(Photo © Kim Klement) For about five minutes, it looked possible. Kentucky came to life →
KSR’s take on recent non sports related happenings
Well only a month too late and The Walking Dead gives us a special Valentine’s Day episode! Girl, I’mma treat you right with this Diet Soda, some PBJs and this here bottle of pickled Pig’s feet. That’s a crossbow bolt to the heart straight from Redneck Cupid. This episode was a bit faster than last week which is not much of an accomplishment after all. Everyone seems to be inching towards Terminus and ‘Sanctuary’, which is probably happening in the finale, right? Until then, Bob’s no longer alone and Daryl seems to have himself a new runnin’ crew.
Much like South Park’s version of Family Guy, I feel like the writer’s on this show have a very limited set of idea balls that have things written on them like “Barricade in Building”, “Talk About Fear”, “There’s Still Good in the World (Greene Family Only)”, “Kill Walkers With A Viciousness That Indicates You’re Really Mad About Something Else And Are Taking It Out On The Walker, Who’s Just Doing What Walkers Do.” At least there was more gore in this episode because that seems to be one of the more interesting aspects and these effects people are really good at their job. The sign Maggie was wielding was a pretty awesome weapon.
SPOILERS AHEAD. IF YOU HAVEN’T SEEN ‘ALONE’, THE 13TH EPISODE OF SEASON 4, READ AT YOUR OWN RISK!
Instead of rogue! Get it? Also, there will be Jennifer Lawrence AND Miley in this post. I promise, just scroll down.
We have entered a new, unique era of American history and pop culture Funkhouser–the lines are blurring, what’s old is new, quirky nerds are the new jocks, and Channing Tatum has no idea what to do about it. The Breakfast Club partitions need not apply.
It’s a confusing time to be alive, and I can’t possibly keep up with the trends (mainly phone apps, why are there SO many phone apps?) but the one I have been tracking–the rise of the cat lady.
The “crazy cat lady” is not a new phenomena, in reality nor in fiction; the earliest film example of note being Alex DeLarge’s murder of a paranoid, hoarder cat woman in 1971′s A Clockwork Orange.
The cat lady truly rose to prominence with The Simpsons of course (like most all things) as Eleanor Abernathy shrieked and wailed her way into America’s collective heart in her first appearance on the show in 1998.
Aside from watching the occasional episode of Hoarders or My Cat From Hell (SWAT swoops in, rescues 760 tabbies from great aunt Bertha–standard) the cat+cat lady may not seem particularly present or relevant in your pop culture consumption.
Not so fast my friends–you have a bona fide cat lady here to tell you why cats–cat ownership, cat-related motifs and literally all things cat-related (C-A-T-S CATS CATS CATS,) have become ever so in vogue these past few years.
It’s an inverse relationship. Or reciprocal. Coactive perhaps? How did I pass high school algebra!?
And yes, 99% of the blame lies with Netflix, weed , IPAs, sloth, and duh, loneliness.
Which of course, these all go hand in hand with the cats true bedfellow–the Internet.
So let’s get started on some Internet blog list making shall we?
Here’s the proof of why, how, when, where and what the cat did to take over pop culture so we can all be in the know.
25 in all.
Remember when there was no YouTube and no smartphones? Naw, me neither. Those were dark times before Charlie the Unicorn made the trek to Candy Mountain.
In the glorious year 2005, the Internet and its primary source of time-wasting videos was born, and with it came the slow death of a show that’s apparently still on the air (sans Bob Saget) America’s Funniest Home Videos. With the help of the YouTube, one can watch men getting hit in the groin and cats falling from high places to not land on their feet for uninhibited, for hours on end.
Cats have been doing weird cat things since the dawn of time.. probably. The earth is like three thousand years old or something according to Ken Ham so around that time. But now, we can record them for the amusement of others. Hooray science!
2 years after YouTube, the Internet gave rise to yet another tool of procrastination, and thus, the profitability and popularity of the meme began.
Remember I Can Has Cheezburger? Yes, it was 7 years ago (dontcha feel old?) and no, it’s not cool anymore but it was the first forum for cat lovers to mock the grammatical mistakes of their feline friends, and it was beautiful.
One does not simply
walk into Mordor not credit LOLcats and I Can Has a Cheezeburger with revolutionizing the online world and truly jumpstarting the catvolution of the 21st century.
#3 Fuggin. Hipsters.
Aside from vinyl, PBR, West Sixth IPA, fixed gear bikes, and stupid, ridiculous beards (I could go on for days ya’ll) what truly unites hipsters is cats.
Being a “dog person” is so mainstream you guys.
As a member of the 20s-30s crowd that basically has been coined the hipster generation (if you went to college for something other than biology and like music that isn’t country–hipster) I can attest that we have a lot of cats.
I’m well aware that correlation does not imply causation, hipsters may not have cats because its trendy while simultaneously, cats may not be trendy because hipsters have them, but once I determine which came first the hipster or the cat–I will let you know.
#4 Urban Outfitters
This store was a perfect segue from #3 now wasn’t it?
Urban Outfitters is a clothing store, targeting men and women in their late teens to early twenties. And what image are they trying to sell? Well, according to the management themselves–“upscale homelessness.”
YUP, pretty revolting right?
I guess they think homeless=cats these days, because when visit the overpriced, 90s grunge, hipster chic Urban Outfitters, you are met with dozens of cat tanks, shirts, sweaters, sweatshirts, jewelry–hell, they sell a Grumpy Cat stuffed animal (more on that later.)
And don’t just think these products are a result of the du jour young women of the cat crazy community, they sell almost as many cat products for men too.
Next slide. It’s time for celebrities n’ cats brought to you by ME.
#5 Miley Cyrus
The VMAs were all about bears and the AMAs (there are WAY too many music award shows) were all about the cat.
While herself an owner of many many dogs, Miley brought out the cattitude for an emotionally wrecking performance of Wrecking Ball.
KIDDING, that crying animatronic space cat was just the weirdest. But hey, even a Disney celebrity with country music lineage can be hip these days–if she’s got cats on her side.
#6 Katy Perry
Katy Perry has a cat named Kitty Purry. She was in the I Kissed a Girl music video. She has her own Wikia page. Katy Perry’s other cat, Monkey, could not be reached for a comment as to why he can’t be a c-e-l-e-b-r-i-t-y too. He’s got a face for radio I guess.
#7 Taylor Swift
T Swifty’s journey into the crossover world led her to try on some glasses and cat ears for her music video–22, and it wasn’t just for show.
She’s a gen-u-ine cat lady. With a purebreed cat–a Scottish Fold in fact, named Meredith. And she’s an even bigger celeb than Kitty Purry–this Scottish Fold is all over Instagram. And Tumblr. Meredith’s a star.
When asked in an interview, “When are you going to write a song about Meredith,” Swifty replied:
Oh my God, I think that would be the dumbest song in the world. I just love my cat, she is so fuzzy, she’s just a cat, She doesn’t know that people know who she is cause she’s a cat.
I’m quite certain it would still be a hit.
And look at Meredith GO!
#8 Ellen DeGeneres
Everyone loves Ellen, from hipsters to housewives–and Ellen loves her cats. More than Lindsay Bluth perhaps?
#9 Ellie Goulding
The British electro-popper (new phrase I coined) is even more active than Taylor Swift on the Instagram circuit, and she posts cat pictures. A. Lot. She doesn’t even have a cat, but hey–Ellie’s always on the cool radar, setting trends right and left so ofcourseshelikescatsits2014.
The half shaved head look is not Skrillex hair, it’s Ellie hair. Just FYI. She should date Deadmau5 instead. He has cats. Just kidding, have you seen him? He’s terrifying. Looks like a DJ in Winter’s Bone.
#10 James Franco
I didn’t forget about you cat dudes, and I didn’t forget about James Franco. Along with his other degrees, Franco can add this to his résumé.
#11 Jennifer Lawrence
The coolest girl in Hollywood, and she has a cat. Time to go to the cat store to buy a cat now Funkhouser.
#12 Tina Fey
I don’t even know if the woman owns cats, but as the standard bearer of the overachieving, single, working women of the world (despite having a husband and children in reality) Liz Lemon/Tina Fey have become synonymous with cat lady-dom.
Doesn’t the entire network just feel like one enormous dejected cat lady? From Parks & Rec, to The Office, SNL, Community–it just feels right. SNL has tackled the cat topic on several occasions, with DeNiro starring in Christmas with the Cat Lady and a somewhat recent digital short–Laser Cats.
Also, Kohl’s sells a laser cat shirt. Buy you one.
#14 Angela Martin
Yes, more NBC, I love NBC!!
Now she may not have been a “cool” character, but Angela Martin was the judgmental, hyper-Christian, tiny, blonde, cat lady prude of The Office (doesn’t every office have one of them?) and she was truly a gem; Angela truly reinvented The Simpsons’ cat lady for a new generation of comedy viewers.
