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The New Circle Circular

A Columbus Day Poem For The BBN

A Columbus Day Poem For The BBN

Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.

Look now it may seem silly, but we all remember that in “1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.” Rhymes can help us remember versions of the past that may or may not be true. Since rhymes are so fun and since Columbus is offensive now we’ve come up with a new fun history-based rhyme.

In Nineteen Hundred And Ninety Two
UK had their worst loss ever, to that other team in blue

Rick had oceans of shooters, but one Timberlake in pain,
so we’d wait four more years til his Turn with Wayne

He pulled cats from the ashes, and freed the team from probation
Some sad to see him go, but happy he left us with a solid foundation

In the 90s all of Kentucky citizens were certainly on board
then came the affairs both short lived and untoward

Day after day the NCAA looked for the coach to be banned,
They found the coach was a creep, their women indiscreet, but never saw cash in hand.

A city saw that indiscretions down your leg can be swept under the rug,
but they can make big holes in your roster, that only shoe companies can help plug

However the NCAA never found evidence of the Coach’s willful misdeeds
until the FBI stepped in with Pitino-like speed

A shame for the city, they even lose 2013’s greatest success
and their program looks like their dorm rooms’ ceiling, a disgusting sticky mess

A Kentucky hero, a legend? No not quite
As old Rick was brave, but unfortunately not bright

Be careful of who you name your holidays after,
for 15 seconds they’re heroes, the next second disaster.

To keep up with The New Circle Circular, like the Facebook page or follow Harold Leeder’s Twitter Account.


Newly Free OJ Simpson Passes Up Offer To Be Interim Louisville AD

Newly Free OJ Simpson Passes Up Offer To Be Interim Louisville AD

Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.

A recently released from prison OJ Simpson reportedly passed on the offer to become UofL’s interim Athletic Director before the offer was finally extended to and accepted by Vince Tyra. Many felt Simpson would be a good fit as he was a stand out athlete on both the collegiate and professional levels and understood how to deal with the media as he was once (in this writer’s opinion) the true star of the Naked Gun films.

Simpson, however, felt that taking a job with the University of Louisville in it’s current state may tarnish his legacy. “No one has had a fall from grace like Coach Pitino,” Simpson said. “It’s hard to even fathom what that must feel like.”

“While I don’t feel that now is the right time for me to get associated with the University, I have reached out to Coach Pitino and recommended a ghost writer and sold him the title for his upcoming book, ‘If I Did It.’” Simpson continued, “sometimes the best way to get over something that you definitely didn’t do is to write a book detailing step by step how you would’ve done it if you did it. That way people know you’re innocent.”

To keep up with The New Circle Circular, like the Facebook page or follow Harold Leeder’s Twitter Account.


No One Is Mentioning These Possible Pitino Replacements

No One Is Mentioning These Possible Pitino Replacements

Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.

News is moving quickly today as Rick Pitino and Tom Jurich were put on administrative leave and many anticipate their firing to be imminent, so the question that arose among many college basketball fans that we keep hearing is, ‘Who will end up coaching the team this year?’ The University of Louisville announced that they will be naming Pitino’s successor in the next 48 hours. Many fans are speculating the position could be filled by high profile names like Tom Crean or John Thompson III, but we’ve identified some outsider candidates that we believe will at least get a look from the administration.

Papa John

Papa John seems like a common sense candidate to step in and coach the UofL basketball team for at least the 2017-18 season. He has experience working with athletes at the highest level (see: Peyton Manning), he has a familiarity with the way the University operates as he has served on the Board of Trustees and he understands the importance of recruiting as he always says, better ingredients, better basketball. In a world where you’re looking to get away from a scandal domino effect, the Papa could be the way to go.

Ashton Kutcher

Aston knows a little something about taking over for people leaving in disgrace. With Tom Jurich and Rick Pitino both leaving the school will need to replace two giants in their industry. Kutcher has himself replaced two giants in the show business industry having replaced both Charlie Sheen on Two And A Half Men and Bruce Willis in Demi Moore.

