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The New Circle Circular

ITT Tech Locksmith Student Thinks Locked Doors Are Just A Mid-Term Exam

ITT Tech Locksmith Student Thinks Locked Doors Are Just A Mid-Term Exam

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Editor’s Note: The following was previously published on The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of Fake News You Can’t Count On.

Many ITT Tech students and faculty were shocked when they arrived at the “college” Tuesday morning, only to find it had permanently closed its doors with little notice. Despite emails being sent out yesterday morning and the writing being on the wall for months prior, some were still in denial by the news such as locksmith student Todd Rhodes, who assured everyone this had to be his mid-term exam. The aspiring future Pop-A-Lock employee feverishly worked on the sealed doors for six straight hours before being corrected and dropped one full letter grade by his now former professor for not taking a break after two hours since he’d probably be union.

While Rhodes may have been in a denial about the closing, students from the welding department felt the most duped after spending their last class welding the doors shut. “We were told it was our ‘final exam’ which we now realize should’ve been a red flag since it’s only September,” said intro welder Todd Bailey, “but when we arrived Tuesday morning, we started putting two and two together and realized, we hadn’t learned how to put two and two together yet.”

Students from the accounting department cried foul on the reason given for the “college” closing. “I don’t understand how they couldn’t obtain the proper accreditation with me and all my friends paying for all our classes with a credit card,” said first year economics major Ellen Wolfe. “It just doesn’t add up on my TI-80 calculator how they’re not making a profit. But maybe I just haven’t learned enough about business yet.”

A range of emotions were felt on campus as news of the closing traveled. Some were furious, such as Todd Mulberry who was livid since he was only one week away from finishing up his two week certificate program. Others took it all in stride such as honor roll student Todd Wang who still waited the mandatory fifteen minutes for his teacher to show up before leaving.

Many faculty members were at a loss as well. “I’ve taught here for over 30 years so I will miss it but I also know with my experience, I should have no problem finding another college or university to teach my course at,” said VCR repair professor Maxwell Oldman.

To keep up with The New Circle Circular, like the Facebook page or follow Harold Leeder’s Twitter Account.


Jim Gray Supporters Glitter Bomb Rand Paul’s Field Office

Jim Gray Supporters Glitter Bomb Rand Paul’s Field Office

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Editor’s Note: The following was previously published on The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of Fake News You Can’t Count On.

In a senseless act of passive aggression, Rand Paul’s Bluegrass Field Office in Lexington was glitter bombed early Tuesday morning and the words “We Want A Permanent Solution, Not A Perm” spray painted on the outside of the building, according to local officials.

No arrests by the fashion police have been made.

Sen. Rand Paul on Tuesday called the glitter bomb an “assault on our democracy and decor”. Speaking from the scene, Paul said the incident won’t get in the way of fair elections or his campaign.

“These radical Hobby Lobbyists aren’t gonna stop our plans to represent Kentuckians and defend our constitutional liberties. And while I respect the right of anyone to protest, I don’t support non-traditional protests such as glitter bombing or going to Cher concerts.”

Gov. Matt Bevin weighed in on the “attack” and said he hopes local officials can bring the glitter bombers to justice and face trial. “If I was the judge on this case, I’d throw the scrapbook at them and give a Lifetime sentence for sure.”

To keep up with The New Circle Circular, like the Facebook page or follow Harold Leeder’s Twitter Account.


Bevin Promises “We’ll Get To The Bottom Of This” When Asked About KY’s Rank Among States

Bevin Promises “We’ll Get To The Bottom Of This” When Asked About KY’s Rank Among States

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Editor’s Note: The following was previously published on The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of Fake News You Can’t Count On.

In January, Politico released its 3rd annual rankings of the United States. Kentucky came in a very poor 44th, and apparently Governor Matt Bevin is finally finding out about it.

“We’ll get to the bottom of this,” Bevin assured Kentuckians when he was asked about the list. “I’m very curious about the methodology behind this list, and I refuse to rest until we get to the bottom of it.”

“When I find out who decided this ranking, I’m gonna be ready to fight,” Bevin said. “I wont be pulling any punches. It is going to go down.”

“I really want to know each thing that goes into determining the rankings,” Bevin said, clearly unaware that each factor was plainly laid out within Politico’s article. “Did they consider our Strength Of Schedule (1 Narcotics)? Does it include KenPom? Who knows? The rankings are probably just in alphabetical order.”

“At the end of the day, we’re gonna scratch and claw our way through this,” Bevin said. “And when they stack us up against the country again, we plan on being the last state standing.”