Dwight may have killed one of her cats once, but it doesn’t mean he loves you any less Angela. You’re 4th after beets, bears, Battlestar Galactica.
Back to the Internet famous stars of the cat-ernet.
Tumblr is a “micro-blogging platform and social-networking site” according to the source of all information, Wikipedia. It was founded in 2007. It currently hosts 174.2 million blogs. It is very popular for many things, but I would say first and foremost–television and celebrity fandom would be #1 (GLEEKS EVERYWHERE.) Next? Pictures of pretty cups of coffee and windmills. Then, cats.
It means Graphic Interchange Format. It’s a movin’ picture. Achieving mainstream popularity in the 2010s, cat trenders are a big fan of the gif.
Recent phenomena. Cat Vines. Everywhere.
#18 Colonel Meow & Grumpy Cat
Two of the most Internet famous cats of them all, Tard the Grumpy Cat and Colonel Meow, Supreme Dictator of Catsylvania, shared their loveable negativity and totalitarianism with the world these past few years.
With thousands of memes, Twitter and Facebook accounts, and fansites, these two unassociated felines became similar kinds of stars.
Tragically, Colonel Meow passed away this January.
Who are we kidding, no one gives a $*%! about Garfield anymore. Or Nermal. Damn you Nermal.
#20 Lil Bub
Lil Bub is a “perma-kitten,” a dwarf and a polydactyl cat.Her tongue always hangs out because of her short lower jaw and toothlessness but her appetite is unaffected.
Yes, that was ripped straight from Wikipedia. I admitted it, so it’s not plagiarism ok?
Another feline made Tumblr famous, Lil Bub charms time wasters everywhere with his lolling tongue, stumpy legs, and other such deformities that have made him another heartthrob of cat enthusiasts everywhere.
He also has a calendar for sale at Urban Outfitters. Of. Course.
#21 Nyan Cat
Chose the most inappropriate recreation of a Nyan Cat to share with Funkhouser. Because freedom of the press and stuff.
The original video of the flying Pop-Tart kitty with rainbows shooting from his behind was uploaded to YouTube in 2011. It shall live in infamy forever.
There are even multiple iPhone games based on his Nyan-y likeness, and they are as superb as one could imagine.
If you’ve managed to avoid the original video for 3 years, here it is again Internet.
iPhone emojis. Your 13-year old daughter loves them, and you love them. It’s both a blessing and a curse. Naturally, the 2nd edition emojis were updated to include cats in various emotional states because Apple knows how to reel you in at your weakest hour.
#23 Pusheen Cat
No idea where Pusheen the Cat came from, but he/she/it is just totes adorbs.
There is even a Catniss Pusheen.
#24 Cat Bearding
Put your cat in front of your face, make him look like your beard, take a selfie. As simple and elegant and hipstery as it sounds.
#25 Bread Cat
Take cat. Put bread on face. Put on Internet. I chose this as the last in our series of how the cat, the cat lady, and the cat gentleman became the coolest of fads, in dress, web-surfing, and simple awesomeness.
That photo is of my cat, Tiago, celebrating a big Kentucky WildCAT win over Louisville. And my friend holding him (who did not consent to being on KSR.)
Thank you for your time. If I convinced one person to check out an Urban Outfitters cat shirt, then I have won this day.
Have a Happy Caturday Eve.
On last night’s episode of Comedy Central’s newest hit, @Midnight, Chris Hardwick started the episode with these words as usual:
“It’s 11:59 and 59 seconds, this happened on YouTube today…”
YouTube is always a good source of material for the show, and sure enough it provided the world with the University of Kentucky’s worst kept fan secret, Dancing Guy and his new nemeses, “Those Other Two Dancing Guys” (trademark pending).
Hardwick went on: “It’s not March Madness yet, but a couple of people at the UK/Alabama basketball game were showing early signs of dance fever. That is what we refer to in the business as a “Dad-Off”. Also if you ever wanted to know what Steve Wozniak would look like Gangnam styling. But it doesn’t end there… a third dad is all like ‘I need to get in on some of this’, and this happens… *clip of two guys doing the sprinkler*. I think that’s the sprinkler breaking, not the sprinkler working. Comedians, what is the Urban Dictionary definition for a three way dad dance off?”
Paul F. Tompkins: Viagra Withdrawal Shuffle
Maria Bamford: “Your dad’s in good shape, I mean… I think I should be on the team, it’s just… I blew out my knee in ’94…”
Paul Scheer: That is a Menage a Pa’
Hardwick and @Midnight helped Pierre the Pelican (pre-rhinoplasty) become an internet sensation starting the hashtag #SavePierre and an awesome chant of “Yes We PeliCAN”. Hopefully @Midnight can bring Dancing Guy to more prominence than he already has known here in the Bluegrass State.
Friends, you look well. Oh, you made me a cake? It’s…delicious. Really, it is. No, I like it. I do. Thanks. It’s delicious. Oh. Sure, yes, I’ll have another piece. Hey, what’s that over there? What? No, I finished it already. Just now. I promise.
Friends, let’s be honest: this is really the only time in the entire year where anyone should really care about Joe Lunardi. This is really his time to shine; that’s because this is the only time his guesswork is on the line. So if you look at Lunardi’s latest bracketology, one can guess — because this is totally Lunardi’s thing — that he probably has a good idea of how things are going to shake out. Sure, there’ll be some changes, but this is probably the best hypothesis of what the field of 64 may look like. That said, let’s do some demographic work for CBS and find out which valued groups the network will pull if and when the following teams are added in a piece we’ll call What Your Favorite Possible NCAA Tourney Team Says About You, shall we? And I’ll see you in a couple of weeks.
Arizona: I consider a cactus to be a legitimate plant and not a novelty item.
Weber State: I have beautiful dreams that I don’t live in Ogden, Utah and then I wake up and cry.
Memphis: I think the phrase “Dirty South” sounds awesome and I don’t realize that everyone else thinks it sounds extremely unappealing.
Xavier: The only things separating me from University of Cincinnati students are a zoo and an outrageous sense of entitlement.
Oklahoma: I do not mind telling you I’m a “hell-raiser,” and I will.
Brigham Young: Don’t tell anyone but once I pushed my friend around in an empty parking lot in a shopping cart. It was crazy and you better not tell anybody.
San Diego State: Are you done talking? Because I have a perfect, beautiful day to get back to.
North Dakota State: I, and all of my family, consider Fargo to be “urban.”
Ohio State: Sweater vests are out.
Baylor: Over the past two or three years I’ve begun to suffer from vision problems and I’m not sure why.
Creighton: I know where Creighton is located.
Vermont: I have an extra jar of sorghum if you’d like some.
New Mexico: Sure, mesas are beautiful, but they get old after a while.
Stanford: I have the money to go to an inordinate number of outdoor music festivals.
Wisconsin: I have had to reinforce at least one chair in my home.
UC-Irvine: I wasn’t born with a silver spoon in my mouth like those posh twits over at UC-Davis.
Kansas: I use the words “rock,” “chalk” and “jayhawk” roughly 73% than everyone else in the country.
Robert Morris: Have you heard that we beat Kentucky once? Do you want to watch it? It’s still on my DVR.
Southern Methodist: I carry, at all times, both a gun and a bible.
Gonzaga: This is the year. I feel it. It’s gotta be, right?
UCLA: I haven’t stopped talking about my documentary in over forty-five minutes.
Green Bay: I have cheese curd grease stains on almost every dress shirt I own.
St. Louis: I went to St. Louis.
Iona: I have at least one immediate relative who wears a turtleneck and has written a book about how to raise a child.
Kentucky: I am so incredibly nervous right now.
Oklahoma State: I have a cowboy hat to match each pair of pants I own.
Michigan: I’d rather be watching football.
Delaware: I’d rather be in an apple orchard.
Connecticut: Jim Calhoun. Never forget.
St. Joseph’s: I believe Delonte West’s side of the story.
Syracuse: I cheer vigorously to fend off hypothermia.
Boston University: I have worn a blazer with sweat pants to a wedding.
Florida: I have been shot at by a stripper. (more…)
For full disclosure, I intended yesterday’s recap of Game of Arms to be a one-off recap, but then I realized, there’s something to this show. No, it’s not the next Mad Men, Breaking Bad or Walking Dead, but it’s interesting. There will be another recap next week, so we can meet the Erie Wrecking Crew, and after that, I’ll go on your comments/tweets on whether I should keep going with this. I will do a series finale at least, if not more.
Last Tuesday, AMC debuted “Game of Arms”. The show is a reality based program about the world of professional arm-wrestling. During the series, viewers get to meet five regionally based teams who will compete against one another for money and glory. If you missed the recap of the debut episode, check it out here.