Change Coaches Every Game Making The UofL Coach Like Dr. Who

While it seems unlikely that a constant change would be good for the development of the players, it would certainly keep things interesting. Dr. Who has used this technique with great success to keep an otherwise bad television show on the air for a long time. In a time when ratings are king, this could be exactly what the UofL program needs.

John Morgan of Morgan & Morgan

Turning to an attorney can’t be a bad idea for a program under investigation from the FBI. Morgan has experience leading a team of seemingly endless Morgans at Morgan and Morgan. As someone unafraid to take on the big insurance companies you can bet Morgan won’t be intimidated going up against Roy Williams and Coach K.

Pope Benedict XVI

Benedict has been out of the game for a while now and has yet to get into television broadcasting (the hardest place to pull someone out of if you’re looking to get them to come back and coach your team). If you’re going to make a move to clear your name in the court of public opinion hiring a former mouthpiece of the Almighty is not a bad place to start. Plus, no one knows how to keep Cardinals in line like a former Pope. Maybe a pipe dream but would be a good get.

To keep up with The New Circle Circular, like the Facebook page or follow Harold Leeder’s Twitter Account.


Doctors Discover Gene That Makes Someone A Florida Fan Is The Same One That Makes People Think It’s Ok To Go Shirtless To An Olive Garden

Doctors Discover Gene That Makes Someone A Florida Fan Is The Same One That Makes People Think It’s Ok To Go Shirtless To An Olive Garden

Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.

Human genome researchers announced on Monday that they were finally able to isolate the gene that causes someone to cheer for the University of Florida. Researchers knew there was a genetic defect that caused people to cheer for Florida because, as Gene Watson said, “no one of sound mind and body would do that weird chomp thing so often without realizing how absurd it looked.”

When researchers pinpointed the genetic defect that causes people to cheer for the likes of Joakim Noah they additionally discovered that when this gene was removed, the person not only stopped cheering for Florida, but also felt the need to put on a shirt before going to the Olive Garden.

While this discovery has DNA researchers excited about the possibilities, they did say there were still limitations to what they could uncover. “I don’t believe current science has the capacity to figure out how South Carolina fans are able to get through a single football game with that rooster sound going off every 10 seconds,” Watson said. “It’s beyond our current realm of understanding.”

To keep up with The New Circle Circular, like the Facebook page or follow Harold Leeder’s Twitter Account.


Kroger Employees Ask To Rearrange Kroger Field Before Next Home Game

Kroger Employees Ask To Rearrange Kroger Field Before Next Home Game

em>Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.

Like a newly adopted dog it’s taken some time but Kentucky fans have finally started to get used to the new name of their home stadium ‘Kroger Field.’ However, as many fans will find out in two weeks when they return to the stadium, part of the agreement also allows Kroger the ability to engage in one of their favorite corporate pastimes, rearranging an entire building so that customers are completely lost next time they go in.

“We find that our customers get bored if they come in our stores and know how to find everything,” said Kroger spokesperson Sam Walton (no relation). “If they come in here and know where everything is, they’ll just walk in get their stuff and leave. So to boost profits we move everything around so you have to aimlessly wander the entire store to find bean sprouts or whatever dumb vegetables people are into now. We’re taking that same logic and applying it to Kroger Field. If you have to wander the concourse you’re more likely to buy cotton candy and bottled water.”

“I’m preparing myself for the worst,” said longtime football season ticket holder Kevin Martin. “I wouldn’t be surprised to go to my seat for the Florida game and find they’ve moved the paper towels to that section. You know what? I wish they would reorganize the frickin’ parking lot man. They could make the whole parking lot a round-a-bout and it wouldn’t be half as bad as it was last week.”

To keep up with The New Circle Circular, like the Facebook page or follow Harold Leeder’s Twitter Account.


Top 8 Highlights From Sunday’s Telethon

Top 8 Highlights From Sunday’s Telethon

Joe B Hall prepares to play his recorder at Sunday’s telethon

Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.