“I want Kentucky to be the bell [sic] of the ball. Even if that bell came from a factory that burned down and then took a bunch of government bailout money.”

It’s unclear whether or not Bevin leaving New Hampshire factored into that state’s #1 ranking, but come on, it most certainly did.

To keep up with The New Circle Circular, like the Facebook page or follow Harold Leeder’s Twitter Account.


Mom Pretends She’s Fine Eating At Hooters On Richmond Road Every Tuesday Night

Mom Pretends She’s Fine Eating At Hooters On Richmond Road Every Tuesday Night

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Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.

Lexington mom Cindy Bradford is apparently completely okay with her family’s weekly trip to Hooters every Tuesday night, despite mountains of evidence to the contrary.

“This is totally fine,” said Cindy Bradford as she picked around her shrimp and spinach salad while her husband Jeff and adult son Lucas, who still lives at home, challenged each other to a beer chugging contest. “This salad should be enough for me. I dunno, I don’t like spicy stuff, and the mild wings here just take like orange water.”

The Bradford family usually arrives at the Richmond Road Hooters location around 7:30 PM every Tuesday, right after Jeff, Lucas and the family’s youngest son, 9 year old Braden, each finish their haircuts at Knockouts Haircuts For Men.

“We like to make a whole day of it,” said Jeff. “I get home from work around 3:30, and the whole family goes to Walmart to browse the sporting goods section. Then we knock out a quick 10 frames at Eastland Bowling Center before heading to Knockouts for our weekly trims. From there, we just walk to Hooters, where they usually have the same table waiting for us.”

Jeff and Lucas checked in on Cindy as they ordered a fourth pitcher of Miller Light, “What? No I’m not mad” she replied through pursed lips. “Look I don’t even know why they keep asking if I’m mad, I’m definitely all right with all of this, I mean if this is what they want. I’m not one to complain, besides a few months ago, they asked what I wanted to do for dinner, and I said I don’t care just pick some place, and well, we’ve been coming here ever since.”

Lucas explained “We just love the…. wings here, she’s super super hot. The wings I mean.”

Jeff confirmed that the family tradition is likely to continue, “It’s always great when we can do things the whole family enjoys.”


Bill Meck Pretends He Doesn’t Know Micah Harris In Cheddars

Bill Meck Pretends He Doesn’t Know Micah Harris In Cheddars

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Editor’s Note: The following was previously published on The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of Fake News You Can’t Count On.

Yesterday afternoon, Bill Meck sat down for what he hoped would be his traditional, quiet pre-storm lunch at his favorite restaurant – Cheddar’s. Meck, the LEX 18 weatherman, always enjoys a hearty lunch whenever a big storm is on the horizon. And, like an athlete before a marathon, Meck knew it was time to start carb loading for the long night ahead. Meck explained to the hostess, on the way to his favorite booth, that he knows when thunder is coming because he gets a rumblin’ in his tummy.

Jeff Yates, Meck’s usual waiter, brought him a Mountain Dew and asked if he was ready to order. “Thanks Jeff, you know you can always COUNT on me to order the Monte Cristo,” the weatherman began his order while the waiter pretended to loosen a tie he wasn’t wearing. Meck took a sip, still waiting for a laugh that wouldn’t come, when he continued “hahaha, oh yeah and extra cheddar cheese on that because that’s what ya’ll are known for, the cheddar cheese hashedbrag (sic), am I right?”

Before that Count of Monte Cristo joke landed (never) and before the sandwich came, Meck was approached by what other diners believed to be a young, eager fan, but was actually WKYT meteorologist Micah Harris. As Harris approached Meck’s table, without looking up from his plate of onion rings, Meck waved him off and said, “Sorry kid, no autographs today.” Harris, a tad thrown, responded by telling Meck, “No, Mr. Meck, I work at WKYT. We met at the weather conference last year.” Meck quickly responded, “Oh right. You must be Jim Caldwell. Pretty sure I already signed a bunch of stuff for you all at that conference last year. Love your work.” A somewhat defeated Harris thanked the legendary weatherman and returned to his table to continue eating his kale salad.

After finishing his Monte Cristo, Meck stood up and headed for the exit, waving to friends he wouldn’t see until the next threat of a major storm. Before he reached the door, Meck’s waiter seemed to call him on his actions. “That was kind of rough back there,” Yates said. “I think that guy was just trying to be nice.” Meck then made direct eye contact with Yates and, with a tear in his eye said, “I know exactly who that was. I always know a good weatherman when I see one. He’s been on my radar for a long time.” Meck continued, “I see a lot of myself in that kid. He just needs to stay hungry but also stay humble. The worst thing that can happen to a weatherman is to get a big head. If he stays on the right track, someday we’ll all know the name Mitchell Harris.”

