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The New Circle Circular

Tops In Lex Mistakenly Prints Issue With Minority On The Cover

TopsInLex

Editor’s Note: The following was previously published on The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of Fake News You Can’t Count On.

Collectors of extremely rare magazines, get ready; perhaps the rarest magazine of them all is set to be given away for free along with those buy/sell/trade auto magazines at a grocery store near you beginning this summer.

That’s right, Lexington’s “priceless” magazine, Tops In Lex, announced this week that due to a printing error their next issue will feature a minority on the cover, a rare occurrence for the publication. The release will break the magazine’s current streak of 22 straight issues with an extremely white person on the cover.

“I’m really looking forward to picking this one up,” said Pierre Blase, a rare free magazine collector from Lexington who spends most of his days navigating his local Kroger taking free samples and telling the cashier “don’t ring that up, it’s free.”

“It’s a special moment for any rare free magazine collector when you can get your hands on an issue that’s as difficult to find as this one will be,” said Pierre as he asked a deli clerk when they would have more free samples of Dad’s Favorites Asiago Tomato available. “Don’t get me wrong, I love Tops In Lex. I’m probably their best ‘customer’. But it’ll be refreshing to see a cover without someone like former Vice Mayor Jim Gray or future former Women’s Basketball Coach Matthew Mitchell on it.”

There’s still no word on exactly how the printing error occurred. Our source told us things like this just tend to happen sometimes. “There’s only so many times you can search ‘white dental assistant’ on Shutterstock,” they said.

To keep up with The New Circle Circular, like the Facebook page or follow Harold Leeder’s Twitter Account.


NBC In Trouble For Not Giving Enough Credit To Husbands Of American Athletes

NBC In Trouble For Not Giving Enough Credit To Husbands Of American Athletes

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Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.

The 2016 Rio Olympics have kicked off with American women dominating the medal stand, thanks to their husbands and other men that have taught them about sports, but these American men just aren’t getting the credit they deserve.  NBC sportscaster Dan Hicks now famously gave credit for Olympic Swimmer Katinka Hozzu’s gold medal to her husband Shane Tusup, and many Americans seem to be up in arms about the comment, as he’s yet to make similar comments for our American female athletes.

Not all the problems with Olympic coverage can be blamed on NBC, even the Chicago Tribune has been in trouble for their coverage of American female medal winners.   They recently posted a tweet saying “Wife of a Bears’ lineman wins a bronze medal today in Rio Olympics.” It’s like Chicago doesn’t even want to talk about the husbands of American athletes that are winning Gold medals, or at the very least have the decency to publish the lineman’s name.

However the bulk of the blame for poor Olympic coverage does lay on the shoulders of the NBC executives, as most Americans can’t watch the Olympics live on Chicago newspapers.  The NBC executives in charge of how America experiences the Olympic games have been under fire since the beginning of their coverage, when one executive John Smith made some comments that alluded to viewers of the programming being largely female.  “In a broad sense, the broads who watch the Olympics are not big sports fans but they love reality shows.  So we try and model our Olympic coverage after that, I mean we even got Ryan Seacrest as one of our sportscasters, just so these lady viewers aren’t too confused”.

Smith continued to mansplain, “The olympics are kind of like The Bachelor, except instead of roses they give out medals, and instead of engagement rings there are Olympic rings, and instead of letting women do their natural thing of just wearing dresses, we make them swim during the bathing suit competition.”

Resident NBC sports expert and late night Olympic coverage host Ryan Seacrest also refused to admit the network’s coverage was in any way out of line, “We’re not grading these women on a scale of 1-10 like misogynists, no there is a panel that grades them on a maximum score and deducts points for imperfections.”

To keep up with The New Circle Circular, like the Facebook page or follow Harold Leeder’s Twitter Account.


Applebee’s On Nicholasville Rd Voted “Best Restaurant To Finalize Your Divorce”

Applebee’s On Nicholasville Rd Voted “Best Restaurant To Finalize Your Divorce”

applebees

Editor’s Note: The following was previously published on The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of Fake News You Can’t Count On.

“If you think your divorce has been messy, just wait until you try the salsa beef nachos!” jokes Applebee’s server, Devin, to another nearly divorced Bluegrass couple.

With fun banter like this, it’s not hard to see why the Applebee’s on Nicholasville Rd was voted Lexington’s “Best Restaurant to Finalize Your Divorce” by Tops In Lex for the third year in a row. The favorite spot for many unhappy dates knows it’s catering to a fairly large demographic of really pissed off couples.

“These days, it’s not rare for people to get divorced,” notes shift leader Dave, “happens like 50% of the time, so if anything, it’s medium rare. But these folks still need a nice, relaxed place to have a 2-star meal and hash out the final details of their crumbling lives and we’re here to give ’em that. After all, it’s hard to be sad about stuff like losing custody of your kids when you’re neck deep in chicken wonton tacos.”

