this travesty, you’re a better man than I. I signed off at the two and a half hour mark, just after Walken performed his fifth dance number with his pirate pals and Williams soared toward the heavens with the help of two completely obvious cables.

You crazy for this one, NBC.


SPECTRE: The New James Bond Film is “Here”

SPECTRE: The New James Bond Film is “Here”

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Guess we’ll have to forgive these Brits for their poor spelling.

The big news of the morning is about a film being released in November of 2015, but it’s breaking and we must share it here s;ldkja;lsdjhlktwoieh!

We got a title and a few more tidbits about James Bond 24 from ye olde Englande and ye olde Daniel Craig in a (photoshopped) reindeer sweater.

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Synopsis:

“A cryptic message from Bond’s past sends him on a trail to uncover a sinister organization. While M battles political forces to keep the secret service alive, Bond peels back the layers of deceit to reveal the terrible truth behind SPECTRE.”

What does SPECTRE stand for?

“Special Executive for Counter-intelligence, Terrorism, Revenge, and Extortion.”

Kewl. This whole SPECTRE thing appeared in the first Bond film, Dr. No.

Old Cast and Crew:

Skyfall director, Sam Mendes, the man who brought you minutes of Daniel Craig and Judi Dench standing and staring placidly at landscapes, is back! Hopefully with less of that.

Ben Whishaw returns as Q, Naomie Harris as Moneypenny, and Ralph Fiennes as M. RIP JUDI.

New Cast:

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Bond’s car, the Aston Martin DB10 was introduced as part of the cast. That’s gotta make the actors feel special.

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One of the world’s most elegant and spectacular German humans, Christoph Waltz, is in fact joining the cast, but not as Bond villain Blofield; he will be playing Oberhauser (sounds German, ja?)

UPDATE: The Internet is telling us that Waltz will in fact be playing Blofield (the SPECTRE villain) and not Oberhauser. This is some sort of spy trickeration.

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Léa Seydoux of Blue is the Warmest Colour fame, will be playing the “main” Bond girl, Madeleine Swan. No relation to Elizabeth Swan.

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Pro wrestler Dave Bautista proved himself quite a powerful comedic actor as Drax in this summer’s Guardians of the Galaxy, and here he is again in another Blockbuster! He will be playing heavy handed villain, Mr. Hinx.

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Italian actress of Malena and Matrix fame, Monica Bellucci, will be playing an age appropriate Bond girl, Luciana Sciarra in 007. Fancy that. She’s gotta be evil though. No Bond would be seduced by a woman his own age with NO dark powers.

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Andrew Scott of Sherlock, will be joining the cast as Denbigh, a new member of MI5. He looks quite Britishy? What else is there to say…

Watch the full Bond announcement here
Cast members pose on stage with director Sam Mendes during an event to mark the start of production for the new James Bond film "Spectre", at Pinewood Studios in Iver Heath, southern England December 4, 2014. (L-R) Andrew Scott, Ralph Fiennes, Naomie Harris, director Sam Mendes, Lea Seydoux, Daniel Craig, Monica Bellucci, Christopher Waltz, Ben Whishaw, Dave Bautista and Rory Kinnear.   REUTERS/Stefan Wermuth (BRITAIN - Tags: ENTERTAINMENT SOCIETY)