So yesterday, after the first recap came out, I got this tweet:
@rbramblet WHY IS THIS SHOW NOT CALLED "ARMS RACE"
— C.M. Tomlin (@CM_Tomlin) March 4, 2014
To which I replied…
@CM_Tomlin ARMy of Darkness? ARMageddon In the ARMy Now? In hARMs Way? ChARM City Cakes? DhARMa and Greg?
— Richmond Bramblet (@rbramblet) March 4, 2014
and then we finished with:
@CM_Tomlin How I Met Your Mother
— Richmond Bramblet (@rbramblet) March 4, 2014
If you’ve read any of my other posts, you know I’m a sucker for a good pun. Do you have a better name for this show? Let me know on Twitter: @rbramblet or in the comments below.
Now, let’s meet our two teams for this week’s episode. First:
Andrew “Cobra” Rhodes – Cobra is a sixteen-time world champion, not unlike “The Nature Boy” Ric Flair. Cobra looks like a villain in a Jean-Claude Van Dam movie, except he’s a father of five, a chef, and a “Zen Master”. Looking to be a mentor to Ethan Fritsche. Also, he played a referee in the movie “Over The Top”.
Ethan Fritsche – Fritsche is the son of arm wrestling legend, Don Fritsche. Ethan is a competitive gamer and his home is supposedly the Mecca of arm-wresting: The Ponderosa. He can climb two vertical ropes, simultaneously, using one arm for each rope without using his legs… WHAT?!?!
Don Underwood – #10 ranked arm wrestler. He’s a former pro wrestler and football player, and a world arm wrestling silver medalist. Now, he’s a motorcycle salesman.
Nick Zinna – Zinna is a simple guy, it doesn’t take much to get him going. He’s a four-time national champion. From working on his parents’ farm, Zinna claims he gets his strength from that work.
Bill Logsdon – Logsdon is a two time national champion. He is known for making custom arm wrestling arm exercise machines. He makes tables, he makes forearm strengthening devices and more. Someone has a lot of time on their hands…
And their opponents…
Matt “Chop” Bertrand – Chop is a good-ole boy from Baton Rouge, and a two-time national champion. When he’s not arm-wrestling he’s a part-time shrimp fisherman and oil worker on his family farm. After his wife left him, and a gang killed three of his friends, arm wrestling is the only thing holding Chop together.
Josh “Turbo” Borrow – Turbo is Chop’s best friend; clearly as they both have silly nicknames for each other. He’s a bar manager and has a degree in digital communications. At 420 lbs., Turbo relies on strength, while being new to arm wrestling.
Ray Hennerichs – Has been arm wrestling for 20+ years. Rides around the bayou on his speedboat, and is a large-scale oil refinery construction super intendent.
Larry Alexie – Larry is a tugboat captain, aged 39, with four daughters and three grandkids. Notably, he’s missing the index finger on his left hand after losing it in a tugboat accident.
Craig Tullier – Craig is one of the strongest “pullers” in the south. He took a break after a bad divorce, but came back last year strong. Works as an oil plat construction manager, working long hours and has s teenage daughter.
Episode results after the jump…
By S.E. Shepherd on ©2:00 pm
Over the last several days, the Cats’ struggles have kicked the “Coach Cal to the NBA” rumor machine into high gear. Although Calipari’s comments following last night’s win over Alabama seemed to discredit much of that speculation, basketball fans know that you can’t always take a coach’s comments at face value. Calipari leaving Kentucky is inevitable – whether it’s after this season or several years down the road. Either way, it’s never too soon to start compiling a list of potential replacements.
So who are the top candidates to fill Coach Cal’s shoes and take over one of the most coveted, but challenging, jobs in college basketball? I’ve spent hours looking at the current crop of big name coaches – Shaka Smart at VCU, Gregg Marshall at Wichita State, Thad Matta at Ohio State, and even Brad Stevens who recently left the college ranks to coach the Boston Celtics – and I just don’t see anyone who’s equipped to handle the pressures that come with being the men’s head basketball coach at the University of Kentucky. That led me to think outside of the box and consider some lesser known names and long-forgotten legends of the game. I’ve come up with a list of four potential coaches who I believe could flourish at Kentucky. None of these candidates are slam-dunks – they all bring some pretty serious baggage to the table – but I think they are the Big Blue Nation’s best bets. Let’s take a look at each one below:
Most High-Profile Job: Coach of the Beacon Town Beavers
Coaching Philosophy: “Never get less than 12 hours sleep, never play cards with a guy who’s got the same first name as a city, and never go near a lady who’s got a tattoo of a dagger on her body.”
Why He’s a Perfect Fit to Coach at Kentucky: The best players on the 1985 Beavers team were a 5-foot supernatural creature whose favorite shot was a two-handed scoop layup and a 300-pound high school senior who looked like he was 45-years old. Finstock managed to lead his team of misfits to a Regional Championship despite the fact that the score-at-will lycanthrope didn’t even play in the championship game, proving that, on any given night, he’s uniquely equipped to overcome adversity and get the most out of the talent on hand. If nothing else, Finstock’s ability to remain calm and keep his players focused after one of their teammates literally transformed into a werewolf in the middle of a game shows that he is the epitome of grace under pressure.
Why He Might Not Be Cut-Out to Coach at Kentucky: His eating habits are terrible, so his health may be an issue. He’s been known to eat hard-boiled eggs on the sidelines during games and regularly gorge on fried chicken dinners. He also has shown questionable decision-making skills when it comes to his personal finances; former players admit to hearing him complain about his troubles with the IRS on more than one occasion.
Most High-Profile Job: Coach of the Western University Dolphins
Coaching Philosophy: “You can get through college half-assed, you can get through life half-assed, but I’ll guarantee you boys one thing, sure as hell I’ll guarantee you this: You cannot win half-assed!”
Why He’s a Perfect Fit to Coach at Kentucky: Pete Bell is among the last of a dying breed of coaches who aren’t afraid to use fear and intimidation as motivational tactics. In the mid-1990s, he established himself as one of the top recruiters in the game, attracting blue chip talent such as Neon Boudeaux (imagine a young Shaq), Butch McRae (picture Penny Hardaway in his prime), and Ricky Roe to Western. He’s also a proven winner, with one of his biggest victories coming against the then #1-ranked, alternate universe Indiana Hoosiers led by Calbert Cheaney and Bobby Hurley (?!?!) and coached by Bobby Knight.
Why He Might Not Be Cut-Out to Coach at Kentucky: Bell’s career has been marred by accusations of recruiting violations and a high-profile point-shaving scandal. He famously broke down during a post-game press conference and admitted to, among other things, providing Boudeaux with a fully loaded Lexus. And that was after a softball question from a second-rate sports reporter. That doesn’t bode well for Bell’s chances of handling the pressure of questions from the likes of Jerry Tipton and other members of the local media.
Most High-Profile Job: Coach of the Hickory High Huskers
Coaching Philosophy: “Forget about the crowds, the size of the school, their fancy uniforms. And remember what got you here. Focus on the fundamentals that we’ve gone over time and time again. And, most important, don’t get caught up in thinking about winning or losing this game. If you put your effort and concentration into playing to your potential, to be the best that you can be, I don’t care what the scoreboard says at the end of the game. In my book, we’re gonna be winners. OK?!”
Why He’s a Perfect Fit to Coach at Kentucky: Dale is a stern disciplinarian whose approach to the game places fundamentals above all else, which means the gray-haired, dyed-in-the-wool members of the Big Blue Nation would love him. Dale actually has a lot in common with John Calipari. He famously led the Huskers to an Indiana state championship with a team featuring only seven players. The Kentucky faithful would be happy to see Dale employ a similar philosophy at UK, since fans already are used to seeing Coach Cal stick with a seven- or eight-man rotation despite having a deep bench. And just as Coach Cal has stuck by a member of his staff who has struggled with alcohol, Dale showed loyalty to assistant coach Shooter Flatch – father of the Huskers’ Everett Flatch and an infamous town drunk who proved to be a valuable asset to the team during their championship run (although a relapse late in the season required Shooter to be hospitalized).
Why He Might Not Be Cut-Out to Coach at Kentucky: Dale is known for a slow and methodical offensive approach, and his practices feature more drills and conditioning work than time spent in scrimmages where players can get up-and-down the court. That throwback style might not be popular with recruits and likely wouldn’t be a good fit in today’s highlight-driven basketball culture. Of greater concern is the fact that, before finding success at Hickory High, Dale was a bit of a pariah in the basketball world, having been fired from a previous coaching job for punching one of his players. Those antics might be par for the course in Indiana, but won’t sit well with Kentucky fans.
Most High-Profile Job: Player/Coach of the Tune Squad
Coaching Philosophy: “Guys, let’s just go out and have fun.”
