Kentucky Sports Radio

University of Kentucky Basketball, Football, and Recruiting news brought to you in the most ridiculous manner possible.





The New Circle Circular

Bud Light Tournament Ad Stars Medieval Basketball Coach Dilly Dilly Gillispie

Bud Light Tournament Ad Stars Medieval Basketball Coach Dilly Dilly Gillispie

Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.

Beer-based catchphrases have been the cornerstone of American television advertising since 1992 when the ad campaign “Beer. It’s What’s For Dinner” was first launched. Ads for the delicious beverage have created hilarious quotes, and hilarious dogs, that represent everything cool about our culture. American beer ads have always shown the world, that the United States Of America has been and will always be the Spuds McKenzie of countries. Last August, the tradition of awesome beer ads found a new life with Bud Light’s now meme famous advertisement, “Banquet,” where Bud Light introduced the world to a brand new way to say ‘cool’ and also infringe on Dairy Queen’s intellectual property by saying ‘dilly dilly.’

Braxton Anheuser IV, VP of Bud Light Nebraska Plains Division and a seventy-decade decedent of Anheuser-Busch marketing royalty, has given us a sneak peek at the newest installment of the company’s 7 part medieval fantasy series of ads, and it introduces a new character they hope will sweep the nation. The character is Dilly Dilly Gillispie, an ‘old-school type’ basketball coach who uses medieval methods to motivate his players.

“He’ll make players sit in an outhouse during halftime, or even attempt to court the player’s girlfriends during practice,” Anheuser said, “it’s hilarious because no one would really do that.”

The series culminates with Dilly Dilly Gillispie being chased through the secret passages and corridors of the kingdom’s castle by a valiant knight with a hero’s mustache until he eventually ends up in a moat.

To keep up with The New Circle Circular, like the Facebook page or follow Harold Leeder’s Twitter Account.


UofL Scientists May Have Found Cure For March Madness

UofL Scientists May Have Found Cure For March Madness

Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.

According to several people that read something on the internet somewhere, more than 60 million losing NCAA brackets are filled out each year. Of those losing brackets, it’s estimated that 40 million of them were affected by what sports medicine physicians deem ‘March Madness.’ Every year March Madness takes over valuable office time that employees should be spending on work. Symptoms include checking your bracket when your boss leaves the room and bonding with that older coworker you usually disagree with. Until a cure is found, or at least a better form of treatment, March Madness will continue to be the scourge of productive people everywhere.

While every year March Madness seems to take over valuable office time that many employees should be spending on work, it can also take up all the time employees spend checking Facebook when their boss leaves the room. Until a cure is found, or at least a better form of treatment, March Madness will continue to claim time theft victims.

However, one University’s research may have the answer in a trial vaccine that could eliminate March Madness from its campus and the surrounding area for at least the next four years. This past year the University of Louisville has found a way, against all odds, to remove itself completely from suffering any kind of symptoms of March Madness. While the vaccine was free for the fan base, it’s hard to say it didn’t come at a cost. Some point to some small dollar donations given to friend of the University Katina Powell, while others point to a lump sum of around $100,000 being the main cause for the diseases eradication.

Initial doses of the vaccine were perhaps too potent as they attempted to retroactively erase symptoms for test subjects all the way back to 2013. While a connection between this vaccine and autism has not been proven, there seems to be a correlation between this and drinking Canadian whiskey from a purple bag.

To keep up with The New Circle Circular, like the Facebook page or follow Harold Leeder’s Twitter Account.


Help Ricky Jones Win The Chance To Blow Up A Building In Frankfort

Help Ricky Jones Win The Chance To Blow Up A Building In Frankfort

Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.

Matt Bevin announced in a video where he, for some reason compared himself to Wiley E. Coyote, that he would be auctioning off the rights to push the handle that blows up a building in downtown Frankfort. While this is a surprising move from a PR perspective, a politician openly making themselves look like a supervillain, but fans of Hey Kentucky are coming together to make a dream come true occasional co-host, Ricky Jones.

A go fund me account set up by a fan states it’s explicit objective is to raise enough funds to allow the famed Frankfort fleerer Ricky Jones to have the privilege of depressing a plunger (not the toilet kind) and fulfill a lifelong desire to destroy a part of the state’s capital, leveling it to the ground.

If all goes according to plan Ricky Jones will have the chance to paint his face a la Batman’s Joker and Governor Bevin will stand by his side, dressed as The Penguin. Jones will then have the opportunity to say “and here we go” pressing the handle down and creating what must be a sound and sight he’s seen every evening when he closes his eyes for nightly slumber, a Frankfort building imploding, toppled by his own hand. Please consider donating to help make this dream come true.

To keep up with The New Circle Circular, like the Facebook page or follow Harold Leeder’s Twitter Account.


Alternate Covers For Kim Davis’ Book

Alternate Covers For Kim Davis’ Book

Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.

Former Rowan County Clerk Kim Davis is releasing a tell-all memoir, while the cover has not yet been released here are a few suggestions we’ve come up with for her to choose from. The book is expected to be available at Dollar Tree’s everywhere.

