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The New Circle Circular

Win Or Lose, Tennessee Players Are Hoping To Make Some Lifelong Friends On Saturday

Win Or Lose, Tennessee Players Are Hoping To Make Some Lifelong Friends On Saturday

Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.

This Saturday, the Wildcats will host a Tennessee team that, while only boasting a 3-4 record, has already won the championship of life. The life champs head to Lexington hoping not just to add to their win total, but also their friend total as the Volunteers have announced they will spend the game trying to forge lifelong friendships with their counterparts.

“I’m tired of taking guys down,” said defensive lineman Tyson Jones, “I’m ready to start building guys up.” Jones continued, “there’s no hostility when I tackle a guy. In my mind when I clench around his waist and we crash into the turf, I’m saying ‘I see you. I’m with you.’ That’s why I love tackling, but for me man, the best part of the game is the huddle.”

Vols backup quarterback Brayden Klopp said he has spent hours preparing for the game by going through his Facebook profile to make it ready for the new friend requests he’s expecting. “Gotta get it nice and tidy so the other teams know what I’m about off the field, too,” Klopp exclaimed.

“I treat every down like it could be my last,” said Free Safety Deron Lightwood clearing his throat, “chance to make some new connections on LinkedIn.” Lightwood wrapped up his statements and the Vols press conference by saying, “games come and go, wins can be vacated, loses can be forgotten, but friendships, friendships are forever man.”

To keep up with The New Circle Circular, like the Facebook page or follow Harold Leeder’s Twitter Account.


Full Rick Pitino Sex Tape Released As GIF

Full Rick Pitino Sex Tape Released As GIF

Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.

In an attempt to fight the University of Louisville’s decision to terminate him as Head Basketball Coach, Rick Pitino and his attorney recently released a large amount of ‘evidence’ to the media. The two hoped a data dump of text messages and logs of phone activity, would help exonerate the coach of any wrongdoing. “Maybe some podcast can use cell towers to prove Coach Pitino had nothing to do with anything the basketball team did that was wrong, but everything they did that was right,” explained Pitino’s attorney and former Lt. Governor Steve Pence.

While the two explained the evidence would hide nothing, and a few blemishes upon the Coach were to be expected, neither realized the data dump would actually include, a full length sex tape. The incident, now being referred to as Rickyleaks, now has the former Head Coach in even more hot water than before.

According to the evidence, it appears Pitino had been sending the tape to friends on various messaging platforms as an animated GIF (please note, this was not a portion of the tape or a small clip but the tape in it’s entirety that was distributed via GIF).

In an attempt to deny the newest allegations said, “Giff? Jiff? I don’t know what that is and I’ve never done anything like that or sent anything like that.” Pitino said this as reporters showed him the GIF which was followed by a message sent by Pitino that included an eggplant and an old timey film camera emoji. The next message was from the recipient asking if the eggplant emoji was in reference to the video itself or the fact that the video was taking place in an Italian restaurant known for their eggplant parmesan.

“This is some really good GIF work,” said Kevin, a source familiar with the video and an expert in the industry. “I’m telling you. This guy could’ve been a vine star. I’ve never seen someone pack so much action into such a short period of time.”

To keep up with The New Circle Circular, like the Facebook page or follow Harold Leeder’s Twitter Account.


A Columbus Day Poem For The BBN

A Columbus Day Poem For The BBN

Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.

Look now it may seem silly, but we all remember that in “1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.” Rhymes can help us remember versions of the past that may or may not be true. Since rhymes are so fun and since Columbus is offensive now we’ve come up with a new fun history-based rhyme.

In Nineteen Hundred And Ninety Two
UK had their worst loss ever, to that other team in blue

Rick had oceans of shooters, but one Timberlake in pain,
so we’d wait four more years til his Turn with Wayne

He pulled cats from the ashes, and freed the team from probation
Some sad to see him go, but happy he left us with a solid foundation

In the 90s all of Kentucky citizens were certainly on board
then came the affairs both short lived and untoward

Day after day the NCAA looked for the coach to be banned,
They found the coach was a creep, their women indiscreet, but never saw cash in hand.