Why He’s a Perfect Fit to Coach at Kentucky: Michael Jordan is arguably the best player to ever play the game of basketball, and despite the fact that he played his college ball as a Tar Heel at rival North Carolina, his high-profile status makes him a perfect fit for a program that has grown accustomed to seeing celebrities like Drake, Jay-Z, and Lebron James associate themselves with the Wildcats. Jordan’s success in the NBA is well documented, but it was his stint with the Tune Squad in the mid-1990s that cemented his legacy. Not only did Jordan lead a rag-tag group of animated characters to victory over an intergalactic squad of alien baddies, he managed to do so while balancing the famously explosive and mercurial temperaments of his star players: a wise-cracking rabbit, a short-tempered duck, a loudmouth Southern chicken who some suspect was constantly drunk, and a pig with a nearly crippling speech impediment. If he can coach a team with that many issues and type-A personalities, he’ll have no problem handling the egos of the one-and-done superstars who play for Kentucky.
Why He Might Not Be Cut-Out to Coach at Kentucky: While Jordan technically served as coach of the Tune Squad, he made his biggest impact as a player on the court. He won’t have the opportunity to suit up for the Cats, which means the argument can be made that his value as a coach may be marginal at best. Jordan also has been hounded by rumors that he supplied his players with some sort of performance-enhancing substance (“Michael’s Secret Stuff”) that ultimately gave the Tune Squad an unfair advantage over the Monstars. While skirting the rules may have worked in an exhibition game between a bunch of psychotic cartoon animals and extraterrestrials, it won’t fly under the watchful eye of the NCAA.
If you’re like me (and I’m operating here on the assumption that you are, in fact, exactly like me), you’re a Wes Anderson fan. You’re the type of person who has grown to hate the word “twee” when used by his critical detractors and you struggle almost weekly with a constant mental re-ordering and re-shuffling of his films from most favorite to least favorite (Should it go “Rushmore then Bottle Rocket?” Or should it go “Rushmore then Life Aquatic then Bottle Rocket? And WHERE DOES MOONRISE KINGDOM GO?”). Rest assured, the latter is a Sisyphean task which will surely lead to your eventual insanity. Personally, though Rushmore is one of my all-time favorite movies and one I will and have watch mere isolated minutes of just to get a fix, my favorite Wes Anderson entry has to be The Royal Tenenbaums. For the uninitiated, Tenenbaums is essentially the eccentric saga of a family of geniuses, each suffering with his or her own particular burden. And it is quintessential Wes Anderson.
If you’ve seen The Royal Tenenbaums I don’t have to extol its virtues any further. If you haven’t seen it, you now have the opportunity to avoid public shaming at the next intellectual film-lovers’ social luncheon you attend by catching a special presentation of it at Cincinnati’s The Esquire Theater on March 6 at 7:30 pm. Tickets can be purchased at the Esquire or in advance at MovieTickets.com and the evening will feature the chance to win passes to an advance (for the Midwest) screening of Anderson’s latest The Grand Budapest Hotel. It’s sure to be a great time.
It’s been a big day so far here in my Twitter bubble, as the lineup from Kentucky’s biggest music festival was announced this blistering Tuesday AM.
Snagging the recently reunited Outkast, who are headlining such huge festivals as Coachella and Firefly, is undoubtedly the biggest news; bringing Andre 3000 and Co. to Louisville is absolutely sensational and speaks volumes to the direction in which Forecastle is moving (the right one…)
Some of the acts I’m most excited for–obviously the headliners, including Outkast, Beck, The Replacements, and Jack White (are The Raconteurs/Dead Weather/White Stripes going to make an appearance as well?)
In addition, Forecastle can look forward to seeing other big names from indie rock, bluegrass, and blues: Ray Lamontagne, Band of Horses, Sun Kil Moon, Twenty One Pilots, Local Natives, Trampled by Turtles, The Black Lips, Nickel Creek, Spoon, Gary Clark Jr., Lord Huron, Jenny Lewis, and Jason Isbell. And past Forecastle-er-er–the soul/funk act Sharon Jones and the Dap-Kings. And on and on and on.
It’s an impressive slate to say the least.
But what’s most noteworthy about the big names, or really, all of the names, in the announced lineup?
A) The lack of any jam band presence–or presents–the colloquial KSR commenters prefer
B) The lack of much dance music presence
C) The lack of Jim James and MMJ presence
D) Presents. Where are my gifts Forecastle Fest??!!
OK, fine, maybe C isn’t necessary. Louisville area residents have had ample opportunity to see Jim and My Morning Jacket over the years. But I’m selfish. I can never get enough.
But A and B did catch me off guard a bit; the lineup is unique/surprising given Forecastle’s history with jam bands, I would have anticipated Umphrey’s McGee (a past headliner,) Tea Leaf Green, Gov’t Mule–someone outside of the most recent jam band headliners of Widespread Panic and String Cheese Incident.
I am admittedly more surprised by the lack of a headlining DJ, given current climate of mainstream music, (though not necessarily top-40 mainstream music) in 2014. Last year’s electronic acts consisted of Purity Ring, Datsik, Griz, and Baauer–not necessarily households names outside the Harlem Shake (UGH,) but big. Flume is likely the most popular electronic artist in the 2014 lineup (or at least my personal favorite,) especially if you’ve heard of Hype Machine. You haven’t? How lame…
Chrome Sparks, Tourist, and Claude VonStroke are some of the other electronic artists that will be playing Forecastle.
Well-known veterans on the festival circuit such as Bassnectar, Pretty Lights, and Girl Talk have played Forecastle in the past; no one is in the same vein as these guys will be making an appearance come July in Louisville.
With less EDM, and less String Cheese, expect to see fewer molly poppin’ tank frat bros and tripping hippies on the Waterfront this year. I anticipate a lot of beards, flannel, and suspenders despite the likely 90+ temperatures. Seriously, Robert Plant may have met his untimely demise at last year’s festival, if not for Mother Nature’s rainy rescue.
I’m each demographic’s stereotype at any given time. Keeps
my enemies the general populace, naw, I’ll stick with enemies–on their toes.
Despite the minority of pop and dance music in the lineup, 3 of my favorites are on this side of things–Flume, Charli XCX, and St. Lucia come to mind as inevitably fun, upbeat, can’t miss shows of the fest. Especially Flume. Blogs love Flume. It sounds a whole lot like phlegm, but I swear it’s not that. And Kim Kardashian is not a hobbit. Well, at least she never told me she was…
So while I may be bummed to miss out on my three Js–jam bands, Jim James, and dJs (that one was a stretch) I’m still very excited for Forecastle, if not only for its climbing notoriety on the music scene.
Weekend passes go on sale Friday, March 7th at Noon EST. Support the Commonwealth and good music (also, supposedly, charity?
And good news for Mayor Greg Fischer and Company, the economic impact of Forecastle Fest 2013 is estimated to stand around $14 million.
That’s not chump change, even for Derby City.
See ya there Kentucky.
Or at Firefly. Or Bonnaroo. Or Lolla. Wherever I end up aside from Louisville.
Get at me on Twitter with your thoughts on the Forecastle lineup, and this summer’s best festivals. Mainly though, if you want to discuss how Forecastle is pronounced “Fox-ill.” Mind. Blown.
And check out what Twitter had to say this morning below. It was all aflutter.
“The world meets nobody halfway. When you want something, you gotta take it.” – Lincoln Hawk
In the way that Drew Franklin can quote Forest Gump from memory, I have the ability to quote the 1987 Sylvester Stallone classic (which critic Leonard Maltin gave a rating of “Bomb”, and not as in “The Bomb”, but “a bomb”) “Over The Top”. I’ve seen the movie, I don’t know how many times, but it’s in my top-five favorite movies of all-time. The movie is a tale of a truck driving father who is trying to gain the custody of his estranged, military school taught son through apparent music montages and competitive arm wrestling. A movie, which has the overlying, not subtle theme of “the world meets nobody halfway,” that has the title song, “Meet Me Halfway” by Kenny Loggins (Yeah, think that one through).
On February 25th, AMC debuted a new reality show called “Game of Arms,” a dramatic look into the world of competitive arm wrestling. It debuted as AMC’s highest rated reality show in the history of the channel, being seen by one million people. Over the season, viewers will be presented with five teams: New York City “Arms Control”, Sacramento “Arm Benders”, Kansas City “Rolling Thunder”, Baton Rouge “Roughnecks”, and the Erie “Wrecking Crew”. In the first episode, the show pits a match between the Arms Control and the Arm Benders. Let’s meet the contestants:
Mike Selearis – Mike is one of the captains of the “Arms Control,” as the team works out from his basement. We meet Mike doing one armed pull-ups on street lights in NYC. We later find out that he’s a chemistry teacher, and listens to Tony Robbins to pump himself up in the car. Oh, he also has a arm wrestling training setup in his car, not unlike:
Mike Ayello – Other Mike is a NYFD Firefighter, who was Mr. September in the 2013 FDNY Calendar. According to his stats on the Game of Arms website, he has a 20″ bicep and 17″ forearm. He trains in the fire department by climbing the firepole using just his forearm muscles. He’s a biiiiiiig dude.