 


Sore Losers, Cold Sore Losers

Sore Losers, Cold Sore Losers

Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.

In the unenviable position of defending indefensible acts, the University of Louisville continues its Sisyphean struggle to act like what they allowed to happen was no big deal, and after today’s press conference announcing their appeal was denied it appears the University’s plan of overwhelming the NCAA with scandals didn’t work according to plan.

“Ya’ll ever seen an appeal? They’re super long and boring, and that’s just for one violation. Imagine how much paperwork is required when you’ve broken every rule in the book. Heck we even broke some rules that haven’t even been written yet. The logic is, if you write a long enough story, no one will read the whole thing,” explained the University’s “Compliance Officer” Jeff Smeocan-Gunne. “Why else would we appeal something we admitted to doing?”

Unfortunately for UofL, the NCAA managed to finish reading the documents, and announced their decision this afternoon, “While we found the appeal of our previous decision hilarious, we couldn’t find any merit to it. One page just said ‘Look dude rules were meant to be broken.’”

The NCAA’s spokesperson explained they were kind of getting annoyed with the whole process, but weren’t shaken, “Look the banner is coming down, they should be used to things falling from the ceiling. No but seriously, Louisville your program has a lot of problems and it’s time to take your medicine. Which I’m pretty sure might be Valtrex. I mean you know things are bad when we are living in the participation trophy generation and you can’t even get one of those right now because we’re not letting you even pretend like you participated.”

In response to the decision the University’s future former interim president Greg Postel decided to speak out against the decision, “We believe the NCAA is simply wrong, and these punishments are excessive and downright Ivan Dragonian.”

We reached out to the NCAA for further comment via email, “We have to applaud their efforts, but at some point you have to recognize the difference between getting a standing ovation and getting the clap.”

To keep up with The New Circle Circular, like the Facebook page or follow Harold Leeder’s Twitter Account.


Kentucky Basketball Valentines You Can Print Out For Your Date

Kentucky Basketball Valentines You Can Print Out For Your Date

Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.

Last year we provided some UK valentines and this year we’re back with an updated set.

To keep up with The New Circle Circular, like the Facebook page or follow Harold Leeder’s Twitter Account.


Doritos To Launch ‘Tennessee-Fan-Friendly’ Chips

Doritos To Launch ‘Tennessee-Fan-Friendly’ Chips

Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.

Lay’s Chips, Cheetos, and Doritos, otherwise known in Tennessee as “the four food groups”, could start popping up in grocery stores with a very specific target audience: Tennessee Volunteer fans only.

Doritos parent company, and maker of the soda that waiters ask if it is an acceptable substitute for what you ordered, PepsiCo, has decided to start marketing unique products based on certain demographics. While the announcement of “Lady Doritos” yesterday was met with mixed reviews, the announcement of UT-Ritos was received with open arms by the Volunteer faithful.

“These unique Doritos will mainly feature the snack’s classic recipe, however, they will be dusted with a richer orange coloring and make an obnoxiously loud crunch for people who think their athletics department is far more important than it really is,” explained Tennessee Doritos PR director Yahoo Les Serious. “The chips will only be available in Knoxville during the basketball season despite the fact that the unique market of UT fans is, during this time of year, pretty small. We’re counting on the fact that during football season the chips will be available in a much larger area, annoyingly enough for some reaching parts of southern Kentucky.”

He continued, “The bags are sized to fit into the pouches of brightly covered overalls and can be eaten while consumers also ‘got a dip goin’. There are so few snacks available for fans to enjoy whilst having ‘a hog in dere’.”

Doritos scientists have labored long hours to create a chip dust that can match the “University’s” colors so that when fans inevitably rub that delicious Doritos dust on their Sunday best the stains will go unnoticed.

The news of the chip is the most exciting thing to happen to Knoxville since the announcement of the Museum of East Tennessee History. “Hopefully this will get more visitors to our city,” shouted Knoxville tourism director Phil Fulmer IV and author of Knoxville’s current tourism slogan, “You can stay here if Gatlinburg is full.”

To keep up with The New Circle Circular, like the Facebook page or follow Harold Leeder’s Twitter Account.


Rick Pitino Replaced With Coach Cal In Remastered 1996 NCAA Game

Rick Pitino Replaced With Coach Cal In Remastered 1996 NCAA Game

Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.

Announced today, the New Circle Circular Home Video Entertainment Division is proud to release, the “1996 NCAA Championship Game” a 3 hour reimagined television event, bringing you one of the most beloved nights of basketball back to the glory it deserves, now for the first time without Rick Pitino.

What better gift to give the big blue nation then the chance to relive the glory days, without all those cringeworthy moments spotting Rick Pitino yelling from the sidelines. Why not have somone far more beloved, yelling at our group of Untouchables? So who’s a better fit as a replacement for Coach Pitino than the coach of the team that this group beat two nights before the championship game, John Calipari. Yes Coach Cal through the magic of CGI returns to the sidelines as the Head Coach of the 1996 Kentucky Wildcats, in this beautiful video remastering.