To keep up with The New Circle Circular, like the Facebook page or follow Harold Leeder’s Twitter Account.


After Loss, Bobby Petrino Makes Lamar Jackson Ride Back To Louisville In Sidecar Of His Motorcycle

After Loss, Bobby Petrino Makes Lamar Jackson Ride Back To Louisville In Sidecar Of His Motorcycle

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Editor’s Note: The following was previously published on The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of Fake News You Can’t Count On.

It was long trip back home this past weekend for the Louisville Cardinals after losing their first game of the year to the Clemson Tigers, 42-36. However, it was an even longer trip home for Cardinals’ quarterback Lamar Jackson who had to ride in the sidecar of Bobby Petrino’s motorcycle the whole way back. After an incredible 4-0 start to the season, Jackson had become accustomed to riding on the back like most of Petrino’s student-athlete passengers, but was informed of the coach’s decision just before the start of the trip.

“He was pretty mad at me for throwing an interception and only coming up with three total touchdowns,” explained Jackson. “He still let me have a snack and told me that if I win the rest of my games AND win the Heisman, he’ll definitely let me drive the motorcycle around the Cardinal Stadium parking lot.”

One Cardinal fan that apparently wasn’t too happy with the coach’s move to sit the star quarterback after the Clemson game was Lamar Jackson’s mother. Coach Petrino addressed those concerns at his press conference early this morning.

“I did receive a call from Lamar’s mother who was pretty unhappy about the whole situation. I simply said, ‘I’m sorry Miss Jackson’ and just apologized about a trillion times…for real. I also assured her that her son was never in any danger and that when he stood up for a brief second shouting ‘I’m king of the world!’, I immediately pulled over and got him buckled back in.”

Jackson told the press that he was looking forward to putting the whole experience behind him and to start getting ready of the next game. “I’m not even thinking about Clemson anymore and neither is coach. We didn’t even watch the game film. Instead, we watched coach’s favorite movie ‘Wild Hogs.’ He even told me about how he used to be a wild hog himself and about how much college girls love motorcycles and other stuff that has me feeling pretty motivated to win that Heisman.”

To keep up with The New Circle Circular, like the Facebook page or follow Harold Leeder’s Twitter Account.


Michael Phelps Beats American Pharoah In Exhibition Race After Pharoah Drowns In Pool

Michael Phelps Beats American Pharoah In Exhibition Race After Pharoah Drowns In Pool

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Editor’s Note: The following was previously published on The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of Fake News You Can’t Count On.

Michael Phelps, the most decorated man-fish of all-time, continued his hot streak yesterday after dominating Triple Crown winner American Pharoah in an exhibition race to raise money to cover Ryan Lochte’s legal fees from Rio. Despite drawing the inside post, American Pharoah came up short against the swim legend when he appeared to struggle with the backstroke, leading to his permanent demise.

“I knew AP would be a tough opponent so to make the race fair,” tells Phelps, “we decided to have it in his home state of Kentucky at the Beaumont YMCA which gave him home field advantage. And to balance that out, I was able to pick the race and went with the 200m individual medley, mostly because it  allows me to showcase all the different strokes for the different folks who are maybe not hardcore swim fans but just everyday people. Turned out to be the right decision because that colt couldn’t backstroke to save his life….literally.”

Despite the conditions, American Pharoah was expected to put up a better fight against the mythical water God after proving at The Preakness a sloppy track couldn’t slow him down. Trainer Bob Baffert says while he felt the colt was mentally ready for the race, all the “action” he’s been getting down at the stables as of late might’ve had him in sub-par shape physically. “I don’t like to make excuses but it’s hard to perform at a high level when your owner has you on a schedule that would’ve made Wilt Chamberlain look celibate.”

The all-knowing and all-powerful Phelps described the moments after the race as both chaotic and surreal. “When I came out of the pool, everyone was yelling and screaming but I wasn’t sure why. That was until I stopped to look around and saw it….I had broke my own record…again. People were screaming things like ‘Oh my God!’ but look, I’m no God. And I hate to keep beating a dead horse with this, but I’m just an American hero who’s the best at swimming back and forth in a pool really fast every four years.”

To keep up with The New Circle Circular, like the Facebook page or follow Harold Leeder’s Twitter Account.