Kevin Nelson – Kevin is a graphic designer but he also looks a little like Hank Azaria’s brother. He likes to play mind games with his competitors, wearing his eyeglasses to make him look weaker than his competitors. He also hangs out in a deprivation tank, just for funsies.
Dan Fortuno – Dan is the co-captain of Arms Control, a father of three and an animal rehabilitator. In the first five minutes of the episode, he shows that he can fold a frying pan with his bare hands, and his daughter says that he’s done this many times in front of potential suitors.
Rob Bigwood – Wildcard of the team, as he doesn’t like to compete. In fact, he says he hates it. However, he’s a three time New York State champion. He is also billed as arm wrestling’s only vegan competitor, which made me think of this scene from How I Met Your Mother:
And on the other side of the country, we have the squad from NorCal:
Kenny Hughes – Hughes was a national champion at age 16, however, he battles personal demons, mainly alcohol. We learn this early in the cinematic scene that the show put together as he arm wrestles someone with one arm, then does a two foot pour above his head into his mouth with the other. More on the cinematic touches in a little bit.
Luke Kindt – Three-time national champion, he also drag races and he looks like UFC Fighter Urijah Faber.
Mike McGraw – An “Arm Bender” original, holding team practices in his garage for decades. Oh, he also lost his leg as a teenager jumping freight trains, falling and getting his leg crushed. No big deal…
Tom Nelson – Nelson is a six-time national champion and works for UPS. 10 years ago, he was in an ATV accident, and while unconscious said that God spoke to him and said he would be the world’s greatest arm wrestler.
Al Fisher – Allen is a 26-time World Champion, whose signature move is the “30-degree sweep”. Oh, he’s also a minister.
So there are the teams, now what are these teams competing for? Well as the teams get to the competition (in the “abandoned repair shop”), we find out that each match is best three out of five, and the first team to win three matches gets the win. Each individual match, the winner gets $250. The team that wins, gets $1,000 to split between the five members. That’s it, each person has the possibility of walking away with $450, $250 or nothing at all. Between the flight to the other team’s place, food, lodging, etc. I can’t imagine anyone is breaking even on this deal. Anyway…
As the show started, I was initially concerned about the “reality” of the program, based on the cinematic liberties that the program chooses to take. There are many stare downs that are clearly re-shot for the purpose of the show, but about five minutes into the episode, the realness of the show takes light. Mike Selearis’ wife is making breakfast for their two kids at 6:00 AM, while Mike and the boys sweat and grunt to strengthen their forearms. While it doesn’t seem like much, the show does have many (what seem to be) non-scripted elements that make you pull for one team or the other. From the show’s website, each episode features a “dramatic” (key word) regional match, leading to a tournament finale where the entire cast competes fro prize money and bragging rights. These dramatic matches are in shady places, with onlookers that I’m pretty sure most are actors. So let’s take a look at the regional results between NYC and Sacramento:
There might be a universe where this episode interested me and one where I find the direction that The Walking Dead is going to be interesting, but it’s not this one. In this part of the KSR Multiverse (this is now a thing that I’ve made), this is probably one of the most boring episodes of a show that I find to be boring fairly often. Is anyone out there raising their hand to spend more time with perpetually petulant teen Beth? Talk about the worst foil for Daryl that the show could have picked. When your only method of mining a character’s back story is to play a game of Never Have I Ever, you know you’ve written yourself into a corner and the exit is not going to be pretty.
But The Walking Dead is the Caligula of TV shows, doing whatever they want because they can. Some episodes it feels like they’re specifically trolling the audience, having nothing happen, not even killing any walkers, because they have the ratings to do whatever they want. This felt like one of those episodes. What stood out about it? I can’t think of much other than Daryl’s golf swing. But when 13 million people are watching your cable show live, you don’t really have much of reason to care about things like good writing, good character development, or having anything interesting happen. If lazy episodes like this one can’t dent the behemoth ratings that this show has, it will never die. Oh, well. Caligula forever.
SPOILERS AHEAD. IF YOU HAVEN’T SEEN ‘STILL’, THE 12TH EPISODE OF SEASON 4, READ AT YOUR OWN RISK!
There’s a lot to be said about the Oscars, about how poorly written the telecast was, about how awkward some of the bits (pizza, anyone?) were, and about some of the winners and what it could theoretically mean. This isn’t that post. Really quickly, the winners in the major categories were:
Best Original Song: “Let It Go” from Frozen
Best Supporting Actress: Lupita Nyong’o for 12 Years A Slave
Best Supporting Actor: Jared Leto for Dallas Buyer’s Club
Best Actress: Cate Blanchett for Blue Jasmine
Best Director: Alfonso Cuaron for Gravity
Best Picture: 12 Years A Slave
Best Actor: Matthew McConaughey for Dallas Buyer’s Club
This last one is the best. If you made it through this entire telecast, which was overly long and incredibly boring (there was an entire hour between awards at one point), you were rewarded with the best acceptance speech in Oscar history. McConaughey was destined to win this award for this moment alone. The speech included a bit about his father eating Gumbo and Lemon Meringue Pie while dancing and drinking a Miller Lite. McConaughey admitted that his future self was always his hero. But the coup de grâce, the cherry on top of our Oscar Meringue Pie, was a line that is my new life’s motto. Whenever times are hard or easy, whenever life is bad or good, however things happen… to that I say, Alright, Alright, Alright.
On Sunday, all eyes will be on Hollywood as celebrities descend upon the Dolby Theatre to celebrate the entertainment industry’s biggest night, the 86th Annual Academy Awards. The ceremony is one of the few non-sporting event, must-watch broadcasts of the year, which means basically everyone you follow on Twitter and Facebook will be live-blogging the show and you’ll probably be tuning in to see what all the fuss is about. For those of you who prefer their self-congratulatory Hollywood back-pat-a-thons to be a little less hoity-toity and a little more raucous and booze-soaked, we here at KSR and Funkhouser have put together an extensive drinking game that’s guaranteed to ensure the highlights of your Oscars viewing party include a fist-fight, someone locking him- or herself in the bathroom to have a good cry, and at least one person vomiting into a potted plant. Enjoy!*
Take a Drink:
- Every time Jennifer Lawrence does something awesome/adorable/gif-worthy.
- Every time Jared Leto says something pretentious.
- If Matthew McConaughey says, “Alright, Alright, Alright”
- If Matthew McConaughey says, “JK Livin’”
- If Matthew McConaughey loses the Oscar for Best Actor but someone mentions he should have won based solely on his work in HBO’s True Detective.
- If a celebrity on Twitter makes a joke about turning off the Oscars to switch over and watch True Detective.
- If someone on Twitter, other than Lena Dunham, jokes about turning off the Oscars to switch over and watch HBO’s Girls.
- Every time someone makes a joke about how good-looking George Clooney is.
- Every time a presenter breaks the fourth wall and jokes about something written on the teleprompter.
- If anyone accepting an award tells his or her kids at home to go to bed.
- If anyone accepting an award reads his or her speech from a piece of paper (finish your drink if anyone accepting an award reads his or her speech from a phone).
- If anyone accepting an award makes a spectacle about ignoring the orchestra trying to play him or her off while in the middle of a rambling speech.
- If anyone accepting an award pretends to be humbled by just being included with the other nominees in his or her category.
- If anyone accepting an award forgets to thank his or her spouse/partner and runs back to the microphone to do so in hopes of salvaging the thin strand of hope by which their crumbling relationship is dangling.
- If a nominee for one of the major awards isn’t there in person and the producers use an unflattering photo of him or her for the onscreen “reaction shot” overlay.
- If Joseph Gordon-Levitt dances.
- If Zac Efron dances.
- Every time Ellen DeGeneres dances (apologies in advance to your poor liver).
- Once for every time there is a pre-recorded comedy bit featuring any of the following:
- A spoof of Her with Ellen standing in for Joaquin Phoenix’s character.
- A spoof of American Hustle with someone wearing a bad wig.
- A spoof of American Hustle where the amount of cleavage on display is more or less the whole punch line.
- A spoof of Gravity with Ellen standing in for Sandra Bullock’s character.
- A spoof of The Wolf of Wall Street that includes a reference to Leo’s role in Titanic.
- A spoof of The Wolf of Wall Street that includes a reference to Jonah Hill’s role in Superbad.
- A spoof of Captain Phillips featuring Tom Hanks playing himself.
- A spoof of Nebraska featuring a joke about “70 being the new 30.”
- A spoof of Philomena that anyone in the crowd “gets” since only, like, 12 people actually saw the movie.
Do a Shot:
- If someone wears a ridiculous hat that sends Twitter into a tizzy.
- If four or more people you follow on Twitter make the same lame joke about said hat.
- If someone in your Oscar viewing party pretends to be really interested in the categories of Production Design, Sound Editing, or Sound Mixing. AS IF!