The University of Kentucky basketball team made all of Big Blue Nation extremely proud by holding a telethon and raising over one million dollars for the victims of Hurricane Harvey. In addition to the impressive fundraising, the team also opened eyes of the Kentucky fanbase by showing off the the wide-range of off-the-court talents they possessed. If you missed the telethon, here are some of our favorite highlights from the event:

Joe B Hall poses with Terry Meiners after nailing his recorder solo

  • As the telethon kicked off there was an entertaining portion where Coach John Calipari had to explain to many of the young players what a landline phone was and how to use them.
  • Joe B Hall’s Recorder solo during California Dreamin’.
  • The highest-rated hour was the one where the camera just circled John Robic’s head and captured the sheen of the studio lights off his wonderful locks.
  • Joel Justus showed off his marionette collection in a short play he wrote about the benefits of mathematics in basketball, until Kenny Payne called one of them a puppet and chairs started flying.
  • During the “Feats Of Robert Harris’ Strength” segment, Strength and Conditioning Coach Robert Harris ripped apart phone books with his bare hands, the players were impressed once they found out a phone book is “a printed off version of whitepages.com”.
  • Nick Richards had an odd but enthralling segment where he just named different types of birds he could think of (spoiler: it was a lot).
  • The most moving section was when Johnny David and Dillion Pulliam sang Kid Rock and Sheryl Crow’s “Picture” over harrowing footage of the flood damage
  • Hamidou Diallo gave tips to kids watching in his segment “Hamidou’s and Hamidon’ts”

To keep up with The New Circle Circular, like the Facebook page or follow Harold Leeder’s Twitter Account.


Fans Wonder What They Did To Mark Stoops To Deserve This As They Arrive In Hattiesburg

Fans Wonder What They Did To Mark Stoops To Deserve This As They Arrive In Hattiesburg

Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.

“Welcome to The Hub City,” a sign reads sarcastically as fans cross into the city limits of Hattiesburg Mississippi for what they hope is the last time. Hattiesburg, home of the University of Southern Mississippi and that’s about it, will host UK’s football team this week as they complete the second half of a home and home scheduling mistake.

“Surely there must be some sort of explanation,” began tailgating expert Eddie Maggard, “maybe Coach Stoops lost a bet, or maybe he accidentally hit reply all to an email from the state of Mississippi when they were scheduling games for old and state?”

“You wish that was the reason Edwin,” exclaimed Maggard’s scorned wife Betty. “If there’s one thing I know, it’s what vengeance looks like, and coincidentally it looks like exactly southern Mississippi in August. This here is revenge.”

“I grabbed a pamphlet from a rest stop, called ‘What to do in Hattiesburg,’ and the inside was blank,” said Mrs. Maggard.

A low volume of home ticket sales, fans calling for his job, a general low level of respect for the sport in comparison to basketball here on campus could all be contributing factors to Stoops wanting to take revenge on the Big Blue Nation.

“Look I get it, we should have more faith in you and what you’re doing here. It was rude of us to all talk about your 12 million dollar buyout clause for 2 months straight last year. I see now that things could be so much worse, you’ve made your point coach. Now please don’t make us have to come back here ever again.”

To keep up with The New Circle Circular, like the Facebook page or follow Harold Leeder’s Twitter Account.


Joe B Hall Says “If You Didn’t Wear Special Glasses Yesterday You Probably Have A Seeing Loss”

Joe B Hall Says “If You Didn’t Wear Special Glasses Yesterday You Probably Have A Seeing Loss”

Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.

Former UK Basketball Coach and radio personality Joe B. Hall was spotted yesterday walking around outside of the Warby Parker store in The Summit at Fritz Farm shouting at passersby, “If you stared at the sun without those fancy 3D glasses, you probably have a seeing loss.”

Hall, who was hanging out at Warby Parker while waiting for a new pair of glasses to be made because, “I was lookin’ at how weird my shadow was and I stepped on ’em,” was telling anyone that would listen that they needed to get their eyes checked. “Personally, I didn’t suffer a vision loss, but if you stared at the eclipse you probably have a seeing loss,” the crowd that had gathered cheered as he continued to repeat his famed catchphrase. However, the former coach wasn’t only concerned with the eclipse having an impact on people’s vision, “I’ve noticed that ever since the moon covered up the sun, I got a lot stronger physically, and I can even eat spicier foods than I could yesterday,” Hall concluded as he took a bite from a serrano pepper without being phased.