Richie Farmer Keeps Telling His Coworkers At Wendy’s That He’s On Undercover Boss

Richie Farmer Keeps Telling His Coworkers At Wendy’s That He’s On Undercover Boss

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Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.

Manchester, KY — Richie Farmer is a Kentucky basketball legend, and his jersey hangs in the rafters of Rupp Arena along with the rest of The Unforgettables. However, these days Richie Farmer finds himself in another unforgettable uniform, the iconic red shirt and black apron worn by employees of Wendy’s.

The disgraced former Agriculture Commissioner may look like the typical fast food employee, even wearing a hairnet over his mustache, but we’ve learned that Farmer spends most of his days at the Manchester Wendy’s location trying to convince his coworkers that he’s only there because he’s filming an episode of Undercover Boss.

“Yeah he keeps dropping hints that he’s here filming a reality show,” said Wendy’s employee Blake Roberts. “But there’s not even a camera crew. Heck, the only camera we have is a security camera above the cash register, but it’s not even operational. Oops, I wasn’t supposed to say anything about that. I hope he’s not really an Undercover Boss.”

Another Wendy’s employee, shift manager Denise Johnson, went into more detail about about Farmer’s supposed reality show.

“Everybody thinks he’s saying that stuff about Undercover Boss because he’s embarrassed to work at Wendy’s,” Johnson told us. “But I think he just does it to get free food. He’s always telling me how it’s Wendy’s policy that CEO’s are entitled to a lifetime supply of free Frostys. He also says stuff like ‘remember our motto everybody, have it your way,’ but that’s not even our slogan, that’s Burger King. You would think the CEO of Wendy’s would know that.”

Other employees don’t seem to mind Farmer’s tall tales about Undercover Boss, but they are a little concerned about some of the customers a local celebrity can bring.

“Yeah I don’t mind the Undercover Boss stuff. I just see it as a lot funny and a little sad,” said Caleb Brown. “What I don’t really like is all the crazy Richie Farmer fans that keep showing up. There’s one guy that comes to the Drive-Thru every day and asks if Richie’s gonna play.”

We asked some Wendy’s customers what they thought about the situation.

“Undercover Boss, huh?” said Clay County resident and self proclaimed Baconator connoisseur Virgil Simpson. “Must be a two or three part episode, the guy’s been working here for four months. In fact, before this he was working at Pat’s Snack Bar. He must be working his way up the restaurant ladder. Before you know it he’ll have his jersey hanging in the Rafferty’s.”

To keep up with The New Circle Circular, like the Facebook page or follow Harold Leeder’s Twitter Account.


CentrePointe To Become “World’s Largest Horse Grave”

CentrePointe To Become “World’s Largest Horse Grave”

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Editor’s Note: The following was previously published on The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of Fake News You Can’t Count On.

After years of delays in getting the CentrePointe project off the ground, developer Dudley Webb unveiled that the project’s owners have committed to making this project a success in a different way, by never getting it OFF the ground at all. Instead, the project has taken a turn for the underground, as new project plans for construction of the “World’s Largest Horse Grave” were announced in today’s press forum at UK’s Boone Faculty Center.

The project found a new lease on “life” with “CemeteryPointe”, a burial ground for both top notch celebrity horses, as well as just about any other dead horse you can think of. The Webb group have plans to announce a ribbon cutting in the coming weeks.

Former Vice Mayor Jim Gray is excited about the “red carpet affair” for the grand opening, and what it will mean financially to businesses downtown. The affair will feature celebrity horses, alive and dead, lined up downtown from the Dunkin Donuts block of Main Street all the way to the old “Milk-And-Other-Bones” dog food factory on Upper Street, but hopefully not too close.

All the big name celebrity horses will be vying to get their hooves into the “Who’s Hooves” grave of Lexington. Finally, it looks like all the horse industry money that Lexington was promised by the CentrePointe/CemeteryPoint project will find its way into our downtown businesses.


Controversial Tweet Calls UK Football Tickets “Not Poison”

Controversial Tweet Calls UK Football Tickets “Not Poison”

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Mark Stoops imaginary son found himself in hot water today after a metaphorical tweet implied that Kentucky still had a chance of winning 3 games. The post immediately went viral and caused many fans to ask “Other than Austin Peay, who does he think we are going to beat?”

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As it stands UK only needs to win 5 of it’s remaining games to go to a bowl game and it only has one FCS school remaining so the outlook is somewhat grim.