- If Will Ferrell, Ben Stiller, Jack Black, or Sacha Baron Cohen present an award dressed as some wacky character (do two shots if two or more of them appear in character together to present an award).
- If the omission of some semi-famous person from the “In Memoriam” montage results in a pitchfork-wielding mob losing their collective minds on Facebook or Twitter.
- If any part of Samuel L. Jackson’s presenter remarks are bleeped for comedic effect.
- If, when presenting an award, John Travolta rocks strangely off-putting facial hair and looks like he’s sporting hair plugs.
- If someone makes the “Robert De Niro face” while introducing him or presenting alongside him.
- If someone makes a Ben Affleck/Batman joke (do two shots if the joke is actually funny).
- If Will Smith does “The Carlton” onstage or wears overalls with only one shoulder strap fully buttoned.
- For every Documentary Short Subject nominee you’ve actually seen (this will equal exactly 0 shots for you; don’t even try to front).
- For every Foreign Language Film nominee you’ve actually seen (this will equal no more than 1 shot for you, and that’s only because your spouse/partner forced you to watch one of these movies against your will).
- For every Short Film nominee – animated and live action – you’ve actually seen (this will equal 0 shots for you because WHO CARES GET TO BEST PICTURE ALREADY!!!).
Chug/Finish Your Drink:
- If someone makes a joke about James Franco being high when he hosted the Oscars (finish the drink of whoever is sitting next to you if the person making the joke is Anne Hathaway).
- If a losing nominee visibly grimaces, looks shocked, or rolls his or her eyes during the “And the Oscar goes to…” reaction shot.
- If the producers of the Oscars figure out a way to make a non-offensive joke or parody of Dallas Buyers Club or 12 Years a Slave.
- If your kids are still awake when Idina Menzel sings that terrifyingly catchy “Let It Go” song from Frozen (because your kids are going to sing along to it at the top of their lungs, and no parents should have to endure that sober).
- If Frozen doesn’t win best Animated Feature Film because your kids are going to be SO MAD!
- If The Croods wins best Animated Feature Film, because HAHAHA, what the hell is a Crood?!
Submerge Your Head in a Bucket of Grain Alcohol:
- If a same-sex kiss between presenters or an award winner and a presenter is played for comedic effect or shock value (and then groan audibly because is this really a thing we’re still trying to pretend is shocking, funny, or outrageous in 2014? GET WITH THE TIMES, PEOPLE!)
- If Tyler Perry presents an award dressed as Madea.
- If Billy Crystal shows up, either in person or in a pre-recorded bit (consume the entire bucket if he sings a medley).
Cover Your Drink So Your Tears Won’t Water It Down:
- When Bill Murray or any of the other presenters eulogize Harold Ramis. Seriously, R.I.P., Mr. Ramis. You were one of the best.
“And The Oscar Goes To…” Bonus Round:
- Pound an entire Four Loko if June Squibb, that awesome old lady from Nebraska, wins Best Supporting Actress.
- Shotgun a beer if Barkhad Abdi wins Best Supporting Actor for Captain Phillips.
- Sip a Lone Star if Matthew McConaughey wins Best Actor for Dallas Buyers Club.
- Make a Mudslide using astronaut ice cream if Sandra Bullock wins Best Actress for Gravity.
- Order a Coors, but know a Bud will do (bonus points if you get that reference) if Alexander Payne wins Best Director for Nebraska.
- Invent a shot called Liquid Quaaludes and then drink it if The Wolf of Wall Street wins Best Picture.
- Pat yourself on the back if you figured out this bonus round was just a hastily conceived way for me to reveal who I’m pulling for in the major categories.
*Disclaimer: Neither the author or KSR/Funkhouser condones anyone actually participating in this drinking game because DUH, don’t be stupid! Please obey the law, use common sense, and enjoy the alcoholic beverage of your choice responsibly, whether it’s a cold Natty Lite, a Maker’s Mark served neat, a classy glass of Pinot Noir, or a Zima garnished with a grape Jolly Rancher. Stay safe, people.
Hello, friends. You look great. But somewhat different. No, I can’t put my finger on it…wait, wait. I got it. You’re wearing a suit made out of human skin, aren’t you? Looks good on you. Not everyone could pull that off.
Friends, I don’t need to remind you that tonight our beloved Cayts take on the Razorbacks of Arkansas in a rematch after the Hogs defeated us in overtime on their home court in January. Now they’re stepping onto our turf, and we’re prepared. Since we have a bone to pick, I thought this might be a good opportunity for an Instant Hate Day post of Arkansas using material from their very own website. Don’t worry, you’ll hate it. Without further ado, let’s get started, I’ll see you here next week and have a fantastic weekend, everyone. Go Cats.
Welcome to the beautiful University of Arkansas, located in picturesque Fayetteville, Arkansas — home of two Olive Gardens, a reliable city bus transit system and a newly-renovated Hampton Inn with an indoor pool open until eleven o’clock on weekends. Your adventure as a Razorback will begin here on the University of Arkansas’ lovely, vibrant campus and remain within a solid tenth of a mile radius of the campus. Feel free to roam and make yourself at home!
Pants a little tighter? Don’t worry! As a first-year student, it’s fairly natural to put on some weight during your inaugural semesters at college. This is often called “the freshman fifteen,” and it’s very common. Should you begin to gain noticeable weight, your appointed U of A first-year body image coach will educate you on the changes to your physique and offer tips on managing yourself so you don’t look like a gross, nasty beast.
Did someone say “safety?” It’s always the word of the day for the University of Arkansas Police Department. Should you need them, there are specialized call boxes located throughout campus in case someone steals your cowboy hat or rifle or you simply can’t find your Jason Aldean CD. They’re there to help! No need to thank them; just give them a chaw and they’ll be on their way. Stay safe, Razorbacks!
How does your facial hair look? Your facial hair advisor is available during weekly office hours to help coach you through the growth and maintenance of your new look. Beards, goatees, sideburns — their expertise can help with any variation. Look at this young man; he’s a regular Ronnie Dunn! Lookin’ good, buddy!
Forward-thinking ingenuity is always in order in the classrooms of the University of Arkansas — and great ideas can come to life. Here we see an industrious team and its innovative technology after receiving a $75,000 Arthur Vining Davis Grant, $67,000 of which was spent on handlebars.
Please, no hotplates in the dorms.
Scientific pursuits are constantly furthered at the University of Arkansas, with state-of-the-art laboratories and equipment, accomplished staff and university support at every turn. Whatever your dream, you can follow it in the University of Arkansas Science Departments and perhaps one day make a terrifying disease a thing of the past. Unfortunately, the student above realizes there is no known cure for T.H.O. yet — but keep working on it!
Ever pretended that you were flying on a broom in a fictional castle full of wizards? You’re not alone. The Arkansas Quidditch Team has competed against others around the country. It doesn’t matter that you’re twenty years old; your only limits are your imagination and your inability to talk to women — and your imagination will never end, Hocksney Boomblepratt (that’s your new Quidditch name!).
Visceral demonstrations make the texts of classic literature come alive! Here, it’s like this class is actually living a scene from Moby Dick!
I know what you’re thinking: You mean I can join the Collegiate Meats Quiz Team and score a free trip to see the famous Fargo, North Dakota hobo statue at the reciprocal meats conference? YES! YOU CAN!
Enjoy every day at the University of Arkansas, new Razorbacks! Cherish each morning and each new opportunity. And remember, if your grades slip we may transfer you to the University of Arkansas-Little Rock campus, where you may be killed by a terrifying demon. Go Arkansas! Woo Pig Soo-ey!
Well folks, the day is almost nigh–where filmmakers and film watcher-ers can put on their pretentious hats and get to talk about feeeeEEeeeEeeLllMmmmz that have changed so. many. lives.
It’s time for the Academy Awards!
I’m trying my damndest not to be too wordy–my mother told me to after all, so without further ado, here’s my preview, sans any outside influence as I have avoided any other forecasting/picks/fortune-telling from other sites.
OK, that sentence was even wordy. This is difficult.
The Show Itself
Ellen DeGeneres is hosting. Ellen DeGeneres may well be the most liked person in America; behind Tom Hanks and Sandra Bullock that is.
Ellen’s as uncontroversial as any host could ever be, having hosted the Grammys, Primetime Emmys, and the second time hosting the Academy Awards (the first being in 2007.) One Million Moms may not find the voice of Dory as delightful as the rest of us, but the program will likely be pleasant and potentially a bit dull (her 07′ hosting was rather stale) but still, it’s better than having a host as unlikeable as a … Seth MacFarlane or as bored as …. James Franco.
So, it could be worse.
There are some musical performers and award presenters as well that will be gracing the stage along with Ellen, the full list can be found here.
Here are a few of the puzzlers though:
- Channing Tatum AND Zac Efron
I guess people want to Channing all over their Efron?