“Don’t look for this remastered version on DVD,” said project director Joe B. Hall, “because it’s 2018.” The video will be available for download from Hall’s website, as soon as he remembers his login.

“In this version Mark Pope is seen playing a few possessions on offense with the help of a service animal,” explained Hall as he showed us a segment of a VHS copy of ‘96 game with what we were positive was a spliced in clip from the movie Air Bud. Hall does claim his version is completely digitally remastered and fully restored from the high resolution 35MM original film and digital copies of the game will include bonus features like, Coach’s commentary with Coach Cal, rules to the drinking game ‘spot Cameron Mills’, and a feature commentary of Tony Delk making a whoosh sound every time he scores.

To keep up with The New Circle Circular, like the Facebook page or follow Harold Leeder’s Twitter Account.


Coach Cal Upset Over Academy Neglecting Oscar Nomination for Valerian Movie

Coach Cal Upset Over Academy Neglecting Oscar Nomination for Valerian Movie

Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.

At a pregame press conference for the Mississippi State Game Coach John Calipari used the press time to make a statement about his feelings regarding last nights Oscar nominations. Specifically, the snubbing of Valerian: The City of a Thousand Planets for the Visual Effects category.

“I can’t be that surprised that a French Space Opera with anti-imperialist undertones wasn’t a huge hit with American audiences. But you can’t deny the richness of the Sci-Fi environments,” Calipari said.

The movie, based on a French comic book series, was released this past summer and was directed by Luc Besson (Fifth Element, La Femme Nikita.) It failed to make much of a return at the box office and had a mixed reaction from critics.
“It did better did than we did against Florida.” said Calipari shaking his head.

“You can’t judge a movie just on domestic returns. “ Calipari insisted. “You gotta look at Asian and European markets as well. And on a less than Hollywood budget Luc Besson’s effects were worth a BILLION dollars. The man is the French Spielberg.”

He continued. “If you’re giving the latest Star Wars a nod how do you not also show some respect for the series that inspired George Lucas in the first place.” He held up a plastic sealed copy of the original Valerian comic book. After he was through he passed it to assistant coach John Robic who was seated next to him wearing an “Avatar” t-shirt and white gloves to handle the vintage comic.

“Just like my critics want us to play more juniors and seniors the academy only wants to work with sequels and remakes.”

Calipari got out his Blue Ray Copy of Valerian and lowered a projector screen. “Now i want everyone to pay attention to the nuance that Besson gave to each section of this sequence as he guides us through his galactic metropolis.” Calipari skipped ahead in the film to the introduction of The Alpha Station, the eponymous City of a Thousand Planets. “3,236 species over and over 5,000 languages spoken” speaks a spaceship’s computer as the floating city comes into frame. Calipari’s lips were moving in unison with the dialogue of the film.

To keep up with The New Circle Circular, like the Facebook page or follow Harold Leeder’s Twitter Account.


UK’s Cheerleaders Won Another Championship But I Still Can’t Win Over My Dad

UK’s Cheerleaders Won Another Championship But I Still Can’t Win Over My Dad

Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.

Like modern U.S. currency, the University of Kentucky cheerleading squad has excelled far past the gold standard after securing their 23rd National Championship this weekend. As the team lifted the trophy above their heads in victory on Sunday evening, my father barely lifted his fork after smelling the lasagna I had brought over for family dinner night.

“It says family lasagna right on the box, Dad!” I yelled into my steering wheel as I headed back to my apartment. Yes, the same apartment that just over four months ago I needed to borrow a large sum of money from my hard working father in order to pay the security deposit for.

The story of the Wildcats success is a tale as old as time. Every year UK’s cheerleading team defies the laws of physics as they fly through the air with an athletic grace that was spoken of once before by the likes of Hesiod and Homer. These modern day Greek gods have an unparalleled mark of perfection that year after year reminds us in turn how much I’ve disappointed my dad.

This is the very same dad who didn’t say a word when he co-signed for my apartment, which in this moment feels even more empty than it did before. The fact that these kids, not more than 22 years of age, have achieved so much and are set to achieve so much more seems to only, by comparison, prove my father right.

When I asked the cheerleading team about what this level of success takes, they explained, “We train every day, wake up every morning at 4 a.m., regiment our nutrition with meals whose only purpose is to fuel the incredible amount of energy it takes to bounce around this gym-sized mat.” To be fair, that does seems a lot harder than just taking a little bit more of an interest in old cars, now that I think about it.

Look, I’m not writing this piece about UK’s national championship win to blame my dad for anything.  I’m writing it because I can’t get behind on rent, and the last thing my relationship with my father needs is a red mark on his credit score.

The worst part is I know how much my father loves collegiate cheerleading but I also know he will refuse to read this article on principle when he sees my byline. Either way, let’s all take this moment to celebrate this remarkable achievement and let it inspire us to get a little better every day and maybe cheer ourselves on every now and then.

To keep up with The New Circle Circular, like the Facebook page or follow Harold Leeder’s Twitter Account.