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The New Circle Circular

Eric C. Conn Writing A Biopic Which Details His Run From The Law Called ‘Conn-Err’

Eric C. Conn Writing A Biopic Which Details His Run From The Law Called ‘Conn-Err’

Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.

As Eric C. Conn walked slowly down the steps of the courthouse, the weight of his handcuffs around his wrists was not enough to keep him from using his hands to simulate how his surroundings would be framed on camera.

“Yes, this will be perfect!” shouted Conn over reporters clamoring to get a word in with the former fugitive. “Exterior. Courthouse Steps. Dusk.” He turned his head to the left and shouted, “Put that in bold, Terry, and get the address before you leave here or we’ll totally forget!”

“Terry’s my assistant director on this project,” explained Conn several days later in an interview with us, as he sat cross-legged nursing a glass of prison toilet wine. “I want this project to be special, I want it to be perfect.”

Conn claims that ever since his return to the United States, he has been handwriting a test script for a film detailing his 6 month run from the law for the Lifetime channel. “Or Discover ID, if we have to. Unless we want to go a little grittier and try and shoot it ourselves, and see if we can get into Cannes. Hell, I should be a shoe-in for Cannes, Conn does Cannes 2019. That’ll sell some bus tickets to France, hey Terry?”

Conn says his script is still in the outlining stages, but is currently over 600 pages long. “I’ve been using whatever I can get my hands on to write the darn thing, but so far it’s mostly been ketchup, because I’m not too good at typing, and they won’t let me have any pens.”

“Look, I made some mistakes by helping poor people get their checks and the movie is going to show that, we’re not going to back away from that, that’s why the working title is Conn-Err. We’re thinking the poster should have me in a tank top walking away from a fiery bus explosion. Selma Hayek is my top choice for the love interest I meet in Guatemala. Maybe Steve Zahn will come out of retirement to play me? I’m not 100 on that yet though.”

He showed us and several other reporters part of the script but a lot of it smeared as he handed it to us. One scene, Conn explained, would show the audience how he had taught himself Spanish. However, it just seemed to be a long shot of him walking down the bus aisle saying “Hola” at every seat.

“I’m looking for the right mélange of passion, fire, fear and heat to tell my tale. It won’t be an easy task for a studio, as we want the romance of The Notebook, with all the action of Threat Level Midnight, told from the eyes of a French painter.”

To keep up with The New Circle Circular, like the Facebook page or follow Harold Leeder’s Twitter Account.


UofL Players Appear To Not Be Adjusting Well To This Season’s Pay Cuts

UofL Players Appear To Not Be Adjusting Well To This Season’s Pay Cuts

Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.

“The economy around us has changed and we are all making some cutbacks,” Head Coach David Padgett says to his team as he passes out Lean Cuisine meals. “We’ve all had to take pay cuts, everyone in this room, but we can’t let it impact our performance.”

Whenever management is forced to cut salaries there is always a risk that performance will be impacted. And after a devastating 29 point loss to UK over the weekend, it’s become evident that the pay cuts players have taken this year have indeed had a negative effect.

“I was expecting a check,” Senior Clark Vance said. “Instead I got enrolled in a jelly club. 4 years with the University. I’ve gotten a Christmas bonus every year but this one. You don’t want to give bonuses, fine. But when people count on them as their salary, well what you did just plain…” “Sucks,” interjected redshirt sophomore Russ Snelling.

After telling the players that they all just needed to keep working and that he would try to get bonuses reinstated, Padgett left the meeting room and went into the kitchen. He began unboxing those Lean Cuisine Supreme Pizzas where you have to fold the box over to create a cooking surface and started microwaving them two at a time. “We’ve got recruits coming in later,” Padgett said to us, smiling as he fought back tears. “I hope these high schoolers like low cal pepperonis.”

To keep up with The New Circle Circular, like the Facebook page or follow Harold Leeder’s Twitter Account.


Northwestern Football Team Dreaming Of The Day They Will Write About Bowl Games Instead Of Play In Them

Northwestern Football Team Dreaming Of The Day They Will Write About Bowl Games Instead Of Play In Them

Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.

Northwestern University’s football team is excited to take the field on Friday as they lineup against the Wildcats in the Music City Bowl, but many of the players indicated that they’d be more excited to be lining up for popcorn in the press box.

“Look, this game will be fun and everything,” senior Travis Patterson told the media after asking each of them for their autograph. “The real treat though, will be next year, when we’re getting to sit where you sit, writing about sports instead of actually playing them.”

Northwestern is renowned for its sports journalism program as it’s produced a number of ESPN and FOX Sports personalities. In fact, many call Northwestern “Syracuse for people from Milwaukee.”