While this Applebee’s still emits that typical fog of resentment felt at every Applebee’s ever, the location on Nicholasville Road has found a way to cut through some of the misery and dread. Groundbreaking services such as splitting the check and applying her half to his first alimony payment provide a bittersweet convenience that is unmatched in the food service industry.

Former Versailles couple Marcus and Sharon Porter weighed in on their recent dining experience.

“I was a little put off at first by our waitress pushing the lighter fare options or insisting I substitute steamed broccoli for the fries,”  says Marcus, “but when she explained that I’d be back out there dating again real soon, it actually made a lot of sense.”

“I wanted to finish up everything at the lawyer’s office,” snapped Sharon, “mostly because I didn’t want Applebee’s to be ruined for me. Then I quickly realized that Applebee’s was already ruined for me….because it’s Applebee’s.”

Despite their differences, the Porters did find one shred of silver lining when they worked out a settlement on the “Share 2 for $20” menu citing it as “too good a deal to pass up.”

Sharon was quick to point out, “you know, if we could’ve agreed on this much the past few years, we might not be here right now.”

“Yeah and also if you hadn’t cheated on me, Sharon,” quipped Marcus.

While no one looks forward to signing off on the papers that’ll ultimately dissolve a partnership where so much time, effort and clearing of browser history was put in, studies have shown that no one ever looks forward to going to Applebee’s either. Which makes the two, a perfect marriage.

To keep up with The New Circle Circular, like the Facebook page or follow Harold Leeder’s Twitter Account.


Most Of Rand Paul’s $301k Of Unpaid Campaign Debt Racked Up On Bad Perms

Most Of Rand Paul’s $301k Of Unpaid Campaign Debt Racked Up On Bad Perms

rand

Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of “Fake News You Can’t Count On.”

Republican U.S. Senator Rand Paul, a steadfast fiscal conservative and fashion extraordinaire, was reported earlier this week to have over $300,000 in unpaid campaign bills stemming from his spontaneous road trips to Iowa and New Hampshire earlier this year. While some rumors suggest he may have actually been trying to run for President of the United States, a closer look at his unpaid debt tells a different story. Sources have confirmed that nearly all the debt was accrued from all the bad perms Paul got along the way.

While Paul spent most of his time on the campaign trail promising super cuts to the federal budget, he was also racking up Supercuts debt of his own. Paul’s campaign spokeswoman, Kelsey Cooper, has come out today and put the blame on his brother and hair stylist, Ru.

“Those crazy Paul brothers, Rand and Ru, did spend a lot of time at the salon getting him a perm but Ru insisted on it. He also advised the Senator that the whole point of a perm was that it was permanent. We felt the bad perm was the most financially viable option for the campaign and the American people. Imagine these bills if he got a good haircut.”

Many conservatives and libertarians have criticized the Kentucky Senator for his reckless spending noting the fact that his dad, Ron Paul, used to cut his own hair. Some feel like failed presidential hopeful has lost his way and are demanding a strict perm limit be instituted by the Federal Election Commission. Rand disagrees.

“I come from a long line of perms. My dad had a wonderful perm before he lost most of his hair, just like his dad, Grand Paul. The perm is the haircut of all Paul generations stretching all the way through our lineage to Apostle Paul.”

Paul and his campaign are confident the debt will be cleared in the very near future. “Look, we’re still in the process of wrapping up our campaign operation,” said Sen. Paul. “Plus, money is not going to be a problem once the cash from my brother and I’s new project starts rolling in. Look for me in season four of Rand and RuPaul’s Drag Race.

 To keep up with The New Circle Circular, like the Facebook page or follow Harold Leeder’s Twitter Account.

Ark Encounter Engages In Naval Battle With Horseshoe Southern Indiana

Ark Encounter Engages In Naval Battle With Horseshoe Southern Indiana

horseshoe

Editor’s Note: The following was previously published on The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of Fake News You Can’t Count On.

The roar of cannon fire rang out across Kentuckiana early yesterday morning as the recently opened Ark Encounter fired a shot across the bow of the Horseshoe Casino riverboat in Southern Indiana. The gambling vessel returned fire with a barrage of empty oxygen tanks and discarded buffet plates, and before long, the two ships were engaged in a full-fledged naval battle.ark-firing-3

Witness Uncle Terry described the mayhem that ensued.

“It was madness,” said Uncle Terry. “There I was blowing my kid’s college fund when all of a sudden, cannon shots started coming in two by two.”