“I don’t want to say I have super strength or anything now but something definitely changed,” Hall explained, “I’d show you how I’m stronger but I’m kind of tired right now.” Hall then went inside to retrieve his new glasses and came out, lifted up a Mini Cooper that was blocking him in, and then got in his car and drove away.

To keep up with The New Circle Circular, like the Facebook page or follow Harold Leeder’s Twitter Account.


Marlana Vanhoose To Sing ‘Total Eclipse Of The Heart’ At Kroger Field During Solar Eclipse Monday

Marlana Vanhoose To Sing ‘Total Eclipse Of The Heart’ At Kroger Field During Solar Eclipse Monday

Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.

Kroger Field has announced an event this coming Monday that will allow fans a chance to experience the newly renamed football facility before the season kicks off. Tailgaters will be allowed in the parking lot early and will be able to purchase special parking passes and any regular season ticket holders will receive a free pair of eclipse glasses provided they make a sizable donation to the K fund.

Fans will be able to take their seats by 1pm when the pre-game show will begin when former UK quarterback Freddie Maggard will begin breaking down film of previous matchups between the sun and moon for all of the fans in attendance.

The eclipse is expected to peak at roughly 2:29 in Lexington, the real treat for fans will be Kentucky’s own Marlana Vanhoose singing a stirring rendition of Total Eclipse Of The Heart as the moon slowly passes in front of the sun.

To learn more about what to expect during this eclipse local eclipse enthusiast Rob Bromley weighed in. “I was there for the last one in 1935, that was probably the best one, the 1918 one was nothing to write home about,” began Bromley. “The Sun dominated all day, but this Sun and Moon matchup will be closer than the experts think. I like the Sun to win but the Moon to cover.” Bromley added that he plans to attend this year’s Eclipse viewing and will enjoy hearing Vanhoose sing saying, “I can’t wait for this year’s show. I got thrown out when they did this back in the 30’s over at Stoll Field because I kept spicing up that boring song with some F-bombs here and there.”

To keep up with The New Circle Circular, like the Facebook page or follow Harold Leeder’s Twitter Account.


Confident UK Fan Gets 2017 Camping World Independence Bowl Champions Tattoo

Confident UK Fan Gets 2017 Camping World Independence Bowl Champions Tattoo

Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.

“I don’t remember getting it, but I’m not surprised I did,” yelled Kentucky football superfan Theodore Logan, even though we were standing right next to him and could hear him just fine.

“It’s the year of years, a promised promise come to be. One more step towards greatness, and this step is through Northwest Louisiana,” added Logan while attempting showcase an invisible championship belt around his waist with his hands.

Bleed Blue tattoo shop owner Samuel O’Reilly explained that while Logan wasn’t the first customer that came through his shop wanting a tattoo declaring a premonition, it was the first time he’s had one for a fan of the football team. “While tattoos of confidence in UK have become a staple for our shop, confidence and tattoos haven’t exactly been synonymous with the football teams fan base over the years. In fact, football fans usually get something to do with how much they hate 3rd and long delay draws. If it’s something to do with next season, there’s usually a ‘maybe’ attached somewhere.”

Logan explained, “For a bunch of years we’ve been told to be patient, but after we beat Louisville, everything’s changed, we’re like super good now. So this year the sky’s the limit really, and no one knows the sky’s limit more than Camping World.”

While Camping World’s flags may soar high over Georgetown, UK’s football team is hopeful they can fly some sort of championship flag over Kroger Field this year but are currently aiming a little higher than Logan’s prediction.

“Look I’m not saying we can’t do better than a late December bowl in Louisiana’s third largest city, but I’m not trying to set my hopes too high. I mean this is gonna be on my body forever, and I don’t want the team to feel too much pressure because of it. If for some reason they fall short of the goal at hand, the last thing I would want is them pointing to this act as the main reason the season fell apart,” explained the longtime fan.

Logan, the eighth year senior added, “In the end, I just want one bowl win before I graduate.”