Patterson concluded his media appearance by saying, “Look, most of us here at Northwestern are going to be going pro in something other than sports, but we’ll also be going pro in something other than print media, as it’s a dying industry. Luckily, our curriculum has prepared us for when our future employers inevitably pivot to video.”

To keep up with The New Circle Circular, like the Facebook page or follow Harold Leeder’s Twitter Account.


Fans Disappointed Kenny “Sky” Walker Not In Latest Star Wars Film

Fans Disappointed Kenny “Sky” Walker Not In Latest Star Wars Film

Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.

While it may have won big at the box office with the largest opening weekend ever, Star Wars: The Last Jedi managed to lose the admiration of the nerdiest portion of the Big Blue Nation, and they have subsequently taken to Twitter in droves to relay their disappointment with the latest installment of the Star Wars film franchise.

Some of these nerds blame the corporate fatcats at Disney for the commercialization of the commercial enterprise, while others want to point the blame at a director who previously only worked with Joseph Gordon Levitt. Regardless of where the fingers are being pointed, their question is the same, “Where is Kenny ‘Sky’ Walker?”

In the early 80’s Lexington was home to a lot of outerspace friendly basketball players, as Melvin Turpin was known as the Big Dipper and Kyle “O Ren” Macy enjoyed his senior year as a star and in their wars nerds found a crossover fanbase with the Kentucky Wildcats.

“Look I came to this film with the promise of learning more about the Skywalker clan and how far across time and space their lineage spans, and you aren’t even gonna show a glimpse of the only one that has won an NBA Dunk contest?” asked Walker’s former coach and mentor Joe B. Hall Kenobi.

“Someone even gave me a spoiler before I went. They said you’d get to see someone related to Luke flying around like this,” explained the Coach as he tried to mimic the ‘Michael Jordan Jumpman’ pose, “and I thought for sure that meant we’d see Kenny posterizing that dude from Girls, but no dice. Literally.”

While many fans attended the premier of the long awaited Star Wars installment at the Kentucky Theatre, they were left more questions than answers at the advertised post-film Q&A with Kenny “Sky” Walker.

“I had a bunch of questions about what it was like to hang out on set with Warwick Davis, but it turns out Kenny never even met him, and he hadn’t even seen Willow. So total bust,” said Hall who still plans on watching the next film. “OH yeah a young Hand Solo in his own movie? I’ll be there.”

To keep up with The New Circle Circular, like the Facebook page or follow Harold Leeder’s Twitter Account.


Pizza Hut Delivery Tracker Promises Eric C. Conn Will Get To US In Next 45-55 Minutes

Pizza Hut Delivery Tracker Promises Eric C. Conn Will Get To US In Next 45-55 Minutes

Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.

Kentucky law enforcement officials are celebrating as they finish counting down the minutes for their delivery of fugitive Eric C. Conn and a 2 liter of Sprite. In an arrest order placed by the FBI on June 2nd for the fugitive, Pizza Hut has finally located the order and are delivering him as we speak.

It’s rumored that Conn had been living in a Havana pizza cafe just a few months ago, however Cuban pizza magnate Domingo Digiono refused to deliver the fugitive.

While Conn himself has always been “more of a Papa John’s guy” he’s prided himself on avoiding arrest for just over 6 months. Conn was last seen eating gas station food somewhere in New Mexico, and authorities lost track of him as he neglected to use his speedy rewards card at the time of his purchase.

Authorities had trouble tracking down Conn after receiving what they thought were initially conflicting reports causing a Domino’s effect of confusion. “One minute we’re getting intelligence saying, he’s at the pizza hut,” explained this case’s lead F.B.I. agent Patrick Noid, “The next we’re hearing he’s at a Taco Bell. Once one of our decoders started scanning the reports, we realized Conn was at a combination Pizza Hut and Taco Bell.”

Local La Ceiba Pizza Hut manager Pequeño Ceasar assured reporters that Conn will still be warm when he arrives back on U.S. soil. “We placed him in the insulated pizza bag on behalf of the F.B.I. It’s way more secure than an ankle bracelet.”

To keep up with The New Circle Circular, like the Facebook page or follow Harold Leeder’s Twitter Account.


Blue Hair Fans Getting The Best Seats For Smackdown At Rupp Threatens To Ruin Atmosphere

Blue Hair Fans Getting The Best Seats For Smackdown At Rupp Threatens To Ruin Atmosphere

Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.