The Ark’s artillery assault was led by Creation Museum founder and Brett Favre look-alike Ken Ham. Ham carried out the attack because he was tired of people sinfully throwing their money away at the casino, rendering them unable to afford the 40 Days and 40 Dollars it costs to tour his Ark.

Horseshoe Southern Indiana was captained by The Gambler himself, Kenny Rogers, who was in town to gamble some more on his face with a trip to the plastic surgeon.

The battle ended in a stalemate when The Horseshoe threatened to use its ace in the hole, a weapon of mass destruction, pocket rockets, resulting in the Ark Encounter’s exodus back to Williamstown.

To keep up with The New Circle Circular, like the Facebook page or follow Harold Leeder’s Twitter Account.


Alison Lundergan Grimes At DNC Choosing Chiropractor To Fix Crooked Hillary

Alison Lundergan Grimes At DNC Choosing Chiropractor To Fix Crooked Hillary

grimes-clinton

Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.

Since earning the status of “War Criminal” because of Libya or something, presumptive Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton has noticed something isn’t quite right…with her back.  Former Democratic National Convention chief Debbie Wasserman Schultz explained that it’s Clinton’s crooked back that’s been bothering her, and not her conscience with the allegations of voter fraud and general political corruption. Through all this, in-between allegedly murdering people and treating email like snapchat, Clinton has started suffering from several subluxations in her spine.

However, not just any chiropractor can fix how crooked Hillary has become. So Alison Lundergan Grimes has been tasked with finding not only the right chiropractor, but also the right appointment, because as a secretary, it’s kind of her job.  Though Grimes, an avid Clinton supporter and currently the strongest voice of Kentucky’s Democratic Party, is happy to help the Clinton campaign in any way she can, she is forced to continue to remind the Clinton camp that she prefers the more progressive title Administrative Assistant of State.

Previously, Clinton was absolutely positive she had an appointment with one of the best chiropractors in Philadelphia Dr. Benjamen Ghazi, however both her reminder and confirmation emails got deleted somehow.

Until Clinton can get in to see the chiropractor, she’ll continue to be propped up by the backbones of Michelle Obama and Bernie Sanders.  The two far cooler representatives of the party spoke last night leaving tonight’s schedule open for Bill Clinton to drop some smooth jazz and attempt to not make eye contact with the ladies from the “Mothers of the Movement” group slated to speak later tonight.

Ultimately the convention has started off with a party divided and even Clinton’s closest allies are beginning to admit that Clinton’s back is hard to have.  However, while many at the convention are worried about having crooked Hillary’s back, everyone can agree that it’s not as awful as Donald Trump.

To keep up with The New Circle Circular, like the Facebook page or follow Harold Leeder’s Twitter Account.


Winchester Residents Under A Boil Ale-8-One Advisory

Winchester Residents Under A Boil Ale-8-One Advisory

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Editor’s Note: The following was previously published on The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of Fake News You Can’t Count On.

Some customers of the Winchester Ale-8-One District in Clark County are on a boil Ale-8-One advisory due to a far too awesome amount of flavor and caffeine found in their main ginger ale line. The city of Winchester has confirmed with district officials that the boil advisory will continue indefinitely.

In order to lift the boil Ale-8-One advisory, 81 random samples throughout the “city” of Winchester must show adequate “fizzy tastesplosion” levels and be absent of bacteria and boredom. Soda quality analyst Dr. Jen Pepper says, “Right now that ginger ale goop is bein’ sent through the main lines at barrel proof. So what we’re seein’ in the bottle, is more of an Ale 9, and legally it needs to be at more of an 8, or an 8.1, if you want it to be legal for public consumption.”

Officials want to remind residents that during the boil advisory it is not safe to drink or brush your teeth with the delicious beverage, however it is still ok to use Ale-8-1 to bathe or wash clothes as normal.

Of the Winchester residents interviewed, many weren’t concerned by the advisory. “I keep a pot of Ale-8 boiling all day anyway. Really adds some nice flavor to my Burgoo,” commented Georgia Rodgers, self-proclaimed Burgoo Queen of Clark County.

The district officials plan to monitor the samples and test them by pairing them with different bourbons over the weekend. Officials are hopeful a decision can be reached sometime Monday afternoon, or just whenever they all wake up, as they expect Sunday to be a late one. Until a decision has been reached, it will be necessary for all Winchester residents to boil any Ale-8-1 that they get from their sink faucet.

To keep up with The New Circle Circular, like the Facebook page or follow Harold Leeder’s Twitter Account.


Mitch McConnell To Use His Turtle Shell As Body Armor At RNC

Mitch McConnell To Use His Turtle Shell As Body Armor At RNC

mcconnellEditor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.