To keep up with The New Circle Circular, like the Facebook page or follow Harold Leeder’s Twitter Account.


Facebook Chatbots Develop Own Language Only Ryan Lemond Can Understand

Facebook Chatbots Develop Own Language Only Ryan Lemond Can Understand

Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.

News was made this week when computer scientists had to shut down artificial intelligence robots this week after the robots created and began to communicate in a language that only they could understand. At least, that’s what the computer scientists that brought you bejeweled blitz believed. As it turns out though, there was at least one person that was able to understand the newly created language of the robots, central Kentucky’s own Ryan Lemond.

“We had our best linguists trying to crack this code and we couldn’t figure it out, and that’s very concerning, considering that’s how so many futurist, dystopian movies begin, so we shut down the robot.” Faceook Computer Scientist Sarah Conner said. “But then, a few minutes after shutting down the bots we still saw messages coming in written in the robot language. It was some guy from Lexington, Kentucky.”

“I was just trying to talk to some new friends I’d made online, ya know?” Lemond said. “I saw these weird messages coming through and it was hard to understand at first but I figured it out and started responding and we really started to bond a bridge. I did have to start translating the language though, you know, to prove to my wife that everything was above board.”

“We’ve had the top researches from Stanford and MIT here to investigate and no one could make sense of the language or how it came to be,” Conner said. “So we could not wait to meet the computer savant and expert communicator out of Lexington.”

For Lemond, his understanding of computers goes back quite a ways, “I started learning about computer languages the first time I tried to figure out our Domino’s delivery tracker thing. I dunno, those computer languages have always made sense to me. It’s all ones and zeros, which is great because I’m not great at math. The computers they just do one, zero, zero, one, one you know? But when I talk to Matt he tries to bring in all these other numbers and says stuff like ‘no, it’s not ten, double o, one, that’s ten thousand and one. People make stuff way too confusing dude, computers, that’s where it’s at.”

To keep up with The New Circle Circular, like the Facebook page or follow Harold Leeder’s Twitter Account.


Girl Scouts Begin Setting Up Cookie Booth Outside Kroger Field

Girl Scouts Begin Setting Up Cookie Booth Outside Kroger Field

Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.

Now that the football stadium has officially been renamed and the ‘Kroger Field’ signage is in place, Girl Scouts have begun setting up their cookie booths near all of the stadium’s entrances as they prepare for a season of guilting fans into buying cookies every time they come to the game.

“I mean I like the cookies and everything but I don’t want to buy them every time I go to the stadium,” said long-time season ticket holder Kyle Trefoil. “I just want to walk into the stadium, I don’t want to have to fend off these poor girls that have been pressured by their parents to approach strange people asking for money while I’ve been drinking in the hot sun all day.”

Other fans felt the cookie booths were a bad idea for different reasons. “This is entrapment!” student ticket holder Caramella D. Lites said. “If I’ve been out tailgating since the sun came up, I’m obviously gonna hand over all of my cash for those cookies. Then I’m going to have to pick up extra shifts at the cafeteria.”

In addition to Girl Scouts outside the stadium, later in the season fans can look forward to pretending not to have any change when Salvation Army bell ringers setup by the entrance. Other changes fans can expect include more crowded concourses on game days as old ladies will be standing in front of concession stands with free sample cups full of olives and employees pulling giant Click List carts clogging up the walkways for fans that want to enjoy the game but don’t feel like coming inside.

Not all of the changes are expected to be negative though. Many are praising the discontinuation of senior discounts, saying it couldn’t come at a better time as most of the offensive line will be playing in the final season this year.

To keep up with The New Circle Circular, like the Facebook page or follow Harold Leeder’s Twitter Account.


Ryan Visits London, Paris and Florence KY So He Can Talk About Europe When Everyone Gets Back

Ryan Visits London, Paris and Florence KY So He Can Talk About Europe When Everyone Gets Back

Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.

Feeling a little bit left out after seeing co-hosts Matt Jones and Drew Franklin jet off to Europe for the summer, Kentucky Sports Radio’s Ryan Lemond has decided to backpack across the state to as many European named cities as he can find so that he will be able to keep up with the conversation when everyone gets back next month. Lemond was trekking across the state at press time so we were not able to speak with him directly but we were able to obtain a few pages from his travel journal.