Whether it’s been Face vs Heel, Hogan vs Andre the Giant, Stone Cold vs The Rock, or Elderly Fan vs Young Student Fan, the WWE has always been home to rivalries. Recently, the latter has really heated up as millennials have found themselves battling with D-Generation Xers for the best seats in the house.

“How can they expect us young wrestling fans to show up at Rupp, when they give all the good seats to those old blue hairs,” asks one student who we didn’t bother writing their name down but I can assure you it was Tristan or Brecken or something. “Sure these old people have been coming to Rupp for pro-wrestling events for 60 years, but they add nothing to the atmosphere. Time to buy some binoculars, grandpa,” explained Skylar (maybe), barely looking up from his phone.

We asked an old guy that was eating soup as if it were a meal in Rupp Arena’s food court about why he thinks his generation deserves the best seats. “Because I’ve put in my time. I was here when Andre the Giant body slammed that jobber, when Rupp only hosted house shows. I was here the first time Doink the Clown brought out Dink. I was there.” He then stammered on for a while like most old people will if you give them the chance, but eventually we started paying attention again and he was like, “You also gotta remember that these students have been here for ten minutes, and I’ve been paying more than face value on tickets for years now. I mean just to smell the lower arena I have to make a sizable donation to the World Wildlife Fund every year.”

Others argue that when WWE does a show at Cameron Indoor, all the students get the best ringside seats and it’s just not fair. However, some also point the failing numbers in attendance can be blamed on the way the WWE schedules their shows at Rupp.

“Look we all wanna see John Cena wrestle,” said WWE superfan Bill Meck, “but I don’t really wanna pay big bucks to watch him wrestle Fort Wayne.”

While it’s true that many of tonight’s smackdown attendees are legacy WWE ticket holders, Meck believes they’ve earned it. “Today’s generation doesn’t understand loyalty the way Rupp Arena does. I mean when we were kids we didn’t mess around, so when we made that pledge to NWO we meant it, and when you’re NWO for life, it’s legitimately FOR LIFE.”

In the end both sides have understandable claim to the seats at Rupp. While students might be louder and at this point in their lives might even care about the outcomes of each match more, older fans take the same pain medications the wrestlers do, so in the end you’re splitting hairs, and at Rupp, the hairs will always end up blue.

To keep up with The New Circle Circular, like the Facebook page or follow Harold Leeder’s Twitter Account.


Campus Starbucks Releases Basketball Spice Latte

Campus Starbucks Releases Basketball Spice Latte

Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.

For most coffee shops, Pumpkin Spice is the seasonal beverage. But here in the bluegrass, November means basketball season. That’s why Starbucks is now offering a basketball flavored latte.

Shift manager Denise walks us through the process. “We start with espresso and steamed milk. Then we add three pumps of the ‘Court Side Syrup’. It’s a mixture of locally sourced sweat from Rupp Arena and high fructose corn syrup. We finish it off by squeezing the air out of an entire basketball into each cup.” Denise tossed the deflated husk into a recycling bin. “The only dribbling those’ll be doing is on your chin,” she added with a smile.

“Everyone on the team has been in to try it.” said barista Kyle. “Except Dillon Pulliam. Not sure I’ve met him.” He looks at the name written on the cup he’s just finished and yells “Phillum. Your order’s ready. Phillum.” A saddened Dillon Pulliam takes the cup and mopes to the creamer station.

The flavor hasn’t been a slam dunk with all the patrons.

“I think it’s disgusting,” said UK student Shelton Manzana. “It smells like hot asphalt. Why didn’t they just put some lines on a macaroon?”

The company is also now offering some specialty Basketball Lattes named after the coaches. The ‘Joe B. Hall’ is decaffeinated with splenda. The ‘Rick Pitino’ is served with a splash of creamer onto your jeans. And the ‘Billy Gillespie’ comes with a shot of scotch on the side and a BLT with a bite taken out of it.

The coffee shop is also keeping with the season by selling some holiday themed music CD’s. Like Coach Cal’s harmonica heavy Christmas album, which includes the title track, “Harp! The Herald Angels Swing”.

The shop says they plan on keeping the flavor all the way to the NCAA. “Depending on how things go this could be on our chalk board till mid April,” says shift manager Denise. “We’re definitely not selling out of these anytime soon.”

To keep up with The New Circle Circular, like the Facebook page or follow Harold Leeder’s Twitter Account.


Calipari Shows Off Blues Harmonica For Last Three Hours Of Trip To Chicago

Calipari Shows Off Blues Harmonica For Last Three Hours Of Trip To Chicago

Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.

Kentucky goes on the road to meet Kansas Tuesday night for the Champions Classic in Chicago. A city with a history of great basketball and musical talent, Coach Calipari was ecstatic to be visiting The City of Blues.