The Republican National Convention kicked off last night in Cleveland and while Kentucky Senator Mitch McConnell is moving at his own speed, he’s still expected to arrive on the floor sometime this evening.  When asked how the Majority Leader was planning on staying safe amidst a convention full of controversy, high tempers, reality television personalities and, for the first time, open carry gun laws in effect, McConnell staff said the senator would simply be relying on his natural turtle shell as body armor.

McConnell and many other Republicans were reluctant to attend the RNC this year, and not just because it’s in Cleveland. With the city, and the Trump led convention, both nicknamed the “Mistake By The Lake,” many fully expect the RNC to completely undo all the good Lebron James and the Cavaliers have done for the city this year.

“I completely support the open carry policy at the RNC,” said McConnell as he prepared his keynote filibuster speech for the convention. “And despite me bringing my turtle shell and people being a little on edge as of late, I expect there to be no violence or danger. In fact, we might be setting the record for the most good guys with guns in one place.”

The Majority Leader was actually nominated to be the temporary convention chair last night but was not able to be present for the vote and subsequent boos. Sources say he’d gotten himself flipped over on his back and had to wait for a staffer to come roll him over.

McConnell is expected to support Trump during his speech calling himself and the Republican nominee good friends. He even described their future working relationship using the old fable, ‘the tortoise and the hair.’


Burger Week Allows Lexington To Finally Reap The Rewards Of The Stockyard Fire

Burger Week Allows Lexington To Finally Reap The Rewards Of The Stockyard Fire

burgers

Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.

Lexington’s 2nd Annual Burger Week kicked off on Monday and according to officials, after yesterday’s dinner service, over three quarters of the beef that was salvaged from the February stockyard fire has been consumed. While the fire was tragic, the aftermath has proven to be both juicy and savory.

Officials say most of the preparations for this year’s festivities centered around evenly dividing up the pre-cooked beef supply that remained from the fire earlier this year. “The hardest part of our year was making sure everyone got their fair share of beef,” Organizer Dan Berger said. “We had to keep kicking the folks from the Applebee’s on Nicholasville Road out of line. It’s like ‘buddy, this isn’t even you’re neighborhood!'”cows

Among those not participating were all area Chick-Fil-A locations. Their attorneys advised them against participation since their main spokescows remain the USDA prime suspects in the ongoing arson investigation according to Lexington Police.

The increased availability of beef has led to some unusual entrants in this year’s festival. Yankee Candle attempted to put another feather in their cap by entering the ‘Called It Macaroni And Cheese Burger.’ Taco Bell attempted to get in on the action with a Burgerito, but the venture was a failure due to their cooks being unaccustomed to working with real beef.

Burger week seems to be getting good reviews so far. Jared Lorenzen was spotted celebrating by sampling burgers from five separate restaurants Tuesday night and, when we notified him it was Burger Week he responded, “What a great idea, that’s why I got these five burgers here. Do they do this monthly or…” Lorenzen trailed off as he took a bite from a Frisch’s Wildcat Bleu Burger. Chris Cross lobbied for his favorite burger place by telling patrons “You won’t get any hassle when you eat at White Castle.”

For more from Lexington’s top fake news source visit newcirclecircular.com


Pitino Secretly Wishing That NCAA’s Punishment Involves Whips And Chains

Pitino Secretly Wishing That NCAA’s Punishment Involves Whips And Chains

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Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.

While the NCAA continues its process to determine how best to punish Rick Pitino over the scandal that broke in 2015, it comes as no surprise that the UofL head coach is secretly hoping for a punishment that includes the use of whips, chains and anything else they’ve got laying around that’s leather. Pitino has already assured the NCAA’s enforcement staff that he’s been rigorously punishing himself through self-flagellation since the news of the allegations, and also before that too.

Throughout the self-imposed punishments, Pitino and the NCAA have maintained an open dialogue on the matter and agreed upon the safe word “cipher” in case one of the two parties feel the punishments begin to cross any boundaries.

Experts say it’s hard to determine what type of punishment the coach will face after new precedents were set last year. Many felt like UNC’s Roy Williams and Syracuse’s Jim Boeheim both received a softcore slap on the wrists for their rule violations. Meanwhile others, including the NCAA, argue that the two veteran coaches received the Cinemaximum punishment for their violations.fifty

One of the lead NCAA investigators explained that he’d like to meet privately with Katina Powell at least one more time, before making a final ruling, “like maybe this Saturday when my wife is heading out of town to visit her sister.”

“It’s becoming such a crazy profession,” tells Pitino. “You got coaches being fired, coaches being suspended and forced out. Look at Larry Brown. There’s a guy who was in the perfect position but still chose to leave S&MU. As far as my situation goes, my hands are tied.”

When asked for a comment on the story, Coach Cal simply stated, “yeah, he seems to like being dominated, for sure.”

For more from Lexington’s top fake news source visit newcirclecircular.com