 


At Bible Mini Golf, Water Hazard Turns Into Wine Hazard

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Editor’s Note: The following was previously published on The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of Fake News You Can’t Count On.

Officials were notified of some unusual activity near the water hazard on the seventh hole at the Lexington Ice Center’s Biblical Mini Golf last night, officials went to check the hazard and, merlot and behold, the water hazard had somehow turned into a wine hazard. The wine transformation was the second phenomenon to take place at the course in a matter of minutes after Aunt Bethel drained a miracle putt on the 6th hole.

Customers were skeptical that an actual miracle had taken place. Many initially thought it was just a “Big Red” leak from the concession stand (home of the corndog that tastes like mana from Heaven), others didn’t quite realize which miracle they were seeing as they stood in front of the hazard, raising their arms attempting to part the red wine sea. All doubts were put to rest when Uncle Terry scooped out some of the wine into his thermos. After taking a big swig he proclaimed, “this wine is subpar, and at a golf course, that means it’s great!”

By the end of the night a sizable crowd had gathered to see the miracle. The Ice Center’s ‘House Chaplain’ and guy that does the skate rentals, John DeBaptiste, blessed the miracle and the crowd before feeding everyone in attendance with only a #2 Combo Meal from Long John Silver’s. It wasn’t much of a miracle though as most had already eaten and the rest saw the bag and knew it was from Long John Silvers.

To keep up with The New Circle Circular, like the Facebook page or follow Harold Leeder’s Twitter Account.


North Carolina Punished By NCAA For Bathroom Policy Not For Academic Policy

North Carolina Punished By NCAA For Bathroom Policy Not For Academic Policy

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Editor’s Note: The following was previously published on The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of Fake News You Can’t Count On.

In response to North Carolina’s newest bathroom law, the first since outlawing that whole ‘whites only’ one, the NCAA has decided to relocate all championship tournament games that were scheduled to take place in the state over the next academic year (for NCAA purposes, the term ‘academic year’ refers to the period of time when athletes are eligible to have papers written and tests taken for them). Instead of vacating wins or vacating championships, the NCAA has decided to stand up to North Carolina by vacating their chance to host championships because of their rules on where citizens can vacate their bowels.

The law in North Carolina makes it illegal for citizens to use a bathroom based only on their biological sex. LGBT officials have pointed out the hypocrisy of many Tar Heel State residents, many of whom push for their basketball teams to get out into transition but not their citizens. “We can’t have people taking out their willies all willy-nilly,” said Durham resident Tanner Warble. “We would get people saying their transitioning to a woman so they would stay eligible for the women’s restroom but they wouldn’t do any of the research or homework behind it. Unacceptable.”

North Carolinians in favor of the new bathroom order were upset by the NCAA’s decision. “This is such a publicity stunt,” said one resident. “The NCAA is just trying to push their agenda, and make a big scene.  They’ve just decided to persecute us for our perfectly reasonable law, that we worked hard to pass, in order to get attention for ourselves and our agenda.”

The NCAA has made clear with this ruling that they will not tolerate anyone making decisions or rules that limit the freedoms of any group of individuals in their ability to express themselves or live their lives. Unless, of course, the NCAA is the one limiting the freedoms of groups or individuals, then it’s cool.

To keep up with The New Circle Circular, like the Facebook page or follow Harold Leeder’s Twitter Account.


Jim Gray Forced To Call Pop-A-Lock After Losing The Key To The City

Jim Gray Forced To Call Pop-A-Lock After Losing The Key To The City

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Editor’s Note: The following was previously published on The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of Fake News You Can’t Count On.

Former Vice Mayor Jim Gray, who was out on the campaign trail yesterday, was forced to call Pop-A-Lock after misplacing the key to the city…again. The gaffe left Gray, who’s currently running for state Senate, stranded in Nicholasville for nearly three hours before Pop-A-Lock arrived and resolved the issue. Gray was wrapping up campaigning at Jessamine County’s newest “hot spot” Brannon Crossing, after spending the day hitting the long campaign trail from the Nicholasville Library to Big Boy (the one in Nicholasville) to The Boot Store (also in Nicholasville).

“After an entire day of campaigning across the great county of Jessamine,” tells Gray, “I met up with some of my friends at Movie Tavern to see The Conjuring 2. But right when things started conjuring, I noticed I didn’t have the key to the city in my pocket anymore and would be locked out of Lexington…again.”

Gray says he then started frantically searching for his precious key and retracing his steps. However, this proved to be futile since he’d spent the whole day traveling the vast lands of Nicholasville.