“Back to that same old place, Sweet Home Chicago,” sang Calipari before cupping a harmonica in his hands and sustaining a single note while writhing around in his chair. “It’s like he was impersonating someone doing a solo,” recalled a confused Kenny Payne.

We asked Payne if the harmonica was part of the Coach’s standard pregame travel routine, “No. I think he got it when we stopped at Cracker Barrel.”

Calipari himself maintains that the harmonica was given to him at a Mississippi crossroads after making a deal with the devil.

“Muddy Waters, Howlin Wolf, John Mayer. That guy can really wail,” said Calipari before sliding the harmonica back and forth across his lips mimicking a train engine. “All aboard the Night Train,” he said, announcing his next rendition. “Hear that train comin down the line, Keep up with it Johnny!” Assistant to the coach, John Robic, tried to keep the tempo on a Yamaha electric bass he brought specifically for the trip.

“After my son graduates, maybe I’ll go pro,” said Cal as he wiped saliva off the harmonica on his suit jacket. Coach Cal then added, “I guess this road trip makes me a real Blues Traveler” before laughing hysterically into his harmonica, only briefly stopping to check and see that Kenny Payne had heard him say it the first time.

Calipari then put on a DVD of “The Blues Brother’s” calling it what got him hooked on the blues. The movie played on the flat screens spaced out above the player’s seats. Towards the end of the film the bus driver yelled at Calipari for attempting a John Belushi style cartwheel in the aisle.

Before the early tip off of the Champions Classic the coach was seen outside the arena in sunglasses and a fedora asking some street performers if he could jam on their set.

To keep up with The New Circle Circular, like the Facebook page or follow Harold Leeder’s Twitter Account.


Rand Paul Out 3-6 Weeks, Expected To Return To Senate After Bye Week

Rand Paul Out 3-6 Weeks, Expected To Return To Senate After Bye Week

Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.

Reports of Senator Rand Paul suffering an injury had been popping up all weekend but it has now been confirmed that the senator is expected to miss 3-6 weeks as he recovers from broken ribs. The doctor that made the tackle on Paul was in fact penalized for targeting and will have to sit out the first half of the next congressional session. The Senate announced that they would not be putting Paul on the IR and expect him back this season. Many political reporters have been calling for the Senator to slide more to avoid risking injuries and you can expect those calls to be louder than ever now, but Paul has insisted that this won’t change his governing style.

The injury has sent many Fantasy Senate Managers scrambling to the waiver wire to pick up a replacement. While the fringe senator is droppable in most leagues, savvy managers will want to pick him back up in a couple weeks to make a push for the playoffs as Paul carries value in both standard scoring leagues as well as PPR (Point Per Rand) leagues.

The senate will have to rely on a heavy dose of discussing tax reform during Paul’s absence. Paul, however, has said he plans to return to Capital Hill as soon as possible to begin rehabbing the injury.

To keep up with The New Circle Circular, like the Facebook page or follow Harold Leeder’s Twitter Account.


An Embarrassed John Robic Is The Only Coach In Costume At Film Session

An Embarrassed John Robic Is The Only Coach In Costume At Film Session

Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.

“BY THE POWER OF GREYSKULL,” yelled special assistant John Robic as he kicked in the door of the UK Basketball media room, “I HAVE THE POWER!” His entrance was impressive, and the golden haired basketball film expert was the spitting image of HE-MAN himself, but unfortunately he was the only member of UK’s staff dressed in a Halloween costume.

Assistant Coach Kenny Payne shook his head in disbelief, “Man I felt bad but I had to look away, so he couldn’t see me laughing. I swear I almost cried. Seriously c’mon bro, who let him out of the house looking like that? He’s a grown man!”

Payne wasn’t the only one in attendance fighting back tears of laughter, “Usually our film sessions are dress down days, but most of us think of that as meaning we don’t have to wear a suit. Robic dude you’re barely wearing clothes,” joked assistant coach Tony Barbee

Coach John Calipari admitted he felt bad about Robic being the only one in the office dressed up on Halloween, “I found a packed of Ketchup and dropped a dab of it under my nose. I yelled at Robes, and was like ‘Hey look here, I’m eleven’ but he stepped out to change into sweats.” Normally Cal doesn’t mind people breaking away from long film sessions for a little while, however, he was worried about Robic’s sudden exit, “who know’s how long he’ll be in there combing his hair. We all know he has to wait for it to be damp before he can hit it with four blasts of that Farah Fawcett spray.”

To keep up with The New Circle Circular, like the Facebook page or follow Harold Leeder’s Twitter Account.