Both are talented and exceedingly handsome, but does NBC really think the crowds that went to see Magic Mike, The Vow, and That Awkward Moment are going to be watching the Oscars? Naw, they’re too busy picking Instagram filters.
On to the next one.
- John Travolta
I thought we’d universally agreed that this guy is creepy+bad news? I guess not, but did you see him in Savages? Still shuddering from that theater experience.
If you watched the Grammys (admit it) then you saw Pink go all Cirque du Soleil on a performance of some song, then, she came down to Earth and sang a duet with Nate Ruess of fun. which was just… creepier n hell. She’s performing again at the Academy Awards for reasons no one can explain. Yes, she’s a solid showman, but the Oscars?
It must have been that 2003 MTV Movie Award for best cameo in Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle.
- Matthew McConaughey
Wait, the rom-com guy? Wait, he’s nominated for an OSCAR. When did this happen!?
On to the picks then!
Best Actress in a Supporting Role
Sally Hawkins for Blue Jasmine
Julia Roberts for August: Osage County
Lupita Nyong’o for 12 Years a Slave
Jennifer Lawrence for American Hustle
June Squibb for Nebraska
Internet, this is a big moment for me. I am NOT picking Jennifer Lawrence, the shining star of Funkhouser, my soul mate, the love of my life.
OK, that may be excessive BUT I have lots of very special feelings for Jennifer Lawrence–her Kentucky heritage, her filmmaking choices, her talent, her hilarious interviews, her ability to fall and still look cuter than a basket of pugs; I was over the moon when Jennifer won the Golden Globe for Best Supporting for her role as Rosalyn Rosenfeld in American Hustle.
The role was handmade for her by David O. Russell (the master of the ensemble cast) and she killed it, as expected, and I nearly wet my paints like an excitable Jennifer Lawrence when she won the Golden Globe for Best Supporting Actress (the first award of the night which ruined the rest of the Globes.)
Blowing up microwaves, flirting with mobsters, beating up fat Bruce Wayne–I thoroughly enjoyed Lawrence and American Hustle, but this is Lupita Nyong’o's Oscar.
In her first full length film, playing the role of Patsey in 12 Years a Slave, she truly stole the snow from a stellar cast and emotionally taxing film. I won’t go on and on like I normally would (especially about Jennifer Lawrence..) but after winning the SAG, Critics’ Choice, and BAFTA for Best Supporting Actress, I believe the momentum has swung in the favor of Nyong’o, and rightly so.
I cannot remember a character in the past 10+ years of my life that has broken my heart again and again throughout the course of a film like Nyongo’o's Patsey.
This is a particularly strong category, with the hilarious honesty of two women in dark, family-centric comedies–Julia Roberts in August: Osage County and June Squibb in Nebraska also nominated. I really enjoyed the bizarre truthiness (Colbert word) of both dysfunctional families and these women in particular. I am going with the stripped down Julia Roberts as the dark horse of this category.
I rather loathed Blue Jasmine, but Sally Hawkins–ya done good too.
Best Actor in a Supporting Role
Barkhad Abdi for Captain Phillips
Bradley Cooper for American Hustle
Jonah Hill for The Wolf of Wall Street
Michael Fassbender for 12 Years a Slave
Jared Leto for Dallas Buyers Club
It’s Jared Leto, we all know it. OK, though this seems to be the category everyone is calling a “lock” after winning the Golden Globe, Critics’ Choice Award, and SAG award for Best Supporting–not so fast my friend.
Dallas Buyers Club was fantastic–entertaining, eye-opening, inspirational, all that good stuff. And Jared Leto, God bless his douchey 30 Seconds to Mars soul–was terrific and absolutely humanized a strong, transgender HIV positive woman, Rayon.
But I count myself among those who are tired of actors being so highly rewarded for:
– Playing something other than a “straight” character
– Going through a transformation (usually via extreme weight loss or gain)
– Being a male actor in women’s clothing
While I believe some in the Academy may share this sentiment–this is not intended to discount the work Leto did in this film, but to point out a tendency to say ”wow, he kissed a DUDE and wore a dress–automatic Oscar right there.”
Still going Leto in this category. Don’t question me.
Michael Fassbender is the most likely winner as a dark horse in this category (Jonah Hill, Bradley Cooper–no way Jose) for his role as the terrifying, drunken rage monster slaveowner with a clearly sociopathic wife–the secondary favorite in this category has to be Barkhad Abdi.
Did you know he was a cab driver? You did. Did you know Willie Cauley-Stein played football in high school and Jarnell Stokes doesn’t know how to stretch? Did ya?
Best Actor in a Leading Role
Christian Bale for American Hustle
Bruce Dern for Nebraska
Leonardo DiCaprio for The Wolf of Wall Street
Chiwetel Ejiofor for 12 Years a Slave
Matthew McConaughey for Dallas Buyers Club
It’s McConaughey vs. DiCaprio in this year’s Best Actor race, and it’s a tight one.
McConaughey has had a career transformation of sorts, going from rom com heartthrob to award winning actor overnight, while DiCaprio has been on the road to
Scorsese Oscar glory for what feels likes my entire lifetime–it’s a showdown for the ages.
Both are absolutely great and choosing between these two incredible performances is rather painful–but I’m going DiCaprio, soley on the fact that it’s about damn time for him. It’s been a year of resurgence for
Pharrell McConaughey, but the faithful, loyal, and true DiCaprio is poised for a statue. Hopefully. I love them both this is so HARD.
I have never laughed harder at a film scene in my entire life. Get this man some more Quaaludes, and, his Oscar.
PS: Watch Bruce Dern in Nebraska (has anyone else seen Nebraska, or am I just that hip?)–he’s my #3 in this category.
Best Actress in a Leading Role
Amy Adams for American Hustle
Cate Blanchett for Blue Jasmine
Sandra Bullock for Gravity
Judi Dench for Philomena
Meryl Streep for August: Osage County
You got this one Cate. It’s your time too. Are we happy it was for as “meh” a film as Woody Allen’s Blue Jasmine? No, and you shouldn’t be either. But you were the most convincing Xanax addled fallen socialite there ever was; and even acting like you’re married to Alec Baldwin has to be the worst. That’s auto-Oscar status right there.
Runner-up? Judi Dench for Philomena Lee. Not a particularly exceptional film (its overriding themes, based on a true story script was basically a can’t miss) but Judi Dench playing someone as simple, strong, and kind as Philomena Lee–a detour from her typical sophisticated woman trope–was refreshing.
Meryl was bein Meryl in August: Osage County and Sandra Bullock made 70 freaking million dollars from Gravity–let that number bounce around your brain for a bit.
My dark horse has to be Amy Adams, though I’m unsure how dark a horse she can be having starred in two Best Picture nominees and a little Superman film, all in 2013. I don’t see her taking home any individual accolades just yet, but hey Academy, surprise me why don’t ya?
Best Achievement in Directing
Alfonso Cuarón for Gravity
Steve McQueen for 12 Years a Slave
David O. Russell for American Hustle
Martin Scorsese for The Wolf of Wall Street
Alexander Payne for Nebraska
This is the surest sure thing (at least I think it is) of the major categories at the Academy Awards. Despite a rather clunky performance by George Clooney, this movie raked in more (way more) than any other Best Picture nominee, and with good reason. It was an innovative step for film technology and cinematography–it truly exemplifies the boundlessness of our potential in imaginative moviemaking.
And Alfonso Cuarón has rightly taken home every major award for directing in 2013, and he will presumably do so again on Sunday.
A dark horse for best director? I want to pick Alexander Payne, but I’m gonna go David O. Russell–he sure can throw together a loyal, talented cast and make some magic. Though admittedly, I loved the ensemble and the idea of this film in theory–it felt a bit cut and paste to me at times. But it was a fun kind of cut and paste? Meh?
Dallas Buyers Club
12 Years a Slave
The Wolf of Wall Street
But the once presumed sure thing Best Picture winner, 12 Years a Slave, has fallen to the wayside in the buzzing Internet buzz land, and I have a hunch either–the Academy is subconsciously pulling our chain and will pick 12 Years a Slave as Best Picture OR it’s going to be a big shocker and go to ….anyone else! Because, duh!
My Best Picture musings:
Maybe Leto and McConaughey are going to get their individual accolades and enough’s enough, but my movie senses are tingling–Dallas Buyers Club may swoop in and surprise us.
Falling in the “other dark horse” categories–The Wolf of Wall Street and American Hustle. Excess leads to downfall. Or, almost downfall.
Damn, and Her. Spike Jonze made me feel 10 kinds of miserable. That must mean it’s good right?
Toss up. It could be Gravity too. It was so pretty!! And her daughter is dead, isn’t that sad?!
I’m done. I’m picking 12 Years a Slave. Final answer. Michael Fassbender, Lupita Nyong’o, Chiwetel Ejiofor, Sarah Paulson–you were each absolutely phenomenal. Brad Pitt…your self-righteousness, even in fiction, knows no bounds.