A city saw that indiscretions down your leg can be swept under the rug,
but they can make big holes in your roster, that only shoe companies can help plug

However the NCAA never found evidence of the Coach’s willful misdeeds
until the FBI stepped in with Pitino-like speed

A shame for the city, they even lose 2013’s greatest success
and their program looks like their dorm rooms’ ceiling, a disgusting sticky mess

A Kentucky hero, a legend? No not quite
As old Rick was brave, but unfortunately not bright

Be careful of who you name your holidays after,
for 15 seconds they’re heroes, the next second disaster.

To keep up with The New Circle Circular, like the Facebook page or follow Harold Leeder’s Twitter Account.


Newly Free OJ Simpson Passes Up Offer To Be Interim Louisville AD

Newly Free OJ Simpson Passes Up Offer To Be Interim Louisville AD

Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.

A recently released from prison OJ Simpson reportedly passed on the offer to become UofL’s interim Athletic Director before the offer was finally extended to and accepted by Vince Tyra. Many felt Simpson would be a good fit as he was a stand out athlete on both the collegiate and professional levels and understood how to deal with the media as he was once (in this writer’s opinion) the true star of the Naked Gun films.

Simpson, however, felt that taking a job with the University of Louisville in it’s current state may tarnish his legacy. “No one has had a fall from grace like Coach Pitino,” Simpson said. “It’s hard to even fathom what that must feel like.”

“While I don’t feel that now is the right time for me to get associated with the University, I have reached out to Coach Pitino and recommended a ghost writer and sold him the title for his upcoming book, ‘If I Did It.’” Simpson continued, “sometimes the best way to get over something that you definitely didn’t do is to write a book detailing step by step how you would’ve done it if you did it. That way people know you’re innocent.”

To keep up with The New Circle Circular, like the Facebook page or follow Harold Leeder’s Twitter Account.


No One Is Mentioning These Possible Pitino Replacements

No One Is Mentioning These Possible Pitino Replacements

Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.

News is moving quickly today as Rick Pitino and Tom Jurich were put on administrative leave and many anticipate their firing to be imminent, so the question that arose among many college basketball fans that we keep hearing is, ‘Who will end up coaching the team this year?’ The University of Louisville announced that they will be naming Pitino’s successor in the next 48 hours. Many fans are speculating the position could be filled by high profile names like Tom Crean or John Thompson III, but we’ve identified some outsider candidates that we believe will at least get a look from the administration.

Papa John

Papa John seems like a common sense candidate to step in and coach the UofL basketball team for at least the 2017-18 season. He has experience working with athletes at the highest level (see: Peyton Manning), he has a familiarity with the way the University operates as he has served on the Board of Trustees and he understands the importance of recruiting as he always says, better ingredients, better basketball. In a world where you’re looking to get away from a scandal domino effect, the Papa could be the way to go.

Ashton Kutcher

Aston knows a little something about taking over for people leaving in disgrace. With Tom Jurich and Rick Pitino both leaving the school will need to replace two giants in their industry. Kutcher has himself replaced two giants in the show business industry having replaced both Charlie Sheen on Two And A Half Men and Bruce Willis in Demi Moore.

Change Coaches Every Game Making The UofL Coach Like Dr. Who

While it seems unlikely that a constant change would be good for the development of the players, it would certainly keep things interesting. Dr. Who has used this technique with great success to keep an otherwise bad television show on the air for a long time. In a time when ratings are king, this could be exactly what the UofL program needs.

John Morgan of Morgan & Morgan

Turning to an attorney can’t be a bad idea for a program under investigation from the FBI. Morgan has experience leading a team of seemingly endless Morgans at Morgan and Morgan. As someone unafraid to take on the big insurance companies you can bet Morgan won’t be intimidated going up against Roy Williams and Coach K.