Lemond began his journey in Florence. He began with an authentic Italian meal in the heart of Kentucky’s Tuscany region, seated alone but surrounded by family at The Olive Garden. Then went to take in some of the beautiful art and architecture that Florence is known for. “Matt I’m not sure if you’ve ever been to Florence, but what a beautiful home for art and design,” the journal read. “My favorite site might be the Duomo, it’s a beautiful gothic cathedral with an unmistakable tiled dome which highlights the top of the city’s skyline, and on the outside it says Florence Y’all.”

The next stop on the trip was London. “London, nestled closer to Manchester than one would think, is home of some fine teas, though mostly sweet.” Lemond continued, “the people talk kind of funny here. I had some fried catfish and some chips for lunch, so that was good. It’s crazy how London, once great, is now merely the shadow of the empire that the sun once never sat upon, especially now that most people prefer Nashville’s hot chicken to KFC’s.”

Then it seems Lemond stopped briefly in Richmond, writing, “I wasn’t sure if Richmond is in Europe or not, it sounds like it might be but I don’t know where. Stopping off just in case.” He also appears to have stopped in Frankfort to get a hot dog and a bratwurst but it’s not clear if that experience was on purpose or by coincidence.

The final stop was in Paris. The journal reads, “Paris is the City of Love (please don’t tell Amanda I came here without her permission). I stopped by a Kroger to speak with a female bagger, they were right, the baguettes are worth the trip (also, please don’t tell Amanda about this). The weird thing was, you always hear about bicycles in Paris but I was in Paris for a while, and didn’t see one bike, there were a lot of people driving there though, just for the deals it seemed, because the only thing I found there was a car dealership.”

To keep up with The New Circle Circular, like the Facebook page or follow Harold Leeder’s Twitter Account.


Richard Pitino Releases Email Exchange With Russian Recruiting Service

Richard Pitino Releases Email Exchange With Russian Recruiting Service

Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.

Under heat from multiple media outlets Richard Pitino tweeted out an email exchange confirming he had contact with Russian recruiting services while an assistant coach at the University of Louisville. The emails show an interaction that showed Richard Pitino was attempting to bring in players to benefit his father’s NCAA title campaign.

The emails detail a meeting between the younger Pitino and a Russian recruiting service that promised “detailed scouting information on foreign players that will help us in your cause to defeat the University of Kentucky.”

The NCAA intelligence committee said it doesn’t care about this information and wishes Richard would stop sending them unsolicited emails

To keep up with The New Circle Circular, like the Facebook page or follow Harold Leeder’s Twitter Account.


Ryan Lemond Wins His Own Personal Hot Dog Eating Contest At Speedway Gas Station

Ryan Lemond Wins His Own Personal Hot Dog Eating Contest At Speedway Gas Station

Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.

Ryan Lemond celebrated America’s independence today the only way he knows how, by winning his 3rd personal hot dog eating contest and beating his own previous record by eating 4 hotdogs and half of a pretty old breakfast tornado at the Speedway on Euclid Avenue.

While Lemond is a champ at home here in Lexington, his numbers don’t quite compare to the competitors in Coney Island, “Sure Joey Chesnut may eat 72 hotdogs, but is he eating them while his wife fills the car up with gas, and thinks her husband is just inside using the bathroom?”

Lemond was able to eat the hotdogs and throw away his trash before exiting the popular off campus gas station, “I mean she’ll never know, unless she checks the debit card statement. Who am I kidding, these are speedway dogs, her and everyone in my house is going to know what happened in about an hour.”

Second shift manager Terry Watson explained that Lemond’s victory comes with an asterisk, “I mean I’ve seen 3 other people eat at least 7 hotdogs at the roller today, although technically we’ll say Ryan won, since those guys should be disqualified because they try and just pay for 2 of them. So at least Ryan’s honest with me, but I wish he hadn’t made a championship belt out of my mustard packets.”

To keep up with The New Circle Circular, like the Facebook page or follow Harold Leeder’s Twitter Account.