Lupita Nyong’o for 12 Years a Slave
Jared Leto for Dallas Buyers Club
Leonardo DiCaprio for The Wolf of Wall Street
Cate Blanchett for Blue Jasmine
Alfonso Cuarón for Gravity
12 Years a Slave
You can bet I will be live tweeting the Oscars Sunday, so check me out on Twitter. I also may fly to LA to destroy the red carpet mani cam–who knows what will go down.
If you missed any of the previous KSR Bachelor Running Diaries, chances are it was on purpose. However, if you are interested in catching up on the earlier part of the season you can do so here.
Tonight the remaining three women who agreed to attempt to find love on national television have traveled to St. Lucia with Juan Pablo for the overnight dates in the fantasy suite. Let’s get right to it. Expect some tears, because I expect some tears.
7:04- Clare: “If Juan Pablo asks me to stay overnight with him, honestly it’s something I’ve been going back and forth with.” HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Yeah right Clare. You already did sex with him in the ocean.
7:06- Clare, Juan Pablo didn’t like your family. Your sister Laura is crazier than a football bat.
7:07- Juan Pablo gets her in the water as quick as possible. Smart move by him though because it’s his only move.
7:12- Clare isn’t wearing those earrings for fashion. Those double as brass knuckles. They are completely holding her ear lobes hostage. Wherever the earrings want her earlobes to go they are going.
7:15- They pull out the key to the fantasy suite, which is not a hotel key I’m familiar with. As Michael Kinney tweets, “Most of the keys I get have pizza delivery ads on them.” Well said.
Juan Pablo: “This is it.”
Clare: “That’s it.”
*EDITOR’S NOTE: They are, in fact, still talking about the key.
Juan Pablo: “What do you want to do? How do you feel about it?”
*EDITOR’S NOTE: Still about the key.
Clare: “Umm………… Blah blah blah your daughter blah blah blah respect blah blah blah you take her into consideration and I do too blah blah blah. When you brought it up to me, I realized that it matters to me that it matters to you.”
*EDITOR’S NOTE: Uhhhh, wut?
7:16- After spending 5 minutes trying to talk herself out of it, Clare finally talks herself into it. She’s staying the night.
7:17- Juan Pablo: “Tomorrow, we will wake jup anj know a whole lot more about each other.” Nah, pretty sure you already know it all.
7:18- If a girl is talking, Juan Pablo is doing his damnedest to get his thumb and forefinger on opposites sides of her closest earlobe.
7:20- Clare: “I’m just loving falling in love with you.” *Juan Pablo rubs her entire face* “I know you can’t say anything back right now.” *Juan Pablo rubs her entire face*
7:22- WE’RE BACK IN WATER Y’ALL!!! Jacuzzi style. No underwater straddle though. Not sure what that means.
7:23- Cameras leave. Goodnight y’all, leave room for Clare’s sister.
7:27- After her horrendous dancing and questionable drum playing, I’ll say that rhythm isn’t her thing. You know what is? Gang law. Gang law is hot.
7:29- I’m in no way saying they shouldn’t have played soccer with those village kids, but I am saying they shouldn’t have done it barefoot.
7:31- After driving through some trails and trees, they exit their dune buggy and Andi says “I hear water.” That’s exactly what she said and there is no joke. That’s the joke. Because OF COURSE he’s taking you in water.
7:33- I can’t believe he wasted time talking before he got her under that waterfall.
7:40- Juan Pablo, after Andi tells him she is glad he listens: “Of course I listen. I have to because I don’t speak the language and it’s really hard for to ever know what you are saying.”
*EDITOR’S NOTE: I made one of those sentences up.
7:42- Juan Pablo, when Andi asks him what he thinks about some things: “That’s why I have an overnight with you tonight, so we can talk about a lot of things.” Yeah. Uh huh.
7:43- This just hit me. Andi is from Atlanta. She is a southern girl. How could she fall in love with a guy who wears cargo shorts?
7:50- Juan Pablo, the next morning: “Last night with Andi was great. We talked for hours and hours and hours. I definitely think Andi could be my wife.
7:51- Andi, the next morning: “Waking up this morning, I could not wait to get out of the fantasy suite. I thought that I was falling in love with Juan Pablo, but the fantasy suite turned into a nightmare. I saw a side to him that I really didn’t like. The whole night was just a disaster. I hope he did not think that went well. I really hope he did not think that was a good date.”
So, at least they’re on the same page.
7:54- I can’t type everything Andi has said in the past three minutes, but here is the gist: She is not a fan of his.
7:55- Andi: “It’s not that I’m unsure. I know that he’s not the one.”
*EDITOR’S NOTE: Andi, the KSR crew will be in Atlanta for the SEC Tournament. I firmly believe you could be unsure about me. We’ll be at Johnny’s Hideaway.
7:56- Overall, I’d say Andi’s date did not go well.
8:03- The conversation got too serious, so they started making out and headed into some YEP, you guessed it! WATER. The ocean, to be specific. Nikki: “Every time I swim with him my feelings grow.”
*EDITOR’S NOTE: Stop for a minute and think about how dumb that statement is, you guys. She has a point though, I guess. Water does make things grow.
8:05- Juan Pablo didn’t know that “the wheels turning” meant “thinking.” Someone really needs to work on his slang with him.
8:06- Boy, Chris Harrison had a tough week in St. Lucia. Dude had to write THREE invitation cards to the fantasy suite!
8:08- Nikki’s overnight is easily summed up. They talked a little and made out a lot.
CHRIS HARRISON & JUAN PABLO TALK
8:16- I’m not making this up. Juan Pablo just said these words out loud: “My english is not very good.” Dude, we know.
8:18- To sum up this conversation, Juan Pablo said he feels good about all the women about 4 different times. That’s how he answers all the questions.
THE REST OF THE SHOW
8:20- The girls all record a video. Nikki and Clare say that they love him. Andi, as predicted, basically said “YO JUANNY PABS YA GIRL NEEDA HOLLA AT YA.”
8:25- Andi just had to walk up the longest hill ever to go talk to Juan Pablo. The fact that she could breath to get words out was quite impressive.
8:26- Andi starts talking and Juan Pablo goes straight for the ear. The hair on her ear didn’t stand a chance. He shoved that mess behind her ear immediately.
8:31- Andi: “I want to die if I have to hear ‘it’s okay’ again.” SAME.
8:33- I’m with Juan Pablo on the “I didn’t use the words ‘you are here by default.” There’s no way he’s ever used the word “default” before.
8:34- Think about how big the language barrier is between Juan Pablo and Andi. Juan Pablo speaks english as a second language. Andi is a lawyer. I used to live with a lawyer. He once told me “Aaron, as a lawyer, words are all that matter. Every single word we use matters.” Andi knows the meaning to infinitely more words than Juan Pablo does, and that’s not his
default. It’s just not meant to be.
8:39- While Andi is telling Juan Pablo that he doesn’t know anything about her, such as what religion she practices, what her social views are, and how she wants to raise her family, Juan Pablo cuts in and says: “What religion am I?” Without missing a beat Andi says: “Catholic (which he is).” It left Juan Pablo speechless. It was truly a drop the mic moment for Andi. She should have walked back down that egregiously long hill and jumped on her plane and gone back to Atlanta. But she kept talking because she’s a lawyer and that’s what she does. She’s putting him on blast.
8:41- After what amounted to probably ten minutes of her telling him off, he went back in for one more face touch. Andi’s response: “Don’t mess up my make up.”
8:43- Andi leaves in a van. Like, leaves the entire show. Kind of takes the suspense out of the rose ceremony.
8:44- Andi, still in the van, is afraid her standards are too high and she’ll never find love. Andi, I think there are a lot of guys that would completely remove the word “okay” from their vocabulary to be with you. Your standards aren’t too high.
8:45- They are still showing Andi in the van.
8:51- ABC, how long are we going to watch Andi’s van?
8:55- While Andi is still in the van, Nikki and Clare get roses. Pretty anticlimactic.
The Running Diary will be taking next week off for the reunion and will be back for the finale in two weeks. Who knows? Maybe we’ll do a live blog. If you are interested in a live blog, tweet “We want a live blog for the Bachelor finale” to @AFlenerKSR and @KySportsRadio.
I’m well aware this is a sports blog, but when I saw this map pop up on Twitter this afternoon, I couldn’t help but share. Paul Lamere of The Echo Nest, a music intelligence company, used Spotify and a range of data services to compare musical preferences for each of the 50 states. From there, he listed each state’s “signature artist,” or the artist with the most support compared to other regions.
What musician do Kentuckians love more than any other state? Fall Out Boy.
Some of the other results aren’t as shocking, like George Straight and Texas; Phish and Vermont; or Bruce Springsteen and New Jersey.
Who knew the Bluegrass was so emo?