“I thought I had left an extra one under the mat at Cracker Barrel but it wasn’t there. I then tried calling former mayor Theresa Isaac. She still has a spare but I hate bugging her with stuff like this all the time. It was just last week that I had to call her for help remembering the code on the garage door keypad. How am I supposed to remember which Lexington zip code is my password when there’s like 30 different ones or however many there are?”

With former mayor Theresa Isaac on vacation and unable to bring him the spare, it was Pop-A-Lock guru Dale Burns who was the first responder on the scene to assist Gray.

“I got there as quickly as I could but didn’t make any special effort to speed or anything just because it was our mayor,” says Burns. “We here at Pop-A-Lock take a lot of pride in being a non-partisan locksmith. Plus, it was the third time this month he’s called us. Few weeks ago he got stuck in Versailles when he dropped his key to the city in the moat at The Castle. His assistant said he had it out again, twirling it around his finger like a bigshot.”

With Pop-A-Lock having a master copy, they had no problem Conjuring 2 new keys and helping Gray get back into Lexington. Jim noted, “The fine folks at Pop-A-Lock are a great example of how essential small businesses are to our community. They are quick and affordable. I’d love to see them be able to expand to other cities in our state such as Louisville. When I lost my keys there a few months ago, I had to call the Papa-Lock John Schnatter and while they did arrive in 30 minutes or less, their prices were very unreasonable and the keys were covered in garlic sauce.”

To keep up with The New Circle Circular, like the Facebook page or follow Harold Leeder’s Twitter Account.


Mitch Barnhart Drunk Texts Rich Brooks Asking Him To Take Us Back

Mitch Barnhart Drunk Texts Rich Brooks Asking Him To Take Us Back

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Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.

The long holiday weekend proved to be a comedy of errors and full of embarrassment with our football team somehow losing to Southern Mississippi and we have now learned, Mitch Barnhart reportedly capped it all off with a late night, drunk text to Rich Brooks. We here at the New Circle Circular are the first to obtain the exclusive text conversation between the UK athletics director and former UK football coach below.

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The next morning, sources say Barnhart woke up full of regret and to the sound of his phone buzzing with replies from the retired Brooks.

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While Mitch has not confirmed nor denied the text conversation, he did say in a statement, “Look, we’ve got a good thing going with Coach Stoops. And we all know it’s always darkest before the dawn of the Florida game. We’re gonna be okay and quite frankly, we’re gonna be together for a long time. I’ve got 12 million reasons not to leave that man.”

To keep up with The New Circle Circular, like the Facebook page or follow Harold Leeder’s Twitter Account.


Joe B. Hall Elected Mayor Of GattiTown

Joe B. Hall Elected Mayor Of GattiTown

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Editor’s Note: The following was previously published on The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of Fake News You Can’t Count On.

The mediocre pizza buffet populace has spoken, and they’ve decided that legendary UK basketball coach Joe B. Hall will be the next mayor of GattiTown.

While exit polls at the Nicholasville Road location of GattiTown mostly showed that diners regretted their decision to eat at GattiTown, they were also a strong indicator that Coach Hall would win the election easily over his opponent, Dan Glass of Courtesy On Wheels. Glass, who ran as a member of the Sweeet! Tea Party, built his platform around removing all Pepsi products and continually reminding everyone of his campaign’s slogan “Make Dessert Pizza Sweeet! Again.”

As mayor of GattiTown, Joe B. Hall will get to enjoy several perks and privileges. Free pizza for life seems like it would be the biggest bonus, but the best benefit of being mayor is the unlimited access to Air Hockey One, the plane that escorts the Commander In Cheese of GattiTown around the skies of Lexington.

Coach Hall plans to get to work as soon as possible. He hopes to fast-track development on Centre Ball Pit, which has become a bit of an eyesore in downtown GattiTown. Hall also wants to finalize a budget fairly quickly, but it all depends on how many coins are close to falling off the edge on that one game machine.

“I want to be a mayor who can reach across the aisle,” said Coach Hall, “and grab those unfinished breadsticks from that empty table.”

Most experts feel confident that the election results are accurate, but there is a vocal minority who think that voter fraud may have taken place.

“They weren’t even asking to see people’s GattiTown Game Card at the polls,” complained Reginald Rowland, president of the GattiTown NRA and extremely vocal Dan Glass supporter. “Also, I don’t think they even counted the votes, they just weighed them on that machine in the gift shop.”

To keep up with The New Circle Circular, like the Facebook page or follow Harold Leeder’s Twitter Account.