Pope Benedict XVI

Benedict has been out of the game for a while now and has yet to get into television broadcasting (the hardest place to pull someone out of if you’re looking to get them to come back and coach your team). If you’re going to make a move to clear your name in the court of public opinion hiring a former mouthpiece of the Almighty is not a bad place to start. Plus, no one knows how to keep Cardinals in line like a former Pope. Maybe a pipe dream but would be a good get.

To keep up with The New Circle Circular, like the Facebook page or follow Harold Leeder’s Twitter Account.


Doctors Discover Gene That Makes Someone A Florida Fan Is The Same One That Makes People Think It’s Ok To Go Shirtless To An Olive Garden

Doctors Discover Gene That Makes Someone A Florida Fan Is The Same One That Makes People Think It’s Ok To Go Shirtless To An Olive Garden

Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.

Human genome researchers announced on Monday that they were finally able to isolate the gene that causes someone to cheer for the University of Florida. Researchers knew there was a genetic defect that caused people to cheer for Florida because, as Gene Watson said, “no one of sound mind and body would do that weird chomp thing so often without realizing how absurd it looked.”

When researchers pinpointed the genetic defect that causes people to cheer for the likes of Joakim Noah they additionally discovered that when this gene was removed, the person not only stopped cheering for Florida, but also felt the need to put on a shirt before going to the Olive Garden.

While this discovery has DNA researchers excited about the possibilities, they did say there were still limitations to what they could uncover. “I don’t believe current science has the capacity to figure out how South Carolina fans are able to get through a single football game with that rooster sound going off every 10 seconds,” Watson said. “It’s beyond our current realm of understanding.”

To keep up with The New Circle Circular, like the Facebook page or follow Harold Leeder’s Twitter Account.


Kroger Employees Ask To Rearrange Kroger Field Before Next Home Game

Kroger Employees Ask To Rearrange Kroger Field Before Next Home Game

em>Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.

Like a newly adopted dog it’s taken some time but Kentucky fans have finally started to get used to the new name of their home stadium ‘Kroger Field.’ However, as many fans will find out in two weeks when they return to the stadium, part of the agreement also allows Kroger the ability to engage in one of their favorite corporate pastimes, rearranging an entire building so that customers are completely lost next time they go in.

“We find that our customers get bored if they come in our stores and know how to find everything,” said Kroger spokesperson Sam Walton (no relation). “If they come in here and know where everything is, they’ll just walk in get their stuff and leave. So to boost profits we move everything around so you have to aimlessly wander the entire store to find bean sprouts or whatever dumb vegetables people are into now. We’re taking that same logic and applying it to Kroger Field. If you have to wander the concourse you’re more likely to buy cotton candy and bottled water.”

“I’m preparing myself for the worst,” said longtime football season ticket holder Kevin Martin. “I wouldn’t be surprised to go to my seat for the Florida game and find they’ve moved the paper towels to that section. You know what? I wish they would reorganize the frickin’ parking lot man. They could make the whole parking lot a round-a-bout and it wouldn’t be half as bad as it was last week.”

To keep up with The New Circle Circular, like the Facebook page or follow Harold Leeder’s Twitter Account.


Top 8 Highlights From Sunday’s Telethon

Top 8 Highlights From Sunday’s Telethon

Joe B Hall prepares to play his recorder at Sunday’s telethon

Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.

The University of Kentucky basketball team made all of Big Blue Nation extremely proud by holding a telethon and raising over one million dollars for the victims of Hurricane Harvey. In addition to the impressive fundraising, the team also opened eyes of the Kentucky fanbase by showing off the the wide-range of off-the-court talents they possessed. If you missed the telethon, here are some of our favorite highlights from the event:

Joe B Hall poses with Terry Meiners after nailing his recorder solo

  • As the telethon kicked off there was an entertaining portion where Coach John Calipari had to explain to many of the young players what a landline phone was and how to use them.
  • Joe B Hall’s Recorder solo during California Dreamin’.
  • The highest-rated hour was the one where the camera just circled John Robic’s head and captured the sheen of the studio lights off his wonderful locks.
  • Joel Justus showed off his marionette collection in a short play he wrote about the benefits of mathematics in basketball, until Kenny Payne called one of them a puppet and chairs started flying.
  • During the “Feats Of Robert Harris’ Strength” segment, Strength and Conditioning Coach Robert Harris ripped apart phone books with his bare hands, the players were impressed once they found out a phone book is “a printed off version of whitepages.com”.
  • Nick Richards had an odd but enthralling segment where he just named different types of birds he could think of (spoiler: it was a lot).
  • The most moving section was when Johnny David and Dillion Pulliam sang Kid Rock and Sheryl Crow’s “Picture” over harrowing footage of the flood damage
  • Hamidou Diallo gave tips to kids watching in his segment “Hamidou’s and Hamidon’ts”

To keep up with The New Circle Circular, like the Facebook page or follow Harold Leeder’s Twitter Account.


Fans Wonder What They Did To Mark Stoops To Deserve This As They Arrive In Hattiesburg

Fans Wonder What They Did To Mark Stoops To Deserve This As They Arrive In Hattiesburg

Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.

“Welcome to The Hub City,” a sign reads sarcastically as fans cross into the city limits of Hattiesburg Mississippi for what they hope is the last time. Hattiesburg, home of the University of Southern Mississippi and that’s about it, will host UK’s football team this week as they complete the second half of a home and home scheduling mistake.

“Surely there must be some sort of explanation,” began tailgating expert Eddie Maggard, “maybe Coach Stoops lost a bet, or maybe he accidentally hit reply all to an email from the state of Mississippi when they were scheduling games for old and state?”

“You wish that was the reason Edwin,” exclaimed Maggard’s scorned wife Betty. “If there’s one thing I know, it’s what vengeance looks like, and coincidentally it looks like exactly southern Mississippi in August. This here is revenge.”

“I grabbed a pamphlet from a rest stop, called ‘What to do in Hattiesburg,’ and the inside was blank,” said Mrs. Maggard.

A low volume of home ticket sales, fans calling for his job, a general low level of respect for the sport in comparison to basketball here on campus could all be contributing factors to Stoops wanting to take revenge on the Big Blue Nation.

“Look I get it, we should have more faith in you and what you’re doing here. It was rude of us to all talk about your 12 million dollar buyout clause for 2 months straight last year. I see now that things could be so much worse, you’ve made your point coach. Now please don’t make us have to come back here ever again.”

To keep up with The New Circle Circular, like the Facebook page or follow Harold Leeder’s Twitter Account.


Joe B Hall Says “If You Didn’t Wear Special Glasses Yesterday You Probably Have A Seeing Loss”

Joe B Hall Says “If You Didn’t Wear Special Glasses Yesterday You Probably Have A Seeing Loss”

Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.

Former UK Basketball Coach and radio personality Joe B. Hall was spotted yesterday walking around outside of the Warby Parker store in The Summit at Fritz Farm shouting at passersby, “If you stared at the sun without those fancy 3D glasses, you probably have a seeing loss.”

Hall, who was hanging out at Warby Parker while waiting for a new pair of glasses to be made because, “I was lookin’ at how weird my shadow was and I stepped on ’em,” was telling anyone that would listen that they needed to get their eyes checked. “Personally, I didn’t suffer a vision loss, but if you stared at the eclipse you probably have a seeing loss,” the crowd that had gathered cheered as he continued to repeat his famed catchphrase. However, the former coach wasn’t only concerned with the eclipse having an impact on people’s vision, “I’ve noticed that ever since the moon covered up the sun, I got a lot stronger physically, and I can even eat spicier foods than I could yesterday,” Hall concluded as he took a bite from a serrano pepper without being phased.

“I don’t want to say I have super strength or anything now but something definitely changed,” Hall explained, “I’d show you how I’m stronger but I’m kind of tired right now.” Hall then went inside to retrieve his new glasses and came out, lifted up a Mini Cooper that was blocking him in, and then got in his car and drove away.

To keep up with The New Circle Circular, like the Facebook page or follow Harold Leeder’s Twitter Account.